Exhausted, Guilty, and Overgiving Is No Way To Parent LGBTQ Kids

Welcome back to More Human, More Kind. This is the third episode in our reflection series on mothering. Today we turn inward because before we can mother others, our work, or the world, we must learn to mother ourselves. This is the episode I wish I'd heard years ago when I was exhausted. Boundaries, and putting everyone else's needs above my own. As I was writing this episode, I recalled a conversation that I had with a friend probably 10 years ago now, where we joked about waking up each morning, looking in the mirror, and asking ourselves, "Who do I need to be today to keep everyone around me happy?" Eeks. Oof. So I am beyond grateful that I learned what I am going to share with you right now. Mothering ourselves isn't self-indulgent. It's essential. I'm going to repeat that because you too may have been programmed to believe that taking care of yourself, whether it is physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, all of the above. You may have been programmed to believe that those things are unnecessary or something you should feel guilty for taking the time to do. They are not. Mothering ourselves is not self-indulgent. It is critical. It means learning to speak to yourself with gentleness and kindness, to hold space for your emotions without judgment, and learning to prioritize your needs and even your wants without guilt. It's the ongoing practice of asking, "What do I need right now?" and then actually listening. Sometimes the answer will be loud and immediate. Other times you may need to get really quiet and listen to the whisperings of your soul. But know that your body, your gut, your intuition will always tell you what you need. I've had to learn how to listen and prioritize care for myself in recent years through grief, personal transformation, and sheer overwhelm. For a long time, I only knew how to function by giving, by making sure that every person around me was happy, or at least okay. But somewhere along the way, I realized I couldn't pour from an empty cup. And frankly, at that point, it wasn't just my cup that was empty. I was wrung out, burned out, and deeply depleted. Does that sound familiar? Self-mothering for me has looked like creating boundaries around my time and energy, saying no, even when, and especially when, it's uncomfortable. Letting go of the shame around resting and asking for help. Being very, very intentional about my time and my routines that are just for taking care of myself. It's a process, not a destination, and it often feels like I'm learning what the world has taught me about what it means to be productive and how my worth somehow gets tangled up in that. If taking time to mother yourself is really hard at first, here is another reason to do it. When we mother ourselves, we model to those around us what love looks like in action. Think about that for a second. We show our kids, our partners, our communities, This is how to listen. This is how to rest. This is how to honor your wholeness. Self-compassion becomes a ripple effect, and that ripple can change everything. So now I want you to take just a moment and really think about these questions: How do you speak to yourself on hard days? What does 5-year-old you need right now? Where could you offer yourself more softness, grace, or rest? Mothering yourself might be the most radical and healing thing you do this week. You are worthy of your own care. You are allowed to rest, and you are allowed to be held, even by yourself. This mantra is my gift to you as you go on with the rest of your day. Until next time, remember: you are not alone.