3 Key Strategies for LGBTQ-Aligned Parenting: Reducing Stress & Raising Emotionally Intelligent Kids

Welcome to Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child. Filled with awesome guests, practical strategies, and moving stories, host Heather Hester always makes you feel like you're having a cozy chat. Wherever you are on this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone. And here is Heather for this week's amazing episode.

Welcome to Just Breathe. I am so glad you are here today. So during my little break in December that I took to just enjoy being home with my kids and having Connor and Isabel home from college and just doing a lot of our fun traditional things that we do and really just taking time to breathe. I attended an event on December 18th. It was an online event called Podapalooza, and a friend of mine was one of the people running it, Michelle Abraham, and I thought, well, this will be a good opportunity. This sounds like a fun, just a fun opportunity really, so why not? Why not do this? So I really, you know, kind of going into it, had No idea what I had signed myself up for, but oh my goodness, did it turn out to be a really, really cool event. So during the course of the day, I had the opportunity to interview two different people for the podcast, for my podcast. So the interviews that I got to do were a little different than my typical style. They were a little more rapid-fire and kind of a quick get-to-know-you and tell-me-about-what-you-do type of thing, but I I really found both of the people that I got to interview so engaging and interesting, and I really wanted to share them with you. So the first one that you're going to hear from is Amy Zweigenbaum, and she is a transformational stress coach. And one of the really interesting things about her is she has a stress relief blog that I will let you listen to her talk about and tell you more about, but it's really, really cool. And then the other person I got to talk to was Joanne Leitte, and she really talks a lot about emotional intelligence and the importance of developing that as a skill. So I am really happy that I get to share these two wonderful humans with you, and I hope you enjoy.

So Amy, I'm so excited that we get to chat, um, for a little bit here today during this awesome Podapalooza event.

And, um, thank you for having me on your podcast. I really appreciate it.

Of course, of course. I think that, um, what you do and, and what you offer is so interesting. And, um, you know, my listeners are just going to find you fascinating. Um, and I think we'll be, we'll be clicking on a couple of different things here. So I I first want to, because we were just talking about it and I need to hear more about this blog that you just started. Can you tell us about it?

Yes. Basically my blog is a free stress release tool. It has the same accomplishment as going out and causing harm without any harm. So it's a writing tool and it's called How to Literarily Get Away with Murder. And I teach my audience how they would plan out to kill the person who stressed them out. Now you're just writing a story, so nobody's getting hurt and you don't— you're not going to jail for it. And well, the next time the boss tells you and makes you feel awful, you can think about your lovely story and feel much better.

Right? I mean, That is so creative, and writing is such a stress reliever. So why not? You know, a lot of times I talk about journaling all the time, but really this is taking it to the next level, right?

Well, because I've done— as a teacher, I did a criminal profiling course, and I did design multiple murder mystery type events, I really do know about what makes these people tick and how they decide their victims, how they decide where they're going to kill, and everything else. So I'm walking people through how you would literally design a murder against someone you don't like.

Wow.

Without causing harm. Without—

there's no harm involved. In fact, if your story is really good, you could always change the names and publish it, right?

Exactly. It could be a series of short stories, just keep them a compilation, right? Which started out as a stress reliever. Um, I just think that is so cool.

Yeah, it's just to get that anger and that stress out so you, you feel better. The purpose is to release that stress and to lower your stress level because I'm a stress transformational stress coach.

Exactly. Well, that actually moves right beautifully into that. So which came first, the blog or being the coach? What is your, your timeline?

The coaching is actually came— I don't know. I mean, the blog grew out of other things that were there before the coaching.

Okay.

But the coaching came in first.

Okay.

So learned basically everything I could possibly know about coaching, um, still being one of those people who has to learn everything more.

Wow.

I think that's a good thing, right? Being just a lifelong learner. We just continually get better or wiser at, you know, what we do. I think that's So smart.

Well, it's— it keeps things interesting. You can never learn too much. Um, I used to be— well, I used to have a company as a Reiki master and, uh, running the Bars. And one of the things they taught us with running the Bars is to always be in the question, always be learning, right? So this is one of the things I bring also to my stress coaching. I'm also going to be having weekly meditation classes for my, my clients starting in January.

Wonderful.

All of this is part of the package for either one-on-one coaching or group coaching.

Okay, that's great. So can we talk a little bit about, um, who you offer, you know, who your ideal client is for coaching, who you like to work with, or who you typically work with.

Well, I, I'm looking to work with stressed-out professional super moms who have these horrible stress-related illnesses because basically they're trying to do the workload that even the great god Zeus couldn't figure out himself.

Correct. Mm-hmm. And that's become quite an issue, hasn't it?

Well, these stress— I mean, people, stress is one of the biggest killers around and has been for a long time. Mm-hmm. And people don't realize how serious it really is.

Right, right. Well, because stress is not tangible, right? So you don't realize all the havoc it wreaks. I mean, it is— that's rather— but I think as a general statement, right? It is. You can't— whereas like you can see sugar, right? You can see fat, you can see that you're not exercising, but you can't necessarily see stress. Let's talk about that just a little bit, because I like that you're not just a stress coach. You're a transformational stress coach for professional super moms. That is highly specific. So, well, I want to teach them how to enjoy their life.

Okay. Basically, it's been believed for a long time that the only ones who can enjoy the, the awesome career and having the family are the men.

Mm-hmm.

But nobody ever thinks about why. And the reason behind this is that the men are doing a lot less work.

Yeah.

Okay. They work their day at work. They come home, they park out in front of the TV, watch the news while the wife makes dinner, takes care of the kids, makes sure everybody does their homework. I mean, she's doing double duty here. That's why she's not having any fun.

Right. Or why she's exhausted all the time, right? Or exactly how all these stress-related diseases are creeping in.

Well, exactly. And stress at the end of the day can kill you.

Oh yeah, absolutely it can.

It is.

It's funny when you say that, I have to just really, I was just having this conversation the other day with my father's 87. And he will always say to me, well, you should read XYZ and why don't you do this? And I laughed because he was a dentist for 50-some-odd years, right? And I was like, dad, you got to go to work, do the one thing that you love doing. You had all these people around you, making it work for you, right? Your assistants, your office manager. You came home, mom took care of all of us, right? You got to walk in the house and sit down and be fed and then go read and then get up the next day and do all of that again. I'm like, the, just literally no, I'm like the, the number of things that mom always did that you had no idea, the number of things that we do in this generation of women right, times 100, right? And I said, it is, it is beyond comprehension for you. So the fact that I don't sit down at 3 o'clock in the afternoon and read a newspaper, I know it's really hard for you to understand. It's not possible, right?

Where do you find the time?

Exactly.

However, it's a lot of fun to grab the kids and go out for snowball fights.

Well, yes, right? Or, I mean, and I think these are the things that you're talking about, right, and what you're doing, that you are teaching moms that it's okay to do.

Well, it's, it's about forgiving yourself because you didn't ask for this job. You were just kind of dropped into it. And because this is something that you hadn't planned on, that you just were nurtured basically from birth to do it. I mean, nobody even remembers where this idea came from. It's been passed down for so many generations.

Yeah, yeah. Well, and I think it's— it is definitely beginning to shift a little, right?

But it's improving a little, but it's got a long way to go.

It has a very long way to go, and it takes conscious action on our part. Would you agree?

Definitely, I would.

So how do we do that? What do you tell your clients?

The first step is take a step back and look at what is causing this. All right, why are you feeling like this? What, what are you doing? Uh, you know what, Hobby, sorry dude, but you're going to have to start helping here. And the kids, well, you just got drafted.

Yes.

So, you know, if we were on a farm, every one of those children would not be playing video games, they would be doing chores. Well, guess what? This is the new farm, children, right? You're going to put away the video games, you're going to help around the house so that mom can actually have— be the kind of mother you want instead of feeling like she's grinding her teeth and clenched all the time and feeling awful. And it benefits everyone for mom to feel better.

It does. It does. So what is an, a first step that a mom could take? And, and talking from like being like in the trenches where it is really like she is at her wit's end and she's just— what is that first step she can take?

Well, I guess the best— the first step she would take is to stop expecting herself to do it all. Stop thinking that you can handle this mountain of work. You are a human being. You are not a goddess. As much as you may look like one, you are not a goddess. And you have to forgive yourself for not being able to conquer this insurmountable load of work.

I like it.

And check out, and check out the blog. Have some fun with that.

Well, I was just gonna say, I think that's a perfect, a perfect lead-in, right? To the, not only the blog, but really, um, I want everybody to look into what you do and, um, you know, take a look at this blog.

It's—

I'm looking at this blog as soon as we finish here so I can, so I can learn how to get away with murder in a literary sense.

Well, I keep repeating to people, this is a literary tool.

Literary, literary. Yes. I think we probably need to repeat that like 12 more times, right?

Um, Please don't go out and actually kill someone. That's not what I'm encouraging.

Exactly.

Not literally, literarily. It's just little couple letters that are moved around. Very important. Um, but just also go, just how, what is, so go into your blog. So the blog is called How to Literarily Get Away with Murder.

Yes.

Yes. Okay. And then what is your website? What is the best way for people to contact you?

Well, personally, I think laughter is a really good cure for stress, so I've tried to use it in a lot of things I do. Um, my website is helpmestresscoach.com.

Love it.

Awesome. Okay. Help me stress coach.com. Okay. I will have this all in the show notes, everyone. So don't panic if you're not getting this right now. Um, It will all be there because I'm writing it down right now. Okay, that is very fun, and I just love this. To have fun, you do have to have fun. You really do. And you have to learn to laugh and learn to allow yourself to be human, right?

Exactly.

And, and one of my—

yourself some breaks, right? Well, the reason you're sick is because you're not taking any.

Correct.

Absolutely correct. And to learn to embrace the messiness of all of this, because it's, it's going to be messy whether you embrace it or not. So just embrace it and have fun with it.

Exactly. Enjoy. Try to enjoy your life. Make things more fun. One of the things I suggest I do with my clients is, as part of drafting the kids, so to speak, is make the weekends about cooking your meals for the week. So everybody gets together and cooks everything. You dump it in the freezer, the fridge, and then little Johnny and little Sam can, can make dinner before everybody gets home because they just stick it in the microwave.

I love that.

I love that.

And then it's a group effort too, which I think, you know, has value in so many ways, right?

Well, it becomes a family activity and it becomes a hobby instead of a chore.

Right, right. Yes.

I know personally I love my Crock-Pot. Throw everything in and see what you find at the end. Right.

The Crock-Pot. Okay. And my new favorite, the air fryer. That thing is magical. I'm just gonna, I'm just putting it out there.

It is fun.

You're like, you're nuts. No, it's not. No, I have just been amazed. I actually put salmon in there and I cook salmon in the air fryer. Yes. I'm telling you, it's magical. It's not just for like, because my kids, of course, my, you know, teenagers use it for, you know, pizza rolls and fries, right? Fries and all that. I'm like, what kind of like actual good food can I put in here and have it come out good, right?

And not to mention, you can play with all the little spices, right? Try this, this time, try this, that time.

Exactly, exactly. So I'm with you. I'm a big fan. My Crock-Pot, my air fryer, it's all good.

So, and you can cook multiple meals in one shot, which is what makes it even better.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And, and there, I think there's a piece of that too, where the kids are like, oh, this is kind of fun. I wanna, I want to help with this. How are you doing this? This sound, you know, right.

So, well, I mean, it's not like baking. Okay. When you're cooking, you can play with spices. You can play with a lot of these things. When you bake, there's only so much you can do. Right. I learned this the hard way as a child, actually, because I mixed up the salt and the sugar when I was making a cake.

Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.

Mm.

It was not edible.

No, I would not think so. It was probably really pretty, but yeah, not edible.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Well, you know, this is how we learn, right? I'm sure you never did that again.

Oh yeah, it's, it's all about discovering new things. It's all about living the adventure.

It is.

It totally is.

It is.

That's so funny. Oh my gosh.

Well, Amy, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you so much for—

thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate the chance to talk with you.

I know, me too. Absolutely. And I'm gonna jump off of here and, and go check all of your your blog out and your website out. I'm so excited. And I, I know my listeners will too, because this is just awesome. So thank you.

Well, I know they'll get a good laugh from the blog. It's, it's really funny. It goes into real details on how to design your getting rid of the person who stresses you out. So as long as you don't follow through with it, it's all good.

That's right. Exactly. And I think that's the disclaimer here is do not follow through with this physically. This is literally to write away your stress.

Yes.

All right, Amy, well, enjoy the rest of today, um, and this awesome event. And, um, I'm sure— I hope we will connect sometime down the road.

Oh, I would absolutely love it.

Okay, wonderful.

Thank you very much.

You are welcome.

Bye-bye.

So, Joanne, I am very excited to meet you and to learn about you and learn about what you do. I was so interested reading your, your short bio. You've lots of experience with parents and with kids and with coaching. And so I am hoping that you might just share with us what you do and what kind of brought you into what you're doing now?

Okay, sure, that, that's a fair question. I, um, right now my focus is to coach parents, particularly of tweens and teens, and I love working with parents, uh, of kids that age because everyone sort of has this bad rep view of teenagers. You know, there's sort of a societal wholesale view, although I think it's changing a little, that teenagers are impulsive and rash and nasty and disrespectful. And sure, there is that side to all of them at some times, but I think that they are the most interesting human beings, and their brains are constantly on fire and changing. So, and I came to do parents because, well, I spent 30-some-odd years in higher education I was an educator, an administrator, a counselor, and when I retired, I decided coaching was a good thing for me, 'cause I like working with people and doing sort of passionate kind of work. And right now, I'm working with parents because I think we need to really give all, we all need the skills of emotional intelligence, how to be a good listener, why those things are important to be a good parent, to be an available parent, and not— it's not all— it's not about you. And to really share that with parents so that they can raise resilient kids. And it's hard. It's really hard work. And I feel that we as parents— and I'm— my kids are adult children, adults now. We as parents need to raise the next generation, and the kids who are teens today and preteens, man, we're going to need them to be great leaders and great citizens because things are a little dark. Things are not looking so good right now. So I, I became passionate about the coaching and, and chose this niche because I really, I, I feel like I understand teenagers and therefore I understand their parents. And I, I raised 3 teenagers, none of whom escaped having lots of issues. My oldest daughter has mental health issues. And when your child is different, it's just, it's a bigger challenge. So parents of, um, LGBTQ kids have a, a almost a higher barrier, a high, a higher to, to climb over and, and jump down and be present there.

Absolutely, absolutely. And I, um, there are several pieces there that I just found so interesting, but that is, that is so correct. And I think that, you know, as parents, we kind of have to— it's part of it is that seeing our kids and seeing, okay, what, what do they need from us, right? So I really loved that you said it's not about you, because I think that's such an easy thing, especially especially when our kids are teenagers, right, to feel like, why are they being so mean to me? Or why are they doing that? Totally not about us, right?

And so that's right.

And I think, you know, I'm so glad you said that. I think that's something we just have to like continue hearing from others who have, you know, who are teaching that and who have been through it. And then it's something we just have to practice like that. Oh yeah, this isn't about me. Right.

Right.

And then that allows you, I think, to— and that goes into my next question for you— is to really see your kid, right? To see what it is they're trying to tell you or what it is they're going through or dealing with or just being a kid, you know, just being a teenager or whatever. Teen or early, you know, young adult. Um, but I, one of the things that really captivated me about you is the, um, your work with emotional intelligence. And that is something that is, I think, new to many, many people. Um, and so a lot of us are just in that very much either we've never heard of it before, or we're really wanting to learn about it. So what can you share about that?

Oh, that's, that's a pet love of mine. And I just want to start with what you started to say about seeing our kids for who they are. I think one of the hardest things for parents to do is to let your child become, just become who he or she or they are. And that's very difficult. And I think if you understand emotional intelligence, which I just want to make Clear, Heather Hester, in my mind is a skill. You can learn it at any time. It's a skill. And I think it's seen, has always been seen as a soft skill. But that's, that's sort of changing. There are a lot of business leaders, including Amazon, who are hiring people to teach their employees emotional intelligence and hiring people. Recruiters now look for those skills. In, in people. And what emotional intelligence is all about is understanding emotions, being able to label them, being to understanding where you're coming from, and being able to understand other people's emotions and regulating them. And as a parent, one of the hardest things to do is to regulate your own emotions. And unless you really understand where you're coming from and where you're where your emotions are coming from, it's really hard to regulate those of your preteen or teen. So emotional intelligence is really a group of skills. You have to recognize them, understand them, have a vocabulary. It's not just about happy or sad. There are no bad emotions. There's a huge— thousands of words that describe a feeling, and once you label them I think you can express them appropriately and know where and when to express them, and I think that really— then you can regulate them. I think it takes all of that work to be able to, you know, not when your kid does something that is outrageous to explode and lose it totally. Now, we all as parents have totally lost it. It at times.

Absolutely.

No question about it.

We're human.

Yes, and it's okay. And mistakes— you want your kids to make mistakes and learn from them, and you learn from yours, and you can repair all that. But if you really are emotionally intelligent, you really, I think, can learn to be an empathic leader. Kids who know emotional intelligence, who have modeled it because they're who have learned it because their parents have modeled it, Heather, I think are more academically successful. And how many parents do you know that just really look at their kids and their achievements as a measure of success?

Absolutely. Absolutely. I think one of the really interesting things that has become so clear to me in the past 10 years, I guess, is that emotions, you know, I think when, when I was growing up, it was very much, you don't express, right? And if you did express, it was a sign of weakness, right? Especially if it were, you know, tears or any form of sadness or any, really anything. Right. And so now I think, oh, this is great because we're really learning that emotions and understanding them, it's information. So that being angry isn't bad. It's information. So what is that anger? So like learning to ask those questions of, well, okay, you're angry. Why are you angry? What is that anger telling you? What do you— and so I think it's that, you know, it's understanding to talk about it and then to validate that experience and say, hey, I see that you're angry, or having somebody reflect that to you, right? I can see that you're really sad about that, or you're really— and like you said, like, there are hundreds of words to express, to describe emotions, right?

So, and there's levels of anger. There's totally exasperated, violent, miserable. I mean, you can, you know, you can be this angry or this angry or a higher level of angry, and you can learn the words for all those different shades of anger. And you're right, you've got to look underneath. Where is it coming from?

Exactly, exactly. And not being afraid to look underneath, right?

And as a parent, as you said, to say to your child, I see that you're frustrated. I see that you're upset. Do you want to talk about it? But interrogating them, it won't work. They need to come to you.

Right, right. And sometimes I think that they— and I don't know what your thoughts are on this, but sometimes I feel like, you know, when we just say, hey, I see that, or I feel like you're— there's, you know, energy coming off of you, right? I say that to my kids. I feel like there's, you know, there's sad energy coming off of you, or you're— you seem a little agitated, or, you know what, for them to be like, oh, like, okay. They may not even want to talk about it. They're just like, okay, some— somebody hears me or sees me, or— and then they can like start going through their process and then know that you are a safe place to come. And if they need to continue processing, right? Or if they need, you know, one thing that I'm always throwing out, um, in my house is, you know, if you need a professional to talk to, like somebody that's not your mom or your dad or a sibling or a best friend, professionals are available. Right, right. And I think that's a piece of normalizing, normalizing your emotions, right?

Because there's a— there's stigma attached to looking for professional help. Less now, less. But I know when I was looking for professionals for my, my daughter, it was, it was not only hard, but it felt, you know, I felt like I was being judged because I was looking for help.

Right. But right. But I think you're right. That is definitely shifting, which is such a great thing. I love that. And you're definitely in the line of coaching parents and working with parents and teenagers. I feel like that's very much of a parallel. And I just wonder if you could talk a little bit more just to my audience about what you do and what you specifically offer, because I think that's something that people are looking for more and more and interested in how do we find this and how do we, you know, what questions do we need to ask so we know we can find a good match?

Right. Well, you know, that, that, that's a broad— that's a hard question to answer because I, you know, no, no, no, no. It's fair. It's fair. I I just try to reach out to parents and talk about the things that they need to talk about. What I try to get them to think about their vision. What do you need? Where do you want to go? How do you see your future within your family with your teen? Because it's different in, in every family. I mean, I'm recently I've been chatting with a mom who I, I just, I'm like aghast at how amazing she is, who has one child who at 2 and a half, um, knew that she was a he. So she's been dealing with a transgender child and her oldest child who is non, you know, non-binary. And, and there's just So many different situations that come up. So I try very hard to meet parents where they are, what they need, how they've been parented, because that totally influences how you come across or how you parent. Even if you swear you're never going to sound like your mother, someday you may sound like your mother. You know, I think It's there. There are generational patterns. And so I just try to offer a confidential space where moms and dads can talk about what they worry about and what their fears are, because I think parenting from a place of fear, that's one subject that I think is universal. And I try very hard to always bring that into my coaching sessions is it's just from the minute that baby is born, I think the tentacles of fear just wrap around your heart, and that is— that's it from that point forward. And if we can learn how to parent from a place of trust, Heather Hester, as opposed to from a place of fear, right, we'll do better, we'll feel better, because we all worry about so many things and your anxiety is so high sometimes and it's a scary world out there. There are plenty of things to be afraid of, but you have to— you can't protect your child from everything and I always think, I say problem-free is not fully prepared. You know, they all need to face their challenges and some more than others, so certainly an LGBT LGBTQ child and their mom and dad have a hard— or their mom and mom, or whoever it is, have a tough time. It's hard out there. But, um, so I don't know if I've answered your question, but I think I just try to acquire clients who want to trust and be open and have an opportunity to share what bothers them, what is worrisome for them, and to take them to the next place, to the next level where they'd like to go.

Right. Well, that's great. It sounds to me that you're really— you meet people where they are, you see them for who they are, and there's a lot of— it's nonjudgmental. It's safe.

Definitely try it.

Right. And I think that is a something that is very comforting. You know, many people are looking for that and they're just not quite sure where to go, where to look for, you know, where to find this type of support. So I love that, you know, because for so long and, you know, really having a therapist was your one option, right? So I mean, finding a therapist that was really a good match It was hard, right? And also kind of jumping through that or getting over that hurdle of, I don't know what I think about this, right? I mean, now I'm the biggest advocate of therapy. I think it's so very important and it's kind of like, it's just mental health self-care as far as I'm concerned. So that's my, like, just in normalizing it and really encouraging people. But I love that coaches like you, parent coaches, and coaching for all have kind of entered this space because it's a lovely mix. Right. And it just fits, I think, a void that was there. So I appreciate what you do and I appreciate kind of watching this, this grow and having it, having it be available for, for people, because I always say, you know, finding, finding a therapist is like speed dating, you know, it's, it's really hard. Right. So, so this is true. This is quite, quite lovely. So would I be able to, how would people find you if they wanted to learn more about you?

Well, I have a website, that's joannehlight.com, and I love when people just email me and we just start a conversation that way. And my email is joanne@joannehlight.com.

Okay, well, that's easy. Super. Yeah, well, great. Well, that will be— I will also have that in my notes for our show today. And if it's okay with you, I will I'll put a link on my website so people can, can find you that way as well. But I think that this is just a really— I appreciate you being with me today and really— I appreciate you picking me.

Thanks so much for joining me today. Just a quick reminder to make sure you bookmark my website as your go-to source for resources, information, podcasts, updates. If you, or when you, sign up for my email list, I have an amazing list of all of my favorite resources that you will get right away. So definitely worth it. I do not email crazy amounts. It's really only when I have awesome things to share with you. So take a minute, jump on over there and do that, and I look forward to connecting with you. Until next time.

Thanks so much for joining Heather today. Remember to just breathe. Take a few minutes every day to calm and center yourself. Reach out anytime with ideas, questions, or feedback. Please rate and review Just Breathe on your favorite platform. Subscribe to Heather Hester's website, www.chrysalismind.com. To receive her monthly newsletter and stay informed. Join the private Just Breathe Facebook community to chat with other parents and allies, and share with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone.