#111 | 6 Courageous Ways LGBTQ Parents & Allies Can Handle Non-Affirming Family During the Holidays

Welcome to Just Breathe Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child. My name is Heather Hester, and I am so grateful you are here. I want you to take a deep breath and know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the Just Breathe nest. Whether today's show is an amazing guest, or me sharing stories, resources, strategies, or lessons I've learned along our journey, I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop having a cozy chat. Most of all, I want you to remember that that wherever you are on this journey, right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.

Welcome back! I am so glad that you are here, especially during this very busy time of year where I know we all feel like we're going in a million different directions, which is why I really chose today's topic, which is how to handle non-affirming folks and other crises during the holidays. This is something that I have talked about from the beginning on the show from time to time, and I just feel like it's really good to revisit so that we can be reminded of the different tools that we have available and strategies that we have available, but most of all, to remember that this time of year is about really enjoying being with the people we love and the people, you know, our people, whoever that may be. And all the other stuff is just, is either extra or stuff that we need to put boundaries around. So this is just my gentle reminder and my big hug to all of you for the holiday season. And as you may or may not remember, I do love this time of year. It has always been my favorite from the time that the little, you know, the kids were little. And now with Connor and Isabel away from home at college, it is even more wonderful as they come home and Grace and Rowan are so excited to see them. And we are all excited to be together again and the dogs are nuts and It's just this beautiful chaos that occurs. And over time, there are the traditions that they love. They each have their favorite thing, whether it's something that I bake or some activity that we all do together or watching our favorite movies over and over and over again. And it's just this It's magical, right? It's magical. And really, whatever your belief system is, whatever you celebrate, the energy of this time of year is incredible, right? It's inviting, it's warm, it's frenetic, it's insane, and it's miraculous. Unfortunately, crisis situations do not take a break for the calendar or the seasons or anything, really, and neither do the strong opinions of others. In fact, one might argue that differences are more likely to reach a boiling point during the holidays with the mix of all of the togetherness and a touch of that frenetic holiday energy. So what can we do when we find ourselves in tough situations, including conversations with non-affirming family and friends during the holidays? Like so much that I've talked about, being in crisis can feel so very lonely. Even if a good friend or family member or neighbor is going through their own rough spot, or they try to empathize with you, empathize with you, when you're in the midst of turmoil, your feelings tend to be overwhelm and fear. And that no one can possibly understand your situation. You may be having a hard time processing or even searching for solutions because your brain and your emotions are completely on overload. So let's start there. Actually, let's start with the way we usually end the podcast: with a breath. Go ahead, take that deep belly breath right now as you are listening. I'll wait. Okay. Now your nervous system is in a calmer state. I just listened to this webinar where a gal named Kelly Lubeck was on, and she was talking about the science behind why breath and meditation are so important for the health of your nervous system. And I've actually linked her in the show notes. So check her out if you're interested in knowing why this actually works for your body and not just that it does work for your body. So we're going to start with word choice. Word choice is a big deal. For instance, the subtle distinction in the meanings of the words handle, cope with, manage, deal with, respond to, and approach make a difference in reading, processing, and presenting this topic. It boils down to the relationship you have with the person or the people with whom you are communicating, right? Certain words and phrases capture certain instances more accurately. The phrase non-affirming tends to relate to those who do not affirm based on religious beliefs. The word "unsupportive" is used to describe those who have feelings of opposition to their LGBTQ+ child, friend, or community based on bias, ignorance, or beliefs that are not religious in origin. So how do we cope with, manage, and respond to non-affirming or unsupportive folks with a spirit of grace, patience, and education while also maintaining protective boundaries and empowering our kids? The answer is carefully, very carefully. We need to be clear on what we hope to accomplish by engaging in a conversation around this topic. To access this clarity, we need to have educational points of reference Beyond our intuition and unconditional love, we also need to have a strong sense of boundaries. Having a few responses ready to go that are your own special blend of grace, patience, and education are really helpful. Here are a couple of broad topics just to help get you going. The first one is time. It takes everyone time to adjust to the change in their movie reel. As you know, so many factors go into this. Some people just need a minute to process the information. Number 2, facts. Knowledge is not only power, it is calming, it's centering, and it is confidence-infusing. Have the basic facts down that are specific specific to your child for where they are in their journey right now. This is important, right? This is important to remember that their journey is evolving. Your journey is evolving, but having those basic facts that are specific to them is super helpful. And then begin to expand your knowledge from there. The resource section of my website is a great place to start, as well as my new book, The Language of LGBTQIA+. Number 3, boundaries. Setting and clarifying your boundaries works wonders in allowing you to stay connected to your truth. Teach your child how to do this as well. It is an invaluable life skill. So holiday gatherings are a favorite time to come out to friends and relatives. So what do you do when your child comes out and faces a non-affirming or an unsupportive response? Boundaries can be a little more difficult with a family, family member or friend, and those who are strongly anti-LGBTQ tend to approach this topic with a lot of fire. So how do we prepare for this? What do we do? First of all, like we just talked about, know those facts. Know your facts. Stay calm and breathe. If you do not have an answer to a specific question, don't panic. It's okay. Take a breath. Offer to share the resources that have helped you. I have handled this in the past by saying that I know to the core of my being that God created Connor to be exactly who he is, and I'm happy to share research that supports that feeling. Another powerful response is, anyone who thinks that being LGBTQ+ is a choice has clearly never known or supported someone through the coming out process. No one chooses that. The complete opposite situation is also possible here. Where your child knows there are non-affirming or unsupportive people at one or more of your holiday gatherings and they just don't want to go. Honor that. Honor that. I know it can be hard when there are expectations of others at play. This is one of those moments where that pause and a breath can give you so much clarity. What is more important? Aunt Susie's feelings or that your child knows that you have their back no matter what? A while back, I came across a blog written by Nathaniel Totten Green that absolutely blew me away. I'm gonna share a couple of summarized excerpts with you from this letter that he wrote to his non-affirming friends because it is just beautiful. His writing is beautiful. So I, I actually linking his blog in the show notes. Take a moment and read it. It's extraordinary. But he takes— I have 3 of the 4 points that he makes, and he takes 3 of these 4 common comments or justifications that those who are non-affirming use, and he explains why they are incorrect and what would be a more thoughtful way of addressing. The first one is "love the sinner, hate the sin." This one essentially divides a person into two parts: the person and the quote-unquote behavior, right? However, just as those who are straight do not exist without their sexuality, neither does one who is LGBTQ+. The difference is one is societally normative and the other isn't. So which part is hated? Number 2: "I love you, but I disagree." This one has the same feeling as "No offense, but..." What follows is almost always offensive, right? Adding a qualifier does not make it otherwise. We know that you disagree ethically, morally, philosophically, and otherwise, But who our kids inherently are is not something that can simply be disagreed with. Love is not unconditional if it has to be qualified. Number 3: The Bible "clearly" says. First of all, no, it doesn't. Second, there is not one singular interpretation. And third, even if the Bible specifically condemned homosexuality, which it doesn't, it does actually condone slavery, selling our daughters, killing those who work on the Sabbath, and promotes the inferiority of women, all of which we have as a society rejected as inhumane, morally wrong, and just plain incorrect. A belief system should not be based on cherry-picking. Finally, how do we respond to a homophobic family member, friend, or community? We all know at least one person who has some form of prejudice or bias. Remember, we cannot change the way others think or feel. We can only change how we respond to them and set boundaries. You absolutely do not need to, and I kind of want to say should not, sit silently when someone says hurtful things or makes homophobic remarks. Educate yourself so that you can respond with facts, statistics, logic. Remind yourself that homophobia is based on a lack of knowledge and fear. Have realistic expectations of what you would like the outcome of any conversation to be, and remember that shifts take time. Most of all, make it clear that their remarks are not okay. The most important thing you can do is have your child's back. For all of our LGBTQ+ loves specifically, Someone else's homophobia is not your problem or your fault. I want you to repeat that in your head: This is not my issue. This is theirs. It is okay to remain hopeful that time will help shift the homophobic person's attitude. Remember, homophobia is generally a lack of education. And just plain fear rearing its ugly head. Absolutely stand up for yourself if you feel comfortable doing so. And most of all, remember that you are not alone and that you are loved. Finally, find support in the form of therapy, support groups for LGBTQ+ people, or online in places like The Trevor Project. I want to close with a few tips and suggestions that will help support you through holiday crises and run-ins with non-affirming folks alike. One, take time to be present with all of your children. It is easy to become mentally, emotionally, and physically consumed by the one who is struggling the most. The others need your attention just as much. If they wanna make gingerbread houses from scratch, make those gingerbread houses and allow yourself to enjoy the process and the hilarity that literally no human outside of Martha Stewart can make a picture-worthy gingerbread house that has any structural integrity. The point here is to spend time and spend time laughing together. Number 2, Equally as important, take time to be with your spouse or partner, not discussing the crisis at hand. Get out of the house, go for dinner or coffee or a glass of wine and just talk and enjoy being with one another. I really cannot emphasize the importance of this one enough. Communicate, appreciate, and love each other. Number 3: spend time with your dog. Again, being present, petting them, soaking in that amazing energy. I find dogs to be incredibly therapeutic, but your emotional support animal may be a cat or a bird or an iguana. It doesn't matter. As long as you spend time with them, as long as spending time with them allows you to be in the moment, centers you, and helps you feel grounded and calm, that's what matters, right? If you don't have a dog, or a cat, or a bird, or a lizard, hang out with a friend who does, or go to a shelter. You might just end up with one. Number 4: Do something nice for yourself. Take a minute to think of a few things that calm and center you. Pick one and do it. It can be anything from going to a yoga class, getting a massage, going for a mani-pedi, meditating, going out to lunch with a friend. Taking time in the middle of your day to read a book, going for a walk. Here's a novel one: hiring a cleaning service, order takeout, whatever works for you, whatever is something that just feels like you're spoiling yourself a little bit. Do it. You deserve it. 5. Do something nice for someone else. When you give of yourself from a place of love, whether it is time, a thoughtful gesture, a smile, it has the lovely benefit of not only making someone else's day brighter, but yours as well. 6. Start a gratitude journal. When you are in the midst of turmoil, it is way too easy to feel that 100% of your focus needs to be on the situation at hand. When you shift into a mindset of gratitude, it forces your brain and your body to relax. There is actually a chemical component that occurs here. It may feel awkward at first, but I promise if you just take a few minutes a day to write, your body, mind, and spirit will balance. And thank you. I know this is hard, but remember, it can be "and." There is a crisis in your life, and you are grateful. You just had an uncomfortable conversation with a non-affirming relative, and you are laughing hysterically with your kids watching Elf for the 10th time. Your homophobic friend just made a cruel comment, and you feel at peace sitting on the floor with your dog and rubbing their belly. And so much love and hugs to all of you, and a gentle reminder to embrace the beauty and the messiness of your holiday season. Until next time.

Thanks so much for joining me today. If you If you enjoyed today's episode, I would be so grateful for a rating or a review. Click on the link in the show notes or go to my website, chrysalismama.com, to stay up to date on my latest resources as well as to learn how you can work with me. Please share this podcast with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone, and remember And remember to just breathe. Until next time!