The transcript captures a 2009 student‑run theatrical performance titled “Love in Masala Town,” presented by the South Asian Cultural Club (SACC) at Colgate University. The piece opens as a mock news broadcast (Access Bollywood) announcing a fictional Hollywood‑Bollywood crossover film starring exaggerated versions of real‑world celebrities. It quickly devolves into a chaotic, improvised rehearsal where actors, a director, and crew members argue over set‑up, lighting, and performance choices. The script satirizes Bollywood conventions—matchmaking scenes, traditional versus modern values, elaborate dance numbers, and stereotypical Indian cuisine—while also lampooning Hollywood’s eccentricities and the behind‑the‑scenes drama of film production. Interspersed are meta‑commercial breaks ("Curry in a Hurry"), repeated catch‑phrases, and broken fourth‑wall moments where characters request subtitles or comment on the absurdity of the scene. The performance blends parody, cultural commentary, and slapstick humor to both celebrate and critique Bollywood tropes within a college theater context.
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Good evening and welcome to Access Bollywood, your source of current news and exclusive information on the hottest celebrities. Tonight's top story: Hollywood is buzzing with anticipation over Michael Malik's latest project, Love in Masala Town, a film adaptation of a classic Bollywood love story. While Michael Malik is known to be an eccentric personality, perhaps best immortalized in last year's incident at his premiere of Alice in Oak Drive, he promises to bring new life to an old classic. Key roles are being played by lead Hollywood actors, and I think we're all curious to see how this will play out on the big screen. The lead female role, a young woman torn between her desire to marry true love and the harsh reality of her family's orders to marry another, will be played by Audrey Brown. She is best known for her performance in Brunch at Parkside. This will be her first major project after a brief stint in rehab only 2 months ago. The film community hopes that this role will give her an opportunity to shed her reputation as a diva with questionable talents and really get to the heart of this complex role. Opposite Brown, the leading man is her hardsick love, played by the critically acclaimed Hrithik Roshan. His work in Wild Wild Rajasthan earned him an Oscar and 7 nods from the Film Institute. Typically cast in serious and masculine roles, this project will be sure to please these female fans who will be able to see his romantic side. We have placed one of our very own staff members in the lion's den to provide you, our faithful viewers, with the most up-to-date reports on what our starlets do next. But hold on to your seats now, it's time for a commercial break. Hello! Are you in a hurry? Yes! Do you want curry?
Yes!
Well then, SPCC brings you Curry in a Hurry! Don't miss it, and don't miss their upcoming production, Love in Masala Town!
Woo! Whoa, whoa, whoa, who's this on stage? Hey, Uday! Uday! Who is that? Uh, that's the guy from Juicy Campus. Did I not ask you to keep a look at the gates not to let random photographers into our show here? Well, it kind of had to be. It's cheap publicity. We don't have money for it. Okay, cheers. All right, let's get this. Let's Let's get this first set ready. Guys, can we get the lights? Where's the wire guy? Set it up quick. We don't have time. Okay. Uday, can we start? Uh, no. No. Well, what happened? Our hero is still smoking a cigarette. Mr. Hero, would you please mind get off your cigarette and join us on the set? Are you talking to me? I think so, I am talking to you. Wait, what kind of cameraman did you get? He doesn't even know how to talk. How to talk to a star? What is this? Wait, cameraman? I look like a cameraman to you? I'm the one who scripted you onto the stage. What are you talking about? Oh, really? You're the director? Oh, sorry. I see so many directors these days, it's hard to keep track of all of them. Yeah, yeah, right, Mr. Superstar. Sure, but now that you know I'm the director, at least can we get started? No! Didn't you hear your assistant? I'm still not done with my cigarette.
Utsadas!
We're already 2 hours late, the crowd's waiting, we need to start. That's disrespectful! Just because you're some big shot Hollywood director does not mean I'm gonna like do what you say. I rule the screens around here and I direct myself. Oops, I don't put up with any star tantrums. Subah, tell him that. No, no, no, you listen to me. Okay. It's either my way or it's the highway. I'm gonna tell the Indian press that he sacrificed a cow on stage. What? And I'll have it thrown in prison. What the hell? Who the hell does he think he is? Look, look, it's the best way for the money, alright? Let me deal with this. Oh my God.
Excuse me, what's going on here? I'm not here on my Antonio. This is not MTV.
Okay, please don't start now.
No, he's like this every single time. I cannot work with him.
Please, can we get another actor? Yes. All right, all right, let's take this one, okay? We're gonna fix it. Let's talk about this. Let's take this in. Wait, wait, wait. All right, all right. Hello! Ah ah! Sinan! Take one! Mona, you're the light of my life.
You are the spice of my curry. You are the raj of my heart.
Guys, guys, guys, wait! The script doesn't say you're running in the Kentucky Derby, right?
Tell her that.
Hey! Tell her! She's jumping on you. What is this?
That was acting.
No. Guys, guys. This is not— what did I say? The Kentucky Derby you're running for. I need the— I'm talking to you. I need the Indian style, the Bollywood style running. You know, like, think, um— Baywatch. But don't do Baywatch, okay? Do you kind of get it?
Um, no.
Why am I surprised? What do we do? Let's show them a video. Do we have a video? We've got videos for everything. Okay, let's roll it. Alright, Chinku, play the tape. Scene 1, very bad. Director stop, not happy. He sad, but he decide to move on. Next scene, he don't have money, no money. Now, scene 2, take 1. All right guys, let's get the crew set. Scene 2 here, come on, come on, can we set this up? Quick! The first one was bad enough, I don't want any more of that. Come on! Let's go. Okay. Set this up. So scene 2 is the matchmaking scene. It's the heart of the movie itself. The potential groom's family comes and checks out the bride and her family. You know, they hope that they each like each other and that it's a match made in heaven. Oftentimes that's not the case. Our crew has something in store for us. Can we start, Uday? Do we have everyone? I guess we could. Okay, let's take it from the top, guys.
So, what do you think of this sari? It's new. Honey, that color looks so good on you. Where did you get it? Thank you. I picked it up at a marketplace last week.
Really? Yeah.
What street was that on?
I don't know.
Did you hear that? They're here! The groom and his family are here! Oh my gosh, this is so exciting! Did you see the shoes that she was wearing? Did you see the car they were driving? The rims on that thing? I think it costs more than this house. Probably, considering he owns like 6 dairy farms. We have to tell them that they're here. Mona, the groom and his family are here.
By the way they're dressed, I think I think they're looking for a traditional girl.
Definitely traditional.
I'll give you traditional. Hi!
What are your manners? Welcome, welcome, please come in, have a seat, help yourself to some samosas.
Oh my goodness, these samosas are delicious. Did you make them, Munabedi? Yes, she did.
She's a very good cook. Oh yes, the last time she made some samosas, no one could even eat one. She meant the aroma of the samosas was so filling that no one could eat more than one. Yeah, yeah, that's right. We were so full of the aroma that we didn't even dare care. We didn't even care to try the samosas that she raked. Baked, baked, the samosas that she baked. Oh, our aunts are ever so full of praise for their niece, aren't they?
Hello! What? I waiting outside for the past half an hour. I bring you 20 bucks worth of samosa. I bring you 20 bucks worth of naan. You engage, I approve. I want my money. Come tomorrow. I want my money. I no come tomorrow. I don't take credit. Accept gift card. And no come here again. Don't worry, don't worry. We were busy setting up now, that is why this problem. Otherwise my daughter is very good cook. My wife Lily here, you think she's a good cook? No, she make ramen pasta all day, all night. Ramen pasta. Don't be fooled by this. No, this because of my daughter. She make chicken, mutton, lamb, everything.
Huh?
Huh?
You get this.
Like me. Like me. You get it.
Enough of her cooking skills. Have you told them how well she dances?
Oh, how did I forget? She's a good cook. She's a very good dancer. All these awards, rewards, and shawarmas belong to her. Look at all these pictures. It's pictures of her dancing.
Oh, is it? What type of dances are you good at? Um, what type of dances are you good at? Uh, couple.
These modern girls, they do dance moves, but they don't remember these names, huh? I will tell you. Classical dance. This is Kuchipudi from South India. This is Kathakali from very South India. This is Bharatanatyam from all over India. Very good at this.
I think he means rock and roll.
Oh yeah!
The ants are just mocking. They want her to be one of those modern girls, you know, those half-dressed girls.
Not that I would mind. What? What are you saying? Go back!
My daughter is traditional. She doesn't do such things. Classical dance, 12-foot sarees, cooking. She's a very traditional girl. Oh, classical dance? My daughter is 14 and she wants to do hip-hop. I've always wanted to see someone do classical dance. Can you do some for me, Mona dear?
Do you have any experience with classical music? I mean dance?
No. No experience?
Do it!
Are you sure you want me to do this, Dad?
No experience. Do it, do it, do it!
Here we go again. Can't wait to see how she embarrasses us all. I want to kiss you, but if I do, then I might miss you, babe. It's complicated and stupid. Got my ass squeezed by sexy cute.
God, stop! Whoa, whoa, God! I mean, God, what is this going on stage? I'm dancing.
Yeah, I like that.
Uday, let's be professional for once here, okay? I wanted a homely matchmaking scene. You're showing me— what is this, like some Vegas dancing? You're dancing like one of those girls. What do you call them, Uday? Those girls in Vegas. The besharam girls. Do you know what I'm saying?
Uh, what's besharam?
Shameless. I want the Indian dance. It's like, you know, there's more passion, there's more emotion in it.
More passion than that?
Yes! You stop! Those are fake money! No, no, no, I don't want any! Okay, can we roll a tape? Please show them what exactly Indian dances are like. Uh, yeah, yeah, Chinku, play the tape. Enough clapping here. Enough clapping. I mean, it was okay, I guess. I don't know what to think of it. I liked it. What do you think? Très magnifique. It's not French cancan, but it works. It works.
See, the French guy likes me.
I like you too. I mean, yeah, I guess that's a wrap. We move on to the next scene. Let's go, guys. Snake dancing. You all like? Scene 2, average. Frenchman said, Eiffel Tower. Scene 3, my favorite, Forbidden Love. Forbidden. Scene 3, take 1. My daughter married you, my dairy farm. My daughter married you, my dairy farm. My daughter married you, my dairy farm.
I think we have a problem.
What?
Our daughter is in love with someone else. She won't marry the suitor.
What?
What?
All because of you. Everything is because of you. How could she do that?
She was in love. I only wish that we had fallen in love. We wouldn't have to suffer as old maids. Maybe we should have shortened our sorrows. Hey, we told our sister not to marry this clown.
What? What did you call me? What?
Clown. She called you a clown. You ruined our our sister's life, now you're after our niece.
What? You old hag! You eat my naan for 20 years, you eat my food for 20 years, and now you call me clown? Get me down! Get me down!
Mona! Mona, come here! Your father's on fire!
Somebody call 911! Daddy fire burning on the dance floor! Whoa! What is this trick? What? What?
I can't marry him.
I'm in love with someone else. What?
I'm in love with someone else.
Love?
Yes.
She loving someone else. She is loving someone else. Love? Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! Love is a big bullshit! It's a big trap! You get it? Love? No, no.
I'm sorry, can we get some subtitles here? I have no idea what he's saying.
Fuck.
Okay, thanks.
You will marry the suitor. I got for you. You will, you will, you will, you will marry that suitor because he has so many dairy farms and I cannot lose it. I want my milk. Aww.
