#16 | Why Fear Might Be the Biggest Barrier to LGBTQ Allyship (And How to Overcome It)

Welcome to Just Breathe, the podcast focused on transforming the LGBTQ+ conversation and supporting you on your journey with your LGBTQ loved one. You are not alone. Welcome to Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen. My name is Heather Hester, and I am excited to be with you to transform the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child. Wherever you are on this journey, right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone. Today I want to talk about two very real and very normal feelings. That I believe we all experience, not only when our kids first come out to us, but all throughout the process. The first is when it feels scary, and the second, caring what others think. I have received several emails and messages recently expressing these feelings, and I think it's really important to address them and to talk about them. So the first, when it feels scary. This is a big one. I think we all find ourselves feeling scared along this journey for many different reasons, but they all boil down to uncertainty, not knowing what to do or say in the moment, not knowing or being able to visualize the future. Worrying about helping our children navigate their present and their future, as well as teaching the tools they will need to navigate their future and their present all on their own. This journey, whether your child is gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, non-binary, or questioning, is likely a very different journey than the one than you envisioned or even prepared for. Like I've said before, different isn't bad. It's just that. It's different. And sometimes different can feel scary. I like my movie reel analogy the best because it creates such a valuable visual, and I am a very visual person, so I, I work better when I can visualize things and see them in my mind. And basically, if, if you haven't heard me say it before, the movie reel analogy is simply when our children are born, when we first hold them for the first time, that movie reel starts. And as they grow and change, we add to this movie reel of who we think they might become, what they might do, things that they enjoy, how we envision their life to grow and change and who they'll grow up to be. And for, I think, a lot of people, when your child comes out, this movie reel changes and it goes in a very different direction. And so it is really just realizing and being okay with the fact that it's okay that the movie reel is changing. It's okay that it's different. Different isn't bad. It's just that. It's different. And when Connor first came out to us, we didn't know. We were surprised. I know there are many of you out there who were not surprised when your children came out to you or your teens or young adults. We were surprised, and so it was scary at the be— very beginning because we just were surprised and we didn't know how to shift or where to shift or what to do, and there were so many questions. And many times when we have lots of questions and there's lots of uncertainty, there's lots of worry that goes along with that, right? So It was scary for us for a while. And I would go through times where just feeling scared, I would be frozen and kind of what to do next and how to, what I needed to learn, who I needed to talk to, what I needed to ask Connor and how to support him the best and where he was. A lot of times would just feel completely blank. I went through a time about a year ago actually where there was just so much going on that it literally felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. And you know, these feelings— scared, fear, this feeling, these feelings— can do all of these things to you. And I just want you to know that if you're feeling that or if you go through moments where you feel that. It's okay. It is a normal part of this process. And there, there's nothing wrong with you feeling scared. This does not make you a bad parent or inadequate. It makes you human. And there is a network of parents out here out there who are A, going through or have gone through similar feelings, and B, who are ready to and want to support you. So a few things that help me when I have these moments, because they still do happen, I wanna share with you, and I'd like for you to try because they really do help. So first I want you to just take 3 grounding breaths. It doesn't matter where you are. You don't have to be sitting on a meditation cushion. You don't have to be locked up in a room somewhere. You could be sitting in your car. You could be, you know, on your couch, in your kitchen. Just stop for a minute and take 3 deep grounding breaths. And then I want you to try to sit with the feeling, whatever you're feeling in that moment, and try to identify whether it is something that is specifically going on right then or something that's happening that is feeling scary, or if it's just the general uncertainty of where you are, where your child is. And if you can identify it, write it down. You can even journal about it if that helps relieve that awful clenching feeling. And journaling, that may help just show you more, show you, give you a deeper insight into where these feelings are coming from, what you even, where you may need to go next. And then, and I know this may be a little woo-woo for some of you, but hang in there with me because I promise you this works. Know that God, the universe, your higher power, whatever resonates with you, they have your back and they are there to support you. So lean on that. The second feeling, caring what others think, is a rather sneaky one. Typically when caring what others think comes up, it relates to how people view us personally. We worry about, you know, what is, you know, so-and-so thinking about me? And no matter where you are on the spectrum of caring, whether you, you know, that's something that just is a big feeling for you all of the time, or you just don't care at all, it is easier to pull apart the whys of this and work through those whys when we're dealing with ourselves, right? With us. Now add your kid to that equation and all bets are off, right? Mama bear comes out, all rationale is off the table, and we go into protection mode. I want to share with you, when Connor first came out to us, we, we had like the combo. We were scared of what others would think, and it was more we were scared of people judging Connor and both of us, both Steve and I, were just frozen by this, oh my gosh, all of a sudden, you know, going through the list of what will this person think and what, what does this person think and oh my goodness, we don't want them to, to judge our child and judge our family. And it is a very real and scary place to be. And because we wanted to be very respectful of Connor's wishes at the time, which was, you know, initially only Steve and I knew. And then a few months later, he shared with his sister Isabel, and he started sharing with friends one by one. So it was a very drawn-out process of taking his lead on who would know, which was beautiful, but it was always also difficult because we didn't share with our closest friends for quite some time. It lent to that internal narrative of what are people thinking, caring what others are thinking, caring that people are judging or will judge. When we had to send Connor away for intensive therapeutic intervention, It definitely again hit on both of those feelings. It was such a scary time because he was engaging in very dangerous behavior. And this is a topic that he and I will actually share with you together a few episodes from now. But for now, for this episode, the sake of this episode, know that, you know, our concern for his mental health and his well-being trumped everything. And even though at the time we, we circled the wagons, so to speak, and didn't really discuss details with many people, by that point we had built more inner strength and more family solidarity. And so caring or wondering what others were thinking or how they may be judging didn't sneak in quite as often because we knew that we were doing the best possible thing for Connor and for our family. And so now more than 3 years later, while we're all on this spectrum of caring, all 6 of us are more likely than not to either not care, recognize that we care and ask ourselves why, or realize that it is judgment or someone else's stuff and not our stuff. Not ours to worry about, and set that really hard boundary. So when we are hard on ourselves for caring, or we should all over ourselves, as in, I should just worry about myself and my family, or I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks, we need to take a step back and cut ourselves some slack. The most important thing I want you to take away from this episode is that these feelings are normal. There is nothing wrong with you, and having these moments when everything feels scary or you care what others think doesn't make you a bad parent. It makes you human. The fact that you are aware and continue to work through your process, whether it is through education, therapy, connection with others, or quiet stillness. That is what matters. You are not alone. Please remember that. I have set up a private Facebook page for parents to have a place to talk about these types of concerns and, and anything else you may want to talk about and to find community and support that we all want and need. You can go on Facebook to @chrysalismama or click on the link which I will have in the show notes for you. And I can't wait to meet you all there. This is where I will leave you for today. Thanks so much for joining me. Remember to just breathe. Taking a few minutes each day to focus on your breath and calm and center yourself will give you so much strength and clarity. Please subscribe to and review Just Breathe so I can reach many more people who need to know that they are not alone. Until next time.