Empathy, Inclusion, and Raising an LGBTQ Child: A Conversation With Author and Advocate Maria Gallucci

In today's bonus episode, we are going to discuss empathy. Can it be taught or is it just lived? My guest today might just change how you listen, love, and connect. Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed. So you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester. Let's get started. Welcome back to More Human, More Kind. I'm Heather Hester, and I'm so delighted you are here today. And I'm especially honored to welcome a truly remarkable guest, Maria Gallucci. Maria is a multi-award-winning real estate agent, proud CODA, that's Child of Deaf Adults, and the founder of several groundbreaking initiatives, including Uptown Realty Group, Gallucci Homes, ASL at Compass, and ASL Realty, a national platform connecting Deaf and hard of hearing clients with signing agents. Her debut book, Raised in Silence, is both a love letter to the Deaf and hard of hearing community and a guide for all of us on how to bridge communication gaps with empathy, patience, and courage. Without further ado, here is my conversation with Maria. Welcome back to More Human, More Kind. I am delighted you are here today, and I am really delighted to welcome today's guest, Maria Gallucci. Thank you so much for being here. I'm really looking forward to our conversation.

Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited.

You are so welcome. So Maria and I were just chatting a little bit before we started recording and we have a couple of things in common and I think we'll probably touch on them, but I just wanted to lead with that because what you are here to really talk about first today is your book that is coming out called Raised in Silence, and it is a beautiful, beautiful topic. And the way that you have approached it, I think, is so personal and moving. And so I just, I would like to start off with just asking you a few questions about the book and then go from there, if that's okay. Growing up as a child of deaf adults, which is the basis of your book, What did that teach you about communicating and about just being in the world?

I think that growing up with deaf parents, I think it taught me to be more patient and more kind and more compassionate and understanding that not all of our languages are the same. And so you just have to be patient when you're communicating with people. So I think it gave me more empathy towards the culture.

Oh my goodness. Absolutely. You were one of 6 children, correct?

Yes.

Yep.

There were 6 of us and we're all hearing.

That's extraordinary. Were you oldest, youngest, middle? Where were you?

So I'm right in the middle. So I'm the third to the oldest.

Okay. And each one of you obviously knows American Sign Language.

Yes.

Yes.

All of us are fluent.

So you learned that first? Did you learn that simultaneously? How did that work exactly?

So ASL is actually our first language. So we, a lot of us didn't learn how to speak until we were like in kindergarten or before that. So my mom always said that we learned to talk by watching TV or people around us, or we had to go to speech therapy. And so we, that, so ASL was always our primary language in the home.

That's wild. Being that you had— there were 6 hearing siblings or children, was it still quiet?

No, it was very loud. So we were all wild. My dad always said that I was the devil out of the group. But, but no, we were— we would be as loud as we want because our parents couldn't hear us. So when friends came over, they loved coming to our house because our house was always known as the Loud House because we were all messing around, being crazy and being loud.

Oh my gosh, that is— I mean, I think about— I mean, think about the number of times that you tell your kids, like, "Shh, be quiet," right?

I always told my parents the only reason why they had 6 kids was because they were deaf and they couldn't hear us. Oh my—

For sure. I mean, but I'm just thinking too, like how they had to shift even from when you were all babies, right? Because think about like, you listen for your child to cry, right? For them, they had to rely on very different ways of connecting with you. So what did that look like for you as the child? How did you connect in a different way than perhaps, you know, hearing parents and hearing children would connect?

So we would always have a light. So there was actually a light flashing on and off. And so when we would cry or anything, we'd have a light that flashed on to signal that we were crying. And of course there were 6 of us, so we were all together. But it's funny that you asked that question because not even last night I had a client of mine, that they're looking to adopt a child. And one of the questions were, how would you support them because you can't hear them if they're upset or crying? And so he asked me my opinion of what we did when we were growing up. And I'm like, we actually had a light. Like, we had a light that would flash on and on if we were screaming or crying. And our parents knew— well, we knew that we can wake up our parents at any time if there was an emergency. Like, my brother, We were in— I still remember this— we were in my sister's room, my baby sister's room. She was a baby. My brother was probably 2 or 3. I will also say probably 3 or 4. He was looking at the fire trucks and he put his hand on the, the window, like, what's that called, the screen. And he fell like he flew out of the window screen down. He was okay, thank God. And he got a lot of oatmeal cookies that we didn't But so we, so obviously we're screaming, but the light was flickering, but we had to run and tell our parents because they didn't hear all the commotion that was going on. But yeah, so it was always a light that flickered. Okay.

Oh, wow. Yeah. I mean, that would be the best way to do it.

Yeah.

But also like nerve, just thinking about that, like nerve-wracking because that's like a totally different thing to have to be aware of, right? Like as the parent, just thinking about like how much I think even as like the mom, like we listen, right, for them. Like you'd have to like hone that sense, like you're seeing, like even when you're asleep, right, to be like aware of that, like on a subconscious level of the light flashing, right? Exactly.

And I think that their senses are heightened because they are losing one of the senses. So I think the other ones kick in like that, like you are aware more. Yeah, sure.

I wonder like even like feeling like vibration like that probably is more sensitive.

Right. They actually love dancing. So dancing is huge in the deaf and hard of hearing community because they can feel the vibration of the music. So they love, love, love to dance. The whole community does. So on every party that I have for them every year, I make sure I have loud music for them. I have a DJ for them because they can feel everything on the ground and all the movement.

Yeah. Oh, that's so cool. I love that. And that's something that you wouldn't really know, right? I mean, what do you feel? What was the most impactful lesson for you growing up as a child of deaf adults?

To have empathy for people because I saw a lot of people make fun of us and make fun of our parents by the way they talked or because they couldn't. So we were bullied a lot and a lot, a lot of stares which make you feel self-conscious. So I think I'm self-aware of that stuff and I never— I think I have a big heart because I would never ever want anybody to feel what we felt or what our parents felt, or like being isolated or not included. So I think it gave me compassion.

Absolutely. And that clearly has, has moved throughout your entire life, right? You've carried that on through all the things that you do now, which is just fantastic. And you just touched on that a little bit, but I would love to ask you a little more about it because, um, in addition to writing this book, you are also a real estate agent, but not just a real estate agent. You are— you work specifically with the deaf community, correct?

Yeah, I work with all walks of life, but I specialize in the deaf and hard of hearing community and the LGBTQ+ community. And so I'm an advocate for those two communities.

That is amazing. So since you brought that up, I was going to go there in a little bit, but we'll go there right now. And this is what we were bonding about earlier. We both have kids who are out. And I'm wondering if for you, um, when your son— your son, right?

Yes.

Okay. I was like, wait a second.

Um, yeah, queer or, um, gender fluid, like genderqueer.

Okay. So when he— him— okay. So when he came out to you, was it something that you knew? Was it something that you were surprised by? And do you feel like because of just all of your experience that you were just kind of like, okay, let's do this.

Like, yeah, exactly. To me, it wasn't even a blink of an eye. He came out young. He came out at 12, which is younger for a lot, a lot of them. So his counselor said that we were lucky that he felt comfortable enough with me to actually come out so young. And so now that I knew what— when he was little, like because I, I could tell right away. So I was not surprised whatsoever. And so when he came out, I was completely supportive. I got him everything that he needed. And then his biological father, on the other hand, said that he was possessed by the devil and actually abandoned him. So I think it's very important for parents to know that kids are— your kids are your kids, no matter what they are or who they are. And you should just love because love is love and it's your same child. And this version of him was a better version. Like, you can tell that a whole weight was lifted off him and he wasn't cutting anymore. He wasn't doing any of that stuff anymore the second he came out.

Yeah. Yeah. They're lighter. They're like, they, they all of a sudden, their authentic selves come out. Right. And it's a beautiful thing. I completely agree with you. I think that that is It's a really beautiful thing to be part of and to watch, right? And then, but on the flip side, I mean, I have more distant family than biological father, but that is such a hard thing to watch as well, isn't it?

Yes, it is. And it's sad that I think that a lot of people don't realize the pain that they're causing them eternally. I just want to cry about that, but—

Of course.

They just don't understand that.

No, they— I think they— part of it is they're so consumed by fear that they cannot see outside of that fear. Exactly.

They can't see outside of the box and they can't see that this is just a human being and a child in his case, because he was younger.

Right. I mean, and a child that is— I always think they're, they're telling you who they are. Like, that's such a gift.

Exactly. It's like, it's huge. And he, even through going like all of his stuff, um, he graduated with like a 4.0, graduated high school early, went straight into college. And so even like through all that, and I, I feel like it was because of the support system that he had, at least through me and everybody, because if you don't have that, that's where it goes. Really bad.

Yes, that's absolutely right. Oh my goodness. So much so. And I think too, they become very resilient. I think there's a piece of—

I do. Yes.

Um, when they are able to come out at any, at any period, like when they're still like at home, right? So like under 18, there is a piece of that where, you know, while they're still home with us, we're able to help them build that resiliency and build that. So when they get out. Into the world, real world. Like, they are, they are so good.

He is doing so well, like, out in the world, made friends because he got bullied in school. People would throw Skittles at him in the hallway, throw rocks at him in the hallways. And I think that a lot of even kids today, and people just don't understand that that's really, really detrimental to their mental health. Like, and gosh, they're just like us. They're just humans. They're humans just like us.

Right. Right. Well, that is where we see, and I think, you know, you and I are probably very sensitive to this, you doubly so, that being othered, right, feels so dehumanizing. And I don't think that it's always done in a purposeful way. I think sometimes it probably is, but sometimes it is not. And people don't realize the harm and the long-term harm that they're inflicting. By treating another human being like they are not human, right? Like taking away that piece of they have feelings. I mean, that's why I called the podcast this. It is recognizing, realizing, speaking to one another like we are human beings, right? You're another human being and seeing that. And I think there's, there is a huge, huge effort right now to dehumanize those who are seen as other.

Exactly, as different. And we're all different in our own ways. And it's not bad to be different. It's good to be different. We don't want all of us to be the same. Like, we're all different and we should love each other the way that we are. Right. I think one kind gesture to somebody makes their entire world different and better.

It absolutely does. And it does not take a lot. Right? I mean, it is.

It's like, just try. That's all you need to do is just try.

Yes.

Which is—

and I was going to ask this later, but I love that that is your motto. And I wonder if you could talk about that a little bit.

So I think I see like the deaf and hard of hearing community struggle with people trying to communicate with them. And so for me, it's like, just try to communicate. You can bring out your phone that you can put notes notes in there and show it to them. But a lot of people will just not try and just turn around and say, oh, I don't know what they're saying, which is not like— that's not kind and it's not nice and it's not good for them. That makes them feel not included and isolated in a sense. So my theory was, even with any communities, if you're just trying, that makes a huge impact on their lives.

Yeah, it does. It really does. I mean, far beyond anything really that you can imagine that this one action that you are taking.

Yeah.

Make, right? Um, that, you know, whether it's one kind word, one kind gesture, one, even just a hi. Yes.

Imagine walking down. Exactly. Walking down, down the street and you give somebody a couple, which I do all the time. That makes their day. Like, just one little thing can make somebody's huge day. And you don't know what they're struggling through that day. And so just one kind gesture, like, makes— it can make somebody's day.

It can. I mean, and it often does, right?

Yeah, exactly. It makes my day when someone gives me a compliment. Right? I mean, totally.

Every single time. Every single time. So I was just going to say, it doesn't matter if you look at somebody and you think, oh, they have it totally together, or they're so beautiful.

You don't know what they're going through inside.

Yeah, exactly.

You have no idea.

Yeah, right. And even the flip side of that, you know, if you're walking down the street and you see somebody who looks really downtrodden or they look, you know, maybe they're dirty or they're sitting on the side of the street, like that is absolutely the person that you should at minimum make eye contact with. Exactly.

And just smile. Even just a smile goes a long way. A hello.

Yes. I mean, it's— It's, yeah, it's things that we have kind of forgotten along the way to actually do.

We get jaded with our lives, I think. And a lot, a lot, a lot of people just think that in their heads, like, oh, she'll be fine without that, or they'll be fine. I don't need to do anything. But you never know what they're going through inside.

Well, I think too, we often are so kind of wrapped up, like you said, in our own worlds. And a lot of times we're like on our phones, right? We're like, looking down at our phones and we're not looking around us. And so we're inside of our heads, like we're locked in there instead of being out and looking around at other people and making eye contact with other people and, and having human contact. Right. And, um, so I think it is those, those little things where you acknowledge another human being. Like, exactly.

Just say, I'm here if you need me or anything like that.

Like, exactly.

It just makes a big difference in someone's life. And you don't have to be perfect. It's nothing to do with being perfect. It's just acknowledging or making them feel seen and heard.

Right, exactly. Well, there's no such thing as perfect. So I think that we also have to, like, just let go of that. There's no one way to do any of these things.

Like, yeah, and I stutter. Like, I've stuttered my entire life. Like, I've had to go to speech therapy when I was a kid. People make fun of me when I stutter, but that's just me. And I know that, right? That, that's me. Like, I've all stuttered and I always will for the rest of my life. It just means that my brain's thinking faster, which means I'm smarter.

Right? Exactly. My youngest has a stutter. So yes, I totally get that. That is something that's just part of— right? But it's like, you're being a human, being a human being. Like, we all have the things, a thing, yeah, or 2 or 3 or 4, right?

So something that's different.

Exactly, exactly. So I think one of the really beautiful pieces of your book is talking about how we can be inclusive of human beings, right? Of people who may look different than us or show up differently in the world than we do. Your parents' thing was they couldn't hear, right? But your thing, my son's thing is you have a stutter, right? My other son's thing is that he's gay. Like, you know, my— we all have our thing or thing.

Exactly.

And it's how do we look at each other as humans and include.

I feel like just to have empathy and compassion towards anybody in your thing, and I think that that's how people can be included, is don't judge them because you don't know who they are, number one, and you don't know what they're going through. And I feel like there's so much judgment on a lot of people and so much isolation and not making— not being aware of what people are going through instead of just thinking of your own self. So I think if you just have— just lead your life with kindness and compassion and empathy, I think that makes a huge difference to a lot of people in a lot of communities.

Absolutely. Oh, my goodness. I think judgment comes from fear, right?

It does. I think so, too. The fear of the unknown. Yeah.

Right. So we judge all of those things that we are fearful of, but I think there's like that piece of being aware of it, right?

Yes. Yeah.

So that's a first step. I think I'd like to just really talk a little bit more about being inclusive to people or communities that perhaps you are not part of or don't understand.

For the deaf and hard of hearing community, for one, one thing is like, I always make sure that when I have the parties that I'm in an open space and so everybody can talk and everyone can communicate. And then one time somebody was like threw something at one of the hearing guys 'cause they were trying to see them. And so that they could have been inclusive by like just moving out of the way, but instead they weren't happy about it, which I can understand 'cause you should never throw anything at anybody, but. I can understand that. And there's other ways to go about that, but they weren't aware because they weren't in the community, so they didn't know like, oh, I should move out of the way so people can see the interpreter.

I love that example because I think that is like something that— those are like the specific things. Like, it's easy when somebody says, oh, this is, this is one way that you could support the deaf and hard of hearing community. This is one way that you can support the LGBTQ community. I think those things are really, really helpful for people to then be like, oh, Okay, like I need to be more aware.

Aware, yeah.

Right? When I am in a public space. And I think too, the advice that you gave of if you are with somebody or come upon somebody who is clearly deaf or hard of hearing, who is having a hard time communicating, what are the simple things that you could do to help them out?

There's apps now that you can actually, that'll interpret for you. Like Crisil is one of them, but it would be just trying like, pulling out your phone and just putting it in the notes and showing to them and they can talk back and forth. And so that, or just like you can like lightly tap them to get their attention and even mouth like, do you need help? Like just talk clearly and make sure that they know that we're not rejecting you. Like we will help you. We're not going to isolate you or feel like you're not included in some way.

Right, right. I like that. And I think that again, it's that like human contact, right?

Yeah, exactly.

A little, even just the, like the eye contact, the, I see you and I hear you.

Yeah, exactly.

I want to communicate with you in the best way possible. What is one thing that you found or that your son has shared that has been, or if he has shared, has been helpful to him knowing that now things are good? Like, he feels like he's found his people, right? He's— yeah, he feels like he's in spaces that are more inclusive. What has made a difference for him there?

I think being able to be his authentic self and not have to hide and not, not have to feel like people are going to judge him because now he's completely out and now he he's okay if people call him names, or were before he wasn't. He was really— it was really sad seeing him through high school and stuff, but now he's accepted himself, and, and that's huge. And I, I actually do think counseling is huge for that too, because it helps you how to internalize your feelings and how you're doing. So I think that that's what helped him a lot.

Absolutely, I agree. That's definitely helped both of my kids who are out, for sure. And, and I think too, like, the— it's tough when they come out when they're young teenagers. Younger because those years are just—

Oh, those years are critical. It's one of their— their hormones are going crazy. They're like, they're— and junior high is not easy to begin with. And so like, you're going through a bunch of stuff on top of just— you're going through the other stuff on top of what you're not understanding yourself as well. And then so to have a huge support system, I think, is so, so big to their mental health. In there.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And support system can look a lot of different ways, right? I mean, you created a support system of yourself and a counselor. And who else did you have as part of that support system?

My side of the family was huge with him. And then he had his sister too, who was, who was bi through high school and stuff. And so I think that she knew what he was going through and everything as well, even though it's a little bit different. So I think that I think just having a huge support system is big, having friends, family. And then when I moved his school, his high school, because of the bullying, you know, we went to different schools to interview them because we can self— we can choice in here in Colorado. And, um, yeah, so the school that we picked was actually Columbine High School, which is the one that had the— yeah, so we picked that school and it was the most inclusive school. I was so thankful that he graduated from that school because if anybody started bullying him or if anything was wrong, the principal was right on it right away and would either suspend you or touch or you, you would get in big trouble. So they had a no tolerance policy there. And I feel like schools should all be like that because a lot of— that's where kids get bullied the most.

Yes.

And so I, I feel like the schools need to like acknowledge that and just try to help them because they're— those are the crucial years of their lives.

Yep.

Yep.

Agreed. Oh my gosh. I could not agree with you more. I struggle with that a lot where we are because that is not the case. It was really hard for my son, my daughter who is 5 years younger than him when she went through high school. She was part of the theater and she was very artsy and was— so she had a built-in community there. And it was very different for her because we already had all of these supports in place and, and, you know, had answers and, and all the things that, that we didn't have in place for him. And so, um, it was way easier for her. Still not fantastic by any means, but yeah. I mean, I love to hear that that is still something that is, you know, that schools are working on.

And yeah, that, that school was, was amazing. And I think that if everybody just comes together as a community in school and know that, yeah, I mean, it could be very, very, very detrimental to a child if they don't feel— and we, we all know that. And so it's like, I think support is huge.

It is, it is so huge. Yeah, I asked that question just because I think it's important for people to imagine what that support could look like for them. And because it doesn't always have to be— it can different people. It can be different organizations and resources that are in place. And so I just encourage to, to don't give up, just to, just to love. Absolutely. And, and, and know that there, the support is available and you might just have to look a little bit harder for it if it's not within like what you automatically think should be like your support system, right? A lot of words for saying don't give up.

Don't give up because they need you. They need you to be a happier human and a loving human.

Right.

That's all we want to do. Like, we just want to all, like, come together, and that's all they want. They're just— anyone is just like us, and they just want to be loved and feel accepted.

That is exactly right. That is exactly right. And Gosh, do we want to help make that possible, right? I mean, I know.

Yeah. And that's why I think I wrote the book too, is because I wanted to show different perspectives of life and childhood and different— just to make awareness and make everyone know that it's okay to be different and it's okay, but it's not— it's not okay to isolate someone or fit or make fun of them or judge them because it's not it's not good for yourself too, cuz you, you wanna be kind and it makes me feel, feel better when I, when I, I'm kind to, to people. So it's like, right. It makes you a happier person.

It does. It does. I think that there's a fear thing in there. When you think about people who are not kind, people who perhaps are the ones that are throwing the rocks or calling the name. Yeah. I, I think there's a fear piece. I think there, if they're kids, there's certainly things that they're perhaps learning at home. Home as well. But I wonder for adults out in the world, if they're listening to this and they're thinking, okay, I feel uncomfortable when I see somebody who's different than me. What would you say?

Why? I would ask why. What is it that's actually making you feel uncomfortable? Like, go into your own head and your own feelings and your own thought. And exactly what is it that is making you feel uncomfortable?

Oh, so good.

Yeah.

Yeah. And if they could answer that, then let's say if we have the— we have a listener who is very introspective. And so you've said why, and they can answer that. They can, whatever the answer is, what can they do with that information? What should be their next step?

I would suggest try and see how different you feel. See what it makes yourself feel like and your heart feel like if you just try something and see how you feel when you just put a smile on someone's face instead of making them cry.

Yeah, I love that. It's perfect. That's beautiful. That's why we're here, right?

Yeah, exactly.

Thank you for sharing that. Who did you write this book for?

Myself, I think, and my— the deaf and hard of hearing community and culture and people who feel different. And so for me, I wrote it to help like hearing people, deaf people, LGBTQ+ people, anybody who feels left out or like an outcast. I wrote it for the outcasts that are out there to let everybody know and to make awareness to people who don't feel like an outcast, that the outcasts need love. Like it's, it's, it's just, I try to like bring in the community. So I think that's what I wrote it for.

I love that. Tell people how they can, how they can find you and how they can find your book.

So my website is galuchihomes.com and then the, the book website is raisedinsilence.com and it's on all book platforms right now. And I was. Top new release within 24 hours. And I'm also top, top seller or bestseller with Amazon. I got number one right away. Yeah. Thank you.

That's amazing. Well done. That's just awesome. Well, Goodwill, is there anything else that you would like to share, whether it's words of wisdom or anything else? This is open mic for you.

I think just to try to be kind and just try to have a big heart because it will make you feel better and you will have a smile on your face when you know that you just made someone's day.

I love that. Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for being here.

Thank you so much for having me. It was amazing. I was so excited.

I know. I was too. I'm glad we were able to make this happen.

I know, me too.

I am just— I am So delighted.