Beyond Love: The 3 Pillars of LGBTQ Affirmation

Today we're gonna talk about the 3 pillars of building safe, lasting relationships with our LGBTQ+ kids.

Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester.

Let's get started. Welcome to More Human, More Kind. I'm your host, Heather Hester, and I am so glad you are joining me today. We've been exploring safety this month, what it means, what it looks like, and why it matters so deeply for LGBTQ+ youth. Today, I want to take a slightly different angle, one that brings us back to the heart of this work: relationships. Safety isn't just about laws or policies. It's about something much more personal. It's about trust and connection. It's about creating relationships that are deeply affirming, emotionally safe, and nurtured so that they will last. Today you'll learn what true affirmation looks like in relationships beyond basic acceptance, how to accept it meaningfully, and what it has to do with safety. You will be equipped with language and mindset shifts, and you will learn that affirmation isn't a checkbox. It is a relationship to nurture. Whether you are a parent, a teacher, a coach, an auntie, or a neighbor, if you love someone who is LGBTQ+, this conversation is for you. So let's start by breaking down what we mean by an affirming relationship. To affirm someone is to believe them when they tell you who they are. It is to respect their identity. Their name, their pronouns, and their journey. It is to stay open even when it's hard or unfamiliar or uncomfortable. And it is to show love, not just in words, but in, in your actions. An affirming relationship communicates, you are safe with me. You are loved as you are, and you don't have to earn that. That might sound simple, but for many families, especially those who are just beginning this journey, it's a radical and powerful shift. So I want to share 3 foundational pillars to focus on as you are either building or deepening your connection with an LGBTQ+ child or teen. The first pillar is presence over perfection. This, of course, is a play on progress over perfection. You do not need to have all of the answers, but you do need to stay and be present. You can say, "I don't know, but I'm willing to learn." When you make a mistake, like using the wrong pronoun, Apologize sincerely, correct it, and move on. Don't make it about your guilt. And just being there without conditions, without pushing for clarity or explanations, is a powerful form of support. According to the Family Acceptance Project, even imperfect but consistent support reduces suicide risk, and depression in LGBTQ+ youth dramatically. The second pillar is curiosity without control. When you switch your approach from judgment or fix-it mode into curiosity, the need to control also dissipates. Ask questions that are open-ended and respectful, like, How can I support you right now? Or what does non-binary mean to you? Or what feels safe or unsafe about school or your friends or our home? And then listen to the answer, and not just the actual words, listen to their tone of voice, watch their body language and their facial expressions. There is gold and connection to be found there. Avoid the need, the desire to fix or diagnose. Instead, stay aware and stay in a place of that compassionate curiosity. And the third pillar is allyship and action. Allyship is not a label any more than being affirming is just a feeling. They are actions, something that you do. Advocate for LGBTQ+ inclusion at school or church or family gatherings, especially when it's hard and especially in places that have who have been hard hit by policy or unfiltered bigotry. Speak up when someone uses harmful language, again, even if, especially if it's uncomfortable. Celebrate milestones, coming out, name changes, new pronouns, gender-affirming choices. This is so much fun to do and is way more meaningful than you may realize. This is also a beautiful way to open space to learn even more. Share books, movies, media that reflect LGBTQ+ joy and resilience. Again, this is another fun way to bond and to learn. It's that magical showing instead of telling your child that you love them, that you care about who they are, and that you really want to understand. In 2024, The Trevor Project found that LGBTQ+ youth who feel supported in identity exploration are less likely to experience mental health crises, even when their external environments are hostile. One of the biggest mistakes allies make, especially parents, is thinking this is a one-time conversation. Shift thinking about creating safety as part of nurturing this lifelong relationship. Affirming relationships require that you check in regularly, right? This can be a light, hey, how are you today? To a more engaged, tell me about your day. To, hey, you've got my ear and my hand whenever you need them. Update your understanding, meaning always be learning and unlearning. The process of unlearning is quite like an onion, layers upon layers, and you can only reach the next layer by peeling away what's here now. Learning, on the other hand, is layered in the sense that knowledge and understanding build upon itself. Being aware of the gift of unlearning and then learning is one of the greatest joys in life. Then give your child space to evolve. I know this one can be really hard, especially when we are worried about their safety out in the world, but I cannot reiterate the importance of this one enough. I have seen too many times what enabling or overprotecting can do to a young person's confidence and their ability to then be self-sufficient. Your child might share new aspects of their identity over time, or they might change how they describe themselves. This is not confusion. This is growth. Your job isn't to keep up with everything perfectly. It's just to stay open, consistently open. A few months ago, Grace got her first girlfriend. And after 8 years of Connor and Isabel dating guys and Rowan dating girls, I thought I had a pretty good handle on different types of relationships. I was actually feeling pretty confident in my knowledge until she began to describe aspects of the relationship. And while so completely adorable, I couldn't help thinking, wow, this seems kind of fast, or this is actually brand new information. So I finally consulted Connor and a few other Gen Z and gay relationship information sources and put aside everything I thought I did know already. So I could learn what I needed to know. Before we wrap up, let's check out our listener query for today. This segment is a part of every solo show now where I will answer a question I've received over the years. Remember, this is your official invitation to email or message me with your most burning LGBTQ+ related question. And today's question is in two parts. The first is, what does bi mean? Does it mean you're just confused or going through a phase? And this is a really, really great question. Bisexuality means being attracted to people of more than one gender. A person who identifies as bisexual can be attracted to men, women, and/or people of other genders, depending on the individual. Just like any other sexual orientation, being bisexual is a legitimate and valid identity. It's important to note that bisexuality is not something that's quote unquote confusing or just a phase. The misconception that bisexual people are often just confused comes from misunderstanding or lack of knowledge about bisexuality. People might assume that if someone is attracted to more than one gender, they're unsure of what they want. But the reality is bisexual people have a clear sense of their attraction to multiple genders, and it's as stable and authentic as anyone else's sexual orientation. Bisexuality is not something that comes and goes. It's a real and lasting part of a person's identity. And just like someone who is straight or gay, being bisexual is a central part of who they are. The second part of this question is, aren't bisexual people playing it safe? This is another common myth. And one that is important to clear up and one that I thought was important to pair with the first question. The idea that bisexual people are just quote unquote playing it safe or choosing an easier option stems from a misunderstanding of what bisexuality is. Bisexual people experience attraction to more than one gender, just like I said, and this is not about taking the easy route. It's more about being true to who they are. Bisexuality is not about hedging bets or keeping options open. To assume that bisexuality is playing it safe is to misunderstand the depth of someone's true self. It's also important to note that bisexual people, like anyone else, may experience challenges in their relationship and social lives, including biphobia, which is discrimination or prejudice against bisexual people. These challenges exist because of societal misconceptions and biases about bisexuality, not because being bisexual is an easier or safer option. Affirmation isn't just about words, it's about creating safety It's about building relationships where LGBTQ kids know deep, deep in their bones, I can be fully myself here. I am safe here. I am loved here. Safety isn't only about protection from harm. It's also about freedom to flourish. And that freedom begins in the spaces we create through our presence, through our listening, and through our unconditional love. So when you choose to affirm your LGBTQ+ child or the young people in your life, not just once, but again and again, every single day, you're doing more than showing support. You're giving them a foundation and a lifeline and a place to return to when the world feels hard. So please remember that affirmation is safety, and safety is love and action. And you, just by being here and choosing to grow, are part of that healing force. Thank you so much for being here with me today and for being here for your child. There are new episodes every Tuesday and Friday, so make sure you subscribe so you do not miss a single one. And if you're wondering how you can best show up as an ally, take my quick Ally Quiz to find out your strengths and the actions you can take Today. The link is in my show notes. Thank you for being someone who chooses to show up. Keep going. Keep learning. And until next time, remember, you are not alone.