#104 | Why Learning to Trust Intuition Gives LGBTQ Parents & Allies the Courage to Support with Clarity

Welcome back to Just Breathe. I am so happy you are here. I am happy to be here myself. It is for many of us that time of the year, the transitional time of the year, when we, we get the kids back to school. And even though I have one who has graduated— Connor graduated in May, as you all know, and Isabel in college— we got her moved into her college house last weekend, which was, oh my goodness, quite an experience. And then Rowan and Grace back into high school this week. And it's still that energetic shift in the house is so just crazy to me. And in years past, I've really pushed myself through it and just wanted to be all the things and do all the things and what we what we do as moms and as parents, um, especially this time of year. And, um, although I am incredibly grateful that I have no curriculum nights to go to, finally, there's still a lot of stuff. And, and again, a lot of it is around the energy shift in the house. And I'm telling you, even the dogs feel it. They're totally off. I think a lot of it is, you know, we went from having all of us home, all 6 of us were here. Connor was visiting. To now they're just hanging out with me, which, you know, they love me, I love them, but they're like, what is, what is going on? So I think that today's guest is really, really great timing because we are talking about your intuition and listening to your inner voice and honoring what is going on inside and really listening to that, listening to what you're hearing and tuning into what you're feeling and all of the things that you can learn from that and do with that. So I am really, really thrilled to bring you Heather Hester, who I met through a coaching group that we are both part of and have just really, really enjoyed getting to know her. And she speaks the language of things that I am so interested in and want to learn more about. And she just has a really, really lovely and interesting journey and background to how she got to where she is. She is really talented in making people feel safe to listen and to follow their own intuitive knowing. She has some really, really great, uh, ways that she either asks questions or brings you through different exercises. But for more than 15 years, she has been gently and compassionately guiding people to a deeper understanding of who they are and what they are capable of creating in their lives. So I am grateful to be able to bring this conversation to you. And without further ado, here is Heather Hester.

Welcome to Just Breathe Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen, the podcast transforming transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child. My name is Heather Hester, and I am so grateful you are here. I want you to take a deep breath and know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the Just Breathe Nest. Whether today's show is an amazing guest or me sharing stories resources, strategies, or lessons I've learned along our journey. I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop having a cozy chat. Most of all, I want you to remember that wherever you are on this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.

Welcome back everyone to Just Breathe Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen. I am so happy you are all here today and I am really, really happy for you to be here for this conversation with Heather Hester. This is a different conversation than we've had in recent months, and I am really excited because I know so many of you are going to connect with this and just really learn so much with, from what Heather has to, to teach us and share with us. So Heather, welcome. Thank you for being here.

Thank you so much. I'm so excited to have this conversation.

So Heather and I met through a group that we're in together, a business group, learning how to be more organized and intentional and all these lovely things. And I think it's always fun to how we cross paths and connect all the dots of how we know people. And that's always so fascinating to me because I think that a lot of it is we are all meant to cross paths in some way. So I'm very delighted. And of course, I'm always delighted to meet somebody who is a Heather because there's not a lot of us out there. So it's just like meant to be.

I'm telling you, rare, rare breed.

We are, we are. So I would love to know, we'll just kind of start, you know, with really broad and basic, but I'd love to know how you got into this work of working with intuition and you are the unconventional intuitive. So I'd love to know more about, you know, how you realized that you have this gift and are doing this work with others.

So people are always curious about that because like, how, how would you land here? Right. And the short version of the story is that I realized when my kids were small at school pickup, as I'm trying to make small talk with the other moms, that I'm having these conversations that no one else is having. I'm telling people things like, you you really have a gift.

There's something about you.

You're really good in this situation. You make people feel this way. And way too deep for school pickup. Nobody else is talking about this. I'm giving them all of these ideas for how businesses they could start and all kinds of things. And I just got curious, what is it that I'm seeing? Like, what is happening? And somehow that led me to an intuitive development circle, which was a mediumship development circle. And I sat down in that circle and I was so happy. It was like I could relax. We just meditated and you talked about whatever was popping into your mind. And somehow the things that were just appearing in your mind, which seemed like nonsense or nothing, were meaningful to somebody else in the group. It was just the most spectacular experience. I loved it so much. So I went back every week for about 2 and a half years.

Oh my goodness. That is awesome.

Wow.

And I'm sure in that you really began to be able to kind of trust what you were hearing more, right?

Exactly.

Exactly.

Yeah.

So I'm wondering if you could, because there is that trust factor and there is that, like, I know many people are like, I don't know if it is, is it my intuition? Is it fear? Is it, how do I know that it's my intuition speaking to me? And how do I kind of tell the difference between just that noise, right? Like the negative self-talk, like berating us, right? And, or, or giving negative messages that are fear messages and our intuition.

It's such a big question. And, and there's two things I'll say. One is you want to think about your intuition almost like a bodily function. You're not, it's not that you have intuition, it's that you're intuiting. Like your heart is beating and your lungs are breathing, your body is intuiting. It's happening all the time. And starting to learn how to pay attention to that makes it easier in those crunch times of big decisions when there's a lot of fear. Otherwise, you're going up and you're saying, you know, tell me what I should do. And your intuition is speaking a language that you hardly know how to speak. Right?

Yes.

So beginning to sort of build a relationship, build an understanding, taking time to ask your body questions, and, and it really will speak to you. You can really ask your body, like, you know, what do I want right now? And just pay attention to what happens.

You know, it's—

something will occur to you, some feeling will happen. So opening up that dialogue is number one. Number two is Even if your intuition is telling you that you should be afraid or that you should take action, it is going to do it in a way that is not fearmongering. It's not going to tell you, you suck, and that's why you shouldn't do this. That's not the voice of your intuition. Your intuition is lower. It's in your body. It's in your senses. It's not coming from your mind. The mind chatter that's, that's, you know, the, the pros and cons, the 'this is how it's going to work.' It's a more of a just a present sense in your body, a constant sense. And you know this if you think about a decision that you made that didn't really make sense. Like, I know I— it made the most sense to say yes to that job or to, to go on that trip or do that thing, but something in me just didn't— it just didn't sit right with me, and so I didn't do it. That's your intuition.

Yeah. Oh my goodness. I mean, I have almost an exact example of that where I— when I first started tapping into this, and it, you know, kind of coincidentally happened to be at the same time that a lot of the things were happening with Connor. So there was— I was getting a lot of information that I wasn't aware, you know, I wasn't sure what it meant, right? But I was feeling it. And I love that you said that if you feel it in your body, because that's where I was feeling it. It was like, like feeling it, you know, in my, in my chest and my stomach and my, like, it was just in here and I couldn't articulate what it was. But I was supposed to go on a 50th birthday trip with girlfriends. And I had this just feeling like I could not go. I was not meant to go and I could not articulate why. And then I soon, you know, there soon found out why with things that were going on with my son. But that was the, like, I needed to be here. And my intuition, my body was like, I'm going to make you feel all kinds of uncomfortable.

That's the perfect example. And it's really easy to get spun out and to worry, like, well, what does this mean? All the things. And people think that your intuition should give you this, like, full dialogue or set of instructions. It really rarely works like that. It's really just this sense of, I need to stay home, I need to not go. Right. And, and with your kids especially, this is really significant because there's so much, you know, mom guilt, what will people think, all of those things all the time, from breastfeeding to formula feeding, like every decision as a parent, right? And then you get into some of this bigger stuff and, and it's even more fraught. And that sort of push and pull between your inside voice and the fearful voice of all the other things. Is this safe for my kid? Will they be okay? The voice of your intuition is in your body. Trust that.

So how do you really— what can we do to better listen to that voice, to really hone or kind of dial into that voice? It's clearly a matter of being more and more aware, but are there things that we can do just so it becomes kind of that, like, almost a conversation more than like, you know, I kind of liken it to like, at that point, kind of my first like major experience that I really talk about was like, I was being hit over the head by the time that I was like, okay, I'm listening, you know, but you know, so we don't get to that point. And right, and just because I think there are so many, I'm guessing, messages that we perhaps miss, or I'll let you, I'll let you answer that because I'm just, I'm intrigued.

So it runs counter to our culture and counter to how we're taught to be. It is, it is a measure of stillness. And it doesn't mean that you need to become a Zen Buddhist, but it means that you begin to develop an awareness that these thoughts in your head are thoughts in your head. They are not something that need a conversation, need you to judge, decide good or bad. They are energetic impulses that are happening that are creating these words inside of your awareness.

Right.

Right?

So developing this sort of gap between who you are and the thoughts in your head and how you're feeling in your body and what that means about who you are, what kind of a parent you are, what kind of a person you are, because that's not the meaning, that's not your intuition, that's just, that's just your body reacting to everything around you. And the more you go into this, the more you realize that part of what you're reacting to is so much more than you. Yesterday, for example, was yet again another mass shooting. And all day I had planned this full day, but I was like completely out of it, exhausted, couldn't put my thoughts together, just felt really slowed down. And I said, okay, so today is just a day. I'm just gonna move slow. I'm just gonna honor that this is how I'm feeling. I'm just gonna choose the things that feel the most most aligned with this energy, and I'm just gonna do those today, and that's gonna be that. And then come to find out there was this mass shooting. And this is what happens to me on those days. The energy is so incoherent, scattered, fearful, angry, upset, all the things that my body responds that way. And I guarantee that everyone has some sort of response physiologically to these big occurrences, and there's science that backs it up. And we're not taught that. We judge it. What's wrong with me? I'm not sleeping enough. I'm not eating right. I did it to myself again. And then we, we lose the whole point of sort of what this is saying.

This is saying you need to slow down. You need to take care.

I love that. So it is really, I mean, what we're looking at is really disconnected. I mean, and that's just kind of the way that we have been. That's our society. That is today's world, right? We all are. And so it's a matter of really reconnecting and in whatever way works for you, right?

Yeah.

Um, and I think, you know, for many people, even starting with that little, whatever it is that can get yourself still and quiet. Yeah. And that doesn't necessarily mean like physically still. It could be, you know, whether it's out working in your garden or walking alone or doing something that is like still, meaning like away from, right, exterior. Is that kind of—

Exactly, exactly. And bringing in awareness. Today I'm really tired.

Today I'm really frantic. My brain is really just moving so quickly today.

And accepting that, acknowledging that, okay. Because, I mean, that's what I— that's what we learned how to practice in that intuitive development circle. What's showing up that's not going away?

Share that thing.

My first intuitive development circle, I had no idea what that meant. She just said, okay, we're going to open up the circle, just share what you're getting. And people were saying all these things. My mind was blown. And I kept having this image in my mind, and it's just your mind's eye. If I say to you, imagine an elephant, more than likely some image of an elephant will pop into your head, right? It's like that. It's like you're making it up. And I saw this fireman's helmet hanging on the wall and a fireman's coat hanging underneath it, and, and it kept coming into my mind. So I said, okay, I'm gonna pay attention to that. She said, pay attention to what keeps showing up. Okay. Let me pay attention to that. And kind of like I'm redirecting the camera, I'm going back to that. And then I'm waiting to see, does anything else happen? And when I said in the circle, okay, I've got this fireman's hat and a fireman's coat and a couple of things that had come to me. And this woman in the circle said, oh, that's my husband. That's my husband. He's a fireman and he's bald. I was seeing the back of a head that was bald. He's bald. Oh yeah. How is that possible?

Right?

How is that possible? But that's what's happening all the time. And when you slow down and get still, you start to recognize what's showing up, what's showing up, what kind of bubbles up to the surface.

And that can be uncomfortable too, right? Which is why I'm sure we have gotten to the place as humans where the second anything starts to feel uncomfortable, we either ignore it or like push it away or get busy doing something else, or right, like whatever our subconscious coping mechanism is for that. So it's kind of layered.

It is. It is. And what happens is that we judge it instead of being curious about it and saying, okay, what could this be? Because I might be feeling uncomfortable because something happened at my neighbor's house, or, you know, something's going on politically. Who knows? Who knows what it could be? And it may just pass through. It may be my intuition telling me, you know, something just isn't quite settled somewhere. Take a— take a closer look somewhere. But because we judge it— there's something wrong with me because I'm feeling bad— yeah, then we lose track of it, right?

Right. Because that judgment just mucks it all up.

Not helpful.

Not helpful at all. So one of the things, and I know we have a mutual friend that we both work with, and she has talked about this a number of times, and I, you talk about it too on your, your website, and I'm really, really curious about what it is, which are the heartstone walks. And I have a feeling this kind of works into this whole idea that we're talking about here. So I was wondering if you could tell us a little more about that.

So teaching people about their intuition and watching for signs and opening up their awareness, people will very often say to me, so I saw this license plate and it said, just do it. So what does that mean? You know, and so they really feel like their intuition is telling them you need to do X, Y, and Z. And, and this is really more about that conversation. And what I found through my process of opening up and learning how to listen is that I call it the universe. Some people call it God or spirit or life force energy, that this something that is, you know, working with us, communicating with us, giving information to our intuition really works more in nudges, more in nudges. You know, you, you should stay home. You, you feel better when you think about staying home than when you do when you're going on that trip. And I started paying attention to asking for signs, and one of the signs that I would ask for was these heart rocks. And I noticed when I would take my dog out for a walk in the woods that the days when I was kind of present, clear, feeling good. They were everywhere. The days when I was in my head, caught up, stressed out, beating myself up— none for miles. Couldn't find one to save my life. And so I started to do this experiment of experimenting with where I put my attention, how I would breathe, what I would feel. And I started to be able to sort of produce them on my walks by managing my energy. It became this really fun experiment between me and the universe. And so that's what I teach people on these Heart Rock walks, that we go out into nature and we really feel the difference between what do I want and what do I desire. What I want is really in my head. What I desire is much more in my body. And when I think about what do I desire, and I ask my body, what do I desire, there's a whole different feeling. And then we ask, okay, we're gonna walk with our desire, we're gonna notice what we notice, just open up our senses, that whole forest bathing. What do you see without identifying what you see? What do you hear without identifying what you hear? And we're asking the universe to work with us and, and give us heart rocks. And I am telling you, we walk out of the woods and people are like, there's one, there's one, there's one! The whole path There's a heart. Oh my gosh, it's so fun.

I love that. Oh my gosh, that is really cool. And what a great way to kind of connect that, right? I mean, it's like a little positive feedback, right? You're like, oh wait, this is what this is.

This is awesome.

Mhm.

Yeah.

Oh, that's really, really cool. Okay, thank you. I'd been curious and I had a feeling, but I was like, oh, I have to ask her this. Because I just really want to know exactly what it is.

I'll have to try that. Yeah.

Yeah.

And I have a funny coincidence story with my heart rocks because I— you've heard of Mel Robbins, right?

Mm-hmm.

The blonde woman with the black— like, she's such a hot ticket. And I don't think I've read any of her books, or— but sometimes she just sort of appears in my life. Someone will mention her and then she'll be all over my social media feed, or I'll get one of those kinds of things, right? And the first time I ever listened to her podcast, I was at the gym, and she started talking about how she teaches people to look for hearts in nature. And I was, oh my gosh, we have something in common. And I looked down on the floor, and no lie, there was a little— it was like ripped paper heart right on the floor by where I— yeah.

Oh, okay.

That's the way it works. That's the way it works when you're all lined up. All of a sudden, yeah, just—

I mean, that's so cool. See, and this is available to all of us, which I think is also something that is a misnomer. People, I think, think that being able to understand your intuition or even and tap into it is something that only some people can do. Not everybody's able to do that. So exactly, just knowing that is available to you and that you do— I think there's such a part of, you know, being connected to your whole body, um, and really being so aware is something that we were never taught to do, right? Like, there's such a disconnect. So it does take some effort and some work, but not work in like a— I don't like to use the word work because I think that scares people, but it takes, you know, some like trying and some experimenting.

And so exactly right.

So exactly, just like you would do yoga or whatever your favorite exercises.

Yeah, yeah.

I was listening to a sort of business podcast. I don't remember who was on there, but these big deal business guys. And the person who was being interviewed said that what he does when he's really stuck is he just asks himself, how could this be easy? And then, and then he just sort of waits for things to come to him. And how could this be easy? These open-ended questions are game changers. When you open it up, you are inviting the universe to give you signs, to give you insight. You're saying, okay, I've been working this one and it's— and it's not working, right? How can it be easy, right? In my marriage, I mean, I've been married for almost 30 years, so, you know, you go in ups and downs, right?

Absolutely, yes.

And I remember looking at my husband and thinking, you know what I want more than anything is I want to look at this man and think that, you know, this— I am so lucky to be married to this person. I know in my heart that I am, and I know in my head that like he's fabulous, but I don't always feel that. I want to feel that. And so I just asked that question, how can I feel that feeling that this is the person, this is my person. And I would start to notice little things. He does this thing that's so lovely. Look at him, what a great guy. Oh, so if anything, if anything, start asking open-ended questions. Start asking for answers that help solve your problems, and then pay attention to your whole body for the answers. Don't just listen in your head, pay attention in your whole body for the answer.

Right, right. Because the, the head will try to overcompensate and make a lot of noise. And I had a friend say to me the other day, uh, she's a coach, and she was like, just because you think it doesn't make it true. And I was like, good for us all to remember that, right? Like, these thoughts, just because they're in there doesn't mean it's accurate. It's just a lot of times noise or, you know, things that we're soaking in from the outside that are, it's just processing through and isn't even ours, right? It's just making its way through. So it's a good thing to just remember along the way and, and to, you know, again, I think the, one of the bigger pieces is just that ability to slow down for a moment and like, come into your body.

Exactly.

Really just, and to, you know, to, to breathe and do that breathing, which talk about all the time, that is so very important and allows us to get out of our heads and into our bodies. Right. Yeah. Bring the nervous system down and bring the cortisol down, all the stuff.

It's so huge.

So huge. So you are starting something new this year. Or you've been working on it for a little bit, but I know it's something that you're really wanting to kind of kick off and move into more, which is your Energy Lab. So I'm wondering if you could share that a little bit with us.

I am so excited about the Energy Lab. I have been teaching intuitive development and a number of different things for a long, long time, and it kind of all occurred to me last year that what we're doing is energy experiments. We're experimenting with our energy, and that's what a heart rock walk is— experimenting with your energy. And so my energy lab is a series of different talks and teaching this system of experimenting with energy. I'm starting a Facebook group where we're gonna be running experiments, and everyone's welcome to join us there. And I'm gonna be leading talks. I did one for a a local business a few weeks ago. And so the Energy Lab is sharing this information and this science and then teaching people to look at the situations in their life almost like they're— I have this hypothesis. I have this hypothesis that, you know, my kid isn't safe. How can— what can I do to change that feeling? What can I do to, to to find out if that's true. How can I— how can I experiment with this rather than just sitting in worry? How can I experiment with my energy and then notice what happens? Notice if it changes. And, and I know from my own life, I know from my clients, that really powerful things can happen when you, when you do this work. Really powerful changes can happen.

That is awesome. Okay, so in order to be part of this, people need to go to your Facebook page. Go to— where can, where can people learn more about this? Because I think this is such awesome work.

I'm so excited for it. So, yeah, go to the Facebook group.

Okay.

And, and join there. I'm going— I'm starting here. I'm in Boston, so I'm doing talks here and sort of spreading out from there. This fall my daughter's gonna be headed off to college. I have two kids and my daughter's my second and she's headed off to college. So I'm— I am ready to take this show on the road. And, and really, I just really want to bring this out to people. And but start at the Facebook group, start there. We'll be leading experiments, we'll be talking about it, and it's really kind of just this practice of awareness and this practice of training yourself to take a different look, to unplug from what your brain is telling you this means and to be present for what's possible.

Right. Which is so, so important. Now, one, just one other quick question about that is, will you do virtual talks?

I am guessing that I will. And right now the Energy Lab is going to be in person.

Okay.

Because the experiments that we're doing are sort of in-person experiments. And as it gets going, I'm pretty certain that it's going to evolve into an online experience also. But yeah.

Okay. I just thought I would ask because I'm sure people are wondering. Okay. That's awesome. Well, I will definitely have all of your Facebook information in the show notes and and all of that good stuff.

Yeah, and you also have, I think, a link to my— some practices for developing your intuition. Yeah, and so people get on there, then they can get on my, my email list, and, and there'll be announcements, updates on the Energy Lab in there also.

Yes, yes, I actually highly recommend that because I did get— when you go on to Heather Hester's website, you can get a It's right at the beginning, just you get a download and it's awesome. It's like a 10-page download and it's really, really good, just simple exercises. So if nothing else, I highly recommend that. But yes, that's the perfect way to then you'll just get updates as you move this along, which is very exciting. Great. So we were talking a little bit before we started about just kind of closing today with a little bit of a meditation that you, that had come to you right before we were to start, and I thought that would be a lovely way to, to end our time together today. So I'm going to let you take it from here, and I'm just so grateful that you are with us today.

I am so delighted that I know you, that you are a part of my world, that you are doing the work that you're doing. Uh, it is so valuable, and I just see this podcast and you as this sort of radio signal of love. And it's really powerful and important. And I'm grateful to be here and to be a part of it.

Thank you. That's really kind.

So right before we started talking, this meditation did come to me. And I'm going to invite everybody to take some nice deep breaths. And if you are someplace where you can be still and quiet, Be still and quiet. If you are listening to this and you are walking, you can just let your imagination do this while you are being safe on your walk.

As you are driving, obviously don't close your eyes and go too deep, but if you are in some place where you can allow yourself to do this, we're going to walk into fear in a way that feels safe Most important that you always go only so far that you feel safe, and we're going to find out how to ground ourselves and ask for help there in a very beautiful way. So keep breathing, keep relaxing, and allow yourself to imagine that you can see your feet on the ground, and where you are is headed into the woods. These are woods where you feel comfortable and safe. These are woods that feel known to you. You know this path. You begin to walk into these woods, beginning to feel yourself enveloped by the trees, and the plants, beginning to walk away from your busy day, your busy life. And as you walk, you begin to think of something that's on your mind fairly frequently, something that you worry about, that you hold fear around. And as you walk, that fear is present with you. Just notice it. It's along for the walk. Allow it to be. And as you walk through the woods, you notice that it's getting a bit darker as the trees are closing in, as the brush is more and more dense. And you know, at the end of this trail, which you are approaching, there is a great big rock, and on the other side of the rock is a cliff with a lake down below, and it's a beautiful place. Stunningly beautiful, but it feels somewhat scary to be at the top of that rock. And so you're taking care of yourself, and as you approach that rock, you get as close as you can while feeling safe.

Find that place as close or as far from the edge as you wish to be.

And you may wish to sit down right on the ground, or even lay down and be fully in contact with the earth.

And notice what happens when you place your attention on the earth.

Those feelings of fear and worry may shift. Something may change. And what happens when we hold fear and worry is we start to argue with it and blame ourselves and we tend to get deeper and deeper into the fear and into the worry and lose sight of other possibilities. And that may well happen here, but you know that on the other side of this rock is this beautiful view, this experience that's exhilarating to be able to look down on the water and to see the sky and the trees from this viewpoint. And you want to have that too. So let's ask the question: How is it possible for me to be afraid and for me also to feel exhilaration, success, courage. And I want you to ask for help. What can help me? And something may have occurred to you immediately. Your intuition is fast. And if you're scrambling to try and make sense of something, I want to invite you to ask the trees for help. I want to invite you to feel their groundedness, feel their rootedness, feel their support. And there's one last thing that you're going to do here. In this place of beauty, of possibility, and of fear, you're going to take out of your bag a pen and a paper, and you're going to write a note to the universe asking for help with this fear. Help me see a bigger picture. Help me find courage and faith. Help me understand where and when I am safe. Help me feel guided and trust in myself. And any other words that you wish to ask, write them in your letter now. And when you are done, you're going to fold up that letter into a paper airplane, and you are going to send it sailing right up and over that rock, out into that beautiful sky. And it's going to be carried away by the winds and taken to the place where your answers are, connecting you to that place. Whenever you are ready, You can take a few deep breaths, stand up, and you can walk yourself back right out of those woods, right back into your day, back into here and now.

That was wonderful. Thank you so, so much. And thank you so much for being here.

You are so welcome. It was my pleasure.

Thanks so much for joining me today. If you enjoyed today's episode, I would be so grateful for a rating or a review. Click on the link in the show notes or go to my website, chrysalismama.com, to stay up to date on my latest resources as well as to learn how you can work with me. Please share this podcast with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone, and remember to just breathe. Until next time.