Victim vs. Victor Mentality: Knowing + Living the Difference

If I would have chased it, if I would have been determined, if I would have said I can succeed, what would have that meant in your life? Now, I'm not saying to do that because you're looking backwards. I'm saying to do that because the next time that you feel like you want to shut down and give up, I want you to have that as a lever or a switch that you can pull and say, not this time. Gotta be solution oriented or have a solution oriented approach. Rather than dwelling on the problems which many of us have, many of those of us who have or want to have a Victor's mindset focus on finding the dang solution. We must approach challenges with a mindset that asks the question, how can I overcome this? We must approach the challenges in our life with a mindset that asks the simple question, is it possible?

Welcome back to Beyond. You'd default. I'm your host, Liz Morehead, and as always, I'm joined by George B. Thomas. How are you this morning, Liz?

I am doing great because this is going to be the first and only 32nd podcast that we'll ever need to do. Because, listen, it's about victim versus Victor mentality. When you realize you're blessed in life, it's hard to have a victim mentality. We're all blessed. Okay, let's go home. No, I'm just kidding. We probably need to dive more into this. But, Liz, I'm doing great. I'm super excited for today and today's conversation.

Me too. And you've already let the cat out of the bag of what we're talking about today. We're talking about victim versus Victor mentality. And this is a conversation that came up. It's actually come up in a number of episodes. It's come up in the episode in which we talked about having an owner's mindset about your own life. It's come up in conversations about fear. It's come up in conversations about anger. And we knew that we had to dedicate an entire conversation just to this topic because it is so important. Because as we discussed before, our thoughts shape our reality. We think it, we believe it, and we act in accordance with those beliefs. So, George, let's go ahead and dive into today's discussion because as you know, as our resident word nerd, I'm a big fan of having clear definitions. So can you talk to me a bit about what the difference is between a victim versus Victor mentality? What are they? What are we talking about?

I love a good definition as well, Liz. And we'll get into that, but first, I want everyone to know. And when I say no, I mean listen in closely. Like, here's the thing. I know that a lot of people who are listening a podcast are multitasking. So in this case, stop what you're doing right now and listen with purpose. Because the first thing I want to address is the difference between being a victim and having a victim mentality. We're not even talking victim versus Victor here. We're literally just breaking it down to victim versus victim mentality, because there's a big difference, and we have to address the elephant in the room. Being a victim refers to experiencing specific harmful events, such as a crime, abuse, discrimination, where one is wronged or mistreated. Liz, we've all been there. We've had these moments, and we know we've been a victim. We feel it. We understand it. Being a victim is an external reality based on actual events that happen, not a chosen mentality or attitude that we grab a hold of and carry along for our journey. Typically, being a victim is seen as a temperate, temporary state. I'm going to state that again. Temporary state. With many individuals actively working towards healing and overcoming Actively working towards healing and overcoming the impact of their victimization. With that said, though, Liz, if you have been a victim, I have to pause and be like, I'm sorry, I've been there, done that. I think, Liz, I even have a T shirt in the back of my closet about the things that have happened in my life from the point of like, wow, I just got victimized. And like, holy crap, what just happened. But again, if I go back to that thing. Temporary and actively working towards healing and overcoming. Okay, I know how the listeners feel. I know that we've all had these moments. If you're able to work through them by yourself, good. If you need to find professional help to get past that victimization, then I hope you do that. That's my hope for you. By the way, I had a long conversation with my daughter and my wife about the fact that I have never gone to therapy and why I haven't. And my daughter said something that blew my mind of like, I don't even know if you'd be able to do therapy with who you are. There are people out there. There's a whole lot that we could probably unpack with that right there.

There's a lot you just dropped there. But we're going to move along. We're going to move along.

Yeah, Listen, beyond your default has been a real thing. Like, I'm drudging up old things and working through things. And there are byproducts and particles in my life that are happening because of these conversations that we're having, which is exciting to me. I'm glad this is happening. But if you have been a victim and you cannot make it that it is a temporary state, if you are drudging it along with you along the way, then get professional help, that would be my. My hope for you. The key that I want to pull out of this fact is being a victim, though, is that temporary state. So what if you get stuck? That's who we're talking to. What if you get stuck and you start to develop this victim mentality and it branches out from the one thing to many things in your life? A victim mentality. What we have to understand when we're talking about here is having a victim mentality is a psychological state where one consistently sees themselves as a victim over and over again, all the time sees themselves as a victim regardless of the actual situation. Right. The first thing we're talking about, actual moment in time. Second thing we're talking about, maybe not really, but you think it is, it involves an internalized belief system that extends beyond specific victimizing events, marked by feelings of powerlessness, blame towards external factors or others for the misfortunes that we're facing, and a sense of being trapped in victimhood. If you're trying to live a life beyond your default, you can't have a sense of being trapped in anything, let alone being tracked in victimhood. And so this mentality is a chronic outlook impacting various aspects of our lives, not just those linked to the original events. It creates a self perpetuating cycle where individuals focus on grievances, they shirk personal responsibilities, anticipate negative outcomes. Liz Obviously today words are hard, but we're going to make it through which these things that we're listing out can stop personal growth right in its tracks, erode relationships and diminish one's overall well being. Which by the way, if we think about stopping it right in its tracks, growth, eroded relationships and diminishing one's overall well being. There are three historical podcast episodes that point to the importance of like those things being in line for you to be on this journey beyond your default. Listen, if you're stuck in what I just said, I hate to say or use the word never, but it's a recipe for disaster. And if you can't get out of it, you may never ever reach what could be the life beyond your default. So that's why today, Liz, we're talking about transitioning from this victim mentality into this Victor mentality. But the listeners might be wondering, well, George, when you say Victor's mentality, what do you mean? What actually is it? We're going to dig into that deeper. Just a little bit of a taste test, though, because I want. I want to kind of tease a taste test of the Victor's mentality here. When I say Victor's mentality, it's about adopting an attitude of strength, resilience, and positivity combined with a belief in one's own ability to overcome challenges and shape one's destiny. This mentality is crucial for in your personal and professional life, if you're going to kind of achieve success and you're trying to have some satisfaction and you're trying to have joy and happiness and you're chasing significance. Adopting an attitude of strength, resilience and positivity combined with a belief in one's own ability to overcome challenges and shape one's destiny is highly important. Now, there's a word in there, though, Liz, that I want to just zoom in on, and that's adopting the action or fact of choosing to take up, follow or use something. A conscious choosing to take up strength to follow or use resilience and positivity in your life. Right to this, so that you can head to your destiny. Liz, there's a dope quote that I want to share with the listeners. Omar Sheriff. I believe I'm saying that last name, right. Say that.

Omar Sharif.

Thank you. Thank you.

Yep.

Omar Sharif. By the way, go watch the movies. Look up the name. Go watch the movies. Because classics, anyway. Not why we're here. The quote, once you save yourself, the universe will somehow conspire to help you out. But the work must be ignited from within. At the very end, we are our own victim as well as our own savior. And if I could rewrite this, I would say our own Victor. The rest are mere excuses. What I want the listeners to say to themselves after this podcast is over is simply this, Liz, because we got a road that we're going to travel down. But I would want them to say this. I am willing to give up my past because I believe in my future. That's what I hope they say. And I hope they tie back into that adoption of the attitude of strength, resilience, positivity, and that belief of their own ability, as I have said, to design their own lives, to journey that journey of becoming or creating a life beyond their default.

You know, the Depth at which you explored my first question kind of makes it so I'm pretty sure I know what the answer is to my next question, because your answer is rooted very deeply in experience. So I have to ask, is this something you have struggled with? Have you struggled with having a victim mentality in your life? Okay, that's what I thought. Thank you.

I mean, podcast over.

We're done.

I saw this question and I literally started giggling because I was like, multiple times and maybe even still. But for sure, because, by the way, this isn't like a. Solve it and you're done. I want everybody to realize, like, this bad boy will try to creep in on you. It'll keep coming, but you can put it largely at bay instead of just, like, wallowing in it. The answer to your question, Liz, is until I was about 27 years old, everything before that was about being a victim. Why do I come from a divorced family? Why am I a high school dropout? Why did I get hives and get an honorable discharge from the Navy? Why did I go and live at a Christian camp for three years, only making a hundred dollars a month? Why haven't I been able to find a good job? Why do I feel like I'm a loser? Why is everything going wrong? Why is life not right? That was my narrative. This is why. There was the time that I talked about in a previous podcast of sitting on the couch, looking at the TV and thinking, ah, this place could burn down. And I just watched the beautiful colored flames. Like, it was terrible. Terrible. And there was this moment, at 27 years old, I met my current wife and we started having children. And I found a deeper purpose. And I realized that if I continue to live that mindset, oh, it is contagious. It is contagious. Listen, I didn't want to give my kids, I didn't want to give my wife this baggage, this disease, this victim mentality. And the other thing around that time was I actually got my butt back to church. This is where I told the story about Pastor Dave in a previous episode, Real Human. I'll go to his church. And not only church, but I started to, like, purposely put positive things in my brain. I'm going to say that again. Purposely put. By the way, I'm not saying it again for, like, our podcast editor to edit it at all. I'm putting it in here again for you as the listener, to listen to it. Purposely putting positive things in my brain. Listen. Fun little fact. At about the age 27, I stopped watching the news. I'm going to let that sink in for some people that are listening. I stopped watching the news because I couldn't stand the negativity. I couldn't understand the reporting based on the fact that it was trying to get numbers, trying to get watchers. I wanted to create at 27, 28 years old, the good news channel where you could just tune in and hear nothing but good news about how humans are good and the world is good and things are good because you wouldn't find that any place. There was another thing that later in life, Liz, when we talk about struggling with this and this is the bad boy that still creeps in every now and then. The I don't know how. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. Hey, you could get this great job. I don't know how to do that. Hey, you could have a better life if you would just I don't know how to do that. Getting this mind shift from when I would hear myself say I don't know how. Follow it up with But I'm going to figure it out. I don't know how to start a business, but I'm going to figure it out. I don't know the difference between LLC and S Corps, but I'm going to figure it out. I don't know how to hire my first employee, but I'm going to figure it out. I don't know how to get past this ish in my brain that tells me I'm going to be a loser, but I'm gonna figure it out. My question though, Liz, have you struggled with this? Have you struggled with this at all in your life?

Oh yeah. You know, I've talked on previous episodes about my history, my upbringing. There were challenges, there were circumstances that were beyond my control that led me, quite frankly, to being a very self victimizing and angry 20 something. I spent the vast majority of my late teens and twenties feeling very angry at my own otherness. At least that's how I perceived it. You know, I was an only child of two only children, so I had no aunts, uncles or cousins. I didn't have a lot of safety nets. And then when I left college when I was 19, which looking back, you know, I spent a very long time feeling different from all of my friends who were following the traditional college path and doing all of these different things and even though again, I look back now and go, I wouldn't change a thing. This is the exact path I was meant to walk. I love my career I love my life. I love all these different things about my life. I spent a lot of time feeling very life is happening to me. And it's that fine line you were talking about earlier, right? Because there are many cases in which people are truly victimized. And I had that. My childhood was pretty rough in that regard, including, you know, mid to late teens until I moved out. And those were truly cases of, you know, victimization. What's interesting, though, is I don't know how to describe this any other way. There is this song by an Irish musician called First Light by Hozier. And what was interesting about this album, it just came out over the summer, is that it tracks through Dante's Inferno and Dante going through the different levels of hell, and then finally through heaven in Purgatory, and then out the other side through the cave, into the light. So First Light is the last song on this album. And what's interesting about the whole thesis of the story is that it's basically a meditation on reacquainting yourself with the light after a period of darkness. Now, in the story of Dante's Inferno, the transition from darkness, purgatory, literal hell, from that to the light is a very literal plot point that happens. Dante walks out of a cave and into the light like it happens. There is no, I need to make a decision. We are now back in the light. But when you are a person going through this metaphorical dark night of the soul, through your own personal hell, through all of these different things, you actually have to make a decision as to when the light appears. You have to make the decision at some point, say, the war is on. Myself is over. That's not ceding accountability from people who absolutely deserve it. That's not diminishing any true acts of victimization that occurred. But at some point, you do have to make the decision as to whether or not life is happening to you or whether you are the artist who is constructing their own masterpiece. Because what can happen is that you can be the person cowering in a foxhole on a battlefield for a war that ended years ago, but you're too scared to look up and see that there are blue skies above above you. And so when I think about my relationship with a victim mentality, I'll admit it's something I still struggle with. Sometimes I get very angry. I want things to feel easier. But then I'm reminded of something my friend told me once, which is, you are the safety and the rest that you seek. And part of me is like, oh, that's amazing. And the other part of me is like, can someone just take care of this for me? Like, that would be so nice. And then another quippy way to put it is when you are the problem, you are also the solution, which is probably one of the most, again, liberating, empowering things you can ever hear, but also incredibly infuriating, because could someone else just take care of this, please? I'm tired, so. Short answer. Yes. Yes. It is something I have struggled with in my life, for sure, man.

First of all, thanks for sharing that. Second of all, because I think it's powerful. I love hearing this at different angles and ways that people think about it. There's two things that I want to pull out of what you said there. One, you mentioned the word perception. And it's funny because I was waxing, like, funny at the beginning, but I said, when you realize you're blessed in life, it's hard to have a victim mentality, and we're all blessed. What I was doing there is I was literally repositioning the perception of how you might feel about life. And by the way, that might be a future episode, Liz. The power of repositioning your perspective and being able to do that and understand how to do that. But then you also mentioned safety nets, which I started to twitch a little bit because who said there was going to be nets? Who said that there was going to be safety nets? Who said that safety nets are actually even good, even though it is good to maybe sometimes feel safe. And the reason I'm unpacking this and I can't wait to actually get your response. I know I paused you there is because I also, in my brain, I immediately fast forwarded to. There's another episode that I want to do, and I just want to do one on ceilings and nets. It's because I think it's two places that we mentally put in our brain that stop us from getting where we could be and doing what we could do. But you had a large visual response when I said safety nets and said, who said, so where'd your brain jump to?

My brain jumped to somewhere very specific, which is when I say safety net, I'm sure some people could hear that and think, oh, she's looking for someone to bail her out. No, it was a matter of, like, when times got dark, I would have no one to call.

Mm.

Like, you know, I wouldn't have a mom or a dad or an aunt I was close to or extended family I could call. Like, there are a lot of years where it felt pretty Dark and alone. And that's where I think a lot of the anger came from. Is that, like being that self reliant? I pushed me into a victim mentality because I got really tired sometimes. I just wanted to be able to pick up the phone, like, even over this summer. Like, and to be fair, I have incredible friends like you, like others in my life. But at some point you just want people who were like, there since the beginning, who are the family, you know, and pieces like that. But that's where mentality becomes so important because that's where it gets into this idea of the family that you create, the communities that you build. And also, I can't count how many times in all those moments I took for granted the people who were there.

So, yeah, first of all, heard. Second of all, yeah, it's the word stuck. It keeps coming to mind, right? This idea of, like, I know I've got friends. I know they would throw me out a buoy. I know I could call, but I can't call because I'm stuck in this victim mentality.

So let's dig into Victor mentality a little bit more. I want to dig a bit more deeply into what it is and what it actually looks like in daily practice. George, can you talk me through that?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So in the journey of life, especially a life beyond your default, how we perceive and respond to our experiences, Liz, can significantly influence our path to success and our path to fulfillment. The victor's mindset is not just about winning. I'm winning at life in the traditional sense that people think, like, hey, I'm conquering the world. It's about cultivating. Hmm. It's about cultivating an inner strength and approach to life that transforms challenges, which we all have plenty of, into opportunities for growth. This might ring true to, like, a historical podcast you've listened to, like, if you've listened to some of the past ones. A victor's mindset is characterized by several key attributes that enable us to navigate life's ups and downs. Or, Liz and listeners, what I like to call hills and valleys of life, which, by the way, total side tangent. If you have never heard the song Hills and Valleys by Terence Wells after this podcast, search it on YouTube. Give it a listen. When I'm struggling, when I can feel that I'm dipping into victim mentality, it is one of the probably five songs that I'll seek out and play and reposition my perspective. But when it comes to hills and valleys, we can navigate them with resilience, positivity and purpose. You can navigate the hills and valleys of your life with resilience, positivity, and purpose. So what are the attributes that come to mind when I think about Victor mentality and Liz, there's probably some of these that will be future episodes, and I know there's some of these that we've already done episodes on, but as I was doing the research for this and getting prepped for this, I was like, there's a lot of meat on the bone. There's a lot of good stuff right here. And so the number one thing that we're going to talk about, not as in it's the top thing, but it's the first thing, is this idea of empowerment. You even said, like, stuck, and, you know, I've even said, like, felt small or don't know how, or I would even use the word insignificant versus significance. And so this idea of power men, a core tenant to a Victor's mindset, is a strong sense of empowerment. Humans with this mindset, by the way, that's you, me, the listeners, are not passive bystanders. They actively engage and shape their experiences. Liz, this is what I mean when I say, it's your life. Design it. Like, historically, on this podcast and in my daily life, people have heard me say on my whiteboard right behind me, it says, it's your life, so design it. This is because we, we're empowered to do so. We have to understand that while we can't control. Because that's not what I'm talking about. Empowerment is not control. While we can't control every aspect of our lives, we have significant influence, AKA power, over how we respond to and interact with our life. Circumstances that show up at our doorstep. This sense of empowerment fosters a proactive approach to life. Proactive. How many of us sit here on a daily basis and just wait for the ish to come? And instead of being proactive, choose a philosophy or strategy of brace yourself. Here it comes. No. Be proactive. See into the future. Have vision. Two things in my mind here. Believe in yourself. Believe in your capacity to do good and do great things. Believe that no mountain is so high that you cannot climb it. Believe that no storm is so great that you cannot weather it. By the way, those last words were not mine. They sound good, but I got to give credit. Gordon B. Hinckley quote says, believe that no mountain is so high that you cannot climb it. Believe that no storm is so great that you cannot weather it. Believe in yourself. The second thing, when I think of empowerment, we might by the way, who we have to do a full episode on. Feeling empowered in your life? Because I feel like when I read this, when I was going through this, I was like, there's a lot of times when I felt powerless versus empowered. And so I think this is something we need to dig into. And why now, as we sit here today, do I feel like we can be empowered? Why we can move forward, why we can design our own life? This is the second thing that I want to dive in here, is responsibility and accountability. Now, those are some words that some people have a hard time with, but responsibility and accountability?

Yeah, whatever.

Those who have or want a victor's mindset embrace responsibility for their actions and their lives. Rather than attributing their challenge or failures to external factors, they look inward to determine how they can change and adapt. We can't change others. We can only change ourselves. But we can only change ourselves when we look inward to determine how we can change or adapt. This sense of accountability in itself is empowering. It shifts the focus from what happens to us to how we can respond, creating a mental process for continuous growth and improvement in life. Listen, there's a video that I love. I've probably played it a thousand times. Well, maybe not a thousand, maybe 200 times in my life. Again, it's one of those go to things for me. Will Smith, Fault versus Responsibility. We'll make sure we put a link in the show. Notes number three. Liz. Resilience and perseverance. This one. Whoo. There's books like When I think of resilience, like the book Grit. Resilience is what I would call a hallmark of a victor's mindset. It's about bouncing back from setbacks and viewing obstacles as stepping stones rather than stumbling blocks. Those with a victor's mindset don't give up in the face of adversity. Instead, they use challenges as opportunities to learn, grow, and strengthen their resolve. David Goggins, Listen, you could be a fan or not a fan. He falls in kind of this realm of Gary Vee. Either love him or you hate him. Like, he uses some words that not everybody listening to this podcast will like the words. But he has this story where he talks about the Rocky movie and his own understanding of getting back up. He talks about rocky round 14. We're going to put a link to a video I found, the cleanest version of the story that I could find to share with you, the listeners. But this idea of being resilient and having perseverance and getting back up. And Liz I talk about this and have talked about this in past podcast where it's a freaking core one of my self expectations. If you remember, never give up, no matter what, never give up. Now I'm going to pause there because I got more that I want to unpack, but I need to see where Liz's brain is on the first three things that we've hit here, which again is empowerment, responsibility and accountability and resilience and perseverance. Let's do a Liz check in.

It goes back to what I was thematically struggling with personally myself, which is the story that you tell yourself is the one that you believe and it's the one that you act upon. If you tell yourself you are alone, you will be alone. Because as humans, we are naturally wired to search for evidence of what we believe to be true. So if you are sitting there telling yourself, I'm not resilient, you will act in ways in which you are not resilient. If you are convinced that you are alone, which is what I spent years telling myself, you will spend years developing a reputation as someone who never asks for help from people who genuinely want to help them. There is so much tied into this idea of mindset and mentality. And I think what happens is that as humans, and this may resonate with some people and it may not resonate with, with some people, is that it's actually kind of feels, pardon my language, fucking annoying that we have to save ourselves. Like at some point. I think sometimes we just want somebody to come in and make things a little bit easier, make things a little bit better. However, you will never create opportunities for people to bring light into your life if you perpetually keep yourself in intentional darkness. That's just the reality. The reality is that if you intentionally live in a metaphorical home where you have all of the blinds drawn and you have blackout curtains and you're cowering because you are absolutely convinced that if you step a single toe outside, if you do the work of saying, I'm going to go out there and try to take charge of my life, you will never know what sunshine awaits you. You have to do the work of owning your own life. People cannot save you. People cannot take care of things for you. But there are ways in which other people can bring light into your life, but only if you allow them in. And it all begins, though, with that story you tell yourself.

I love this so much because if I tie back to, you know, 27 years old not watching the news, making this change, one of the hardest, hardest listen if you don't understand what I'm saying, one of the hardest things that I had to realize in my own life list was true what you're saying. No one is coming to save me. No one. And when you come to that realization, as hard as it is, it makes you start making some very interesting decisions in your life based on the outcomes that you want to see. Okay, let's dive back in here. Positive and proactive attitude okay. As victors, we are characterized by our positivity and proactive nature. We don't wait for opportunities to come to us, we freaking create them. One of the things that I love about my day in, day out now is I'm creating opportunities. By the way, beyond your default Creating opportunities Sidekick Strategies Creating opportunities George B. Thomas, the speaker and MC Creating opportunities. Hiring the entire family so that they can start to learn job skills. Creating opportunities. Positive and proactive attitude. This is all about positive intent, by the way. All about being and having an optimistic mindset. It's all about getting out in front of the things in life that might knock you down and being able to bob and weave and pivot. And I'll talk about that later. This attitude drives us to pursue our goals with enthusiasm and determination, always looking for ways to advance and succeed versus shutting down and giving up. I need you listeners to think about the last time you shut down and gave up. Sit against a tree out in a field, feel the breeze on your face and think to yourself, if I would have chased it, if I would have been determined, if I would have said I can succeed, what would have that meant in your life? Now, I'm not saying to do that because you're looking backwards. I'm saying to do that because the next time that you feel like you want to shut down and give up, I want you to have that as a lever or a switch that you can pull and say, not this time. Gotta be solution oriented or have a solution oriented approach. Rather than dwelling on the problems which many of us have, many of those of us who have or want to have a victor's mindset focus on finding the dang solution. We must approach challenges with a mindset that asks the question, how can I overcome this? We must approach the challenges in our life with a mindset that asks the simple question, is it possible this approach keeps us moving forward and prevents stagnation. Liz, you have heard me probably say a billion times in our real life conversations and I know the listeners have heard it on this podcast, 1% better each and every day. This is My tie into always moving, always growing, having a solution oriented approach we have to have. And thank God we've already done a podcast episode on this. And growth mindset. It is so vital. Embracing a growth mindset is key to being a victor or having a victim mentality. If you need more on that growth mindset, check out episode 20 of our podcast. But this means believing that, and I might say this a couple times, for the people in the front row, the back row, this means that. Believing that skills and intelligence can be developed through hard work, dedication and persistence. Believing that skills and intelligence can be developed through hard work, dedication and persistence. It involves a commitment to lifelong learning and an openness to feedback and new experiences in life. Last thing I'm going to bring up here, which by the way, I feel like there could be like 12, but we're going to just 7. I love the number 7, but this one's important. I couldn't leave this one. Not in here. Adaptability and flexibility. The ability to adapt to changing circumstances and to be flexible in the face of new challenges is absolutely. I feel like I want to curse here, but I'm not going to. It's crucial. As victors or people with victors mentality, we understand that rigidity can be a barrier to our future success. We are willing to adjust our strategies and approaches as needed, demonstrating agility in both thought and action, mental and physical. This is why people like Dean Delisle, buddy of mine, by the way, nobody listening to this podcast. Well, maybe some people do know who Dean Delisle is, but this is why in the past called me a transition specialist. I'm always willing to pivot. Victors are always ready and willing to pivot to the thing that they know that they need to. They're living with a ability for adaptability and flexibility in their life. And Liz, you know me, I love a good Bruce Lee quote. When it comes to this adaptability and flexibility, Bruce Lee said it best. You must be shapeless, formless, like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup. When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can drip and it can crash. Become like water, my friend. If you are like water, you will fill and fit into what life happens. You will be able to pivot. You will be flexible. You will be able to adapt. A victor's mindset is all about fostering inner strength and positivity combined with a belief in one's own capacity to face and overcome life's challenges. It's a mindset emphasizing personal power, resilience and proactive stance. Essential. Just lean in a little bit and listen. Essential for personal fulfillment and professional success. Now, I don't talk a lot about profession or professional or what we do, but they are so tied together. If you're not doing great in what we 90% talk about, your professional life might suffer. But this mindset, this victor's mentality, is about personal power, resilience and a proactive stance in your life for personal fulfillment, personal joy, personal happiness, personal walk on this journey beyond your default.

So how do you tell the difference between moments where you're embracing a victim mentality and not taking control over your own life and moments where something has actually happened to you and you should be holding others accountable?

So when I think about that question, where I go is back to the beginning of our conversation. Am I being a victim? Meaning did something just happen and I am feeling all the feels? Yep, I'm being victimized. This sucks. How do I deal with it if I feeling the feels and I realized that it's predicated on past things, crap victim mentality is creeping in. Now what's interesting is in both scenarios we're probably going to feel the feels, which by the way is like a scary conversation for me to get into. But I would say that the indicator for me personally, which I think it might be different for each individual, is the past or the present. Is it happening in the present? And when I say present, I mean the right now or within the last 30, 60, 90 days? Hey, however long it takes you to get over stuff that's on you. However long it takes me to get over stuff that's on me, if I give a block, and I would suggest to the listeners, what's the block of time that you're going to give yourself the expectation that you would set, dare I say, of when and if not if, but probably when I have reached this area that I am a victim of something happening that shouldn't happen in life, this is the block that I'm going to give myself to work through it. And if it goes past that, then I'm going to start to put in practice some of the things that would help me understand if it's now become a victim mentality versus just the fact that I was a victim.

So when you have those moments where you are feeling those feelings of victimhood arising where you're viscerally reacting to something in the moment rather than thoughtfully responding or taking self responsibility or however you want to phrase it? How do you bring yourself back to center and bring yourself into a moment of Victor mentality? Because we're all humans, right? Sometimes those feelings can just take over. We've talked about it. Anger, fear, all of those different things, they can grab hold of the wheel and take us in directions we don't want to go if we're not careful. Are there questions you ask? Are there practices that you do?

Yeah, and so I want to answer that, but I also want to double down because I said we feel the feels. And I want everybody to, like, understand that because, man, I hid my feelings for a long time. I prescribe to the, you know, the man's guide to living on the world. Walk it off, buddy. Push it down. So you got to feel the feels and know that it's okay to, like, go through that process. Now when you have felt the feels and you're trying to recenter questions that you might ask yourself. And by the way, Liz, I think that in maybe the show notes or maybe it'll be the accompanying worksheet that we'll create, I'm going to give the main questions for the podcast episode, but know that there's, like, sub questions that you could ask that help you dig.

A little bit more deeply into each one.

Yeah. So I'll give you an example, then I'll just list out the rest. So are you focusing on blame Is like the big question. And so the micro questions that you might ask yourself are things like, do you often find yourself blaming others or external circumstances for challenges and unhappiness? By the way, when you get to this part of centering, you have to be real honest with yourself. It does no good to lie to yourself when you're trying to diagnose this stuff. Sub question number two on are you focusing on blame might be something like, when things go wrong, is it your first instinct to look for someone or something to blame? Right. Remember we talked about that, looking inner, only being able to change you. So are you focusing on blame? Another question might be, how do I view challenges in my life? What is your response to feedback when people are giving you constructive feedback, not toxic feedback? By the way, are you ruminating on past hurts or is this something that just happened in, like, a set time frame that you've allotted in your life? Do you feel in control of your life by the way you would be asking it in this, Do I feel in control of my life? You would be asking yourself that, how do I perceive myself in relationships to the others around me? Am I open to change or growth? Like, they're literally, you might say, nope, not right now. Like, I'm digging my heels in. But you only have that answer if you ask that question. And honestly, what is my outlook? What is your outlook on the future? Right. So if we start with those high level questions, and again, there's sub questions that you might develop for yourself, there's sub questions that we'll make sure to put in the show notes or the worksheet, but those at least top level ones for me will help me. Like, I have no other way to put this than to go. And typically, by the way, I'll give you my typical response. Yeah, George, you're being stupid. Can we just get back on track? Can we get back on track and realize, like, you are definitely falling prey to victim mentality. It's time to grab the sword, grab the shield, grab the breastplate, and head into victor mentality.

So how do you measure success? How do you know you're doing this?

Well, yeah, kind of want to tune in to another podcast for somebody to tell me the answer to this one, to be honest with you. Like, and I'm kind of waxing funny there, but I'm kind of not meaning when I saw this question, I was like, really, Liz? Like, I don't know if I figured this one out yet, but then I realized that we've been completely transparent with our audience of like, we are having these conversations in a manner of that with many of these things, we are probably going through it ourselves.

Just a scotch. I may or may not be taking copious notes.

We're fine, right? Like, I might listen back to these and be like, what did I say? What did I say? But here's the deal. We're only human, right? Sometimes we're going to be reactive. Perfection cannot be the bar to measuring success. And perfection isn't reality. So first of all, you have to. And I think maybe the reason I had a hard time with this is because I think for everybody it's going to be a little bit different. And I think you're going to have to figure out what is your success metric. For me, I can tell you it's as simple as this. And again, there are some exercises you could do to help keep you out of victim mentality and in victor mentality. So like setting and achieving small goals, affirmations and positive talk. We've had a podcast on that gratitude journaling. And here's where I'm going to go with this. If you journal one of the things you could keep track of is on a daily basis. Did you feel like you filled that day with a Victor mentality or a victim mentality? And for me, success would look like more days with Victor mentality, less days with victim mentality that would equal success. Reframing negative thoughts, building a support network like these, like exercises. And in each of those exercises that you could do, each of those things you could put in place, you could literally measure. Have I created a support network? Success. Sweet. Do I live in negative thoughts or positive intent? More positive success. So, right, you can kind of break it down to that framework and then measure the yes or nos, the zeros or ones of those days. That's how I think the listeners should grab that and start to mold their own success metric. But as I say that, Liz, in the future, I think it would be really interesting for us to, to put our brain together and build some type of Victor mentality success metric thing. But I don't know what that would look like. It would have to be flexible, obviously.

I don't know. I like what you're saying here though, of like, there has to be some give, right? Like we're only human, we're not going to be perfect all the time. But what I will also say though is that you can look at yourself in the mirror and you know, whether or not you're shirking responsibility, you know deep down in, in your core, whether or not that margin of error that exists for all humans, all imperfect humans who are not always going to make the right choices in the moment, especially when you're angry or fearful or something comes out of left field that genuinely kind of knocks you off your status quo. Like, I get that. But I think we can all have those moments where we deep down know in our gut whether or not we are just wishing for someone to fix things for us. I think we know that.

Honesty, when I hear you say that, like I have to double down or you know, double tap, click, whatever, self honesty.

So have you seen a difference in your life when you've made purposeful strides towards choosing the role of Victor rather than victim? Like, what is that manifested as?

Listen, when I was in victim mentality, multiple jobs, multiple girlfriends, multiple directions, sporadic, chaotic. I was the ball in a pinball machine. No strategy, just being bounced around. Now when I started to change to Victor mentality, been married for, you know, 24 years, known for 26, you know, been in the same air quotes occupation for over 11, almost 12 years now, the jobs that I held for the most part were like five years at a time. Which by the way, in the marketing space is almost unheard of. If you go look at the the stats for how much marketers bounce around in agency life. And so it's an extended ability to do things that you need to do and want to do in the places and spaces that you have to do them. It's a 1% up into the right growth metric versus and it's more top of the hills, less bottom of the valleys, right? Like, it's just so different. The perspective and the positivity and the power that you have on one side of this versus the small, unachievable, eke out an existence, lack of possibilities on the other side is just mind blowing. Like mind blowing to me.

If you could leave our listeners with one challenge or a question they should be asking themselves right now, if this is an area in which they want to improve, what would it be?

Yeah. So let me lead off with saying the reason I create this podcast and the reason I do every episode with Liz is because, listeners, you need to realize that I love you, I believe in you, and I can't wait to see what you do in this world. With that said, I have to ask you a question. Are you in an abusive relationship with yourself? Do you need to break up with your victim so that you can be a victor in the future? Listen. Go listen to episode 16 and episode 12. Ownership, mentality and the power of the language you use to shape your destiny. If you have not listened to those two episodes and that question that I asked you, are you in an abusive relationship with yourself? Hit. You have to go listen to those two episodes. Listeners, you have to abandon the idea that you will forever be the victim. By the way, this is not my words, this is another quote. But listeners, you have to abandon the idea that you'll forever be the victim of the things that have happened to you. Choose to be a victor. Seth Adam Smith. By the way, choose to be a victor. Choose to design your life. Choose to live a life beyond your default. And I hope that this episode is a small light at the end of the tunnel to get you heading towards your best and your best life ever.