#39 | 5 Harmful LGBTQ Myths Parents Still Believe & Courageous Ways to Respond

Welcome to Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child. Filled with awesome guests, practical strategies, and moving stories, host Heather Hester always makes you feel like you're having a cozy chat. Wherever you are on this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone. And here is Heather for this week's amazing episode.

Welcome to Just Breathe. I am so happy you are here. Today's episode has been an incredible learning experience for me as I've pulled it together, and I hope that you get as much out of it as I did. A few days ago, I was chatting with my daughter and her friend, and I don't know about you, but I always love hearing things from our teens' perspectives. So I told them I was working on an episode for this podcast, and the floodgates of information just poured open. So in addition to my original topic of handling common myths, we are going to talk about biphobia today. I know I can't see you, but just nod or raise your hand if you'd heard of biphobia before I mentioned it just now. I hadn't. As my daughter and her friend shared their insight and knowledge though, I had one of those, "Oh my gosh, of course, this makes total sense" moments. I mean, think about it. Before your child was out, what was your first thought when you heard someone was bisexual? Were they confused? It was just a transitional sexual orientation. At some point they would come out as gay. Were they seeking attention? Or it's just a phase or a trend. The disparaging thoughts go on and on, right? Being bisexual is one of the most misunderstood sexual orientations, and people who identify as bisexual are discriminated against and judged from both inside and outside of the LGBTQ community. So I'd like to take a, just a few minutes to talk about why this is exactly and what we can do to counter it. I always think it's helpful to start with the definition, so let's look at the definitions of both bisexuality and biphobia. Bisexual advocate Robin Ox popular definition of bisexuality is the potential to be attracted romantically and/or sexually to people of more than one, one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree. Biphobia is prejudice against bisexuality and bisexual people and denial that bisexuality is a genuine genuine sexual orientation, leading to many harmful and inaccurate assumptions and the erasure of its existence. For further reference on bisexuality, I have linked a comprehensive and detailed explanation in the show notes for you. Understanding biphobia means taking a look at how humans work. We like things to fit in boxes that can be checked. Anything that exists on a continuum or falls outside of the "this or that" choice becomes uncomfortable and it requires compassion, understanding, and oftentimes work. In my humble opinion, all humans are capable of this, but many choose to live in the safety of what is comfortable. Before we can take action, though, we need to understand what this denial and erasure look like and what it means. Denial takes several forms. The most basic is the heterosexist view, which is the belief that heterosexuality is the only legitimate and natural sexual orientation. The next is the monosexual view, which is essentially binary thinking. One can be heterosexual or homosexual. This view produced the saying that you've probably heard, which is, "You are either gay, straight, or lying." Finally, there is the assertion that bisexuality is merely a social trend. Bisexual erasure is the attempt to cancel, revise, or otherwise void the existence of bisexuality throughout history as well as present-day validation in media and other legitimate sources. As you can imagine, multiple stereotypes have stemmed from denial and erasure. Biphobia causes bisexual people to be seen as confused, indecisive, insecure, untrustworthy, and promiscuous. Now, I want all of us just to pause for a moment here. Many of us have watched and experienced to a certain degree the turmoil, the self-loathing, and the mental anguish our kids are going through or have gone through as they work or have worked through their coming out process to connect with their authentic self, right? We know firsthand that no one chooses to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, or any other orientation or identity. This is how they were created. So can you imagine how isolating it must feel to be judged and shunned by both the heterosexual community and the LGBTQ+ community for having the courage to step into your authenticity? It is a total double whammy with skepticism coming at you from all angles. It's no wonder that the mental health effects are considerable. Bisexual people experience invalidation, which leads to low self-esteem, low self-worth, and depression. Not surprisingly, they experience a higher rate of suicidal ideation and self-harm as well. So what can we do? Well, first of all, I want anyone who just thought, "I'm just one person, how can I make any difference?" to take a deep breath and wrap your head around the fact that it only takes It takes one person to make a beautiful difference. We educate and empower ourselves, and then we educate and empower those around us. The number one most important thing to keep in mind is that each one of us is a fabulous mix of traits and identities creating our whole unique person. For example, I identify as straight. I am a woman, a wife, a mom, a creator, a music lover, an advocate, a yogi, a coffee junkie, and an avid researcher. If my whole were described by only one of those words, you'd be missing a lot of what makes me uniquely me, right? This translates to every single human on this planet. Some of our identifications make us members of the majority, and some make us members of the minority. Very few of us fall squarely as 100% privileged or 100% oppressed. The knowledge that each of us can make a difference and that every person we meet has many, many character and identity descriptors helps us as we learn how to confront and eliminate biphobia. Combatting biphobia means confronting and combating homophobia too. And just like homophobia, one of the root causes of biphobia is ignorance and fear. I love this quote: "The easiest enemy to hate and fear is the enemy you've never met." I'm not sure who first said this, but it is undoubtedly true, especially with regard to LGBTQ+ people. Those who yell the loudest or spout the ugliest words have likely never met a person who is gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, or any other sexual orientation or gender identity. They've never taken the time or had the opportunity to get to know all of an LGBTQ+ person's character and identity descriptors. Whether the prejudice is conscious or unconscious, it is likely based on generations-old myths and stigmas that have never been reexamined. The hate, the fear, the misinformation have been passed on for so long that my guess is if you asked why these beliefs are still held, you would not receive a clear or substantive answer. So we counter that with a sincere invitation to meet and have an open conversation with someone who is bisexual for those who are biphobic, and someone who is gay, lesbian, transgender, or queer for someone who is homophobic. It could be a neighbor, a relative, a teacher, or the owner of your favorite shop. This eliminates the "us versus them" narrative and brings it back to just being human beings. We stand up for and support those who are bisexual. We counter negativity and correct bisexual myths. I found a great webpage that lists the most common bisexual myths that I will link in the show notes for you, so make sure you check it out. It's really great. Our work as bisexual allies specifically is to educate others, which automatically dispels fear and makes our society a place where bisexual people can come out to heterosexual and homosexual people alike without fear of judgment. So moving on to the broader conversation about common LGBTQ+ myths, Depending on where you are on your journey, you could probably list at least 5 without batting an eye, right? I definitely can at this point. Whether this is your first or 50th time hearing these, know that these are the most common things thought and said by those who are misinformed. So being prepared with a response and accurate information to back it up is key. There are many great websites out there and articles and information that discuss these myths as well as provide factual information, and I'm providing a link for just one of them in the show notes for you. So myth number 1 is that being LGBTQ+ is a choice. I know that I covered this earlier in the episode, and I say it quite frequently on this podcast. But I just feel so strongly about the absurdity of this statement. As parents of an LGBTQ+ child, we know that no one chooses their sexual orientation or gender identity. It is how they were beautifully and wonderfully made. We have witnessed the hell that so many of our kids experience as they are working through their process. And to certain degrees, we feel their pain as only a parent can, right? So here is your response for anyone who suggests this myth to you: All you need to do is witness the self-torture and agony of one person's coming out process to know that this is not a choice. Myth number 2: Being LGBTQ+ can be cured. I've always found this one so fascinating, like sexual orientation and gender identity are diseases that can be caught and then cured. So absurd, right? But many still believe in conversion or reparative therapy, which have been proven to be so damaging that as of March 2020, 20 states have banned its use. If you haven't seen the movie Boy Erased, add that to your queue immediately. It is based on a true story and it will rip your heart out. You may have heard of the reparative therapy organization Exodus International. When it closed in 2013 after 27 years of utter failure, and worse, the destruction of thousands of lives. It came out with the following statement that I find absolutely fascinating: We apologize for years of undue judgment by the organization and the Christian church as a whole. We've been imprisoned in a worldview that's neither honoring toward our fellow human beings nor biblical. From a Judeo-Christian perspective, gay, straight, or otherwise, we're all prodigal sons and daughters. Exodus International is the prodigal's older brother trying to impose its will on God's promises and make judgment on who's worthy of his kingdom. I have a knot in my stomach just reading that. Not a disease. In fact, quite the opposite. Myth number 3, and one of my very favorites: The parents did something wrong. I love this one, and honestly, when Connor first came out and we knew nothing, it was one of our fears. Can I get an "oh yeah" if you were of the same mindset when your child first came out? So first of all, this is why I do the work I do, and all of you do the work you do as allies and advocates. We have to eliminate the misinformation that is so readily available to knock us down. We need to educate and spread love for all so that a parent's first thought when their child comes out to them isn't, "Oh my gosh, what did I do to my baby?" But how can I support my baby on this journey? The statistics are super clear on this one. LGBTQ+ kids who have little to no parental or family support are 8 times more likely to attempt suicide, 6 times more likely to struggle with depression, and other mental health issues, and 3 times more likely to use illegal drugs. Of course, there are outliers to this, but as a guiding principle, this information is super important to understand. So here are your marching orders from Myth #3: I want you to stand in front of a mirror and repeat, "I did nothing wrong" every day, 10 times, until you believe it, and love and support that baby. Myth #4: The Bible condemns LGBTQ+ people. Now y'all know I feel very strongly about this one. I've talked about it, written about it, and it is part of my digital course. So we're just going to touch on the most important pieces here so you are prepared when someone uses this myth. Out of 31,000 verses in the Bible, only 7— 7— are cited to condemn homosexuality or being LGBTQ. The word homosexual was not even a word in the English language until the late 1800s and did not appear in the Bible until the late 1940s. Furthermore, looking at the historical context and following the translations back to the original texts of Hebrew, Greek, Syriac, and Aramaic, there are no words that translate as homosexual or anything close. Jesus never spoke about homosexuality. Not once. And the Bible as a whole actually condemns cruelty toward all and exploitation of those most vulnerable. If you are interested in reading more on this subject, my two very favorite books are "Unclobber" by Colby Martin and "Mom, I'm Gay" by Susan Cottrell. Myth #5: Being LGBTQ+ is contagious. This one is particularly painful for me because we have run into this in our community. Like Myth #2, being LGBTQ+ is not something that can be caught. It is not a disease, and perhaps even more importantly, it is not a behavior that can rub off on others. It is not a learned behavior. It is an inherent trait. Fear and ignorance drive this myth. The most we can do to counter it is to offer accurate information and kindness. We cannot control others' actions, but we can control how we respond. And sometimes that response includes letting go of relationships that are no longer positive or supportive of you and your family. Hoo! So I know this was a lot of information packed into about 22 minutes. I hope this was insightful and helpful for you as you and your family continue on this beautiful journey. Please reach out to me with questions on this topic or these topics. If you have ideas for future topics or questions that you'd like for me to incorporate into future topics, I would love that. And one final favor to ask before I sign off, if you really enjoy this podcast, please leave me a review on whatever platform you listen to it on. Positive reviews are the best way for me to reach others in the world who need to know that they are not alone. Big hugs to all of you and many, many thanks. Until next time.

Thanks so much for joining Heather Hester today. Remember to just breathe. Take a few minutes every day to calm and center yourself. Reach out anytime with ideas, ideas, questions, or feedback. Please rate and review Just Breathe on your favorite platform. Subscribe to Heather's website, www.chrysalismama.com, to receive her monthly newsletter and stay informed. Join the private Just Breathe Facebook community to chat with other parents and allies, and share with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone.