Control Is an Illusion: How Parents of LGBTQ Kids Can Shift to Influence and Finally Find Connection

Ever notice that the harder you try to control your LGBTQ+ kids, or really any of your kids, the more they pull away? What if the freedom you're looking for isn't in control at all, but in a kind of influence most of us overlook? Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester. Let's get started. In this episode, you'll see why control is an illusion that only fuels conflict. You'll find out how influence can transform your relationships and create deeper, lasting change. And you'll walk away with a vulnerable story from my own life that shows just how powerful this shift can be. And at the end, stick around because in today's Unlearn, I'll challenge the myth that control equals love. So here's the truth that stings: the more we try to control people or situations, the more we lose the very connection we're desperate to protect? What if the thing you've been gripping so tightly is the very thing that's holding you back from the peace you so desperately want? This became really real, or really clear, I should say, for me during a recent visit with my parents. For most of my life, I've gotten pulled into whatever narrative or drama was unfolding. I say I, I've been baited, but this time I noticed something different. I could step back and see specifically when it came to my mom, her deep need to control everything from the conversation that we were having to what we were eating, to the family stories that went back out into the world, the way our family was viewed. And for years, this has frustrated me and I was never able to really put my finger on it, but I realized this time that control is her coping mechanism. It is how she manages fear and uncertainty. That insight stopped me in my tracks because I saw how I took that on, how I learned that behavior from her and then translated that into my life. And of course, over the years, I've done a ton of work to be able to move from that control to the type of influence that we're gonna talk about today. But it was such a powerful moment in time to be able to really have the ability to step back and kind of see it in action and pinpoint exactly what it was. It is fascinating to me, the more that I have learned about control, the more that I have both worked on it for myself, but really learned about it in other situations, family situations, the greater world, politics, you name it. Over and over again, you see control shows up in different ways, but it's always kind of the same through line, right? Control shows up for power in instances of force, in It shows up as rigidity. It shows up because of fear. When I realized that I could, instead of trying to control and hold on to things so tightly, that I could take a step back, take a breath, and influence or suggest a situation. This was such a game changer for me. And by influence, I mean using guidance instead of force, leaning into the trust that you are building with your children, with your partner, with your family, with your friends, with your coworkers, those relationships, and realizing that we always have choices. Control gives the illusion of safety, but in the end, it erodes that trust that we're really looking for. While influence, while it feels slower, it builds resilience, it creates connection, and it brings about real change. So I want you to think just for a second about a particular situation or a relationship where you know that control comes up for you. And think about how it feels, how it shows up for you, first of all, and then also where it shows up in your body or how it feels in your body. I know for me, it shows up as tightness, frustration, and often disconnection, like kind of that butting heads. Those 3 things for me, I now recognize as a signal that I'm trying to control. And that moment of awareness when I'm like, oh, okay, here's something that I'm trying to control. How can I stop and pivot and influence or guide or lean into the relationship I have with this person and come at this from a different angle. It truly, truly has been such a game changer. Influence grows when we live the values we hope others will follow, not when we demand compliance. I wanna say that again because I, This has been just so eye-opening for me. Influence grows when we live the values we hope others will follow, not when we demand compliance with them. This isn't just about families. It's everywhere. It's in our communities. It's in politics. It's in how we respond to fear. Control masquerades as strength, but it always breeds resistance. Influence, however, is rooted in trust and consistency. It is what actually changes people and builds a future worth having. So I'm telling you all of this because I think it's so applicable to what's going on right now in the greater world, but also because I imagine you have this in your life, whether it's with your kids, your partner, your greater, broader family, a work relationship. This isn't just a theory. It's lived, it's practiced, it's messy. And it is a shift that I still practice every day. I still have to stop myself when I catch my, that feeling in my body, when I realize that I am trying to control something out of fear or out of not knowing. The most powerful realization has been in recognizing how that control affected me growing up as a child and how that rippled out into Every action, every relationship, and it is still so prominent in our relationship today that I have, as an adult, had to set pretty strong boundaries. You may recognize this as something that you come up against in your life, whether it is with another family member. Or a friend or in the workplace and to actually stay in relationship is probably the best way to say it. So I actually came up with a little acronym to help me when I'm in the moment, because I don't know about you, but oftentimes I, when I'm faced with something in the moment, a lot of things become fuzzy. And so it's helped for me if I have either an acronym or things very simply practiced in my mind that I can go ahead and implement as a tool or a strategy when I'm, when I'm faced with something quite difficult. So the acronym is ARCC, A-R-C-C, Arc Your Boundaries. And it stands for being authentic, staying true to yourself, your needs, and your belief system. So when you are able to stay connected to yourself, Right? When you are able to stand in your truth, then you can set these boundaries a little bit easier. The R is for respect. Simply put, respect begets respect. And when you're clear in stating your boundaries, that is being respectful. Be clear and direct in the way you wish to be treated. What behaviors are acceptable, how you wish to spend your time. You don't need to say, hey, you can't control me, or that control isn't acceptable. What you can say in response is what you wish, what you, how you wish to be treated. And then the final C is just taking that deep breath and doing it. Courage, taking, having that courage to Just take care of yourself. Just set that boundary and know that you will likely have to set it again and again. But for you, knowing that it is there and standing strong in that will help calm your nervous system and give you that space and that moment you need to breathe. If you've been with me for a while, you know that I have loved our Listener Query segment because it was such a great way to answer your questions and bust myths that are out there. And while we were traveling a month or so ago, I decided that the Listener Query really needed an action as well. So I've evolved it into something I'm calling the Unlearn, where each week We'll still tackle the common myth or the bias or the assumption, and then we will break it down, reimagine what is possible, and then end up with one tangible action you can take into that week. It'll still be grounded in your questions and your stories, but now it will be part of your weekly allyship practice. So let's get ready to unlearn, reimagine, and act. Today's Unlearn is about one of the most confusing myths that many of us inherit as parents: the idea that control equals love. So the story goes that if I set the rules, if I hold on tight, if I correct every mistake, if I just go ahead and do it for them because I can do it better and faster, it proves that I care. Control is how I protect the people I love. But the truth is, love isn't control. Love is presence. Love is trust. Influence, not force. When we mistake control for love, we end up pushing away the very people we're trying to hold close. So here is your practice for this week. Pay attention to one place where control has crept in under the name of love. Pause. Instead of giving a directive, ask a question and see how the dynamic shifts. When we can unlearn this myth that control equals love, we open ourselves to a deeper, freer kind of love, the kind that invites real connection instead of resistance. Today we uncovered why control isolates, how influence empowers, and what it looks like to shift from forcing outcomes to creating conditions for growth. Real strength isn't in control. It's in loosening our grip. And trusting connection to do its quiet, powerful work. Thank you for letting me share something so personal and vulnerable today. I don't take it lightly that you're here. Remember to join me every Tuesday and Friday for new episodes and make sure to subscribe so you never miss one. If today's conversation resonated, I'd love to send you an excerpt from my book, Parenting with Pride. Along with a guided reflection. You can grab it at tinyurl.com/pwpreflect, and the link will also be in the show notes. Let's keep seeing the humanity in each other, no matter our differences. Until next time, remember, you are not alone.