#50 | Why Embracing Imperfection Matters for LGBTQ Parents (Courage & Hope for Allies)

Welcome to Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child. Filled with awesome guests, practical strategies, and moving stories, host Heather Hester always makes you feel like you're having a cozy chat. Wherever you are on this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone. And here is Heather for this week's amazing episode.

Welcome to Just Breathe. I am so happy that you are here today. So today is actually episode number 50 for me, and I'm just really, really excited. I am honored that you all are listening and It's just really been so much fun, and it's been a real privilege, actually, to be able to provide helpful information and to let all of you out there know that you're not alone on this journey. And I just thought for today's episode, I would do something a little bit different than what I usually do. And as I was thinking about this episode, I thought, you know, what is it, what are the things that not only that I've learned since I've started doing this podcast, but things that I have learned over the past 5 years. It will be 5 years in February since Connor came out, and things just started popping in my head, and Steve and I started talking about it, and I thought, you know what, this is a really, really good way to celebrate Episode 50 to share some of our biggest aha moments that we've had on this journey so far. And, you know, every— I feel like every day something— we learn something new and we shift in one way or another. And it's just— it's fun. It's interesting. It's challenging. So this is what we're going to do today, and I'm just going to jump right in and jump in with a really, really big one, one that's been particularly big for me, and that is my faith. And I know that we've talked about this numerous times in different episodes, and you all have shared your thoughts with me via email and on the Facebook page and the Facebook group, and I think this is something that definitely resonates with everyone in some way. But for me particularly, the biggest aha moment, I think, came when I realized that there isn't just one right way to have a relationship with God, to have— that my faith doesn't have to look one specific way. And I know that may sound crazy to some of you, but I am guessing there are probably others of you who can totally relate to that, where you, you had this moment where you were like, oh my goodness. So I actually had two aha moments within this one, and the first was that God doesn't care how I come to him or how we communicate with one another. He only cares that we have a real, deeply connected relationship. It doesn't matter how, how messy it is or how formal it is. It doesn't need to be formal at all. And the second one, and equally as big for me, was realizing and respecting that while God is my higher power, he is not everyone's. And everyone, each person out there can have a different higher power. And that is a beautiful thing. So there's my, my quick take on faith. The second aha that we had is that it is okay to show our cracks, meaning our imperfections, to our kids. And you know, Steve and I have had this happen in, in different ways for both of us, but for me specifically, I remember the first time that I just completely broke down and cried in front of my kids. And that was a huge, huge moment for me realizing, oh my gosh, like, not only is this okay to show them that I'm human, this is good. This is a really, really good thing to show them that, you know, in that moment I was really sad, but to show the moments of fear or when I'm really worried or even when I'm angry about something, and talking with them about either how I've worked through it or how I'm going to work through it. And in addition to that, apologizing if whatever that emotion is has come out sideways, and, you know, working through that with them. I've learned that this is good modeling for them. It's really amazing, just building of communication skills, not only in our family, but teaching them how to have these communication skills out in the world, as well as deepening their emotional intelligence and deepening of our relationships. The third thing that we've had an aha moment about is messy is more fun. We had worked for so long to, we felt like we needed to have this, you know, things needed to be quote unquote perfect. Well, perfect doesn't exist. We all know this, right? But there was this idea that, you know, our kids had to behave a certain way and things had to be done a certain way. And realizing, you know, in the course of the past 5 years that messy is really just more fun and it's more authentic. And authentic kids, kids who are getting to figure out who their authentic self is, it's messy, but they're happy kids. And the whole process is just more real. And again, it points to having deeper relationships and more real relationships. My next aha moment is that it is okay, not just okay, but necessary for me to take care of me. That I don't have to be last. In fact, I shouldn't be last because when I do that, I'm not available for anybody else. I'm not the best version of me, and I'm not a good mom, I'm not a good wife, I'm not a good friend, I'm not— I cannot serve all of you in the way that I'm meant to do. So learning what I need to take care of me and Forcing myself to take those moments where, you know, whether it's a moment or whether it's a morning or whatever it is, to do those things that just help me be me are super, super important. My next aha moment, and you're probably realizing at this point, just a quick interjection, that these are in no particular order. These are literally how we brainstormed. So I hope that you weren't looking for something super organized today, but the next aha moment was learning and realizing that I could step out of the narrow rigidity that I, that was my life, and that doing that doesn't make me a bad person and really embracing that as human beings, we are meant to grow and to learn and to evolve. The next one is not so much an aha moment as it has just been a lovely benefit of doing this, and that is connecting with so many of you who are on a similar journey and who are going through or experiencing, or, and this again does not mean this journey, being on a journey doesn't mean that these are, oh my goodness, you know, crises and bad things. I do this because I want this to be a beautiful process. And yes, beauty involves challenges, but this is, beautiful. And for us to, you know, part of the shifting, the growing, the learning, the evolving, to really embrace our kids coming out as something really beautiful. And in some ways, doing this podcast has been as much about me realizing that I'm not alone as it has been for all of you realizing that you are not alone. So That is the little aha piece of this, but just so incredible. The next one is that realizing that tools, coping mechanisms, and help does exist. It's out there. And Steve and I had to look really hard and, and ask lots of questions. And again, why I'm doing this for you is to make it it easier to give you this information that was so difficult for us to find, but it really was an aha for us, like, oh my gosh, this is— it is here. It does exist. We just had to look really hard for it. And the one thing that Steve will tell you, that if you ask him, you know, what is the best thing you've learned? It's learning to validate and learning to validate our kids' experiences and everyone around him. And I've heard him tell other people, you know, kind of give this advice to other people. Because as parents, as we all know, our gut instinct is to fix, right? Our kids come to us with, you know, an issue or they're upset or they're sad or, you know, whatever it is, and we want to fix it for them because it's so hard to see them in pain. But the best thing that we can do is let them know that we see them, that we hear them, we understand what they're going through, and allow them to process. And just this whole learning and finessing the tool of validation has been absolutely huge. And it's, you know, particularly— I, I love watching Steve doing it and hearing him do it with our kids is just one of those things that just warms my heart always. The next one is being aware of luck or divine intervention, the power of the universe, whatever you want to call it, but being aware of that stepping in or becoming obvious at the right moments. And, you know, one of our biggest examples of this is Connor having to come home at the beginning of COVID because he really needed some extra support then. And that, you know, we always say, and he will tell you, that that is a huge silver lining of COVID for him. But the second part of that that is equally important is being actively grateful for those moments. So being aware and then being actively grateful for it. The next one is getting your teen to feel more self-worth and pride in themselves. And this really is not an aha moment as much as it has been like kind of putting, connecting all the dots, putting it together and realizing, okay, this is, something's really important that we need to do. If we can help our kids, or when we can help our kids build this, build their self-worth, build pride in themselves, that is going to be their strongest weapon against the nasty manipulative people out there, or situations out there, or whatever life throws at them. That will help them. It will give them strength and it will help them stay grounded. So really not so much of an aha as a connection and something that we've been very purposeful about. The next one is, and this is a huge one, the value and importance of mental health. It really is an aha, but it's also one, um, that once I became very aware of and Steve became very aware of, that's kind of where the aha moment in this is that, oh my goodness, this is— not only is this real, right? Because that's a big thing that, you know, we have all been trying to spread awareness about mental health, is real, but treating it as I would as my physical health. So, you know, something I heard someone say, which I just love, and I kind of have gone, you know, taken it and run with it as well. I treat my mental health like I would going to the dentist, right? You go to the dentist to take care of your teeth. You go to your doctor for your annual physical. You do things for your mental health, whether it is seeing a therapist or, meditating, or whatever it is that helps you take care of that piece of you, they are of equal importance. They are connected. And that is where the— I want the aha in this to be for you. And the final one is the value and importance of having good role models and mentors for our kids. I think an aha in this is that we are very much programmed as parents that we have to provide all of this, that we, you know, all direction and all influence needs to come from us as the parent. And sometimes we have learned the best support or the biggest ahas for our kids have come from a really solid role model or mentor. In their life that have helped them see something in a different way, or love something about themselves in a way that we never could, but then we're able to support that and help them grow that, or hone that, or whatever that is. So it's just really this, you know, the whole idea of working as a community and That is where, you know, the aha in this is, is that, wow, you know, we really are all doing this together. So there are my biggest ahas. We made a list of a ton more, but I think this is a good list for today, and I hope that this episode was different for you, was fun for you to listen to. I want to give you a preview of what I have coming up because I'm really, really excited. I've been working on several things that I am going to be introducing to you, putting out there. The first one is I am going to start having monthly workshops that are live workshops with a topic, one singular topic for each workshop that will then have live Q&A, interaction, conversation. So keep your eyes open for an announcement about the dates, the upcoming dates for these. It will be coming out via email, so make sure we are connected in that way so you can receive these updates as I send them. And the other thing that I've been really, really working on in addition to content for you is a new way for all of us to connect with one another and directly with me. So just a little teaser for you of what's coming in the next couple of months. And finally, I just want to remind you that wherever you are on this journey, you are not alone. Until next time.

Thanks so much for joining Heather today. Remember to just breathe. Take a few minutes every day to calm and center yourself. Reach out anytime with ideas, questions, or feedback. Please rate and review Just Breathe on your favorite platform. Subscribe to Heather's website, www.chrysalismama.com, to receive her monthly newsletter and stay Join the private Just Breathe Facebook community to chat with other parents and allies, and share with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone.