#86 | Why “Just Be Yourself” Isn’t Enough — What LGBTQ Teens Actually Need From Their Parents

Welcome to Just Breathe Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child. My name is Heather Hester, and I am so grateful you are here. I want you to take a deep breath and know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the Just Breathe nest. Whether today's show is an amazing guest or me sharing stories, resources, strategies, or lessons I've learned along our journey, I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop having a cozy chat. Most of all, I want you to remember that that wherever you are on this journey, right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.

Welcome back, my friends. Thank you for sharing a few minutes of your day with me today. So while today's topic is doing a deep dive on Stage 2 of the coming out process, I first wanted to talk about, really respond to, some of the emails and the messages I've received from you all. If you've been listening for a while, you know that I rarely discuss politics or religion. My focus typically is solely on our kids, our families, and taking care of one another. And as you also probably know from listening, in the past 5 to 7 years, I have evolved a lot from living a life of judgment and narrow-mindedness, which is— hello, fear and control— totally to a belief system that respects the many beautiful differences that make up the humans on this planet. The human race is, to me, like a brilliantly colored, intricate piece of fabric, all of the threads signifying geography, and culture, race, religion, sexuality, gender identity, and so much more, all woven together. There have been times in our global history that have seen more collective peace and beauty, but now is not one of them. What is happening right now has been chronicled over and over throughout history. One group of people of a particular race, religion, geographic location, or all of the above believes that all other human beings should adhere to their belief system, that they are in some ways superior or divinely chosen or both. And when all other human beings push back, well, we're seeing it right now. Power, control and hate take over. I know so many of you are scared and angry, and rightfully so, and I am right there with you. I am too. And just like we fight with every fiber of our beings for our kids, we can use that, that fire in our bellies that to fight what is going on all across our country right now. These are loud voices who are using the power they currently have to attempt control, but they are small in number and they can be defeated. We all just need to continue coming together and organizing our efforts, and in that we will find that the statistics are in fact true. A majority of the country has belief systems that are more aligned with ours, and they will stand up with us. So in the show notes of this episode, and this is really important, I have put together a long list of organizations and events of all sizes that are happening across the country that we can join in to help, to make stronger, to either participate in or help fund or write letters, or— there's all types of things types of ways that we can get involved. I'm also going to put this in my Linktree and on my website, and I will continually update it as I learn of new ways that we can help. So moving on to today's topic, stage 2 of the coming out process. The more we understand, the better we can support our kids. Than our loved ones, right? Knowing there is a process and understanding how to recognize behaviors, and most of all, knowing how to support your child where they are in this process is absolutely one of the most life-enhancing things we've learned on this journey. As a quick recap, Stage 1 is identity and/or orientation confusion. Stage 1 of the coming out process looks like this: asking, "Who am I?" Rejecting and denying all thoughts, feelings, and attractions over and over until they reach some sort of acceptance. Feeling self-loathing, shame, depression, anxiety, anger, and isolation. And remember that this stage is almost completely internal. So what we need to look for are the behavioral clues from the feelings of what I just mentioned. Stage 2 of the Cass Identity Model is identity and/or orientation comparison. In this stage, our kids begin to wrap their heads around the possibility. They have moved from the denial of Stage 1 and are becoming acutely aware of and are beginning to acknowledge to themselves the truth of their realizations. I really don't like the word different, but that is the number one word kids use to describe how they feel. Connor included. Because of this, feelings of isolation and alienation are common, especially if they are afraid to tell us or don't have any peers who are or seem to be experiencing the same realizations. This is one of the many reasons it is so very important that our kids can see characters like them in books they read and in the movies and the TV shows they watch. This is why we fight book banning. They will also still wonder if it is just a phase, and I think it might even be more accurate to say that they hope it is just a phase. Remember, this is still likely all internal. They have not told anyone yet. They are taking note of all of the dialogue all around them. One of the potential many thoughts is, "Maybe this is this phase thing some people keep talking about." Finally, in this stage, they will look for an explanation. Why is a huge question right now. They may also want to start learning about sexual orientation and gender identity, and depending on their age, they may begin to look into LGBTQ community resources. If they are out, it is important to encourage them to talk about the loss of heterosexual life expectations. Allow them to grieve the change in their movie reel. Working through the many feelings and changes will allow them to move forward in a positive way. Since it is common that your child will experience this stage before they come out, it is important for you to know that you can walk back with them to this space and encourage them to talk through the many thoughts and feelings that they may have just stuffed down. The sooner they are able to do that, the more clarity they will have. I know it is really hard to see all of this when you are so close to everything that is going on, and coming out is not a smooth linear process as much as we would like for it to be. Give yourself the gift of a little space so you can more easily see where your child is. Any break from the intensity will work. Take a walk, meditate, drive in silence or with your favorite music blasting. Whatever helps you ground. If you feel stuck and you don't know what to say, Remember open-ended curiosity as your theme for questions. At the end of the day, our kids just want to know that we love them, that we see them, that we hear them, and that we have their back no matter what. Episodes on the rest of the stages of the coming out process for your child as well as the separate process for you will be coming in the, the weeks ahead. In the meantime, remember to check the show notes, my Linktree, or my website for information on all of the ways you can get involved. For more personal support, check out my course, Learning to Just Breathe. And remember that accompanying weekly office hours to answer any questions to help you process will be starting soon. Until next time.

Thanks so much for joining me today. If you enjoyed today's episode, I would be so grateful for a rating or a review. Click on the link in the show notes or go to my website, chrysalismama.com, to stay up to date on my latest resources, as well as to learn how you can work with me. Please share this podcast with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone, and remember to just breathe. Until next time.