#91 | Why the Coming Out Process Isn’t About You — What Every Parent Needs to Hear

Welcome to Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child. My name is Heather Hester, and I am so grateful you are here. I want you to take a deep breath and know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the Just Breathe nest. Whether today's show is an amazing guest, or me sharing stories, resources, strategies, or lessons I've learned along our journey, I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop having a cozy chat. Most of all, I want you to remember that wherever you are along journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.

Welcome to Just Breathe and welcome back, my friends. Thank you for sharing a few minutes of your day with me. I am so grateful you are here. I had a thought-provoking question posed to me last week, which I also found to be rather character revealing, and I wanted to pose it to you all and hear what you think. So the question came at the end of the discussion about a well-known person who is widely accepted to be quite brilliant, but also a pretty lousy human being when it comes to the way they treat people, as well as choices they have made. My daughter Isabel was with me and we both had a pretty negative view of this person. However, the person we were talking with felt that the brilliance of this person canceled out their questionable character. So the debate began. Would you rather be good or brilliant? Compassionate or powerful? Isabel and I maintain that you can be both. In fact, the world would be a better place if more people with those qualities were in leadership positions. But if you had to choose, which would it be? I imagine you can guess what my answer is, but I'd love to hear yours and why. So please shoot me an email or DM me on social media. I would love to know what you think. So today I am going to talk about the remaining 3 stages of the coming out process. I've decided to consolidate a bit because I've had so many incredible interviews lately that if I don't, we'll still be talking about stages in October. But before I jump in, I want to quick share the review I've chosen to read for this episode. Remember, if this is your review, DM or email me and I will send you a free copy of my Language of LGBTQIA+ ebook. If you've never left a review, I would be incredibly grateful for one now. So this particular review says, "So insightful. This podcast is so insightful and important to families today. I learn something new in each episode." "Thank you for putting out content to help families navigate through difficult times to help our children be the best versions of themselves. It means so much." Thank you, thank you, thank you to Society Hill Mom. I really appreciate it so very much. So let's do a quick recap of stages 1, 2, and 3 of the coming out process before we get into stages 4, 5, and 6. Stage 1 is identity and/or orientation confusion, and it looks like this: asking, "Who am I?" Rejecting and denying all thoughts, feelings, and attractions over and over until they reach some sort of acceptance. Feeling self-loathing, shame, depression, anxiety, anger, and isolation. And this stage is almost completely internal. So what you need to look for are the behavioral clues from the feelings I just mentioned. Stage 2 of the CAS Identity Model is identity and/or orientation comparison. And Stage 2 looks like this: beginning to accept the possibility feeling different, isolated, and alienated, still wondering and perhaps hoping that this is just a phase, looking and again hoping for an explanation. And if they are out, it is important to encourage them to grieve the change in their movie reel. Working through the many feelings and changes will allow them to move forward in a positive way. If they are not out yet, know that you can walk with them back to this space and encourage them to talk through the many thoughts and feelings that they may have just stuffed down. The sooner they are able to do that, the more clarity they will have. Stage 3 of the CAS Identity Model is Identity and/or Orientation Tolerance, and it looks like this. In this stage, they realize that they are not alone, and they begin to actively seek a gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender community or social group as a means of support. It is also within this stage that some may come to terms with parts of their orientation and/or identity but not fully embrace it. Leading them to live a double life. This can range from being totally benign to lots of self-loathing and shame and vacillating between who they are trying to figure out they are and the person they feel the world wants them to be. As I've stated in the last 3 coming out episodes, the more we understand the better we can support our kids and loved ones. Knowing there is a process and understanding how to recognize behaviors, and most of all, knowing how to support your child where they are in this process is absolutely one of the most life-enhancing things we've learned on this journey. So Stage 4 of the coming out process is identity and/or orientation Acceptance. In this stage, they begin to accept rather than just tolerate their identity and/or orientation. They also begin to form friendships with other LGBTQIA+ peers. I know these two sound very similar to what we saw in the previous stage, but think of it as being just further in their process. Moving in a positive direction. By this stage, they will have worked through resistance and anger if they felt either of those, and they'll be moving toward and embracing the fact that they can have a happy, healthy, fulfilling life. One of the elements that really helps and makes this stage unique is being able to see themselves in others. Whether it is peers or in the media or in literature or in the safety of in-person or virtual gatherings. When any person coming out, it doesn't matter how old they are, realizes that they are not alone in this world, the shift from denial and all of the difficult emotions that go along with the early stages to allowing themselves the possibility of joy and connection, oh my goodness, it's almost an audible sigh of relief as they realize that they will be okay. So it makes sense that this is the stage where they begin to come out to those close to them. My two reminders in this are: one, For those coming out, please make sure that you have at least one safe person and/or one safe place in your life. Your safety in all aspects of the word are so very important. And two, to parents and allies, remember that this is your child or loved one's story to tell. Have conversations around who, when, where, and why. This is an opportunity for connection for both of you. Stage 5 of the coming out process is identity and/or orientation pride. You will know they have arrived here for several reasons. First, you will see a shift in their actions and you will feel a shift in their energy. They have grown to a place where they feel a sense of pride in their sexual orientation and/or gender identity, and they want to let people know who they are. Their social political viewpoints become very much us versus them, gay versus straight. Remember, this is part of their process, part of learning about their community and broadening their viewpoints. As uncomfortable as this may be for you, remember this is their process, not yours. Encourage them to use their critical thinking skills, to ask questions, to be curious, to learn. You absolutely do not need to agree, but practice keeping that to yourself by silently repeating, "This is a healthy part of their process. This is not forever." That being said, it is likely that as they continue to embrace who they are and figure out where and how they fit in this world, their views will differ from yours. And that is okay. It is actually a lovely reflection of the support and autonomy you have given them over time. Know that this learning, shifting, and growing may bring up feelings of anger. And this is okay too. Anger is an informational tool. Encourage them to acknowledge it and work through the anger with you or a trusted professional. In doing that, they can learn healthy coping mechanisms and tools to manage both their internal and external realities. Resist that mama bear temptation and allow them to be in situations where they can learn and practice these skills. The 6th and final stage of the coming out process is identity and/or orientation synthesis. In this stage, they integrate sexual orientation and/or gender identity with all other aspects of self, realizing that their orientation and/or identity is one part of who they are, not the entirety. They are able to fluidly move through their life without defining spaces as gay or straight. Coming out as LGBTQ does not happen just once. It is a lifelong process of discovering, accepting, and sharing one's sexual orientation and/or gender identity with others. Working through these steps, even if it is back and forth multiple times, builds emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Most of all, having the tools and strategies gained from this process ends the pain of secrecy and isolation. Know that there is no one right way to go through this process. Every one of our kids is unique and will have their own experiences and feelings along the way. You may be uncomfortable with allowing this to be their process. Embrace that discomfort. Love and accept your child where they are at this moment in time. That is what they most want and need from us: love, acceptance, affirmation, being seen. I know that most of us are learning about these stages either after the fact or while our child is perhaps a bit further down the road, but remember, as the parent, you can always circle back to these stages and integrate this knowledge and the tools into wherever your child may be right now. Get to know your community resources as well. Check out the resource page on my website for an extensive list of more organizations and ideas. And reach out if you need help figuring out what you, your child, or your family needs. I love to chat with you one-on-one. I know it is hard to see all of this when you are so close to everything that is going on, and remember that coming out is not a smooth, linear process. It's messy. Give yourself the gift of a little space. So you can more easily see where your child is. Any break from the intensity will work. Whatever works for you. A walk, meditation, a drive in silence or with your music cranked. Whatever helps you ground and center. If you feel stuck and you don't know what to say, remember open-ended curiosity as your theme for your questions. And at the end of the day, our kids, remember, they just want to know that we love them and that we have their backs no matter what. Remember to check the show notes, my Linktree, or my website for information on all the ways that you can get involved in our nationwide effort to push back against all of the anti-LGBTQIA+ legislation and general hate-filled rhetoric that is popping up in more and more places. All of this is linked in the show notes and on my website. And finally, I hope that you are enjoying that Just Breathe is now producing a new episode every Tuesday. As I mentioned earlier, I have so many amazing guests lined up over the next few months that I'm excited to bring to you. And I also have another really cool solo series in the works. I also have a few new offers on the horizon, so stay tuned. Keep your eyes open and your ears open. I'm always grateful for your reviews, and if you know of anyone who is looking for a speaker, I would be delighted for the referral. Until next time.

Thanks so much for joining me today. If you enjoyed today's episode, I would be so grateful for a rating or a review. Click on the link in the show notes or go to my website, chrysalismama.com, to stay up to date on my latest resources as well as to learn how you can work with me. Please share this podcast with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone. And remember to just breathe. Until next time.