Hey Parents, Are You Reacting or Responding? How to Think More Clearly in a Complex World

Welcome to Beyond the Breath, the Friday edition of Just Breathe, where we get to explore thought-provoking topics to deepen our understanding of ourselves and the world around us. I have been experimenting with this new Friday edition for a couple of weeks now, and each week I have tried something a little bit different. And so, um, this is another week of another little bit of a tweak in how I'm doing this. And so I'm just going to keep each week doing changing little things until I hit on something that feels great. And feel free to reach out and let me know what you think about this new, this new Friday edition. I really feel like saying what a week doesn't even cut it anymore. There doesn't seem to be a phrase to really describe what we all have been experiencing and going through on a daily basis. And, you know, as we pull apart the strategy and the noise of this administration, which I feel like, you know, is actually progress because I feel for the first few weeks we were shell-shocked and and just, just shocked and angry and frustrated and did not have a strategy. So I feel like in the past week or so, I've begun to see a strategy begin to fall into place and more and more people speaking up in a way that is powerful and that is an effort and something that's going to do more than, let's say, wearing pink suits to the State of the Union. Like so many have already acknowledged and talked about online, that may have been something that would've made a difference even 5 years ago, but with this administration, with these particular people, It's not. It needs to be something much more disruptive, much more obvious. And so I have been really cautiously hopeful to see those types of things happening or beginning to happen. So I thought this would be the kind of the perfect time to dive into the critical distinction between judgment and discernment, two concepts that are often confused but have really different impacts on our lives and how we interact with people. So what we're gonna do today is just explore what those words mean, their different perspectives in our lives, in our interactions in the world, and then, um, some practical ways to develop our discernment and start to move away from judgment. So we're just gonna start right out with defining the two. What is judgment? What is discernment? How do they differ? So judgment often carries a negative connotation. It implies criticism, or condemnation. The dictionary actually defines it as the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing. And psychologists note that judgment often stems from biases, emotion, and past experiences rather than objective reasoning. Discernment is rooted in wisdom and clarity. It's the ability to perceive differences with a keen insight. It involves careful consideration and measured decision-making. The philosopher Kierkegaard, who was known as the father of existentialism, discussed discernment as an essential aspect of authentic living, seeing things clearly without the influence of societal pressure. So what does that mean exactly? In his book, The Present Age analyzes the philosophical implications of a society dominated by the mass media. What makes this particular book, this essay, so remarkable is the way it speaks directly to our time. This book was written decades and decades before the information age, this current time where life is dominated by information, right? Just information, not true knowledge, and there is a difference. That we need to go back to discerning the difference between information and actual knowledge. So Kierkegaard and those who have extensively studied his work have posed similar questions or questions about this concept, like, when everything is up for endless detached critical comment, such as on blogs and cable news, does action finally become impossible? And this was posed by Hubert Dreyfus at UC Berkeley. And then another that I thought was fascinating: does mass media—advertising, marketing, publicity—actually suppress revolutionary thoughts and actions. So take some time and really allow yourself to contemplate those thoughts. And if you needed to pause, if you want to go back and write this down, um, it's also in the transcript so you can grab it there. But just really thinking about the implications all around, right? The philosophical implications, the political implications, the societal implications of a culture, this culture that we are currently in, of endless inconsequential commentary and debate, one where discernment and judgment are completely jumbled, where it's too noisy, too much just chaos to be able to take the time to pause and discern. So we could go on a— down a rabbit hole with just that. I was fascinated. In fact, I spent so much time just on this section because I It was so interesting, but we're going to move on. So I kind of want to move into the psychology behind judgment and discernment, because I thought that this was really interesting, um, as well. And, and just helps, I think, pull apart these two concepts that often get jumbled and kind of mixed together. So Judgment often engages the brain's amygdala, which is sometimes also referred to as the reptilian part of the brain because it's where that fight or flight is triggered. And here is where emotional reactions can be also be triggered on based on fear, on stereotypes, or on preconceived notions. Another way to think about this is it's the subconscious. Discernment, on the other hand, is linked to the prefrontal cortex, right here, which governs critical thinking, problem solving, and rational decision making. Conscious, active awareness, right? Three of my favorite words. So let's take this just a little bit deeper and just hang with me for a second because I wanna look at the role of cognitive bias in understanding judgment in particular. So first of all, what is cognitive bias? Well, it's a general term for any mental shortcut that can lead to inaccurate judgments or decisions often stemming from our brain's need to process information quickly when things are coming at us so fast, right? And it can also be called subjective reality. So I want you to just stop and think about that for a second. Just, just in terms of what we've all been going through the past 2 months. Right? What our brains have had to take in and filter through on a daily basis. Confirmation bias is a specific cognitive bias where individuals actively search for and interpret information in a way that supports their existing beliefs, often overlooking contradictory evidence. Confirmation bias leads to quick judgments based on those existing beliefs, and it is a fundamental attribution error which makes us judge others harshly while justifying our own actions. I bring this up because we've all run into this, perhaps in our own lives, perhaps with others, and I felt it was important to kind of connect the dots to show where all of these things are connected and how they not only weave within one another, but also how they can be pulled apart, right? How awareness and active effort can pull this apart. So how can we learn to shift from judgment to discernment? One of the biggest ways we can do that is through mindfulness. Now, if you've been listening to me, to this podcast for any amount of time, you know that I love mindfulness practices. There are a million and one you can choose from, any— everything from Taking mindfulness moments, a moment to take a breath, a moment to just look away from your computer or your writing or walk outside, take your shoes off, walk through the grass, reconnect to nature, reconnect to yourself. You can Google it and find probably more than a million and one things. You can go in the App Store and buy find a ton of great apps to help you learn how to practice mindfulness. I could spend many, many episodes just talking about mindfulness, but that is probably the number one way that you can shift your thinking from judgment, automatic judgment, to discernment. The second way is metacognition, which is thinking about our thinking, right? Doing that like deeper, more personal work where we take that time to pull apart why we think the way we think, where that came from, when did that begin that way, and it really allows you the time and space to go deeper into who you are. Obviously something that takes some time and something that does take some effort. However, there is a book that was written, it's called Mindsight by Dr. Daniel Siegel. And in it, he teaches the healing power of this potent skill called mindsight that allows you to make positive changes in your brain. And it is absolutely fascinating. And again, you know, if you are one who learns well by reading and can kind of teach yourself, walk yourself through processes, I highly recommend this book. The way that he has integrated brain science into the practice of psychotherapy is fascinating. And then the third way that we can learn to shift from judgment to discernment is with curiosity. And you know, this is another one of my favorites. When we take a moment to pause and be curious, it pulls us out of that fearful snap judgment or staying almost like curled up in a ball of like, this is, this is what I know. And this, I can't think any other way. When you allow yourself that moment to pause and just wonder, right? I wonder why it shifts you out of that fearful survival thinking to that conscious, active awareness. So mindfulness, metacognition, curiosity. So what are the real-world impacts of judgment versus discernment? Well, I mean, most of these are going to come as no surprise to you. But I just thought it was really interesting to put them up side by side and to compare, contrast them in this way, especially with relation to social interactions and relationships. So judgment in social interactions leads to misunderstandings. It leads to conflicts. Social divisions. We've seen a little bit of that, right? Discernment in relationships helps us set healthy boundaries without hostility. And this is something I'm going to get into in another episode, actually in a full workshop, because I— this piece here is so important and it is something that is so useful for all of us right now. So really thinking about this, it helps us set healthy boundaries without hostility, being discerning. It helps us choose who to trust based on observed behaviors, right? Rather than snap judgments. And then I just thought it would be really, really interesting to look at how discernment specifically can foster empathy and stronger connections. And a couple of examples that are really specific to the LGBTQ community, to the ally, being an ally. So here's the first one. So here's the judgment with specific to the LGBTQ community. Someone assumes a person's gender identity or sexual orientation based on stereotypes rather than listening to their lived experience. The discernment piece of that, right? The other side of that coin, discernment, taking time to understand LGBTQ identities and experiences without preconceived notions, which leads to informal allyship and support. Now, I want to, this is something again, we could talk a really, really long time about, because I know that, you know, when you say things without preconceived notions, well, everyone has preconceived notions. They have biases, right? That's another way of saying this. This is something that takes time to unlearn. I believe you can be discerning while unlearning. So just know that there is a lot of room for grace. Within all of this. The second example is around allyship. So the judgment example is an ally feels defensive when corrected about using incorrect terminology and assumes they are being unfairly criticized. Way to look at this from a discerning angle would be recognizing that being corrected is an opportunity for growth and listening with humility to become a a better ally. And then an example from the greater— our greater sociopolitical environment. Judgment would be dismissing an opposing political view as ignorant or malicious without understanding the root concerns behind it. So how do we do that? Being discerning and not judging. This is hard, but it's so, so important. Engaging respectful discourse, being able to ask clarifying questions, and recognizing the complexity and the nuances of sociopolitical issues. This does not mean that you're going to change who you are, but it does allow you to grow your capacity for holding lots of different human beings, right? And that's what we're trying to do here. So again, this is a process. This isn't going to happen overnight. These are all pieces just to take into consideration. Okay. So how do we cultivate this discernment? Over judgment. Like I said before, we practice mindfulness. Observe your thoughts without reacting impulsively. Ask questions before forming opinions. Do I have all of the information? Am I making an assumption or am I seeking understanding? Embrace curiosity over certainty. The whole idea of that growth mindset versus the fixed mindset. Engage in self-reflection. You know, I love this one, journaling, meditating. There are so many ways that you can do this. Even just, you know, meditation. I have to say just a total aside here, but for those who struggle with meditation, Know that meditation takes lots of different forms. And one of them that I have found to be very helpful for myself is walking and allowing myself to be in nature, be moving while reflecting, allowing the self-reflection process to occur. The downside of that is not having, you know, anything with me necessarily to write on. When things come to me. But oh my goodness, definitely just know that you can add that to your, your list of things that you, the ways that you can self-reflect. And then another is to surround yourself with diverse perspectives. I know it can be hard. And honestly, I know right now that it is particularly difficult to expose ourselves to some of the viewpoints that are just way, way out there. So this is something that I really, I honor and I ask you to honor in yourselves how much time you can do this. And if there are days that you just know that it's not good for your mental health to do it, that you're on overload or overwhelm. Taking care of yourself within this is so much more important. I only offer this as an encouragement, as a goal for down the road. And it's kind of a, let's get back to the place where the different viewpoints aren't ones that are hurting others, right? That are dangerous, that are causing destruction. I think those are the things that are causing us so much pain right now. So just know that I acknowledge that. And again, there's so much nuance within all of these. And so be kind and gentle to yourself as you are figuring out what works for you. Dey's inspired action, which is what I'm calling it this week. I'm still working with, with what I want to call this, but I would love for you to either reflect on a recent situation or take the time in the next week to be really, really aware of situations that you come into contact with, where you notice yourself, whether you lean toward judgment right away, or whether— where you are with discernment. And so this is really kind of a practice and awareness and seeing what your natural inclination is. And think about how, you know, if you really like the way that you're approaching it, if you could approach it differently. And if you could approach it differently, how would you approach it differently? So I just encourage you to be mindful of your thought processes throughout the day, to be mindful of what you are taking in. And even within that right now, practice discernment in your intake of information, right? The intake of just all of the noise that's around us. There's a way right there to practice that discernment. So I thank you so much for tuning in today, for being with me today, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on the new Friday series that I'm doing. And if you have ideas or topics that you would like for me to cover, please let me know. And I just ask that you subscribe to the show, that you follow the show, and that I look forward to connecting with you out there within social media and email and all the things. Until next time.