Are You a Performative LGBTQ Ally? Here's How to Know.

In today's episode, you will finally understand how to spot and stop performative allyship. Welcome to More Human, More Kind. I'm Heather Hester, author, speaker, and advocate for LGBTQ+ youth and the people who love them. This is the podcast for the parent who looks fine on the outside, but is carrying a quiet panic on the inside. Here, we name what's real without shame, so you can become the kind of grounded, brave, loving person your child can actually feel. You're not alone. You don't have to do this perfectly. Let's get into it. Welcome to More Human, More Kind. I am Heather Hester. If you've ever bought pride gear or shared a rainbow post, or even wondered if you were doing enough, this episode is for you. True allyship is not a descriptor. It's an action. It's not a filter or a badge. It's a privilege and a responsibility. So let's get into it. By the end of this episode, you will learn how to quickly identify performative allyship. You'll have the clarity to spot when support is surface level versus when it's truly impactful in brands, in organizations, and even in yourself without shame. You'll feel confident making intentional support choices instead of wondering, is this enough? Am I doing this right? You'll have a simple filter to guide your time, money, and energy, and you will strengthen trust with LGBTQ people in your life. When your allyship becomes consistent and action-oriented, your credibility grows and so does trust. Listen, I get, totally get, that Pride, buying Pride merch feels supportive. When Connor first came out, we had rainbow everything in our house, on our house, on our bodies, on our cars. It was a lot. And don't get me wrong, there is definitely a place for a visible and colorful show of support. But here's the blind spot. Actually, there are two blind spots. Some purchases make you feel supportive while changing nothing for LGBTQ people. And sometimes those purchases fund companies that quietly harm the community. That's the definition of performative. And it's tough to call out because it's nuanced and it's in the intention. So let's think just a moment about your personal intention. Do you wear that rainbow t-shirt or put the pride flag on your home because you want to look like a good ally, or do you do it for acknowledgement, or do you wear and display your pride because it is one of the many ways that you show support for the LGBTQ community and as a way to encourage others to do so as well? And of course, there are many, many costs and consequences for performative allyship. You feel like you're doing something. Perhaps you don't even know how else you can help. And I imagine learning this right now feels pretty lousy. Take heart. You don't know what you don't know, and the likelihood is that you were acting from a good place and not of wanting to harm the community. I still remember that moment that my daughter called me out on it. I was so embarrassed and I felt really awful because being a performative ally couldn't have been further from what I was trying to do and be. And I imagine that resonates with you as well. But the last thing we want is for LGBTQ people to become a marketing season or a category while policy issues remain. Discrimination continues. Real safety concerns go untouched. Who cares if a brand logo is changed to rainbows during June, or if outwardly supportive campaigns run throughout the year touting allyship, inclusivity, and love is love slogans, while in the boardroom millions and millions of dollars are donated to anti-LGBTQ campaigns. I'm looking at you, Amazon, Walmart, CVS. Or almost worse, you've caved to anti-LGBTQ pressure and removed merchandise and pulled back on supportive policies. That would be you, Target and Starbucks. Here are 3 simple questions you can ask when you are doing your homework on companies. Does this company donate year-round? Do they have inclusive policies internally? Are they vocal when it's unpopular, not just profitable? If the answer is no, pause and ask yourself whether it's worth spending your money with them. Whether you are a corporation or an individual, that doesn't— it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, you don't have to be extreme. You just need to be intentional. Last year, I had the amazing opportunity to interview Celia Daniels, who is an incredible accomplished speaker, educator, and advocate who is also a trans woman. I'll link her episode in the show notes because it is just a treasure in and of itself. But I wanted to share a relevant piece of that interview here today. We talked at great length about the meaning of allyship, and she gave me a great acronym for the word allies, A-L-L-I-E-S. Allies. So A, acknowledge your privilege. What traits or advantages do you have that put you in a position where you can help or access help? Really think about this one. The first L is for listen to the community, whether it is your child or children, friends, or coworkers, listen to what they are telling you. Ask clarifying questions. Ask how you can help or what they need. And most importantly, listen to what is not being said. The second L is learn to unlearn. Yes, yes, yes, yes. You know I love this one. This is not a judgmental statement. We all have biases to unlearn. Do your work. Not only will it help you to be a better ally, but it will also help you grow into a better human being. I is for instigate tough conversations and decisions. I know this one can be hard and scary, and it is okay if you stumble over your words. Take a deep breath and just do it. I promise, promise it will get easier the more you do it. E is for educate yourself and others. This is a through line of this podcast. Learn, grow, help others do the same. And repeat. And S, support by getting involved. This one is vital, and I want you to hear me. Protesting is not the only way to get involved. I know that it isn't for everyone, nor is it accessible for everyone. Think about your talents and your gifts. What do you do well, or what do you enjoy doing? I promise there is a way to offer that gift or that talent. If you come up blank after doing some Googling, reach out to me and I will help you. So really quickly, ALLIES is A, acknowledge your privilege. L, listen to the community. Second L, learn to unlearn. I, instigate tough conversations and decisions. E, educate yourself and others. S, support by getting involved. Allow this acronym to guide you and you will never find yourself toeing that line between true and performative allyship. When you shift from being a performative ally to an intentional ally, three really cool things happen. Your support becomes credible. LGBTQ people trust your advocacy, and you know your time and money matter. Those are powerful shifts. To make this even easier for you, I created the Ally Impact Checklist: How to Support LGBTQ People Without Performative Mistakes. This printable checklist gives you a simple filter to make sure your support actually helps. So if you find yourself worrying whether your support is performative and it's making you feel unsure, conflicted, or maybe even a little cynical, and what you really want is for your allyship to create real safety and real impact, that's why I created the Ally Impact Checklist. This checklist helps you choose support that actually matters without wasting your money, without getting fooled by rainbow capitalism or feeling like you have to be an expert in something. Click the first link in the show notes and I will send this to you right away. I am loving this new way of ending my episodes with the butterfly effect. One small shift, one gentle rebellion, one micro move that changes everything. Today is a tiny action. Unfollow one account that spikes your fear or your outrage. Take a moment right now and just do it. Protect your mind like it matters because it does. Today we talked about moving from visible support to meaningful support. Allieship isn't about being loud, and it isn't a casual descriptor. It's about being consistent, action-oriented, and intentional. If this episode gave you clarity, subscribe to More Human, More Kind. And if someone you know wants to be supportive but isn't sure how, share this episode with them. Until next time, stay human, stay kind. And make your support count.