#93 | 5 Ways Parents Can Support LGBTQ Gender Exploration With Courage, Guidance, and Connection

Welcome to Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child. My name is Heather Hester, and I am so grateful you are here. I want you to take a deep breath and know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the Just Breathe nest. Whether today's show is an amazing guest, or me sharing stories, resources, strategies, or lessons I've learned along our journey, I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop having a cozy chat. Most of all, I want you to remember that wherever you are this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.

Welcome back to Just Breathe, everyone. I am thrilled that you are here today, and I am absolutely so excited for the interview that you are about to listen to. Ray McDaniel was on a few years ago, and you all may remember because It is a favorite episode of all of yours, and I am just thrilled to have this conversation with them. And there's so much that just has been happening that we're going to discuss and that they will update you on. So without further ado, Ray, I'm so thrilled you're here, and I would love to just start off by talking gender freedom.

Yes, so I am thrilled to be back. We had such a great conversation a couple years ago, so I'm, I'm just excited to dive in. What do you want to know about gender freedom? Let's, let's dig in.

It is a big topic. Yes, and one that we will circle back to many times during this conversation. But you have written this new book, and it is your work is all around, and I think this is a broad term, right? We're using gender freedom as a very broad term, but really encompasses your work, which is a little more specific. You work with non-binary and transgender individuals. And so I'm guessing, and I would love to know if this is how you're kind of framing this, right, as gender freedom, as people are exploring Right, that is—

you are right on track. So my book Gender Magic is based on a model that I created called the Gender Freedom Model that is talking about how do we help people explore and transition, if that's what they want to do, their gender with more play, pleasure, and possibility. And you're right that this is a topic and an idea that goes far beyond just folks who are trans or non-binary. You know, we all get put into this tiny little box of gender when we are born, and we have all of these expectations that go along with it. And so many people never really take the time to question, hey, is how I am expressing my gender— does it really feel authentic to me? Are there ways that I am holding myself back or limiting myself where I could be experiencing more freedom and more pleasure in my life? So I love framing the conversation about gender transition within this larger idea of gender freedom. It's something for all of us regardless of how we identify our gender.

I'd love that because it does give, um, permission.

Exactly.

And I think it's one of those things too where, you know, to your point, for as long as we can all remember, it, it has been such a binary and a check the box and you don't even really think about it. You don't really think about how much you align with the box that is checked. And so, or to think about gender in a very nonlinear way, and that throughout your life you are going to identify in, in very different ways.

Yeah, exactly. You know, we think of— well, let me back up. If we think about teenagers, they try on, try on a lot of identities, right? Some of them stick, Some of them don't. That is a very, very normal part of identity exploration for everybody. And we don't put so, so much pressure on teenagers exploring pretty much any other facet of their identity to decide with a capital D. We give teenagers and young adults a lot of freedom to explore themselves in many, many different ways. But somehow when it comes to gender, we get very panicky, very quickly about, oh goodness, this person is exploring gender. Whoa, gender. And I like to invite people into the idea that we might name our gender in different ways over our lifetime. We might, you know, experience it in different ways, and we might express it in different ways over our lifetime. And that is also a very normal part of self-growth. No, just like any other part of identity, some people might understand those things about themselves very early in life and other people, you know, it might shift and change over their lifetime. I know that was my experience of it.

Right. Well, and I think too, I mean, a lot of that, there's so many factors that go into that, right? Um, you know, the way you were raised, where, where you were raised, all these different different types of things. And I love that you use the word panicky because that's what we were talking about earlier before we started recording, which is, I mean, again, it's like spot on, but it is that feeling. And, and I had shared kind of specifically with my third child who was actually on— I did a gender fluid panel at the beginning of this year and they were on and a couple other people and, you know, they're able to be very articulate about this, which I find so beautiful and wonderful. And then, you know, as other parents discuss what, you know, what their child is experiencing, and even as my husband and I are experiencing this with them, it is— it's panic. I mean, that's the total thing. And I— this is— I'm doing this every single day, and I still have these moments of Did I get their pronoun right? Is it they? Because they use all three, so I have to check in. And so I guess kind of what I'd love to know from you is for all of the people out here who are panicking, what are your words of wisdom for how not to panic, how to approach the— if their child is using he/they or she/they or he/she/they, how to approach that in a way that is, I want to learn, I want to understand, I want to support you, and I'm just a little bit slow, so please forgive me.

I love that you brought this up, and to be a little tongue-in-cheek, just breathe is literally the first thing I would say. You know, whenever we have a panicky moment, like take a breath. It's, it's gonna be okay. What I'm hearing is that we're talking about two different types of panic. So there's panic number one, which is, oh no, my child is exploring gender and gender is a big deal, which we can take a breath. And if we come to the conversation with a lens of gender freedom, Gender is just one part of our identity that we will explore and learn more about over our lifetime, just like any other part of our identity. So it's really not that big of a deal for anyone to start exploring that for themselves, no matter what the outcome of that exploration. Panic number 2, which I love that you brought this up, is a panic over, oh no, I'm gonna screw up. I care. I'm an ally. I'm an advocate. And I'm not always going to get it right. And I may use the wrong language or accidentally use the wrong pronouns. So the thing I would say to that is to, to slow down. First of all, a lot of that panic, and I'll use myself as an example. I have such severe name panic when making introductions. And this isn't even about like a transgender identity. I will have somebody that I have known for like 10 years. I know their name deep in my soul. I know it. But you ask me to introduce them to somebody else at a party, and suddenly my brain is like, oh no, I don't know names. What are words? And I just can't do it. I can't do it. I'm so bad at it. Um, and it's because I want to get it right, and my brain is like, oh no, don't screw it up. I think that people get in the same place when it comes to using pronouns. So when you slow down, you're able to just kind of cut that, that panic response a bit and just be a little bit more mindful. It's okay if it feels a little abnormally slow to you. That is you getting your brain into the practice of using new pronouns for somebody. Of being thoughtful about using multiple pronouns that feel the most congruent for somebody that day. So a lot of it is about, number one, giving yourself permission and accepting that you will make mistakes and it doesn't make you a bad person. Correcting it if you do, right? Do your own learning, correct it in the moment, apologize if you need to. And just slow down in the future, which is a very, very basic thing, but it's very powerful, right?

Oh my goodness. See, actionable. Thank you. Actionable, actionable, and not— and not the big deal that we all make it out to be. I like that there is kind of a theme of permission going here, so I'm going to keep going with that because I want to I want to circle that back a little bit to the whole discussion around the permission to explore gender, a, and that, that exploration is something that is not specific to an age or time in life, that that is something that really is, is lifelong. So as you work with people and as you kind of guide introduce this? How do you introduce this so in a way that people are like, oh yeah, I need to learn more about this, I need to know this, because this is such a hot topic and, and a lot of getting a lot of negative icky stuff, um, which is really nice way to say it, but How do we, you know, how do you approach this as you're doing your teaching?

It kind of depends on the audience. So if someone is starting out from nothing, I will usually talk about the, the huge diversity of biological sex and biology and how we have this entire assumption of a gender system that is a binary gender system built upon an assumption that there are two fundamentally different biological sexes. And in Gender Magic, I have an entire chapter that is debunking this myth and inviting people in to consider the vast diversity that we already know about biology, and that we are continuing to learn about biology. And I like to use the metaphor of Once upon a time, there was this guy named Galileo who made a really, really wild claim that, you know, the entire universe did not revolve around the Earth, that in fact we on Earth revolved around the sun. He was excommunicated. He was under house arrest for the rest of his life for saying something that the, the science of the day and the kind of religious structure of the day, I will say the, the Catholic Church was saying, no, this is so out of line with how we understand the world that it has to be wrong because we cannot imagine this, right? I think we are in the same place right now where we are learning so much more about biology, about gender, about what it means to exist as humans in the world And our, our science is catching up to it. Our understanding of what it means to be humans in the world and our place in it is catching up to that. So we're seeing a backlash right now because it shakes the foundations of what we think we know for sure. So I like to start there. That's my little soapbox. I like that. Yeah. And then I move on to talking about gender transition and gender exploration as just simply a part of self-growth. It is transitioning into the most authentic version of us. And I don't know about you, but I plan to never arrive at the most authentic version of me, right? Because that means that you stop changing, you stop growing, and I never want that in my life. Um, so it's always something that we get to negotiate within ourselves that we get to understand more of. And it is certainly not a cause for, for panic. It can be a really beautiful part of authenticity and understanding ourselves. Right.

Well, and I think it's one of those things that we, many people do not realize is even available to them. Right. It's one of those, you know, you don't know what you don't know. And once you start learning, once you start kind of peeling away these layers and realizing, oh, I mean, for many people, it's that again, going back to the word permission, but I'm allowed to do this. I'm allowed to grow in this way. I'm allowed to like consider these other thoughts and, and consider all these things. So I think, you know, this is one more beautiful thing. And, and I love the way that you framed that because that is, I'm always trying to think of, you know, as we discuss this, not, you know, you have your discussions like within your families, right? You have with people who are peers, you have discussions with people who are younger, you have discussions with people who are older, and there's all different, you know, varying belief systems there, right? And, and rates of understanding. And, and so I love that this is a very, um, the way that you have framed this is in a way that is so easy to understand because it relates to something that we already know to be true. And it just makes total sense because with anything, with any big change, there's always a huge uproar, right? People are resistant. People are freaking out. And, you know, there's of course all these different layers to what's going on right now as well. But that just is— I don't know where my point was there. I kind of lost it in the middle of just kind of being like, wow, this is so cool. Because I— what I like is that especially people who are a little bit older, I think for our, you know, Gen Zers, definitely the Gen Alpha, like, they're just— they've got this, right?

They're, they're on point.

They are. Like, there's no— they're like, why are you talking about this so much? Stop talking. Whereas, you know, Millennials are awesome. Gen Xers are like, we're, we're catching up and we're getting it, we're just a little bit slower. But I think that this is great information for because it's like that, oh my gosh, like I'm allowed to think this way. I'm allowed to consider this and I'm allowed to continue growing. Like that wasn't just for my teen years or my, when I was in college and then it's just, well, that's who I am, right?

Exactly.

How cool is that?

I love that permission idea. And one of the things that is so magical to me about gender magic, if you will, and gender freedom, is that it, it is about intention, not necessarily changing anything about yourself. Not for everybody. For some people, it might mean changing a lot about yourself. But for other people, it, it just means being able to relate to your gender with more intention. So one of the people who was helping me on the, the backside for editorial things with the book was talking to me as, you know, she was reading it, she was learning things as she went. And she was like, you know what, I realized that I had never actually considered my gender. So I took a moment, and I went through the exercises in the book. And I realized that I am in fact a cisgender woman. And I have no doubts about that. And I love being in this kind of traditional way of expressing that. I love heels and dresses, and that feels good. And so it gave me permission to dive even deeper into affirming my own cisgender gender, and to be able to relate to that part of myself with so much more intention and owning that this is who I am authentically.

Right. And you don't ever think about that. No, that's not something that we think about typically in a very conscious way. Um, so the fact that you've even given exercises in this book for us to go through is awesome. Um, because I, I think this is just a fun, interesting way to really not only relate to yourself but be able to relate to other people and to have conversations around this in a way that just opens this up. And I think anytime that you, you know, have these conversations and offer this education, I mean, that's what gets rid of the fear, right?

Exactly.

So this kind of just leads into, you know, the thing that I'm really dying to talk to you about, which is when we talked a little bit about this earlier, but how to really— there's a lot of discussion. Um, I think that's a nice way of saying that's a very mild way of saying that there is a lot of ugliness. Let's just like, just there's hate, there's misinformation, there is, there are terrifying things that are going on legislatively to other human beings, just violence, flat-out violence that's occurring. And so In your work, this is a very, very important piece of work that people, you know, kind of to this very last point, having knowledge is one of the biggest and easiest ways to dispel fear.

Exactly.

How do you approach all of this that's going on? Do you approach all of this that's going on? I know you do. So how do you do it? And, and do it in a way that is teaching and not allowing yourself to get kind of tangled in the ugliness of it all?

Such a good question, and I think there's so much in there to unpack. I mean, we know that 2022 and now 2023 have record numbers of anti-trans legislation that has been passed, that is trying to be passed, primarily targeting trans youth, but now we're seeing what really we expected to happen all along, which is expansion of that to target trans adults and to be able to minimize or completely keep them from being able to access medically necessary medical services. So it's very scary. It's very, very scary. We are seeing an uptick of hate. In Gender Magic, you know, it's really interesting, Heather, because I started writing this book in early 2021. So the landscape has changed a lot since I have started writing the book, and I had to update the introduction at the very end of the process because of everything that has been happening. And a big tenet of the— of Gender Magic is, hey, I want to help people explore and transition their gender with less suffering and more ease, and to bring more pleasure and joy and connection into that process. And there was a part of me that looked at everything going on and said, what am I doing? You know, how, how can I sit here and say that gender transition can be easier and can be full of joy when we are sitting in this sort of political atmosphere. But when I stepped back, it really hit me that the, the message of gender magic and bringing more joy and pleasure and connection into people's lives and more authenticity is more relevant than ever. Because in the middle of everything that is going on, that is hard and violent in many ways, trans folks and allies have to be able to connect to themselves, to each other. We have to be able to, to have at least moments, if nothing else, where we are experiencing pleasure in our bodies, where we're experiencing joy, because otherwise, what are we fighting for if not to live full and loving and healthy and joyful and connected lives? So I think that message connects us to our why in a huge way that I think is part of the fuel for how do we get through this really, really tough time? How do we recharge ourselves? And what do we do? And maybe that's not a complete thought, but I'm going to stop, stop there for now.

No, I actually think it is a complete thought, very much so. And perhaps not where either of us thought you would end up. But I think that it perhaps is the— is very wise, wise advice and just wise thinking as, because this isn't going to end anytime soon. So I always think of like, you know, we have, there are options. There's always options. We always have choices, right? So we could choose to get completely, you know, wrapped up and angry all the time and just like, you know, trying to fight anger with anger, right? Which we all know is not effective at all. This is a great reminder that taking that breath, right?

Yeah.

Being educated on the subject and presenting it in a way that is, I think kindness is always a little disarming to those who are so fueled by hate, right? So putting this out there and just like this kind of consistent, like, well, here's— this is just the truth, right? And kind of paired with that is the connection piece because that is so important, right? Just connecting with all of the people. Yeah, right. All, all of those who are, you know, and, and there's many people who just can't. So I feel like that's You know, I think that's kind of the job of allies right now, especially is there are a lot of people who, if this is, they are frozen by, you know, just fear and they, they can't do anything. So it is everyone else's job to step in and get, get moving in whatever way, shape, or form they can.

And I love that you said that because it's so true. That this is a huge place where allies can step up. You know, trans people are going to be involved, of course, and we're tired. We're really tired. Um, I get Google alerts that I have set up like every day and every week, and it has been an onslaught of anti-trans legislation, which is to speak to the question of how do we handle this Being able to step away from the media. Sometimes it's very easy to get into a doom scroll spiral. So getting the information you need because it's important to stay informed, but also shutting it down, like not doom scrolling all the time and creating space for— to recharge yourself too. But this is definitely a moment where advocacy and loud advocacy really, really matters. Now, talking to your legislature folks— that was not a way to say that— talking to your lawmakers, um, legislator folks, I don't know, those people, those people that make the laws, those people, uh, talk, talk to them. Let them know where you stand. Um, have conversations with people who are on that, that fence of interested and curious, but maybe don't have all the information that they need.

Right.

You know, there is a place for anger in all of this. Of course, there's a lot to be angry about. And when you let that anger eat up your entire life, I don't think it's useful anymore.

Right. Exactly. Exactly. And I think that's also a very, very good point is the people that are really the ones that are potentially going to, you know, kind of be tipping points are those who are curious, are those who are, you know, maybe have never really thought about it up until now. And now it, right. It's not the people who are spewing the hate because that's, you're just going to be butting your head against a wall with that.

There's no point.

There's no point there and you're just going to be defeated and upset and, you know, and that's just kind of pointless. But it is those, you know, people in your, in your life and around you. And so it doesn't have to be, you know, going to your capital or to, you know, marching in the city square, although if that's something you want to do, by all means do it. Um, but it is talking to those who, who are just like, I want to know more. Tell me more. Where can I learn more information? Um, and that's, that's what's going to make a difference. Exactly. So yeah, thank you for weighing in on that because I think that, I mean, I know for sure I have been careful in the way that I've begun to engage in a very public way, um, about this. And I know that I'm not the only one that has been thinking, how, how can I handle this in the very best way? Right? Like, how do I do this well? So thank you for your thoughts on that. I am so thrilled. I'm so thrilled that you are. I just loved— and we've already talked about the book a lot, but I'm wondering if there are, um, some pieces of this, of Gender Magic, that you really use within your practice, because you do have a practice as well in Chicago. I do, uh, that you work with non-binary and transgender people kind of through their, their process and adults, right?

Yep.

You only work with young adults and older, correct? Okay. So, um, I mean, this is phenomenal. So if anybody is in the Chicagoland area, this of course will be all linked and you have to, to check out, um, Ray's work and, and what they do. But I'm wondering if you could really kind of circle back to working with these, these wonderful humans, how do they kind of come to you? And then what is your process of really helping them connect with who they are meant to be in this world? Right.

Ooh, good question. And a big question as well. So I've gotten people at a lot of different places in their journey. I will say that I tend to get a lot of folks who are pretty early on. In their, their journey. They're asking questions like, am I trans? Am I non-binary? Which, you know, once I kind of dig into that, typically what that question means is, am I trans enough? Do I deserve to be able to, to be my authentic self in the world? Which is— that is an interesting kind process to walk people through. I don't find— I don't think it has ever happened to me that someone has come into my office and said, am I trans? And the answer ended up being no, because most people who are asking that question have enough information to ask that question. So typically, don't— people don't end up in my office unless The answer is eventually yes to that.

Yes.

So when someone comes in and they are, are just starting to explore themselves, I make sure that I let them know that there is no agenda here. I talk about the way that I think about gender exploration and transition, which is all about that self-growth, right? That I have no attachment to where they end up, except that I want them to be the most authentic version of themselves that they can be. And from there, we will typically walk through, well, what do you know for sure? So if your question is, am I trans? That's too big. That is not a helpful question at all. It's way, way too complicated. I like to get the questions down to, do you, um, for example, If you have a close friend and they use this set of pronouns for you, does that feel good? Does it feel not good? Are you not sure? In a similar way, do you feel lit up if you wear a certain type of clothing versus another type of clothing? So I view it as if you can imagine at the eye doctor, you know, where they have the like, can you see better with this one or this one or this one or this one? And you have to go back and forth about a million times, and you're right, you're just like zoning in on the data that is important to you in these really small little ways. That is the process. Does this feel good or does this feel better? Does this feel good or does this feel better? And you slowly build on that information so that you are able to make decisions that you feel confident about. Regarding your own gender identity and your own body and how you want to express that to the world. Another thing that I bring into my work quite a bit, and I should say that the, the Gender Freedom Model and my process of working with people is not linear at all. It's about core pillars that we will come back to a million times in different ways. And those core pillars, like I mentioned earlier, are play, pleasure, and possibility. So the, the this or that that I'm talking about, the kind of eye doctor, does this feel good or does this feel better? That's part of play, right? We're just going to experiment. We're just going to see what we learn. There is no way to fail because we're just learning things about ourselves. That's it, right? Pleasure brings in this idea of We all deserve to feel pleasure in our body. And then if we so desire to connect with other people's bodies, how do we connect with ourselves and those other bodies in ways that feel really good and really affirming for us? Building on that is possibility, which brings in chosen family. Who are our support system? Who has our back, and how do we develop more of that intimacy in our lives? And then how do we take everything that we've learned about gender and ourselves and apply it to all these other aspects of our lives? How do you apply learning how to name and express boundaries, learning more about how you want to show up in the world, learning more about what feels good and what doesn't. How do you take all of that and apply it to relationships and work and housing? And what hobbies or things light you up in the world? How do we focus on creating a full life beyond thinking about gender all the time? Because that gets boring, frankly.

Yeah, well, it's just one piece. It's one tiny piece, right, that just happens to be under a spotlight and a microscope at the same time.

Exactly, exactly.

And that's interesting, you know, listening to like the number of just extraordinary possibilities. I think just that bit alone, like, I would love every human being on this planet to hear that because it is so like if they could actually hear it, shows the vastness of the possibilities. There's not just two, right? There are— and, and every single human being relates to that in a tiny different way, right? Like there's just something that's just a little bit different each person. Um, and the the way that you pose all of that in a way that's not threatening, that isn't scary, that isn't, oh, I need to, like, pressure to make a decision. Like, there's no decision making. It's all just like, what, you know, what do you feel most connected to? So it really allows the person to get into that space of being super connected because each question comes back to that. Absolutely.

And people do make a lot of big decisions and sometimes decisions that affect their body permanently. And when you approach it from this place of play and one tiny step at a time and just learning more about what it means to be authentically you, you're able to come to those decisions with a lot more confidence. You're sure when you understand your own bodily autonomy and what you might want, there's not nearly as much self-doubt or fear. And that makes a huge difference in someone's experience of exploring themselves and their gender.

Absolutely. I mean, Once again, information that the entire world needs to know because I think there's such a misconception of, you know, you can walk into your local urgent care and be like, hey, feeling like I need some gender-affirming surgery today. Can you load me up on whatever you have? I mean, I mean, there's like the amount of misinformation just in that statement. I know, I know. We're both laughing, but it's not far off from what people out there think. So this is really, really valuable education for all of us to really understand and take in and think about. This is how it works. And how cool is that? And how lucky are all these people to have you? Oh my goodness.

Thank you.

And that you just— yeah, this work that you're doing is so special.

It feels special. It really, really does. Wow.

I mean, you're a gift, and you are a gift at exactly the right time in history.

You know, that's what I'm hoping for. I think that gender magic has a lot of possibilities to, to really shift this narrative in ways that I think are really profound. And I'm certainly not the first person to say a lot of this, but I'm the first person to say it in my voice. And I'm hoping that that speaks to as many people as humanly possible and that we can begin to shift this really scary narrative that is happening in the world today.

Right. Well, just as that, as those narratives take fire and just roll, right? Which, that was a dumb way of saying that, but you all know what I mean. This is what we want to do with this book. And this book is being released today. So, can't believe it. I know. As Rae and I are recording, we realized this is the official release day. The book is being released. So I think that this this is just— let that be part of what we all do as the Just Breathe community is get this book into as many hands of people as we possibly can. And whether that's by sharing the link that's, you know, in the show notes or buying copies and handing it out to every person, you know, you know, whatever we have to do, because this is really— and, and it's presented in a way that is not— and I think this is the other really beautiful piece about what you do is it's presented in a way that is not in your face or, you know, where one who perhaps is either on the fence or believes differently would feel threatened.

Yeah, it is not an angry book. It is a book about joy and pleasure and connecting to yourself and other people. And so I hope that that gets through to people. And thank you. Thank you so much for sharing this with your audience and for all the listeners out there who are, are going to support. It makes a big, big difference.

It does.

It does.

I mean, it's the whole pebble theory, right? The ripple theory. Once again, what is wrong with me today? I've come up with the weirdest ways of saying things.

I'm right there with you.

The pebble that makes the ripple. That's what this is. So we're going to do that. And, um, I'm a firm believer in that. So is there anything else that you would love to just share while we're chatting? I feel like this is such precious time because, you know, I, I won't get you back on here for like a year. Yes. Um, I'm excited.

I'm so excited. So I think the thing I'd like to leave people with is that I truly believe that the world is better when as many of us as possible, all of us, have the ability to walk around as our most authentic, lit up selves. And that's my mission, and I'm doing it through the lens of gender freedom. That's certainly not the only lens, but I invite you to join me in that mission to help create a world where people are free to be themselves, truly themselves, free from fear and free from shame, because that makes the world a better place.

I could not agree more. I would love to— if you have any advice or wisdom to share with either a young person who is kind of exploring their, their gender, whether it's you know, just their gender in general, and/or the parent of a young person who is exploring their gender, what would you like to share with them?

Sure. So I can speak to both. If I were to talk to a parent, all you parents out there, I would say that the basics go a really long way, which is great news because that is low-hanging fruit. Working on getting someone's name, their pronouns and gendering them correctly, it— you're 80% of the way there, which is awesome news. The other thing I would say is especially important right now is to be a loud supporter of loved ones who are exploring gender or transitioning gender or have transitioned, and to advocate for their needs. We're in a world where that's really hard right now, and in many areas of the country, and we need loud advocates because we're, we're tired. We don't want to do it all ourselves. Um, so we, we really need you to, to be there and to stand up. And for any young person that is listening who is exploring gender or coming out, I would say in the realm of coming out think about the who, what, when, where, and how. And what I mean by that is develop a plan of how you need, and in particular, you need to feel safe and supported in the process of sharing with others about your identity. So maybe that means bringing somebody on board, a close friend, or someone that you can reasonably expect will be supportive before you have conversations with people that might, that are a little bit more questionable of if they will be supportive, or you, you kind of know that they're probably not going to be. So it's helpful to have that support system in your back pocket before you, you put yourself out there in a way that might feel emotionally unsafe. The other thing that I would say is, remember that discomfort isn't harm. You know, making someone else, or I should say someone else being uncomfortable simply because you shared who you are, or you're expressing who you are to them. That's not your problem.

No.

That is about them and their own discomfort and their own biases. You are not a burden for being yourself. That is absurd to think. So I just invite you into that idea that being you in the world is not a burden, and asking people to simply respect who you are in the world is a pretty small ask.

Mm-hmm. It really, really is. Thank you for saying that because I, um, so two things there that I just wanna kind of highlight really quickly, which is it is, it is not, that is something I say a lot. It is not about you. It is about them. Do not take that on. That's not yours to take on.

Exactly.

Right. Be you. Oh my goodness. And, um, and circling back to the whole parent piece, um, thank you. I think one of the biggest things that parents are looking for and allies and advocates are looking for is direction.

Yeah.

What can we do? And so that's, people are ready and they want to be helpful. They just don't know what to do or how to do it. So that is, you know, a directive, a great directive. So thank you. Thank you so much.

Of course. And I think the very simple thing, if you don't know what to do, is to ask your loved one what they need. I think we forget that step sometimes.

Right. Well, I think a lot of times we feel like we just know, right? If we're the parent or the friend or the, you know, well, we just know what that person needs. And, and it's so important to ask, um, because I've been surprised many times with the answer. Not what I thought. Okay. Right. Yep. So it's good. It is, it is a good thing to do. Um, and it's okay if you haven't done it yet. Don't beat yourself up. Just start doing it.

That's exactly— shame doesn't help. Let's—

it does not help. And, you know, we're all so good at doing that to ourselves. It's not helpful. We don't— don't waste energy on that. Um, so anyway, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. It has been So awesome to have you here and just having this conversation that I was looking forward to.

So thank you so much for having me. As always, a delight talking to you.

Thanks so much for joining me today. If you enjoyed today's episode, I would be so grateful for a rating or a review. Click on the link in the show notes or go to my website, chrysalismama.com, to stay up to date on my latest resources as well as to learn how you can work with me. Please share this podcast with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone and remember to just breathe. Until next time.