More Human. More Kind. | Parenting LGBTQ Kids, Unlearning Fear, Becoming More Human
17 Feb 2021 · 13 min
0:00
Heather Hester discusses burnout, pandemic stress, and her sister's frontotemporal dementia diagnosis. She explores toxic positivity and self-compassion through Brené Brown's work, offering practical boundary-setting strategies and self-care ideas for parents navigating difficult seasons.
Welcome to Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child. Filled with awesome guests, practical strategies, and moving stories, host Heather Hester always makes you feel like you're having a cozy chat. Wherever you are on this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone. And here is Heather for this week's amazing episode.
Welcome to Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen. I am so happy you are here. As you may remember, for the past few months I have been creating and launching my course, Learning to Just Breathe. It was definitely a massive undertaking. Not only did I create all of the content, I learned all of the behind-the-scenes stuff, the lighting and recording good videos, and also editing said videos and all of the tech in between. The harsh reality of my age was rather comical as Connor patiently taught me basic cinematography and how to edit in Adobe Premiere. Last week, however, I hit a wall of sheer exhaustion. I know it was a combination of factors that led to this. In addition to working around the clock for several months, the ebbs and flows of the pandemic were really weighing on me. Remote and hybrid schooling is taking a toll on all of us. The spread of the new variants, the hope with the vaccine, continued caution with travel. You all understand, and I'm sure you have your own stressors to add to that list as well. I also had the heaviness of a trip over the weekend to Ohio to visit my younger sister who suffers from the incurable brain disease frontotemporal dementia. I hadn't been since January of 2020 because of COVID concerns, but needed to see her and visit my parents. Those of you who have or have had a loved one decline with any kind of dementia or Alzheimer's know how devastating and absolutely heart-wrenching it is. So on Wednesday last week, I just felt deflated. I didn't have the mental energy to write, so I decided to do the busy work that I had been putting off. Cleaning out my email inbox, organizing the stacks of files on my desk, phone calls to make appointments, you know, that type of day. As I read through the dozens of emails I had saved over the months to read when I had time, I came across a LinkedIn post from Brené Brown. If you have been listening to me for a while or reading my blogs, you know I am a huge Brené Brown fan. I find her books, podcasts, Heather Hester's posts all so relatable and interesting. I always learn something and come away feeling like, geez, she just gets it. This is how I feel, or this is how I want to feel. So this post that I came across was about hitting the wall. I mean, seriously, the timing on discovering this was just meant to be. So here is what she says in this post. I believe all of these things are true. I believe grace and rest are key. Feeling and owning our own shit instead of working it out on others is key. When we slip up, apologizing to the people we offload on is key. And when we hit that wall, Sometimes courage looks like scaling it or breaking through it. And sometimes courage is building a fort against the wall and taking a nap. For those of us with kids, I don't think we pretend that the wall doesn't exist. Rather than sucking it up and pushing through, we name it. We help them understand that invisible wall that they will run into hundreds and hundreds of times in their lives We model what it takes to recognize it and how tough it can be to choose the right strategy: scaling, reaching out for a lift, and/or resting. Naming, modeling, and not having answers is how we help them feel less alone or scared when they face their own wall. Hard days are real because this is hard. Stay awkward, kind, and brave enough to rest and feel. Brené Brown. And at the bottom of her post, she has a Post-it that says, 1, hitting the wall is real. 2, hard days suck. 3, there is nothing wrong with us. And 4, We're going to be okay. Talk about receiving the message I needed most at that moment, and my guess is that it resonates with many of you as well. Hitting the wall is real. Hard days do suck. There is nothing wrong with us, and we are going to be okay. I love that courage doesn't always have to be pushing forward. Sometimes it can be knowing yourself well enough to just cocoon and rejuvenate. And I love the reminder of how important it is that we model this for our kids. Reflecting on this made me turn to self-compassion. Truth be told, self-compassion is something I actively work on. It has never come easy, mainly because I didn't know it existed for the first few decades of my life. Being my own harshest critic was a maladaptive coping mechanism that served me really well. However, learning self-compassion has been one of the many gifts of the past few years. Learning to turn off the critical voices in my head and breathe into kindness, acceptance, and love for myself has given me strength and peace when I've needed them most. In my recent research for my course, I came across a website called Positive Psychology that is just filled with incredible resources. While it is meant for those in the therapy and coaching world, I think of a lot of the information is super relatable and applicable for anyone who's interested. One of their downloadable resources is on self-compassion, which I will link for you in the show notes. As one who is still very much in the learning and applying stage, I found it to be extremely beneficial. Using the Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristin Neff and Chris Germer, they examined the yin and yang of self-compassion. The yin is the comforting, soothing, and validating we do within, and the yang is the protecting, providing, and motivating we do out in the world. And remember, this is all for self. To use my current situation as an example, applying the yin and yang of self-compassion would look something like this: I am completely depleted, so I am taking a few days to just care for myself, get good sleep, eat with intention, exercise, and meditate. This is the yin. And I am setting a few stronger boundaries and restructuring my schedule moving forward. This is the yang. Self-kindness and fierce inner strength. The way you can use this tool for yourself is to get a piece of paper and at the top, describe a difficult situation in your life in a few sentences. Underneath that, make two columns, one with the word yin at the top and the other with the word yang at the top. Under yin, write the words comforting, soothing, and validating. Comforting actions would be things you can do to take care of your emotional needs. Soothing actions are the things you can do to make yourself feel calmer. And validating actions are things you can say to yourself to validate your feelings. Under Yang, write the words protecting, providing, and motivating. Protective actions can stop others from hurting you or prevent the harm you are inflicting on yourself. Providing actions are things you can do to give yourself what you need. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Motivating actions are those you use to encourage yourself with kindness, support, and understanding rather than criticism. I will include a list of emotional, physical, social, and spiritual self-care ideas in the show notes, but here are a few just to get you started. Learn to say no. Create a calming evening ritual. Drink more water. Go to bed early. Avoid toxic people. Ask for help. Do something nice for someone else in secret. Meditate for just 5 minutes a day for a week and see how you feel. Incorporating self-compassion takes practice, but it is also one of those things where even the smallest act can make a huge difference. We are living through truly historical times right now, and most of these things we have very little control or influence over. This external experience is just plopped on top of whatever is going on in our personal environment. Hitting the wall is real. Hard days do suck. There's nothing wrong with us. We are going to be okay. Just breathe.
Thanks so much for joining Heather today. Remember to just breathe. Take a few minutes every day to calm and center yourself. Reach out anytime with ideas, questions, or feedback. Please rate and review Just Breathe on your favorite platform. Subscribe to Heather Hester's website, www.chrysalismama.com, to receive her monthly newsletter and stay informed. Join the private Just Breathe Facebook community to chat with other parents and allies, and share with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone.
