Correcting Misgendering | Practical Allyship Guidance for Parents of LGBTQ Teens

Today we're talking about why it can feel so hard to speak up when someone misgenders your child.

Welcome to More Human, More Kind. I'm Heather Hester, author, speaker, and advocate for LGBTQ+ youth and the families who love them. This show is for the parent who's holding it together on the outside while inside your nervous system is bracing for impact.

Here We tell the truth gently.

We unlearn what fear has taught us, and we build the kind of internal safety that lets you lead with love instead of panic. You're not broken. You're human. Let's dive in.

This episode is for the parent who loves their child, who uses the right name at home, who is trying, really, really trying to learn, to understand, to get it right. But then it happens. A relative uses the wrong pronoun, or a teacher slips up. A neighbor says your child's old name. And in that split second, your breath catches. You hesitate. Your chest tightens. Your mind starts racing. Do I say something? Is this the right moment? What if I make it worse? And then the moment passes. Can you think of a time that this has happened? Perhaps it was a family dinner and someone said your child's old name, their dead name, and the conversation just kept going. And you felt that moment, that opening where you could have said something, but you didn't want to make it awkward. You didn't want to embarrass your child. You didn't want to start a conversation you weren't ready to manage, so you let it go. Maybe you told yourself you'd circle back later, but later never quite came. This episode today will help you understand why silence in those moments lands louder than you think, what your child reads in that hesitation, not just what you didn't say, but what that silence might mean to them. And you will understand what repeated silence slowly communicates over time. These moments aren't rare. They show up everywhere: in passing comments, in group conversations, in questions about identity that you laugh off or deflect, And each time you tell yourself, "It's not the right moment. I'll say something next time." But those moments stack one upon the next, and the next time keeps moving further and further down the road. And sooner or later, your child notices. They see when you hesitate. They feel when you don't step in, and eventually They stop expecting you to. They stop looking at you when it happens because they already know what's coming next.

Nothing.

And when a child stops expecting protection from their parent, something in the relationship shifts. At first it's subtle, but over time you start to feel it. They stop asking for your help. They stop asking you to talk to teachers. They stop asking you to correct relatives, and they start handling it on their own. And yes, part of you might feel proud of this independence, but another part of you feels the distance. Advocacy used to be one of the ways they invited you into their world. It was a place where they depended on you, and now they're navigating it without you. And you realize they learned how to stand up for themselves, but they didn't learn that from you. So let's name what's really going on here. This is not about love. It's about discomfort. Conflict feels uncomfortable. Uncomfortable. Correction feels risky, and saying something out loud can feel like stepping into the unknown. But when silence replaces advocacy, your child learns something. They learn that when things get hard, their parent might not step in. And that realization quietly reshapes trust. So here's the question I want you to sit with: if your child can't rely on you to correct someone in a small moment, who will they trust to stand up for them in the big ones? Now I want you to hear this next part clearly. If this is you, you are not a bad parent. You're a parent navigating something you were never taught how to handle. A parent who hasn't yet been shown how to move through these moments, and that is something we can change. Advocacy isn't about confrontation, it's about protection, and when a child feels protected, they feel safe bringing you deeper into their life. That's the goal, not perfection, not getting every moment right. But showing up more often with clarity, calm, courage. Sometimes advocacy sounds like something as simple as, "Actually, they use she/her now." Calm, clear, no speech required. This is the work I do. I help parents build the confidence to stand beside their child clearly and consistently, even when it feels uncomfortable. If this episode stirred something in you, that's your invitation. You do not have to figure this out alone. The link to book a call is in the show notes. Until next time, be a little more human and a little more kind.