#57 | The Power of Being Present: Parenting with Courage and LGBTQ Ally Guidance

Welcome to Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child. Filled with awesome guests, practical strategies, and moving stories, host Heather Hester always makes you feel like you're having a cozy chat. Wherever you are on this journey, right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone. And here is Heather for this week's amazing episode.

Welcome to Just Breathe. I am so glad you are here today. Today's guest has such a relatable and inspiring story to share. Mia Moran is the founder of Plan Simple, and she helps women balance wellness, work, and motherhood. Tried and true in her own life and hundreds of others, Mia and Plan Simple offer inspiration for action Tools for planning and systems for follow-through. I really enjoyed our chat and truly appreciated her sharing of her own life experiences and thoughts on mental health. So Mia, I am so glad that you are here with us today to talk about something a little bit different and, uh, something that we really haven't touched on for a while. So I'm really, really happy to circle back to talking a little bit about taking care of our mental health, how we can help our kids, empower them to take care of their mental health. And as well as, I love what you do because it kind of brings together two things that parents, um, are good for parents to do, but we, we often don't do it, which is planning and taking care of ourselves, right? So why don't we start out with just sharing a little bit about your background and how you decided to start PlanCentral— I'm sorry, PlanSimple, and why you decided to start that.

Absolutely. So I just have to go back a little bit. So I've always been an entrepreneur. And, but I was trained as a graphic designer. So, okay, way back when in my late 20s, I had owned a graphic design studio for quite a few years. And at that point, you know, my late 20s, early 30s, I had my 3 kids while I owned this graphic design studio. And one day when they were still all under 5, I think the baby was like 8 or 9 months, I just remember looking across my desk at this stack of coffee cups, like Starbucks cups that had just built up over the course of the day. And I just remember looking at those cups and being like, how did I, first of all, leave my desk that many times to get coffee? And also, if you drink that much caffeine, aren't you supposed to be really awake? Because I'm freaking exhausted. And that was kind of my moment where I was like, huh, like this isn't quite what I thought it would be. Like I had checked off all the boxes and I was exhausted. Like, I was, it was really like I was at the end. So that led me into this whole thing about eating healthy. Like somehow, like I made this choice that I was going to just get more energy and it started with food. And then it moved into how I parented and I just let myself go on this sort of quest. And that ended up in a book that I ended up writing that kind of merged food and parenting called "Plan Simple Meals." And I did this crazy thing when my kids were like, I think they were 2nd, 5th, and 7th grade. I took them out of school for a year and I went on the road and I met a lot of moms, like thousands of moms, and I was teaching about planning simple meals. And, you know, when I had decided to eat healthy, I think like there were certain vegetables like kale that if you had told me to go get at the supermarket, I might have cried because I literally didn't know how to cook. And so I kind of thought that I was going to be like enlightening all these people around the country of like what kale was and how to make a green smoothie. But it ended up that a lot of the people I was meeting knew how to do that. They were way ahead of me. And I kept being like, well, what's the problem? Like, I just kept being like, trying to dig deeper. And it was really time. It was that everyone had these huge aspirations to have beautiful food and sit at the table and enjoy their family. And there was just all these issues around stress and time that literally there was not the time to do the thing that they wanted to do. And so that started me down this road of really looking at how we might look at time differently, how maybe time, the way that we interacted with it, might have been more better designed for our male counterparts, what it meant to like really look at time holistically. And that is sort of what I play with these days.

Wow.

Oh my goodness. That is quite a journey. And yeah, I love that you took your kids out of school for a year to do that.

Oh my gosh.

And what an experience that had to have been.

It was so fun and it's so funny. It undid one of the things in my brain that I thought for sure was true, which was that they need every year of school because literally I bought all the curriculums, I did all the things, and I had this bag that probably weighed 200 pounds full of books. And I literally don't think we opened it for the entire year. And they all went to the next grade just fine. You know, like the next year, nobody questioned it. They just went in. Maybe they missed some Shakespeare or whatever, but like Basically. They're fine.

Yeah, they're fine. Well, they're probably more than fine, right?

Yeah.

Because they have, what a cool life experience. Yeah. And just a great, I think, you know, one of the things I often think, like, our kids live in such a bubble, right? I mean, I always say that about, you know, my kids where we live, like, you live in such a bubble. And so, you know, I love seeing their perspective, but once they, I have two who are in college now, so once they, go into college, I mean, does that open their eyes, right? I mean, they start meeting so many different kinds of people and they're living in a different place. And it's so interesting. And for, I mean, your kids got to have that experience at such young ages and really see that in a different way than, you know, an older teen would.

Yeah. Well, it's funny 'cause my oldest is now 18 and he's a senior in high school. And so he's just in the pro— you know, he just finished the process of applying to college.

Oh, so cool.

And it all came out like all— like there was so many like little gems that were literally pulled from that trip. And I was like, oh, like, you know, because I hadn't heard about it in years. It was 7th grade when he was on it. But like, it really did make a difference. Or at least he correlated the difference.

Oh, for sure. I mean, what a great way to— what a great thing to write your college essays on. Right?

Right.

I mean, that's going to differentiate. Hope so.

That's—

yes, it is such a stressful process, isn't it?

Oh my gosh. Well, it's funny. I, I'll— I will give your listeners this tidbit because I know they're all in this age range, but it actually— I did not— I mean, we don't have results yet, I will be clear about that. So maybe once we do, I'll feel differently. But I really do— I hope not, because I really do feel like the process Like, I just looked at my son after and I was like, the process of doing that, like, literally was a personal growth exercise in itself.

Oh, yes.

And I'm like, I just want to honor that you are like totally a different person and everything you just did there is almost more than what I think you'll get out of college. Like, you know, because it really makes them dig deep. I mean, if they really embrace the process, right? It really makes them dig deep and figure out what matters most to them and all the things.

It really does, and it— there's a huge time management piece in there, right? And there's a huge, you know, learning to prioritize, and you're absolutely right, you know, kind of taking that time to really reflect on their young but extraordinary lives and be able to then put that on paper or type it into a computer, right? So Very cool. Um, I really, that's, that is just, I love that you did that. So I, um, I kind of wanna talk a little bit about, we were, we were chatting a little bit before, before I hit record. Um, and so as you know, my audience is, you know, parents and allies of LGBTQIA kids. Primarily, but parents, right? Parents. And so I'm wondering if we could talk a little bit about, um, I know your, your path and your journey has really taken you to this place of, um, really understand— looking at and understanding both the mental health of our children as well as our own personal mental health as parents. And how those two correlate, what we need to do as parents to be able to teach our children to have a healthy sense of their mental health. Yep. So do you mind sharing? Yeah.

Yeah. No, absolutely. So when, you know, as I was doing all this work around family dinner and, you know, parenting and the rhythms of family, which was a lot what a lot of my early work was about and what I was helping people do, I really walked my talk. So we, you know, we were having family dinners, we were talking a lot, like, and I just developed this belief that our job as parents is really to help our kids become themselves, like, become who they were born to become, like, versus what I thought they should be or what, like, society thought they should be. I was just really clear about that the whole time, you know, and And it felt pretty easy for many years to do that, to facilitate that. And then they became teenagers. Yes. And, you know, I feel like I have like one of them is like my philosophical one who like, he shows me all the things that I've believed about society that probably aren't true, you know, that, that they're just like all my inherited like beliefs. Like, so he's my reflector of that. And then I have another one who like literally shows up in the world as like the opposite of me. So she shows me that. And then I have one who's a mini me. Who is sort of showing me how I was. And so it's funny, they all come with these pieces. And one of my girls, I have a boy and two girls, one of my girls just had a really, really hard time last year, like really hard. And so I really had to stop everything in order to help her be able to really function and want to be here. Living on the planet as a whole person. And, you know, I remember making this choice like, okay, we're just going to do this. And, you know, at the time people were saying, you know, check her in somewhere, like find all the right people to talk to her. And she wanted nothing to do with all this. I frankly wanted nothing to do with that. And I was like, well, what happens? What would happen if I really became the person who could be there for her, which was what she was asking for. She was asking for me to be there. And I had all sorts of like limits in my knowledge to what she was going through. And just, you know, she was going through something that I hadn't necessarily been nurtured in when I was a child. And so all these things around my own relationship with my mother were coming up. Like, I mean, it was just all, you know, it was all the things. And so I knew that in order for her to truly, like, transform through this experience and get to the other side, I had to do my next level of work, whatever that meant. I had no idea what it meant at the time, but like, I knew, I knew there was something. So I basically, like, teamed myself, like, I teamed us up, but I teamed myself up too, you know, like I really got us all the support that we needed and was just open to doing whatever it took to, you know, go through all the things. I remember this one time I realized that like I definitely wasn't going to check her in anywhere, but I knew that I couldn't do what I needed to do at home with the— like I could see how it was affecting the other kids.

Right.

And so I took her away for this like 4-day period and somebody had a house they lent us and it just changed a lot really quickly. It really helped. So we got home and she didn't like being home and I didn't like being home. And so we went to my parents for like over a month. And I was like, we're just going to take this time and we're just going to, we're going to, I'm just going to put it all in and we're just going to see if we can turn this around. And, you know, me, like her falling apart in front of my parents was like literally one of the hardest things. Like, because like, you know, I had always like tried to have my kids together when they were little and I couldn't control that in their house. So it was like all of a sudden, like, here I am, like, judge me, bring it all on. Like, do all the— it really brought up all the stuff. And it was just— but it was the most healing. We both became such better people through this process. And I don't know, it was just— it was just amazing. And the other thing I will say about it is it took time, obviously, right? So I'm lucky that I'm an entrepreneur and I could work for my parents. And I didn't— like, I didn't do a ton of, like, business building, but I kept my podcast going. I kept all my clients. And then I really focused on her, like in every other moment. And it was just an amazing, amazing process. Wow.

That is really fantastic.

And it was amazing and hard. I have to say that, like, because I mean, every day was very hard.

Yes, it is. And I'm glad you said that because it is hard. It's really, really hard. But it's also— there's so many pieces of what you just said that I was like, "Ah, yes." So very important, but hard. And I think it is really hard to— or really important to say it was hard And that's okay that it was hard. Yeah. Hard isn't bad. Hard is just hard. Right?

Yeah.

And I think that sometimes that's scary because hard—

Well, and sometimes hard— Well, so I was gonna say is sometimes hard was just like, my job today is to show up like fully loving this human. And actually I'm kind of, pissed off that this is happening and that I'm not home with my other two kids and my husband, you know, like, and so hard was really dealing with that within me, which had nothing to do with her, right? Like, correct. She was just going through what she was going through. And so that's what was really interesting is hard very rarely had anything to do with her. I mean, her own version of hard was going through her system. But if I really looked at my experience, it was all about what I was making it mean.

Right, right. And I think another piece of that, at least I found in our experience, and still find from time to time, is when it's— you feel like you just don't know the answer. You know, hard can be, I just am not quite sure what the next move needs to be, right? How do I best support this kid in this moment, right? What do they need from me? And then, you know, the other side of that heart is, right, taking that breath and pulling yourself together and doing it.

Yeah, and it's funny you say that because I found that like, I tell people sometimes that like that 8-month period, or I think it was like 8 months, felt like 10 years. But anyway, it was only like 8 months during that period. Like, I feel like I was present more percentage of every day than I had ever been in my whole life. You know, like, I feel like I probably lived in the present way more. And that was really the practice, because the second I could like really be in the moment and really be grounded, I knew exactly what to do next. But the second I got all dramatic, I was like, wait, I have no idea what I'm doing. Like, this is never going to work, right? But the second I could get present, it's like, oh, she needs to dance. Like, oh, you know, she needs a hug, you know, and you could just see, or, oh, she needs space, you know? And it was just like I kept getting those answers over and over again. And that the practice was really like, okay, we're here, we're now, what's next?

Right.

Exactly, exactly. Well, I know that is really, really hard, but I think that we often go through these things for a reason, right?

Yeah, absolutely.

And it sounds like you are, not only did you learn and grow and your daughter learned and grew, which I'm so happy that she is doing well now. You're using it to work with other people and to help other people. So can you talk a little bit about how your work has shifted a little bit because of this experience?

Yeah, I mean, I feel like the presence piece was huge. I mean, I just became— I think it upped my listening skills and my, you know, present skills more than ever. I also got myself really supported in the way that I would like to support. So I almost like had a model for, for, you know, how I show up and coach, which was quite fantastic. I've never been like, I've never felt so supported as during that time, which was such a beautiful experience. So it just made me want to give that back as much as possible.

Right.

So I think those are sort of the major, the major ways.

Some major ones. That's wonderful. So is there anything that you would like to share that you'd really like my audience to know?

Yeah, I mean, I think it's— I think just in that, you know, a lot of times when people look at what I'm saying or doing or whatever, it's, you know, well, I just don't have time for that. You know, I can't— I don't have that. I have a full-time job. Like, I don't have time to do this. Like, whatever it is. Or my kid isn't as cooperative or, you know, whatever. And that may be true, you know, and I think we just have more, we have more control than we think. Like we've, especially as women, you know, we've been so conditioned to give away control of our, and especially of our time, right? So it's like, and we've been told we have to choose all these times, right? So we have to choose between work and motherhood. We have to choose between our health and motherhood. You know, it's just like always, I feel like it's always choosing. So like, why would we show up as good mothers when it's like pretty much there's some sort of sacrifice? And I really believe we can have all of them if we have a plan. Like we just, it just takes some thinking and some understanding of what really matters to you or to us. You know, like what really matters as a person to us, which is different for everybody. Right. And just knowing that can be, you know, enough of a— that can really help us, you know, see what we need to be incorporating into our life, just deciding. And then we have to find time for it. So a lot of times I say that, you know, planning is just deciding in advance, or it's— I also like to think of it as like, you know, the thing about planning is we can plan from like really clean, good energy. So I'm not going to plan when I'm like all freaked out about something or I'm having a bad day. If I'm having a bad day and I'm supposed to be planning something like I'll go on a walk and I'll come back refreshed and then I can plan. So in general, when we're planning, our mind is really open or it should be, right? And we can control that more because we're— and so I like to think of it as like we're in the present moment thinking about what our future self really want. So it's like some level connecting to our future self. And then when we get to that moment, it's simply a gift from our past self to that person in that moment. Like we've, we're giving them a gift that we've already decided. And now we have to show up, like now we can fully show up. So one of the things I think we do in this whole world that we live in is that we, we get total decision fatigue. We're very busy. And so we can't, it's really hard to be in the moment and be really present with a kid or, you know, be like there's so much opportunity in that time. We like drive them places or we're sitting at the table or, you know, even just the energy of coworking. Like I'm on my computer, they're doing their homework. Like there's so much in that if we're not like also on the phone and like, you know, doing all these things. And I think if with a plan we can really, we can really clean that up so that we can just be in the moment and process any emotion we need to instead of, you know, numbing on the busyness.

Right. Well, and I think that's a very key point right there. You had said that earlier and I was like, that is something that is, we all, it's a very easy thing to do. It's a very easy thing to do. And it's easy to just let yourself kind of spin in that place of there's just so much, right?

Yeah. But, or even like respond to a situation with more busy because it's easier than just sitting with it there with your kid.

Always. Oh my goodness, it is. But I think we've all probably had a little taste of what it's like to be present, sit with, when it comes to our children, and then when it just comes to just planning in general. And I think about when I have— I'm a planner, so I always feel more calm and more grounded and more— and when I don't, that sends me— that's what sends me spinning, right? So it is an interesting—

go ahead. And when we're planning in sort of our world, we're thinking about like, all the things. So, right, you have your work, you have the food that's going to support how you show up to like your work and your family and all that. You have your family, you have your home. We also have what we call Om, which is like self-care, downtime, quiet, like that present time. Like we need to make space for all of it because otherwise we just— it's so much easier to stay busy. So if we fill it all, we'll just end up doing things instead of You know, really being conscious about, okay, great, we need to do this, but then we need to like be for a minute and like let it sink in and just have this rhythm of like, you know, out, in, out, in and really, you know, create the life that, that we want. That's for most of us isn't always busy. Right. If we're really clear about, you know, if we're coming from the inside instead of all the output we're getting, input we're getting from the outside world.

Right, right. All the external coming at us all the time.

All the time.

Which is a lot.

Yes, yes.

So it is helpful to be, you know, once you're kind of mindful of that, then you become, you just become more and more aware of it, right?

Yeah, yeah.

So then it just becomes easier to be able to say, I need about 30 minutes. Yeah, I just need to breathe, or I just need to— whatever it is that kind of fills you back up, right?

So, yeah, one of the things I feel super grateful for about that experience with my teen is actually that it happened during the pandemic because like it was this, you know, like there wasn't as much busy during that time. And so, yes, it caused a lot of pain, I think, for a lot of our kids. And if that was going to come out anyway at some point, I almost feel like it was a blessing that it happened in that moment, during that time.

Absolutely, absolutely. I could not agree with you more, um, as I had a similar experience with, with one of my daughters. So I, I remember thinking that, that same thing. That's so funny, just like You know, I— this is a little silver lining here. Um, so, oh my goodness. Well, can you let us know how we can find you if we, if we want to learn more about you? If we'd like to— I know that you have a masterclass and you offer coaching. I mean, you have a podcast. So let us know how we can, can find you.

Yeah, so the podcast is, you know, the most frequent situation, and it's called the Plan Simple Podcast, and you can hear it wherever podcasts are. Hopefully someday we'll get Heather on it. And we— if you go to plansimple.com, which is our website, there's a free class that's our practice for planning your days, and it's called From Overwhelm to Ease. And so that is available for anybody. And pretty much the only way that I work with people is in this amazing accountability program that we have. It's called Flow 365, and it's just like the planning and the follow-through, and it's just like a big loving hug to do all of that in a group instead of have to be by yourself all the time. So it's like everybody comes and goal sets, and then people— we have 4 coworking sessions a day to like get stuff done. Set our goals every Monday. It's just this beautiful program of, of support.

Wow, that sounds really, really lovely. Oh my goodness. Okay, well, I will put links for all of those and the show notes and make sure that it, it's super easy for people to reach out to you and to find you. And I'm just so glad that we connected, and this was such a lovely just reminder for all of us, just the importance of taking a moment, right? So, so thank you so much for being here.

Thank you so much for having me.

Thanks so much for joining me today. My goal is to make this journey a little easier for you. So reach out with questions or topics you'd like to hear me talk about. Check out the show notes for my email and website information. And if you love today's episode, I'd be so appreciative of a review. Until next time.

Thanks so much for joining Heather Hester today. Remember to just breathe. Take a few minutes every day to calm and center yourself. Reach out anytime with ideas, questions, or feedback. Please rate and review Just Breathe on your favorite platform. Subscribe to Heather's website, www.chrysalismama.com, to receive her monthly newsletter and stay informed. Join the private Just Breathe Facebook community to chat with other parents and allies, and share with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone.