Beyond the Binary: Why Fluid Doesn't Mean Unsure (Important Guidance for Parents of LGBTQ Kids)

In today's episode, you'll discover why the most loving thing you can do for your kid isn't to understand them, it's to stop needing to. Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast for parents of LGBTQ+ kids and anyone trying to stay human in a world that keeps hardening. I'm Heather Hester, and here we talk about fear, belonging, boundaries, courage, love, and what it means to protect what matters without losing yourself in the process. Your child doesn't just need a parent who's informed, they need a parent who is grounded and strong. Let's take a breath and let's begin. Welcome to More Human, More Kind. I'm Heather Hester. By the end of this episode, you'll have a clearer picture of what fluidity actually means and doesn't mean. You'll have 3 questions to swap out for the labels you've been reaching for. And you'll discover a little more room to breathe when your kid's identity doesn't sit still. So I want to start today with a confession. For a long time, I thought fluidity was a phase, like an in-between place, a waiting room, so to speak, before the quote-unquote "real answer" showed up. I don't think that anymore. As it turns out, this waiting room wasn't built by my kid, or your kid, or any of our kids. It was built by a culture that taught me identity should be a finish line, not a practice. And before I tell you about the conversation that changed that, I want to sit for a moment with why that framing is so sticky in the first place. Fluidity, whether it's in gender, attraction, or identity, just means that it's not fixed. It can shift. It can hold more than one thing at once. It can look different at 17 than it does at 23. And for a lot of parents, that's the hardest part. Not the "what is it?" but the "will it stay?" Here's the misunderstanding I hear most often, in messages, in comments, in conversations with other parents: that fluid means unsure. And unsure means not really true. Like, fluidity is the asterisk version of identity, the placeholder. But fluid isn't the opposite of real. It's just not finished. And it's not just about kids. It's about how Western culture treats identity as a destination rather than a practice, a state of being, which highlights another opportunity for unlearning. A couple of years ago, I had a guest on this podcast, a parent who was talking about their child's journey, and they said something that has stayed with me ever since. They talked about how fluid their child's process had been. Not one moment of clarity, but a series of shifts. And how at first they held on to the, the last answer their kid gave them. Like if they could just get them to land somewhere, everyone could relax. But their kid kept moving. And this parent had to do something really hard. They had to unlearn their own need for a fixed answer. Not unlearn their love, unlearn the grip. And what they said next is the part that really got me. They said that once they stopped holding on so tightly, fluidity stopped feeling like a problem to manage and started feeling like another layer, another texture of who their kid was becoming. And here's the part that changed me. They said it didn't just shift how they saw their kid, it changed how they experienced everyone. They started letting go of the need to categorize people in general. I remember sitting with that for days because I realized that I did this too, not just with my kids, but with everyone. I would meet someone and some part of my brain began filing them. Sorting them, like I needed the label before I could relax into the relationship. That conversation with that parent gave me permission to stop doing that, and it's been one of the most freeing shifts in my own thinking, not just about my kids, but about how I move through the world. Less defining, more Noticing. Less what you are and more who you are.

Today.

Right now. And as it turns out, this isn't just one family's story. Researchers who've followed people's attractions over decades have found that fluidity is actually more common than any of us may realize. Lisa Diamond conducted longitudinal research on sexual fluidity following women over 10+ years and found significant fluidity in attraction over time. Two-thirds changed a label at least once, often correlated with relationship context rather than fixed orientation. This is some of the most cited work in the field, and it directly supports the reframe. Fluid isn't unsure, it's alive. This isn't complicated either. It could look like someone who identified as straight for years and found themselves unexpectedly drawn to someone. More than anything else, this is about self-awareness. I also want to acknowledge that you may experience grief around the loss of certainty. There's an unspoken sadness in losing the story you thought you knew about your kid or yourself. Not grief that something bad happened, but grief that something fixed didn't or hasn't yet materialized. Naming that explicitly might help you feel less alone in feeling sad about something that can feel so abstract. So what does this actually look like at home? First, language is a snapshot, not a contract. If your kid uses a different word this year than last year, that's not a retraction. It's an update. Try not to treat it like they're taking something back. They're just telling you where they are right now. This isn't rare.

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Most young people who identify as LGBTQ+ describe themselves differently at different points growing up. That's not confusion, that's just growing. Second, your questions matter more than your conclusions. Instead of, "So are you..." try, "How are you feeling about that these days?" That tiny shift from definition to check-in Heather Hester tells your kid the door stays open, always. And third, notice your own discomfort without making it their job to fix it. If the not knowing makes you anxious, that's real and it's valid, but that anxiety is yours to sit with, not theirs to resolve by picking an answer faster. And here's the thing about fluidity that I think gets missed. It's not just a young person thing, and it's not just a queer thing. A lot of us at midlife find pieces of ourselves loosening too. Old certainties, old labels we put on ourselves, perhaps even discovering that our own self-imposed labels, whether it's sexuality, gender expression, or even career and faith identity are loosening at the same time our kids are. And that could be part of why this topic lands differently depending on where you are in your own life right now. This is really rich territory we'll dive headlong into in another episode, but for this moment, think of the deepening that can happen when two people in a family are both becoming. At the same time. Maybe this looks like your 17-year-old telling you that they're not sure what to call themselves yet, and you, 2 months later, telling them you're not sure what to call yourself either. Not as a competition, as company. Sometimes the bravest thing your kid does is go first. I want to name something here too, because I think it might take the edge off any shame you're feeling about how hard the shift around labels me. There are times when I am tired or completely worn down and those old ways still pop back up. Times when I catch myself labeling strangers, old friends, even sometimes my own kids. Old habits don't disappear just because you understand them better. The unlearning takes time and effort. And I notice it faster now. And noticing is something. Take a few minutes to think about where in your life, not just with your kid, you feel pressure to have things figured out that maybe just don't need to be. When your kid's language or identity has shifted, what was your first internal reaction? Not what you said out loud, what you felt. What would it feel like to ask, "How are you feeling about that these days?" instead of needing a permanent answer? And is there a label that you've been holding onto about your kid or about yourself that maybe doesn't fit as well as it used to? This week, the kindness moment is small. The next time someone, whether it's your kid, a friend, a stranger, describes themselves in a way that you were not expecting, try just saying, "Okay," and meaning it. No follow-up question, no need to understand it fully right now, just, "Okay," and see how that feels. Today we talked about what fluidity really means. Not unfinished, not unsure, just alive. We talked about shifting from definitions to check-ins, and we talked about how loosening our grip on labels for our kids can loosen something in how we move through the whole world. If there's one thing I hope you take from this, it's that not knowing isn't a failure of love. Sometimes it's the most honest shape love can take. Thank you for being here and for showing up for these conversations, even when they're uncomfortable. That matters more than you know. On Friday, we'll pick this thread back up with the Butterfly Effect episode. Smaller actions, smaller shifts, the ripple kind of stuff. And if you're thinking, "Gosh, it would be really great to be able to talk with other parents or who are in a similar place," or really love to have access to trusted resources or have the opportunity to ask me questions, the Kindred Collective community is the place for you. The link is in the show notes. Until next time, keep becoming more human and more kind.

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