Affirming Your LGBTQ Child Is Just the Beginning: Unlearning to Love Deeper

Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester. Let's get started. Welcome to More Human, More Kind and this very special Pride Month series, 5 Lessons from Parenting with Pride. I'm Heather Hester and I'm so glad that you are here. This is the fourth of 5 transformative lessons I've learned through writing Parenting with Pride and more importantly, through living it, through loving, raising, and advocating for my LGBTQ+ children. So whether you are a parent, an ally, or someone who simply wants to better understand how to lead with compassion and clarity in a very divided world, this series is for you. So let's take a deep breath and begin. When Connor came out, I thought I moved quickly from surprised to ready. I was affirming. I was open-minded and curious, but I quickly learned that affirmation is not the same as unlearning. Unlearning is deeper. It's uncomfortable. It means holding a mirror up to the beliefs you absorbed without questioning. The ones handed to you by your family, your religion, your community. Or even the media. One of the first thoughts that popped in my head when Connor told us he was gay was, there is no way my kid is going to hell. It was such a defining moment because yay for tapping into my soul knowledge and knowing without question that those absorbed beliefs weren't in fact true, but OMG for the discomfort that followed, I had to reckon with all that I had been taught, all of the belief systems that I had absorbed or adhered to up to that point for various reasons, including but not limited to survival. I had to honestly face my assumptions about gender and sexuality, about what it meant to be a quote unquote, good parent, about what success and safety looked like for my kids. And I realized that so much of it was about me. I had made it about me, not about them. And actually worse, I had made it about those who came before me, my parents, grandparents, and so on. I had to sit through the excruciating discomfort and at times deep, deep pain of removing my blinders, opening my eyes, truly awakening to what was going on around me, stripping away those beliefs one by one. I had to pay attention to how I was feeling, how Connor was feeling, how Steve and Isabel and Grace and Rowan were feeling, what everyone's experience was in those moments. And even though this was really heavy work, I actually felt remarkably lighter. Unlearning isn't about shame. It's about liberation. It's about letting go of what no longer serves us so we can build relationships that are rooted in truth, in authenticity, in being human. Our kids don't need us to be perfect. In fact, they don't want us to be perfect. They want and need us to be present and real with them. And sometimes that means saying, oh my gosh, I was so wrong. Or wow, I see it completely differently now. Or holy cow, I had no idea. It also means getting really clear on our values, what we stand for. And this is no easy task. If you're like me and you held onto or have held onto those inherited belief systems from childhood for any number of reasons that we will just explore in another episode, then connecting and deeply aligning with your values, your truth, is going to take some time. Be gentle with yourself and don't force it. Take small moments every day to journal or make lists of beliefs you want to let go of and values that feel aligned. Here is a quick exercise that I actually still do every single day for different things, but you can do this to help you with this process of letting go of beliefs and aligning with values. So take a piece of paper or a notebook, sit down, get comfortable, and close your eyes. Take 3 really, really long, deep breaths, breathing in all the way to your belly and fully exhaling. Take your focus inward and one at a time, bring a belief to mind. Mentally say it over and over and let your body feel it. Pay attention to how it feels in your body. Does it feel hot or cold? Do all of your muscles tense up, or do you feel really relaxed and at ease? Does your sense of fight or flight prickle? Or does it feel like a safe, warm hug? Do this with 2 or 3 beliefs every single day and record all of your thoughts and feelings on the paper or in the notebook when you open your eyes before you move or do anything else. This is the work of internal alignment. It can't stop with this though. Parenting with pride also means becoming an advocate. Not just for our kids, but for every kid, every human who deserves to grow up safe, to be safe, to be seen, and to be celebrated. Our kids are watching how we speak up at school board meetings, how we respond to anti-LGBTQ+ rhetoric. How we vote, how we use our privilege to challenge systems and create change. Take a moment to consider if there are places in your life that you are holding back your voice when it's time to speak up. I totally get that advocacy can feel nerve-wracking at first, but remember, being an ally doesn't have to be flashy or loud. It can look like sending an email to a school about inclusive curriculum or correcting someone's hurtful language. It can look like donating to LGBTQ+ youth organizations or choosing inclusive books and media in your home and then encouraging your local libraries and independent bookstores to carry them too. It can look like talking to your extended family, even when it's hard. Your voice matters. Your showing up matters. And your courage gives other people permission to be brave too. So now it's time for today's listener query. This segment will be an ongoing part of every solo episode where I will answer questions from you. I'm starting with the most common questions I've heard over the years, but consider this your official invitation to email me with your most burning questions. Today's listener query is one that I have heard consistently over the years. Those steeped in anti-LGBTQ+ rhetoric seem to think it is a mic drop statement. But I beg to differ. Here it is: "The rainbow is a sign of God's covenant with humanity, not a sign of pride." And here is my response: It's true, the rainbow has held deep meaning across cultures and faith traditions for centuries. For some, it represents God's covenant with humanity after the flood. A promise of life, renewal, and hope. That meaning is beautiful, and it still holds value. For the LGBTQ+ community, the rainbow also has become a powerful symbol of pride, protest, and visibility. In 1978, artist and activist Gilbert Baker designed the first rainbow pride flag to represent the beauty and diversity of queer identity. Each color was chosen with intention: life, healing, sunlight, harmony, and more. At a time when LGBTQ+ people were being silenced and erased, the rainbow said, "We are here. We are whole. We are worthy of joy." It's important to know that the rainbow is just one of many LGBTQ+ symbols alongside the pink triangle, which was once used to persecute and has now been reclaimed in resistance. Also alongside the trans flag, the intersex flag, and the Progress Pride flag. These symbols have grown out of real histories. Of pain, resilience, and the ongoing fight for dignity and rights. Symbols can carry more than one truth. The rainbow doesn't belong to any one group. It reflects many things: promise, hope, diversity, healing. In LGBTQ+ spaces, it's not about taking something sacred away. It's about finding something sacred in being seen, in being loved, and in being free. Here are today's key takeaways: Unlearning is not failure, it's evolution. What belief or story are you ready to unlearn? 2, internal transformation must lead to external action. Where are you called to be more vocal, more brave, more values-aligned? And 3, your advocacy creates ripples of safety and possibility for your child and so many others. What kind of world do you want your child and every child to grow up in. Thank you for joining me for today's reflection in this special Pride Month series, Five Lessons from Parenting with Pride. If this episode resonated with you, I invite you to share it with a friend and definitely subscribe so you can catch new episodes every Tuesday and Friday. Pride Month is a great time to find out what kind of ally you are. So click on the link in the show notes to find out your ally superpower. Until next time, keep showing up, stay curious, and never underestimate the power of your presence. Happy Pride!