A Servant's Heart: The Essence of True Helpfulness

Foreign looking down from a pedestal. It's about empathy, respect and standing shoulder to shoulder with those you're serving. Liz, have you ever heard these words? Because this is, this is another good. Kind of like, this ain't what it is. I'll help, but only if listeners. Have you ever heard that like, this is conditional service. True servant leadership doesn't come with terms and conditions. It's open hearted, inclusive and unconditional. And maybe a brother cousin, you know, like the mafiosa narcos, like I don't know that. Like the bad, the black sheep of the family of conditional service is manipulation and it's under the disguise of service. And in my book that's a frickin big no no. Because it's like the evil of evils. It's the opposite of what serving is all about. Authentic service is about lifting others up, not using them. And I'm talking to you if you're in business realm and you've ever done this. Authentic service is about lifting others up, not using them as stepping stones.

Welcome back to beyond your Default. I'm your host Liz Morehead and as always, I'm joined by George V. Thomas. George, how the heck are you this morning?

Liz, I am doing great. I'm super excited to strike up this conversation in all honesty, maybe give it a different light than what it might be getting shined into. It's funny because before we hit the record button you started to lean into something about like doing the research and like man, I just couldn't really. And Liz, I want to start off with if you've clicked into this, you've seen the title A Servant's Heart, it led you in here. Typically there's a very religious connotation when you search it. It is all religious articles, sermons, and there's almost zero business conversation. There's almost zero. Just life being a servant in life versus it being this like ultra religious. So listen, I'm excited because what I want to do is maybe bridge the gap of servanthood just as you as a human and how this impacts your journey and servanthood from a business or leadership or family sense instead of this like massive religious conversation that's happening on the Internet.

I'm really glad you brought that up, George, because part of the preparation I do for every single episode is I go out into the world and I not only prep the questions for the conversation that we're going to be having today. Little insider baseball for the listeners, I also go out and look for a lot of third party research because one of the things that George and I made a commitment to each other and then also to our listeners is that we show up each and every time we record on the mike, very passionate about a particular topic, very excited to share our own perspectives. But we are also showing up as students on this journey as well, right alongside you. There are times I will go out and I'll say, you probably won't agree with this, but we need to read this contradicting perspective on what we're talking about or here's the science behind what we're actually talking about. And you're absolutely right. When I first went into this topic, you know, looking into anything that servants heart, servants mentality, I mean, I was raised Catholic. This is not new to me.

Right.

What was fascinating though is that we are talking today about a servant's heart. What does true helpfulness look like?

Yeah.

And even just looking into research about helpfulness, there isn't a ton. There's like a few stuff where it's like if you help someone, you will feel better. It's like, thank you. Yeah, that is helpful. Kind of.

Yeah.

But one of the reasons why I wanted to have this conversation with you in particular is that being a happy, helpful, humble human.

Yeah.

That is coded into your DNA. Now, some of our listeners are. What I just said is not brand new information. You know, George, through his more than a decade of just killing it in the inbound and HubSpot space. But that is something that has been coded into your DNA as long as I have known you, but it has not always been the case. No more than that. From my perspective. What I'm excited to dig into today because when I told you, I said I'm very excited to talk about helpfulness, but we need to talk about the seedy underbelly of it is that when does helpfulness go too far? When does it become? When does it become? I will tell you from experience, yes, it is. But this is where it's funny. That's when it's. You know what, we'll get to that later.

Yeah.

So let's dig in. Let's dig into this conversation.

Yeah.

When you say servant's heart, what does that actually mean? If we're removing the religion out of it? If we're just talking pure semantics, what are we talking?

We might not be able to remove all, but I'm going to try to at least. And we're going to talk about it, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to talk about it. But first of all, Liz, let's start With a dope quote to set the tone. Okay. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment or the smallest act of caring. All of which have the potential to turn a life around. And this is Leo Bascalia. You should search him on the Internet. It's old school, but there's this show that was the 11th hour and he does a talk on it. Anyway. When I think about a servant's heart, it takes me back to those moments in life where you see the purest form of giving, Liz. It's those times when you can just tell that people, AKA us humans, are doing what we're doing because we generally care about other humans or the thing that is important to us in that moment or at that moment. Another way that I think about this, that the humans, us generally believe is we're trying to put good into the universe. I know you've heard me say that at nauseam. I'm trying to add value to the world, put good in the universe. And it's like this beautiful mindset where your whole being is focused on lifting others up. This is why I say I was looking for a hand up or I'm willing to give a hand up, putting their needs, our needs and the well being of the other human. This is going to sound foreign to some people that are listening. This and the well being of others right at the top of your list. And sometimes, Liz, dare I say sometimes we even put them above our own needs. Now I've seen this in so many walks of life. In business, you see employees that are uber helpful. Schools, you'll see good teachers that are just like killing it. I have to talk about good teachers because I've used this podcast to talk about a bad teacher. Before hospitals, I was recently in the hospital. Nothing big, it was just a normal thing that you do when you get old. I'll let you use your imagination. But the nurses and the doctors were amazing. And you see it's not just about doing a job. It's about leading with love, with that genuine desire to make a difference in someone's day, a difference in their life. And Liz, you've heard me like there's these micro codes that I have in my life that as I started to do my own research and lay this out, you've heard me say leave them better than I found them. This is literally what I'm talking about. And honestly, I think that this has been part of my hidden kind of not hidden points for success over the past 20 years of my career is this idea of helpfulness and servanthood. It boils down to large amounts of empathy and compassion. The. The heartbeat of this whole concept. And again, words that I've used over and over and over again, being compassionate, having empathy. It's about feeling with people, really getting into their shoes. I've told the story about walking a mile in someone's moccasin and, and understanding what they're going through. This is where the magic of true service begins. It's not just about the actions you take. It's about the heart behind those actions that you're taking. But that's not the only thing that I think impacts a servant's heart, Liz. Along the way, I feel like you need to grow a substantial dose of humility. And you even said my saying happy, helpful, humble human humility is a game changer. It's like you're taking out your ego out of the equation and saying, this isn't about me, it's about how I can help you. It's a quiet strength that amplifies the voices and needs of the others around us. And that's why I have said it in my videos through the years, Liz, about. And I even wear a hat. Dang on it. The hat I'm wearing this morning, the hat I wear almost every day, says the words happy, helpful, humble human. Right? And it is coded into my life. But I think that there's two factors that are attached to this happy, helpful, humble human, this servant's heart, and that's listening and integrity. Listening, and I mean really listening, is where you find the gold. It's not just about hearing the words. It's about understanding the stories, the struggles and the dreams of the humans that you're actually listening to. When you listen with your heart. I'm going to say that again because most of you listen with your ears. When you listen with your heart, you connect on a deeper level and that's where you can make a real impact in the lives of others around you. And the last thing, Liz, that I really want to talk about is integrity and trustworthiness. These are your anchors, or at least they should be. They're what make people feel safe with you, what makes you like you can be helpful. But then there's like that person that you're willing to lean on. They know that you're going to be there. It's about being someone who doesn't just talk the talk, but walks the walk with honesty. Ethical actions that build bridges of trust and not to be that marketing guy on this podcast. But trust is so important in life and in business. And listen, Liz. And the humans listening to this, by the way, I hope they're listening too. Having a servant's heart is about being a beacon of hope and support. A true leader who inspires by example. It's about making the world a little brighter, one selfless act at a time. And as you journey to a life beyond your default, this is what we should be focusing on. This is a key element that again, many times gets hidden in this massive religious conversation. But if you think about how I just answered that, there was nothing religious about it. It was core human principles that when applied and paid attention to, can revolutionize how you interact with the world on a daily basis.

There's so much goodness to unpack there. I have to go down the business route as well. Just in response to what you were sharing there, because when you were talking about being truly of service, it reminded me of something I say a to clients or it's a barometer or a litmus test I use to determine whether or not this is one of the organizations I want to work with. And it's a very simple question. Are you genuinely of service? More specifically, do you solve real problems, not imagined ones? You would be surprised. You would think that every organization I run into that is not a you would be incorrect. Yeah, so that's number one. But I think that's something, you know, those who are genuinely of service, they are out there solving real problems, not imagined ones or being of service in a genuine way. You also said something there about the importance of tapping into the heart over the head. Yeah, because that's where we make our true connections. It reminds me of our toxic positivity episode where we talked about the fact that if you are too, quote, unquote productive and quote unquote proactive and quote unquote moving through your emotions and not letting them take hold of you. You miss out fundamentally on what it means to be a human and what the human experience is about. And again, bringing it back into a business context, emotional arguments, connecting with people on a human to human level, even if you are B2B, that is how you win the day. That is how you become unforgettable. That is how you step outside of mediocrity and are able to build communities. Now, I want to dig a bit into your past here, George. Yeah, I've already mentioned this. You've made no secret of the fact that your mindset has radically shifted over the years in terms of this conversation that you've struggled in the past with anger and working through feelings of. But where are my blessings? We literally have a whole episode dedicated to that about blessing bombers. I'm curious, when did that change? Was it a slow evolution or was there a specific moment or set of moments in your life that became the catalyst for helpfulness, for possessing a servant's heart as a core part of your whole ass human operating system?

Yeah, it's. It's interesting because as a young man, I was definitely like a bull in the china closet. I. I definitely was like, I'm out to rule the world. If I had won a million dollars, I would have bought everything that I would have ever wanted. It was so just self serving, like back in the day. And Liz, I'd love to just be able to tell a story of like, I woke up one day and all of a sudden I wasn't an. But that's, that's not, that's not how it happened. Honestly, it's a, it's a mix of times and so it's been more of a journey. And the way that my brain unpacks it is. I've been given these layers over time, one on top of the other that just ended up equaling this servant's heart. Happy, helpful, humble human that I've become and that I'm trying to kind of connect with others and build a community around, whether it be through stuff that we're doing professional or personal and like this podcast even. But it kind of. For me, the starting point was right after the Navy. I ended up in a place called Faith Ranch. And there was the camp director that I've talked about. His name was Bill Wiley and he's passed now. But a great man. And just the way that he fed into my soul and the lessons that he taught me, him and Arden, because Arden definitely had some like zingers as far as like ways that I think even to this day that would probably for me be the beginning, maybe even Willie May. There was a pastor before Faith Ranch, so there was a little bit of Willie May, Bill Wiley Arden after the Navy, slightly homeless, moving into like this, I'm gonna go work at this ranch and save money and potentially become a pastor point in my life that would be the beginning of it. If we fast forward and I've mentioned Dave Wright, he used to be the pastor at a church called Trinity Baptist. This is literally the story that, you know, my wife and I met him at the top of the bar that we are working at. I was a bouncer at a bar and through the way that he kind of poured into our lives. Went from being a bounce bar to youth pastor at a church. So like that was kind of the layer of how this happened. Heck, even after that, you know, ending up in Mind Grab Media, AKA Epiphany and meeting Eric Jacobs and some of the layers and things that he would apply into my brain and some belief structures and like just lessons that I learned along the way that I don't even know if he realizes. They were powerful lessons that I was learning. Fast forward to the sales lion. A huge piece with Marcus Sheridan was there's no secret sauce. We were talking about this from a business standpoint. But you know me, I'm kind of weird. Like Dan Tire says, you're inbound in human form. So take that to me hearing no secret sauce. And at a human level, I'm gonna just give them everything. There's no secret sauce. Right. And I even go back to the original HubSpot Academy crew was like, they were down with the no secret sauce. We're going to teach everybody everything about the way to do business in a more human way. But to be honest, Liz, like all of those layers, you've heard the saying, the straw that broke the camel's back. One of the layers that for will ever cement this servant's heart whole ass human conversation we're having today was the conversation when I first started my business. And you're like, george, what would it look like if you showed up as a whole ass human? And I feel like all those layers before I was like a half or let's Maybe even say 3/4 unlocked or fully unlocked to like this servant heart's life. But when I heard whole ass human, I was like, I really need to just quit dinking around. Like I need to be 100 in. In the way that I believe and the person that I want to be and the things that I can achieve because of, because of that. And so as you can tell, it was like multiple people over time with lessons that were taught that got me to this point of just this structured belief around being a servant leader, being a servant in life, doubling down on that helpful part of happy, helpful, humble human.

That's incredible. And it's something that does happen by slow degrees. You know, when I think about my relationship with helpfulness, there are certain parts of our stories that rhyme. I mean, I remember looking back in my early 20s and just being very angry. But that was anger rooted from a place of shame, of otherness. You know, I left I left college because I just, I was surrounded by so many people who seemed so sure about what it is that they were doing. And I was about to be another second year psychology major and I just didn't, I couldn't, I wanted to feel sure the way others felt sure. And then that put me in a place of otherness, which made me feel very, very angry, which made me feel less excited to help my fellow man and more leaning toward helping myself. Because no one else is going to help me. If I'm not looking out for me, no one's going to look out for me. And it becomes a self imposed isolation. You know, that's something I've since grown out of. But I just remember those were very lonely. What's interesting about this mentality that we're talking about is that I think it's easy to think of helpfulness as this one dimensional verb, right? Like I'm going to help you with advice. I am going to be there for you. I am going to be of genuine service. Service as a leader, a friend, a spouse or whatever. But it has second and third order effects. Whether that switches on or whether that switches off. You know, if that switches off, you end up in scenarios like, like I was, I was, I was very lonely and I was very angry at the world. I had taken a step back from my communities and then wondered why I was alone. And that's where it gets fascinating. So I do want to tap into something you said at the start of this conversation because I want to make sure this one to one connection is very clear. Helpfulness. I don't think anybody's here debating with us as to whether or not this is a good thing, whether or not helpfulness is helpful as a human. But I want to understand why you see this conversation as a core component of living life beyond your default.

I love this question because my hope is that all the humans listening to these episodes that we're creating now and by the way, in the future when I'm long gone, are achieving a life beyond their default. And Liz, we start to really embrace that servant's heart. It's like we're kind of turning the camera away from selfie mode to actually capturing the world around us. And it's this beautiful shift where we start to see life not just through our lens, but through the eyes of others that are around us. And let me tell you, that's where life starts to get really rich, really meaningful. It's like we're tapping into this deep well of human values, compassion and Selflessness, it's not just about us anymore because by the way, that gets boring and lonely, but it's about being part of something bigger, something beautiful. And my goodness, the growth that comes from this serving others, it's like nourishment for the soul, for the body, for the mind. It grows empathy, patience, humility. And you start to feel this sense of gratitude or contentment that's hard to find anywhere else. It's like you're sculpting a more mature, well rounded version of ourselves or of yourself. And trust me, that's a great place to get to. But it's not just about personal growth. It's about community and connection. And you know, that community, Liz, is something that one, has natively happened to me over the past 10 years and two, I'm super passionate about. And a servant's heart is like a bridge to connecting us to each other. And that's why I think this has happened just natively in the business side of my life because of who I'm showing up to be. The narrative that I'm asking others to show up as the happy, helpful, humble human. And it breaks down these walls we built. The isolation, the loneliness that you talked about, it creates a network of support and more importantly, a sense of belonging. We're not just individuals, we're part of this vibrant, interconnected community. And I think that's why I loved my professional career so much in the HubSpot ecosystem is that inbound and the original humans of the ecosystem embodied a servant's heart for each other. Everybody talked about how it was like the most helpful group of humans that they had met. But a bonus though, something that resonated with me, this concept of serving others. Liz, the reason why we Google it and it gives us what it gives us is because you can't deny it is a spiritual journey. It's like we're connecting to something way bigger than ourselves. It could be our community, it could be our humanity or a higher power, depending on who that is. For you, this connection is a source of. And at least for me, and I believe for most other humans, this connection is a source of peace and fulfillment. And when you're living a life of peace and fulfillment, it's like finding the secret ingredient to a life well lived. A heart fully open, you know, a life that is beyond your default. That's what this is like.

I love about what you said about connecting to a higher power, whatever that means for us. Maybe it's just a greater sense of community or maybe sometimes it's like when I'm in the chair at the hairdresser and she does that little massage thing when I'm getting my hair washed. Like that is connecting to a higher power right there.

Or it could be Yahweh.

That is.

Whichever.

That is a. That is a straight up biblical moment. I the.

Anyway, I do like the massage at the hair. Like cuz that too.

Everybody does.

I'll be honest here. I do what they call the mvp and they do like the neck massage and they do the. And they do the little tea whatever stuff in your hair thingy. And anyway, that's not why we're here. But sometimes you got to care for yourself. You got to love yourself. You got to give yourself time. Anyway, maybe we will actually talk about that before this is over. Anyway, let's move for it.

Well, you can bet your bottom dollar that we have an episode about self care coming up, folks. So stick around for that one.

We'll have a special guest. I probably won't be here for that one.

Nice try, chucklehead. You'll be there. All right. We're talking in very aspirational tones, but one of the things that I always like to talk about in any conversation is when things go too far. So before we start talking about that though, I want to get very clear on the first flip side of your definition of what isn't a servant's mentality. In what ways might people be defining this incorrectly?

It's time to nerd out. In other words, I love diving into the heart of what something is by absolutely digging into what it's not. It's like peeling back the layer to reveal the true essence of the thing we're researching, especially with something as profound as today's topic. So a servant's mentality. Let's go ahead and kind of, you know what's on my brain. First off, there's this idea of serving for applause. You know who you are. You're looking for that pat on the back. You're helping because you want the shiny trophy. Stop it. There's also this thing of like, true leadership is like giving without even thinking about what you'll get in return. I think that's what I think about when I think about again, the alternate to that is like, I don't care if I win a trophy. I don't need a pat on the back. I'm gonna help because it's the right thing to do. It's pure selfless. Then there's also this sneaky thing that gets in there and I Fallen prey to this. But it's this idea of being self centeredness or self centered. It's. It's easy to be honest with you. Almost natural to put our own needs first, but to really embrace a servant's mentality. We gotta flip that script, y'. All. We gotta flip that script and put others in the spotlight instead of ourselves. And to be honest, Liz, again, I was connecting dots during this whole research phase. I think this is why I love doing interviews or emceeing events so much. Because I get to put other people in the spotlight. I get to step back and serve them and help them tell their stories or help people realize how amazing they are. But, but there's also a gotcha here about when we're. Man, it's funny, all of these I probably can tie back to something that has happened in my, my life. Have you ever had somebody help you? But it came with a side of superiority. That's not really what serving is about. It's not about looking. Yeah. It's not about looking down from a pedestal. It's about empathy, respect, and standing shoulder to shoulder with the those you're serving. Liz, have you ever heard these words? Because this is, this is another good. Kind of like, this ain't. This ain't what it is. I'll help, but only if listeners. Have you ever heard that like, this is conditional service. True servant leadership doesn't come with terms and conditions. It's open hearted, inclusive and unconditional. And maybe a brother cousin, you know, like the mafiosa narcos. Like I don't know that. Like the bad, the black sheep of the family of conditional service is manipulation. And it's under the disguise of service. And in my book that's a freaking big no no. Because it's like the evil of evils. It's the opposite of what serving is all about. Authentic service is about lifting others up, not using them. And I'm talking to you. If you're in the business realm and you've ever done this. Authentic service is about lifting others up, not using them as stepping stones. Now, Liz, here's the thing. I'm not trying to be spicy, but it's just I've run into this or been part of these things that I'm mentioning. But we can't end this conversation without like not forgetting to take care of ourselves. We've got to talk about that a little bit. It's like trying to fill others cups while ours runs empty. Which of course, if I go spiritual, like I have this scripture it's like about filling my cup and, and I really lean into that. But in this case it's like trying to fill others cups while ours runs empty. Serving others is beautiful, but it is humanly impossible to pour from an empty cup. So self care, which by the way we just referenced that we might actually do a whole episode of this. Self care isn't selfish, it's essential. True service is like a dance that you've got to move with the rhythm of those you're serving, even if that is you or if it's someone else. It's about being adaptable, really tuning in to what they or heck even we. You need understanding these default states help us grasp what a servant's mentality truly is and how we can embody it more authentically, even every aspect as we build our lives beyond our defaults. It's about being genuine, Liz, selfless and truly connected with those around us whom we serve. That's what it isn't and what it is kind of combined together.

Well, you also started tapping into the part of the discussion I really wanted to get into is when does it go toxic? Because I think sometimes, you know, there's the overt toxicity of quote unquote helpfulness. I'm here for myself, but I'm going to say I'm here for you. Like that kind of stuff. You know, I think we all know when we're doing it, even if we're trying to convince ourselves we're not doing it. I think that part we know where it gets a little bit tricky and where I have found myself challenged in the past is whether you're coming from a place of trauma or you're coming from a place of just maybe predisposition towards people pleasing. This type of mentality can accidentally become self destructive. It's not really helpfulness if you are sacrificing your own boundaries at every turn to quote unquote be of service. There is a servants mentality, but there is also the slave mentality as well. A good way I used to think about it as I was pulling myself out of this is my therapist asked me, are you really trying to help or are you trying to keep the peace? And this became a really important question for me because I've, I've talked about this on previous episodes. You know, I, I grew up in an abusive environment and that made me very hypervigilant about other people's emotions. It made me hypervigilant whenever I would perceive any sort of threat to calm because that meant like my fight or flight response would activate. I would get very anxious and I would get very nervous. And so I became this consummate people pleaser with zero boundaries because I was constantly trying to keep my environment in a safe and calm state. Now when I was younger and still in that live environment, it made sense. It was tragic and it sucked that it had to happen. But, you know, I'm fine now. But I still carried some of that with me as I got older where I still couldn't let go of that anxiety around, oh gosh, is somebody having an uncomfortable feeling? It is my responsibility to remove the discomfort. And this is where we need to start drawing that line. When we look at ourselves and we evaluate what role does helpfulness play in our lives? How does our servant's heart manifest fast? Are we doing it out of a survival instinct? Are we doing it from a place of I have to make sure nobody's uncomfortable? It is my responsibility to carry the emotional health of whatever dynamic that I'm in. And that's where we need to be very, very careful.

It's funny because I jokingly said you're talking about helpfulness meant too much. I said, is that even a possibility? And it's funny because helpfulness, it can be this double edged sword, right? I mean, helpfulness is a beautiful thing, but it can get tricky. Like you just kind of talked about, if we're not careful, like it can get real tricky. Most of us fall prey to this idea or this thing of putting everyone else first and kind of forgetting about ourselves. And it can start to feel like we're running a marathon with no water breaks. Now before I go too far into that analogy, not that I have ever run, run a marathon, but I can, I can tie into it. Listen, you're gonna hit a wall, you're gonna feel a bit of resentment, honestly, and your own tank starts to run on empty. And I'm gonna double down on what I said a little bit earlier. Self care isn't selfish. It's essential to keep you in the game or keep you in the race. If I continue with that analogy and listen, I feel like I need to say that again for the humans that are half listening in the back row or driving their car because it's that important. Self care isn't selfish. It's essential to keep you running the race or keep you in the game.

You can't take anybody anywhere in your imaginary helpfulness car if you don't have any gas in your own tank.

Yeah. So this other side of this, and we've probably all said, oh yeah, she's an enabler. And this whole enabling others thing that we do as humans, it's like always tying someone's shoe for them. Like let's be honest, eventually they might need to learn how to tie their own daggone shoe. And we as humans, and by the way, I'm using a very lightweight example for that one because maybe they need to like get off the dope, maybe they need to like actually own their marriage they're in. Maybe they actually need like there's some heftier ones other than tying your shoes that I could use here. But I'm, you know, at the end of the day we've got to strike a balance between lending a hand and letting others flex their problem solving muscles. Because here's the thing, if we're always doing it for them, and this is going to be hard for some people to hear, if you're always doing it for little Johnny, if you're always doing it for little Susie, like we're keeping them weak. And weak humans have almost no chance to live a life beyond their default. So while you're trying to become the best you can and while you're trying to build a legacy, are you keeping the ones around you weak out of this thing that you feel is helpfulness or being a servant? But it's that double edged sword part. And this makes me think about the episode we did on boundaries. Liz, Boundaries. They're crucial to like this conversation. Sometimes we step in with the best intentions, but we might be crossing a line. It's like walking into someone's house without knocking. By the way, don't do that at my house. You will be in trouble. Never. We need to, we need to honor everyone's personal space and their independence and again, let them tie their own dang shoe. Quit it. Just quit. You must, and I mean must, make sure the help we're offering is actually welcome and wanted. Because helping for the wrong reason, that's a slippery slope that some of us have found ourselves in. It's like giving a gift, but accepting something in return. True kindness. Helpfulness is giving freely without expecting anything in return. It's about caring sincerely, not about getting approval or controlling others lives. So here's the deal. You've got to be discerning with your helpfulness. We all have to be discerning with the helpfulness that we're thinking about dishing out in life. It's about tuning in to what the other person really needs and respecting those boundaries. Checking our motives at the door and remembering to put on our own oxygen mask first. See what I did there with the whole oxygen. Anyway, listen, real talk, ladies and gentlemen, true helpfulness is a dance. Finding that sweet spot where our help is truly, well, helpful, because otherwise, it's just not.

It's like that great piece of scripture that I love so much. Check thyself before thy wreck thy.

Oh, yes, that's. That is a good. That's a good scripture, Luda.

24:45.

Yes, exactly. You better check yourself before you wreck yourself Anyway. And this is what we do here.

I love this podcast. I love it so much. All right, you already started dipping into this question because I think you said two things that were really, really important. Number one, boundaries. Boundaries are essential to this helpfulness conversation. And you've already started talking a bit about the importance of putting on your own oxygen mask first. But I want to ask you, how do you find the balance between being helpful and knowing when you need to help yourself? Are there certain triggers or cues that you feel? Are there certain things you proactively look out for?

Yeah, I don't know if I'm pro. Like, listen, we've said it before. We're learners of the things that we're talking students here. Students.

Yeah.

Trying to be masters, maybe helping others become masters through being the student. And I've gotten better at this the older that I've gotten. But I definitely want to double down on setting boundaries. I mean, it literally is like drawing our own kind of personal map. I mean, we've got to know our own territory. Where it ends, where it begins, where someone else's begins. It's about understanding our limits, what we can give. How much can we give without draining our own tank? You have to know yourself and understanding. And list. I absolutely suck at the words that are about to come out of my mouth. But saying no or maybe or not right now, it isn't being selfish. It's being smart. It's protecting your time and your energy so that you can be there for others in the long run that really, really need it. And again, honestly, I'm not the greatest at either of those. Saying no or protecting my time are two things that I'm actively working on.

Well, you know, it's funny, the no thing that you just brought up, it reminded me of something that I used to say. And like you, I was like, I know this is the right thing to advise, but I'm not great at taking my own advice. But this idea of when I. When I used to be a department Leader at an agency. One of the things that I used to say to folks when they would feel they were taking on too much, they felt like they couldn't help everybody that needed to be helped, I would say, well, when you're saying yes to something, what is it that you're saying no to to? And that is something you can ask those folks. Okay, I'm happy to prioritize this. I'm happy to say yes to X. But that does mean we need to say no to something else because of the priorities that I currently have in front of me now. Am I super good about that in practice? No, that is no. But it sounds nice, doesn't it? It sounds.

It sounds great. Yeah. So setting boundaries now again, I'm going to double or triple click into something that we mentioned a bit earlier and that is prioritizing self care. That's the fuel for the journey. It might look like what I said earlier, getting the NVP haircut where I actually let somebody treat me and like make me feel special. It might actually be taking a day off because you decide that you need that for you. It's going to be different things. But what it is and what you should think about it, it's like sketching little pit stops in your daily rat race. It could be five minutes of meditation. It could be going and standing outside with your fe in the grass with no shoes or socks on. It could be going out to your back porch and maybe smoking a cigar if that's your thing. I'm not saying that it has to be your thing, but what are those little pit stops in your daily rat race? I mean, it could be hitting the gym, it could be tapping into one of your hobbies. It could just again be getting some good relaxation. And Liz, you know me, I love me some good old relaxation. Like these should be non negotiables for you if you want to keep active, actually going through, if you want to keep your engine running smooth, keep you ready and able to help others without running on fumes. I feel like I could make a fast and furious reference here, but I won't do it.

Let the nos flow through you.

Let it without fumes anyway. But here, here's the thing, Liz. To do anything that we're talking about here, we need to have a healthy dose of self awareness, right? So we've got boundaries, we've got self care and we've got that self awareness. I feel like in the future there should be like a self episode. All the selves that you should be paying Attention to and not. But self awareness is or should be our compass. Your compass regular check ins with yourself asking how am I really do? Have you asked yourself that ever? By the way listeners, how am I really doing? You see, it's about catching those early signs of stress or burnout. It's about knowing when your well being is taking a back seat and making sure that you're not just running on autopilot. Because ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you, autopilot is dangerous. I correlate autopilot to ending up in the hospital for three and a half days. To be honest with you, when you're tapped into yourself, you can understand your motivations and you can start to dig deep. This might be self awareness and digging deep and understanding yourself. It might be an expert trail. I mean it might be a black diamond on the beyond. Your default journey. It's scary and it gets ugly sometimes. But understanding your motivations, it's like asking yourself, why am I really doing this? And I don't know if you've ever got caught up in something and just went with it because you didn't have the ability or self awareness to ask yourself, what in God, God's name am I doing? Why am I really doing this? Are you helping or being a servant from a place of genuine care? Or again, is it to get that pat on the back or that trophy? It could be even darker side of this. Are you being helpful? So you found a way to avoid your own problems. I mean, make sure you're helping for the right reasons, not just for approval or as a way to escape your own issues because you're just staying busy. I'm staying busy by being helpful. So therefore I don't have to look at myself or fix myself.

That is hurtfully accurate. Ouch.

Rude. I only know because I live it. I've lived it. Like flag on the play, 10 yard penalty.

Yeah, replay. First down, right? You want some help with that? Oh my God. Now I love a lot of the points that you're making here. It's reminding me of one of the cues that I've started to pick up on. Well, two things. One, did somebody even ask for help right now? Granted, sometimes not everybody's going to be asking for the help that should be given because they don't know how to ask for help. That's a different scenario. But how many times do we artificially insert ourselves into scenarios where we had no business being there? Maybe somebody just wanted advice. Maybe, just maybe somebody just needed support so they could do it on Their own. And that's what real helpfulness looks like. I think again, sometimes it can be easy to accidentally lapse into the well, here, let me do this for you. Because there's that knee jerk, like subconscious reflex to remove pain or discomfort from somebody else. Then there's the other piece of it, of when I feel the urge to help someone, I check in with my energy tank. Let's pretend I do have the time and do I have the resources? Yes, those are both. Yes. Do I have the energy, Do I have the desire? Or is this a time I need to take for myself? I mean, I've had times in recent memory where I end up at the end of a week with negative energy surplus. Like I am just drowning. And it's because I look back and say, because those are a bunch of yeses that should have been no's or yes, but next week. Yeah, those are a bunch of times where like I put myself in the position to run myself into the ground because I did not know how to set boundaries.

And that's when you have to ask yourself, like, because again, part of this is about the hard questions, but like, do I hate myself or do I really love myself? Because what did this week say about it?

So we've touched upon a bunch of examples of genuine helpfulness already, but what are some other examples of what genuine helpfulness looks like in practice?

Yeah, I saw this question and I said to myself, oh shoot, I'm in trouble. If my mother or my wife ever listened to this episode. I know I'm gonna get a SMS message, an email, or somebody's gonna come up to my face and go, well, then why didn't you just do the dishes? Or why didn't you just vacuum the floor? Or why didn't you just because, See, here's that honeydew. Listen. Because here's the deal, real deal, Holyfield. It's being the first to raise your hand. It's stepping up before anyone even has to ask. It's about being proactive, not just reactive. You see a need. You're already lacing up your shoes and you're saying, put me in, coach, and you jump into the game. It's not about waiting for a signal. It's not about being tuned in, always on the lookout for how you can make the difference. What I'm saying is it is always about being tuned in, always on the lookout for how you can make that difference. This is why I'm saying I would. Somebody's gonna say, then don't you see the dishes over there. Didn't you see the floor? Need a vacuum? True help.

Waiting for you to be proactive.

Man, this one is smacking me.

Hi, Kelly.

It's like I'm. I'm have. I'm like, boxing with, like, Evander Holyfield or something. But. But true helpfulness or servanthood is like giving a gift and just forgetting about it. Like, imagine if she woke up and the dishes were already put away. Or imagine if she got home and the house was already vacuumed. And imagine if I wasn't hanging around waiting for a thank you card or a favor in return because I actually did those things. Our reward, your reward is in knowing that you made someone's day a little bit brighter. You made somebody's day a little bit easier. It's about the joy in their smile, not the pat on the back. Liz, this ties into my zero expectations rule that we've mentioned in earlier podcast episodes. Like, just do the thing and have zero expectations. Servants. And I'm talking to you if you want to have this mindset or you feel like you have this mindset. Servants, consistency and reliability are your trademarks. When you're consistently there, always ready to lend a hand, people trust your helpfulness. It's genuine. It's real. Servants. Honesty and transparency are your foundations. It's being upfront about what you can do and just as importantly, what you can't do do. It's about knowing your limits and being transparent about them. And hey, if you're not the right person for the job, it's okay to pass the baton. Pointing someone in the right direction, that's just as helpful. Liz, you know this, and this does go back even to the sales line and Marcus Sheridan. In my business, I'm always trying to diagnose whether I'm the right fit or not. And if I'm not, guess what? Here's somebody I know. You should probably talk to them, because that's the most helpful thing to do. Being volunteer. Oh, God.

I know. When you look like you're about to have indigestion, we're about to hit something good.

Yeah, I always get these, like, moments where I feel like I'm gonna, like, lose my lunch. But being voluntarily proactive, no strings attached, consistent and reliable, honest and transparent. That is literally the blueprint of genuine helpfulness, AKA a servant's heart. It's about being that steady, reliable force in a world that's consistently spinning around you and the other ones that you're trying to serve and be helpful with. I know that whole section is gonna come back to bite me in the butt.

Hi, Kelly. We love you. He's on his way to do the dishes right now. I really need to proactively and voluntarily.

Podcast is over. I gotta go put dishes away.

I have a couple other examples that I want to throw in there because I. I love how you're talking about helpfulness at a very high level, but I think a micro example that. And this is a quote where I can't remember who said it, so I apologize. But I saw this thing somewhere that said, if you really want to help someone, tell them what they need to hear. If you want to help yourself, tell them what they want to hear. And I thought that was a fascinating way to think about the difference between being genuinely helpful versus people pleasing. Now, there is a caveat here. There is a distinct line. Now, if you're in entrepreneurial circles, there is a book called Radical Candor by Kim Scott. I love that book. Which talks about being radically candid. Honesty is a form of true helpfulness, a form of true love, a form of true compassion. Like that is when you are your most effective. And then there's something called ruinous empathy where you're. You don't want to hurt someone's feelings, so you don't actually tell them what is truly helpful in a given scenario. This is not a blank check to be an. I just want to be very clear.

Yeah.

Because I've seen people say, well, I'm just being radically candid. Well, this is what you need to hear. You have to balance all acts of helpfulness through a lens of genuine compassion.

Yeah. Honesty is not a baseball bat.

No. Although I do like the metaphor two by four of truth. But let's not actually do that. And I find that very frustrating, where people, under the guise of being helpful, become bulldozers. Are you lifting people up? Are you empowering them? Are you realizing that sometimes you need to let people walk and do things on their own? Do you always have to be in the right? Do you always have to know the best way? Do you always have to be the guide? Again, it goes back to something you were talking about earlier, George, which is how do you position yourself? How do you view yourself in this scenario? If you're viewing yourself as some sort of of savior, some sort of know it all, you've got a problem.

Yeah.

Now, the second example that I want to point out actually reminds me of one of my first people, managers, who really made a big difference in my life. And his name was Sean Quill. He was the VP of Operations at Living Social. And I didn't know that there was a label for it at the time, but he is something called servant leadership. Right. We've talked about servant mentality, how that comes more out of the religious spaces, but there is a whole school of thought of leadership called servant leadership. And that means you are a servant leader when you focus on the needs of others before you consider your own. It's a longer term approach to leadership rather than a technique that you can adopt in specific situations. It is a posture, it is a mindset, it is a mentality. And Sean really altered my view as a people manager because I would go on to manage a very large team at Living Social. I've managed departments and teams since. And he looked at me in the eye and I can't remember the conversation, but I was asking him for support about something and I made essentially an allusion to the, the fact, well, like, well, you're the boss. I wasn't trying to be a jerk, he hadn't said anything wrong, but it was just like, well, you're the boss man, you know what I mean? And he went, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think you understand. When I walk in here every day, I don't act like you work for me, I work for you.

Yeah.

And that little different way of looking at, it's a very small change in how you think about something, but it was really impactful because that is what true servanthood looks like. And that was something I carried with me when I had my own teams, which is that is if you're not empowered for success. I am failing.

Yeah.

I don't care how good our numbers are, I don't care if we have other problems. If I'm not serving you in the best way possible, then Houston, we've got a problem.

Yeah, without a doubt.

So last question. If someone struggles to break out of a default that is more self focused, how can you encourage someone today, right now, in this moment, to take baby steps toward a more servant minded life?

So it's interesting because I think there was some information in this question that I really leaned into and that is that they're trying to break the default that they're in, which is the opposite of what we've been talking about. And baby steps you mentioned in here. So I tried to keep it simple. My answer for this one. So the first thing is that I would ask them to do is just try small acts of kindness, honestly, like being the Blessing, the Blessing Bomber in small ways. For me, it's been like sprinkling a little bit of magic in my everyday life every time I get to do one of those small acts of kindness. Be a blessing bomber. It could be a compliment here or there, a helping hand. It could just be being a little bit more polite in your daily interactions. For some of you, that will be a blessing to many. Like, these little things might seem small, but. But they tend to add up. It's like planting seeds of kindness wherever you go. That's what I would want you to put in your mind. How can you do these small little things? The next thing is, especially when we're trying to break the default of like, it's about me, it's about me, it's all about me is this idea of active listening. And I referenced my heart versus the ears earlier. But this one can be huge and it can be easy ish, but it's about really tuning in when someone's talking to you, not just waiting for your turn to speak. It could be as simple as flipping your phone over when you're actually trying to have a human conversation. It's giving them your full attention. Asking questions that show that you're really listening, really caring that you're trying to dig deeper into understanding them instead of just shutting them up with a response or well, anyway, to be honest, this is how we as humans build bridges, how we connect heart to heart. This is when we truly feel like we belong. The next one that I would give people. And again, you know me, Liz, I'm a good sit at the base of a tree and think guy. So I had to throw in here a power of reflection. After you do something kind. After you do some active listening, then give yourself the space to take a moment to think about it.

It.

How the heck did that make you feel, by the way? That's fueling your engine because you'll feel that that feeling is actually very important to you and you actually get a lot out of giving or being helpful to others. What impact might it have had on the other person? This is a question that I like to ask because see it, it isn't about sitting at the base of that tree and patting yourself on the back. It's actually more about understanding the ripple effect of your actions and the joy that comes from giving. And Liz, you know me, I'm a big ripples guy. But as with any journey you set out on setting realistic goals like that's the road map, you have to understand where you're headed. It could be as simple as one act of kindness daily or a few hours of volunteering each month. What do you want to achieve after listening to this podcast around being helpful or having a servant's heart? It's not about overloading your plate. It's not that, like, oh, now I need to go do all the things because I need to be a servant leader. I need to have a servant heart. It's not about, like, just too much for you, because baby steps and trying to implement this and break out of defaults. It's about setting achievable, meaningful goals that guide you on this journey to a life beyond your default. And I really do believe that starting with these steps, you're laying the foundation for a life that's more about serving and giving. And the best part, these steps are easy to integrate into your life. They're doable, practical, and they pave the way for more significant changes down the road. Literally. This might need to be one of the first things that I would hope people would listen to or read to actually activate some of the other conversations that we have had and will have in the future. But it's about taking that first step and then just continuing to walk step by step towards the life of your dreams, step by step towards a life powered by a servant's heart. Step by step towards a life beyond your default.