#56 | The Tao Te Ching Path to Self-Discovery: Courage and Guidance for LGBTQ Allies

Welcome to Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child. Filled with awesome guests, practical strategies, and moving stories, host Heather Hester always makes you feel like you're having a cozy chat. Wherever you are on this journey, right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone. And here is Heather for this week's amazing episode.

Welcome to Just Breathe. I am so glad you are here today. I am delighted to introduce today's guest. Jesse Asya Kanser is the author of the new book Don't Just Sit There, Do Nothing: Healing, Chilling, and Living with the Tao Te Ching. When she was 8 years old, her family emigrated from the Soviet Union to Brooklyn, sending her on a several decades journey of self-discovery that was not always kind. And then she discovered the Tao Te Ching, learning there is power in stillness, and that all struggles come bearing gifts if you know how to recognize them. Today, she shares with us a grounding message that will not only benefit each of us personally, but our loved ones as well. Jesse, I am so happy to have you here today, and I'm so excited to learn because this is a topic that has long fascinated me, but I honestly don't know a ton about it. So when I was connected with you, I was so interested and excited to have you on the show because I know that you have a lot of really interesting and valuable insights to share with us today.

Thank you so much for having me, and I am thrilled to share the message that I wrote about in the book far and wide.

Good. Well, this will be— this is just the beginning, right? I mean, this is such an exciting thing. And, um, you know, we'll start— I will start by letting everybody know, uh, about your book, and then, you know, we'll end with that as well, just so everybody has it on top of mind and knows where to find it and when to find it and all those good things. So Jesse just wrote a book called Don't Just Sit There, Do Nothing: Healing, Chilling, and Living with the Tao Te Ching. And it's coming out at the beginning of March, March 1st. And I just think this is, this is fascinating. So I'm sure there are many people out there like me who don't really have a full understanding of what the Tao Te Ching is. Could you give us a little a little 101 on that?

Of course, that's why I'm here. That's why, that's why I actually wrote Don't Just Sit There, Do Nothing, because I've been using this ancient wisdom for a long time to benefit my own life, and I just wanted to share it. And I bring it into a very modern kind of way of looking at it. I make it very approachable and easy because I don't think everyone has the time or the wherewithal to just sit and dissect dozens of dozens of translations, which is what I did with the Tao Te Ching. And so just to back up, it is an ancient philosophy, a sacred text actually, from 6th century BC China. And it's a simple text in that it's just 81 verses, 81 little poems that talk about the way to live with more ease, the way to cope with this human existence in a more easeful, balanced, peaceful way. And I myself came upon the Tao Te Ching when I needed a big dose of healing. I was born in the former Soviet Union. I came here to America as a refugee when I was 8, and there were a lot of identity issues for me because I wanted to fit in so badly. My name was Asya. I was from the Soviet Union, which back then was very different. It wasn't just Russia. It was, you know, it was like a black and white world. And America was Technicolor, lots of choices, lots of, you know, all of my photographs from that time, they look like probably most people's grandparents' photographs. Like they're black and white, everything was very limited. And so I had to really become someone completely new in America in order to fit in, in order to make my life easier, because it was a struggle for a long time. That all caught up with me. I had a kind of a loss of self. I struggled with an eating disorder, with depression, with anxiety. Shortly after graduating college, I was super unhappy and I got into this major car crash and really had to pause, physically had to pause, and emotionally was broken. And I was reaching for any kind of self-help and spiritual teachings that could help lift me up. And the Tao Te Ching was really, really good for me. And I've used it over and over again my life because life doesn't just become smooth all of a sudden. It's, you know, ups and downs, ebb and flow. And I've used it when I became a mom and I dealt with postpartum depression. So I use these teachings to constantly bring myself back to a place of peace, to a place of grounding. And in "Don't Just Sit There, Do Nothing," I wrote about my own path and I wrote some suggestions for how to bring these teachings into your life in this modern-day chaotic world that we live in, which is—

I love that so, so much because you're absolutely right. It's, it's messy, right? And I mean, even when everything is, you know, you feel like you have everything together, it's still messy, right? And, and, and so I think that having, you know, something like this that can ground you and help you stay connected to self is really, really important, right? And helps you kind of show up as the best version of yourself.

Yeah. And, you know, we teach what we need to learn. I really believe that. So I totally get, you know, I come from this achievement-based neurotic culture and then you really have to hustle as an immigrant. And so I really need these teachings. To be honest with you, I wrote the book I need to read as well. And I did it in a way that it's like fun and it doesn't just drag because a lot of these spiritual philosophical teachers can be— teachings can be less than approachable. So I wanted to just bring it down to like, you know, take all the intellectualism out of it and just bring it down to like a fun, basic level. So at the end, you know, each of my chapters and they're just— they're Do Nothing starts with a verse. But then I simplify it to just modern-day speak. Like, like, for example, one of them is just like, stop keeping up with the Joneses. So that's what the verse is, but simplified to where we can all, you know, understand what it is.

Right, right. Where we can digest it. And it sounds like, you know, I don't know about, you know, everyone out there listening. Um, I'm, I'm gonna venture a guess that we have a lot of evening readers, right? So at the end of your day, and that is a form of relaxation or a form of just like, you know, when you just need to bring it down. So it sounds like this book is the perfect book for that, that type of reading where you want something, you want to, you know, learn something and bring something in and have, you know, perhaps action items, but you just are not in the mental space where you can digest stuff that's so difficult, right?

Yeah. Yeah. And I also think, you know, I want it to be kind of like bite-sized so that you don't need to sit down and spend the entire day reading this book. You can read honestly 5 minutes a day and it gives you— this is what the Tao Te Ching did for me in my very difficult times. It gives you something to carry with you. So even if you open it in the morning or at night before you go to sleep, it gives you something a takeaway that you can carry with you into your day, into your life, uh, instead of feeling like you have yet more stuff on top of yourself that you need to do. So, right.

Oh, I like that. I like that so, so much. So I know one of the things that, um, the Tao does is it teaches you how to trust your intuition, which is something that I talk about a lot, is really listening to that, to your intuition, to your gut feelings, right? Can you talk about that a little bit?

Absolutely. The Tao does teach us to kind of block out all of that external noise and all of that messaging that's not our own and to connect with our own innate power, which I think is probably as challenging as it's ever been, if not more so, in our You know, I just read recently that we consume on average in a day more information than a couple hundred years ago people did in their entire lifetime. We have so much coming at us all the time from technology, from, you know, advertising, all of this information from our parents, from society at large. And it's really important. The Tao teaches this, and I found this in my own practice. It's really important to find stillness of the mind, however that stillness looks. It may be meditation, it may be walking, to find stillness where the noise is blocked out and you can really hear your own inner voice. It is the— like, I would say the number one life-changing experience is connecting with this inner power, inner voice that sits within you all along.

I would Definitely agree with you on that. And I think that, um, a lot of times we hear like a snippet of it, right? We'll, we'll catch like a glimpse of it and we're like, ooh, what is that? Um, you know, what, what, what something is trying to tell me something and it feels like I should listen to it, but I'm not quite sure what it is. And there's this dance that I think we do with our, you know, with that inner self, with that intuition, you know, whatever you want to call it. And, um, it is lovely to have a process, something that we can, you know, learn to do, or we're like, oh, okay, that's what that is. This is how I connect with it. This is how I listen.

Absolutely. And, you know, I will add a caveat that of course we don't always listen to our intuition. I've had so many, right? Like, I have so many situations where I've had people tell me, "I knew he was no good. I knew it. I heard that in there, and you know, I felt it in my gut, and I just jumped for it anyway." And I want to add the caveat that that's okay too. The Tao Te Ching actually says— and people have told me that this is similar to what's in the Bible, actually— the Tao says, "There's a time to be ahead. There's a time to be behind. There's a time to exert yourself. There's a time to be exhausted." There's a time to be confused and a time to know. So our life, I think our human life is set up to come with mistakes, to come with mishaps, and it's okay. So the more you become aware of your inner voice, the more you could choose what to do. And sometimes you don't heed it, and that's okay too. But the awareness is really important.

It is. The awareness is really key, right? I think that is one of the key things that, um, you know, I've certainly learned over the past number of years. And, um, and you're absolutely right. I mean, I think there are lessons we all have to learn. So even if our intuition is screaming at us, or sometimes we just need to learn those lessons because it's going to You know, make us a better version of ourselves or what, whatever that lesson happens to be. Um, I, I mean, I know, and I've, I've shared this before that when Connor, you know, first came out, I had this strong, you know, it got stronger and stronger every month. I had this, you know, just feeling and I was like, what is this feeling? What is this telling? Telling me something. I feel like it's telling me something that I need to know about Connor. And you know, every day, every week, every month, it kept getting stronger and stronger. And I just kept like pushing it away. I don't wanna hear it. I, this seems like it might be scary. This seems, I, this is unfamiliar.

Uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable. Right. And, um, and the moment that I was like, okay, I, I need to like settle into this being uncomfortable. I need to listen. So much opened up, good and bad.

And how, how beautiful to be able to do that as a parent. I think that is, it's vital. And, you know, my kids are young now, as I told you before we started, they're 5 and 7. But even at very young, at a very young age, it really behooves us to be in tune with ourselves and our knowing of our kids because in a way, Nobody knows our children as well as we do except themselves. Right. And I think that this is something that did not exist in former versions of parenting and former generations. It just didn't.

No, no, it did not. And I think it's, it's something that actually is encouraged, right? And it's something that we talk about and encourage others to do. And we work very hard ourselves to do that, but it is, it's new and it's, people don't like to be, you know, as humans, we don't like to be uncomfortable, but that can be—

or change, right? We don't like change either. We don't like, yeah, we want to keep the status quo.

Exactly. I mean, you know, in a lot of ways it's the former generations there. That was a little, I don't want to say easier, but it was just, it was a different way of approaching relationships. And I think stepping into this awareness, this connection, this, um, you know, requires a lot of vulnerability. It requires a lot of recognizing, you know, knowing that saying, I'm, I'm gonna make mistakes because I'm human, just like you're human and you're gonna make mistakes. And It's okay, right?

Yes, because authenticity doesn't come in the form of perfection. It just doesn't. It's— and I say this all the time, you know, I say this in Don't Just Sit There, Do Nothing. I tell my kids all the time, like, oops, mommy made a mistake, like from a very young age, because I don't need them to have me on some pedestal the way I think that old paradigms of parenting were, where the parent's up here and the child's down there. I don't need that. I want to be seen as my human and perfect self. And that forms a more authentic relationship with our kids where they can be imperfect, where they can trust us with their vulnerable information.

Right. Absolutely. And you know, what a gift that your kids have that at such an early age. And that is, you know, something that my husband and I both have shifted a, you know, literally 180, but our kids were, you know, older. And yeah. So for them it was kind of that, it was, you know, messy for everybody because it did go from very much the old paradigm.

Yeah.

To this new, like, okay, you know what, we're just gonna be real about stuff because there's a lot of real going on here. Right.

Well, you know what, I think that's, that's perfect. And that's, that, like, I think that's lovely that you acknowledge that because look, we're all evolving and we're all doing the best we can with what we know at the time. Exactly.

That's, that is, that is exactly right. And I think that is something I know that is something that, um, we all have to remind ourselves of, right? And it is easy before. No, I was just going to say, I'm guessing that the Tao has something to say about that too.

Yes. You know what? That is so funny. You read my mind. You actually read my mind. That's exactly what I wanted to say. So If I had to boil down the Tao, I would boil it down to this one verse where it says, here in my basic teachings, Lao Tzu, who's said to have written it, he says, I basically teach three things: simplicity, patience, compassion, starting with compassion towards yourself. So you just— simplicity, and especially in difficult or uncomfortable times, is really important to simplify everything to here is what's going on now that we need to focus on, or to simplify our frantic thoughts, to simplify all of our many goals. And then patience is understanding that no change happens immediately. No, no understanding or communication becomes perfect immediately, and nothing gets achieved immediately. So understanding that the timeline is what it is. So that's being patient. And compassion, starting with compassion towards yourself, is about forgiving yourself for your mistakes and your humanness. And when you do that for yourself, it is so much easier to do that for other people.

Absolutely. Oh my goodness. I think that has been one of the greatest gifts is to to realize that, you know, to learn that and be like, okay. And, and to put it, you know, when you kind of try these things on and you start practicing them and you actually see like results, you're like, oh my goodness, this, this is kind of amazing. Like this, all three of those, you know, just different scenarios that you stated. It is, it is so interesting. But one of the, things that I think people— it's so important that everyone remembers as a human being that, you know, things take time. Change takes time. Um, understanding takes time. Communication takes time. Everything takes time. And so learning to embrace that.

And I think especially challenging in our instant gratification kind of society, right? Like, not what it used to be. No, I think it's harder. Yeah, right.

Sure. That's definitely because we get everything else so instantly. So why can't we have, you know, patience instantly and compassion instantly?

And yeah, yeah, and sit through that, you know, being uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah. Why can't we just like, okay, I'm ready to change, boom, changed? Yeah, yeah. It's so funny. It is so funny. And listen, Again, like this is something so real for all of us. It's something I deal with all the time, but you know, I had to learn that as well because the process of writing and publishing a book also as an example, takes, it takes patience and takes time. And I used to be such an instant gratification type of person. And I say that that's part of the reason I dealt with certain addictions and addictive behaviors like binging and purging when I was a teenager. Early 20s and Love Addiction later. And like all of these things were about instant gratification. And I had to really learn to pull that back. It is very challenging in today's world.

Yes, it is so challenging. And I, I think that it's even more challenging for our kids because they— that's all they've ever known. So we've kind of moved into it, which is confusing also. But our kids, like, to kind of communicate to them or, or share with them like how to do this, they've never seen it any other way. Right. So, you know, everything is, you know, I, I can jump on TikTok and find this.

Yes.

Or I can jump on Google and learn this and, you know, whatever it is, like everything is like that. So it is.

Yes. And you're right that it's even like the small behaviors of in our day, having to go to the library and perhaps look at encyclopedias or resource books and having to gather information. All of that has become very instantaneous. So our expectations do become instant change, instant answers.

Instant answers. Always instant answers. Yeah. Um, it is, it is so, I mean, it is so fascinating. And I always have to giggle when, uh, you know, one of them will say to me, you know, well, I read this and, or I heard this. And I'll be like, well, you know, where did, where did you hear that from? You know, who is your source? What, you know, and half, half the time I heard it on TikTok.

I was like, awesome. TikTok is not news.

Right, exactly. Okay, let's, let's have a discussion about that.

You know? Yeah.

So, um, so kind of moving on because this is— I— there are so many questions I want to ask you, but there are a couple of things that we've touched on just a little bit. You've talked, just touched on kind of your, your story of just kind of your life story, but can you talk a little bit more about how that losing sight of your true identity, how that can really be a gift and, and how kind of how to find it again, you know, or what the steps were that you went through to do that.

Yes, I'd love to talk about that because while it seems that we're all dealing with some sort of identity crisis right now in our society, whether it's like a literal identity crisis or a more top line, like, you know, what, what do we believe in? We're all, we're all dealing with that in the, in the years of the pandemic and, you know, perhaps being failed by our government. And I think we all have a lot of major questions, whether they're personal or, you know, or more like top line. But I, because I've dealt with this in my own life, I do feel Like, I just want people to know it's okay. It's okay. Like, it's okay to have identity crisis because— crises. Because what I've learned through this process of losing this, you know, I was this little good little Russian girl named Asia, and then that disappeared. And what I've learned, and what I've learned with the help of spiritual teachings like the Tao, is that there sits within us an identity that goes beyond all labels, and that's where our true power lies. And I would have never gotten to that had I not had to struggle to figure out who I was. So the beauty of the struggle, the beauty of the not knowing and not fitting in so easily and so clearly into, hey, I'm just a suburban American kid, as an example, you know, not fitting into a A box is a gift. And I'm starting to realize that I think folks, many, many, many folks don't and try to fit themselves into that box. And therein lies what I call, you know, many people living lives of quiet desperation. I think that because when we try to fit in an outward mold that society kind of tells us we need to belong in, and if we don't go on this search for our true self, we do feel pangs of disconnect. When you go on this process, when you go set off on this search of like, "Well, who the hell am I anyway?" You start to understand that beyond the labels of Asya or Jessi, woman or man, beyond immigrant or American or wherever, beyond the labels that are kind of put upon us sometimes at birth, there sits a, a godlike power, a source power within all of us that doesn't care about what other people think, doesn't care about how we're perceived by the world, but just cares about this connection between this human you and this spiritual you. And once you're able to connect with this truth, You can do, be, and have anything. That's how I see it.

Wow, that is, um, I just want everybody to kind of sit with that for a little bit because I, I don't really have words for it. Um, and I believe that is something so incredibly powerful, important, something that every single one of us could benefit from, even if we don't think we are going through an identity crisis, right? Really thinking about that, because there are a lot of layers to that, that you just, as you were describing that, I mean, there are a lot of layers there. There are the layers of labels, What do we really think about labels and why do we need them, right? Why did we start putting labels on everything? Is that because humans just like to have things in neat boxes and it's uncomfortable when they're not, right? I mean, there are many ways you could— I don't know that that's the answer. That's just something I've thought about, you know, over time. Then kind of connecting to that, the fact that we are really souls having a human experience, not the opposite.

Exactly.

Right? And thinking about what that really means and, um, that your spiritual connection does not need to be in a neat little box either, right?

No, it does not. It's— and it's very personal. Um, and I think it's so interesting that the Tao comes from 6th century BC, like I said, and yet that's, you know, it even starts off with that, uh, why do we label everything? You know, why do we label the world? It says The Tao that can be told is not the Tao. And, you know, if you boil that down, the name that can be named is not the name. The item, the person, the boxes that we create, the labels we create are not the thing itself. So you need to start looking beyond all that. And what is the thing? What is this person, this being, this consciousness that is me?

Right.

And I would argue that even if people don't realize they're having an identity crisis, they probably are because Because the human experience is one of constant change, and when you are always changing, your identity too is changing. It is difficult. I see this in just, you know, I'm just a suburban mom in some ways. Of course, I'm much more than that, but I'm saying like in some ways that's what I am. And I see a lot of moms struggling with this because they were people before they were moms. There are things they want regardless of being moms, and yet they feel boxed in. And this is just a very standard role, right? Like mom.

Right.

But I think, I think, and then, you know, you see this, you see this in folks who perhaps are not happy with the profession they chose, and yet they have the weight of their family, you know, on their shoulders. You see a lot of the struggle because I think we are constantly labeling and putting ourselves into boxes. And, you know, I would love if it's okay with you to bring up one chapter that I have in "Don't Just Sit There, Do Nothing." Yes, please. Which is called "We Are All One." And I wanted to share this specifically with your audience because I think it is beautiful to know that this was written so long ago, to understand that what you're going through and the struggles you're going through, they're not new and they're not abnormal. So the Tao said, hold your male side with your female side, hold your bright side with your dull side, hold your high side with your low side, then you will be able to hold the whole world. And then I kind of dissected that just to mean honor the opposites within you, feminine, masculine, hard, soft, introvert, extrovert, Allow for diversity within and rejoice in it without, without meaning externally. And, you know, then I have like little chapters and there are little sections within the chapter that says Girls Will Be Boys, The Great Unity, this understanding that I think all of us have to embrace more of both the feminine and the masculine, both the extrovert and the introvert. We all have everything within us. Right. And even those of us who don't struggle with our identity, we've usually hidden one aspect of ourselves at the, you know, at the expense of the other. And bringing both sides of ourselves, bringing the various opposites into balance, it serves us well when we're able to do that.

It does. And I like that you— I liked how you used the word honor. Because that is a, it's not a command. It is a, to me at least, it inspires such a feeling of, you know, kind of hold gently and take a look at, explore. It's kind of a word of many possibilities. And it's not a feeling of—

I think you're right, like an invitation. Yes.

Yeah.

It's more of an invitation. Yes.

Thank you. Um, but I do, you know, I think that is sometimes these things can be quite scary. And so to approach it in, in a way that is an invitation that is honoring That is exploring, that is, it's not, it kind of takes that scariness away from it. Right. And it also names a lot of things. And I always think, you know, I say with my kids, you know, name it to tame it. So, mm-hmm. You know, just if you can, you know what I'm feeling, I'm feeling anxious right now. I am feeling scared. I'm feeling angry right now. You know, being able to name whatever that feeling is or that whatever you're dealing with helps you kind of pause a little bit. Um, you know, just, I think you're, you're, you're so right.

You're so right because I, you know what I'm realizing, like my kids are little, but my, my 7-year-old. She's super sensitive, which I can relate to because I think a lot of my struggles, you know, a lot of us are empathetic, empaths. And it takes a lifetime to learn to not take the pain of the world into your own heart. And she says things sometimes like, "Oh, I wanna kill myself," like at 7, you know, she started at 6 saying things like that. And it doesn't come, I don't say that. So we've had to have conversations of unpacking that and what are you actually feeling? Because you don't actually, she doesn't actually, first of all, understand the full meaning of that. And second of all, want to kill herself. She doesn't, but there's a lot of emotions that she doesn't know how to express yet.

Sure.

And so we've had to start unpacking to understand what's going on beneath all of that frustration, sadness, et cetera. And I think you're so right. If you tame it, if you name it, you can tame it.

And I think that's part of like learning emotional intelligence, which kind of goes, goes along with this. But, um, you know, these were a lot of things that I didn't learn as a, you know, younger person. And so has been so fascinating for me.

Right.

So I, I think I had like 6 words to describe emotions. Right. And so learning that there are, there are all of these different kind of nuances. And then, you know, like you teaching our kids and having these, I mean, that is such an important conversation to have because every human being at some point or another either thinks that or says that. So it's, I mean, I think it is so important to say, okay, you know, I, I love how you did that. You know, I hear what you're saying. Let's talk about what's underneath that. Like what's what? And, and really teaching like, Well, that's this feeling. Maybe seems more like this, or maybe it does. Does it feel like this? And kind of teaching them how to really feel into different emotions. I'm angry. It's okay to be angry.

Yes. And you know, it's interesting in that same chapter in the book, I talk about like, what, where does the discomfort of other people come from? Like, yes, you have your own discomfort when you're trying to figure out who the hell you are. But I believe other people's discomfort comes from their not— them not having faced the nuances within themselves. A lot of us have, you know, grown up in a way of like, this is who I am, this is what I do. You know, you kind of put yourself in these very delineated categories. And when somebody else questions their identity, that it almost becomes a mirror. And if you have never faced the nuances within yourself, including nuanced emotions, that is very uncomfortable.

Yes. Yes, it is. I am glad that you said that. And I think, too, you know, one of those things that I wonder this is, I guess it's a something that I contemplate as, as, you know, I hear different stories and I, I come against, you know, come up against things and my kids come up, you know, against different situations, um, with other people. I think there's a lot of fear.

Mm-hmm.

Um, and, and I, I mean, that speaks to what you just said, right? That I, that I think that would be one of the, the emotions associated with that. I'm uncomfortable. I don't wanna say see that it, it brings up this fear. So instead of, um, you know, it's kind of that first stage before they're able to start asking questions or start kind of relaxing into it or opening up or whatever it is. Um, so I think, you know, that's something that over time I like to remind my kids, like, remember, that's, that's fear. That's a lot of fear there. And I have to remind myself that too, you know, like that person, they don't necessarily mean to be mean or they don't mean to be judgmental. There's a lot of fear there.

And it's never about you, the person who is, who has triggered their fear. It's really about what they have not faced or are afraid to question or face or see within themselves. I think there's a lot of fear for people that everything they've known is not so. That is a scary, you know, for those of us who have struggled, whether it's with identity or with things like depression and anxiety, for those of us who've struggled in this world, in the way this world is set up, I think that, I think that it's not scary nothing is scary because you've already questioned everything. You've already had to dig your way through the big questions. And, you know, I'm not saying we've gotten to the answers, but we're comfortable in this space. We've gotten comfortable in the space of questioning because we've had to.

Right.

And the people who haven't had to, I get how that could be scary. And it's never about you, the person triggering their fear. It's about themselves.

And that's— thank you, that's a very important reminder because it is very easy to take that very personally, right?

Of course.

Especially if you are a sensitive person. So thank you for that very good reminder. So I just— we have been having such a lovely chat and there's so many things that I still want to ask you.

So We could do rapid fire.

Let's do a little rapid fire. There's a couple more questions that I'd love to hear your thoughts, and I want to be mindful of your time as well. So let's start with how the Tao can cure you of perfectionism.

I believe, you know, the phrase like, uh, perfect is the enemy of the good.

Yes.

So, and listen, perfectionist, people pleaser, recover— in recovery here. And me too. Yeah. And I think that a lot of perfectionism, according to what the Tao says as well, is it's a lot of, a lot of preoccupation with what others will think of what it is, whatever it is that you're doing. This perfectionism is not actually an internal, it's not an internal state because if you're just doing and you're present with what you're doing, you're not really obsessing about will it be perfect, will it be good enough, will I be good enough, you're just doing it. So the Tao always tells us to simplify. It says, "Do your work, then step back, the only path to serenity." Do your work, then step back. Whatever it is you're doing, do it, be with it, move on, step back. That's it. What it will— how it will be perceived in the world, that's okay. None of that matters. So you deal with perfectionism by being in the present and doing what's right in front of you and then continuing and not obsessing over it. A lot of our stress comes not from what it is we actually have to do, but from the anxiety and the over-analysis all around all of those actions, activities, putting ourselves out there, etc.

Right.

So simplify, do, move on.

The external noise, right? Yes, it really helps with that. That is awesome. Oh my goodness. Okay, so next, um, why it's important to continue to embrace stillness even as we are at this place where we're seemingly moving a little bit back toward, you know, whatever quote unquote normal is. I think that that's a— there are many words for that. But why it's important to really keep this at the front of our minds and learn to practice this and make this a priority.

So, of course, a lot of us are itching for certain things to come back. I know that I am in some ways, and what I believe— if you remember, I said that I got into a major car crash right after college that kind of stopped me in my tracks because I had no choice, physically stopped me. I, in "Don't Just Sit There, Do Nothing," I talk about this pandemic being a sort of societal car crash. Oh. And we have an opportunity not just to go back, which I don't think, by the way, is even going to be possible, but not just to go back to whatever normal we had before, but to reconstruct. So when you miss certain things, again, you get quiet. In that stillness, in that space you give yourself to just hear your own voice versus all the surrounding noise, You get quiet and you ask yourself, what is it that you actually miss? And then you can recreate more of that. Because if it's connection, well, there's a way to create connection no matter what's going on in the world. If it's fun, if it's joy, how can you bring that in? This is our opportunity to get really honest with ourselves and to figure out what we want more of in our lives instead of just going back on autopilot.

Right, right. It's an opportunity to become aware and stay aware.

Right. And stillness, as we've already talked at length about, stillness is that opportunity to connect with your inner voice. You have to still your mind and you have to kind of shut off the external noise in order to hear yourself.

These are important things, everyone. Listen, listen up.

This is why, honestly, like I said, you teach what you need to learn. This is why I put it in a book, because I need these reminders. I freaking need this as much as everyone else. Sometimes you're like, well, I have to say yes to every invitation. I have to. And then you're like, wait, do I?

Do I? You know, sometimes the word no is like the greatest gift you can give yourself.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And that's what the Tao says, care about the opinion of others and you become their prisoner. You gotta just do what is right for you and you gotta get still with yourself to figure out what that even is.

Right. Exactly. Exactly. Oh my goodness. Okay. So one more time, I want to just first, is there anything else that you would like to share that we haven't touched on? And then I want to remind everybody where they— the name of your book, where they can find it, where they can find you, all these wonderful things.

Yes, I'd love to do all that housekeeping stuff. But before I do, just— I know this is a difficult time for a lot of people in general. It's been a challenging couple of years. And so there's like external challenges, there's internal challenges. And I just want people to know what the Tao has taught me. It's okay, wherever you are on your journey, It is okay. It's not supposed to be good all the time. And by going through and moving through the muck, we are able to learn and grow. So wherever you are, no matter how much it sucks, it's okay. And if you allow that acceptance and that okayness in, it'll get a little bit easier.

Right. And to remember that you're not alone in that.

No, no. Right. And separation is an illusion. We're all going through shit. Some of us are just hiding it better than others.

Exactly. That is exactly right. Oh my goodness. Oh, well, this has been so much fun. So just enlightening. And I am really excited for everyone to read this book. I'm excited to read this book. I will be ordering it as soon as I can. So I assume we can get it on Amazon.

Is that And where can I— Yes, it's on Amazon. Yes, Amazon, Barnes Noble, bookshop, that's for the indie bookstores. It's available everywhere. And on my website, jessiekanzler.com, J-E-S-S-I-E-K-A-N-Z-E-R.com, you see all the pre-order links or order links very soon in a few weeks. So you can, um, you can see, you could just kind of go to one place to see where it's at. But, or if it's just easier, you can go to Amazon and grab it as well.

Wonderful. I will put all of these links in the show notes so you all can just click right through. And if you— I would, I would love to go to your website or direct people to go to your website just to, you know, learn a little bit more about you and see what you've got.

Oh, and I have freebies. I wanted to say I actually have freebies on there as well. I have the first couple of chapters that you can just look at before you order the book if you want to see if it's for you. I also have bonus materials that you can get, like bonus chapters that didn't fit into my word limit that they set for me. And I have a few, a couple of free guides based on the teachings of the Tao. And I have a lot of events coming up, some of those free as well. So it's a good place to go just to check out if there's anything you want, no charge. Because I, look, of course I want people to buy my book because I want to keep working and doing this stuff, but I also wanted to be of service. And, you know, I tell people all the time, if you really want my book and you can't afford it, just email me. We'll take care of it. Just email me.

Right. Well, and it is, it is a lovely, it is a lovely gift to the world. And I thank you. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, sharing just so honestly and with such vulnerability. And it was really, really fun to have you here today.

Thank you. It was really great for me as well. Thank you.

Thanks so much for joining me today. My goal is to make this journey a little easier for you, so reach out with questions or topics you'd like to hear me talk about. Check out the show notes for my email and website information, and if you love today's episode, I'd be so appreciative of a review. Until next time.

Thanks so much for joining Heather today. Remember to just breathe. Take a few minutes every day to calm and center yourself. Reach out anytime with ideas, questions, or feedback. Please rate and review Just Breathe on your favorite platform. Subscribe to Heather's website, www.chrysalismama.com, to receive her monthly newsletter and stay informed. Join the private Just Breathe Facebook community to chat with other parents and allies, and share with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone.