How Parents of LGBTQ Kids Turn Fear Into Allyship

Today we're gonna talk about ways to face and overcome fears as an LGBTQ+ ally. Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester. Let's get started. Today you're gonna learn how to normalize the fear both parents and LGBTQ+ kids feel. You're going to learn how to reframe fear as a pathway to deeper connection, and you're going to be equipped with grounded tools to communicate. Welcome back to More Human, More Kind. I am so glad you are here. This month's theme is safety, and today we're talking about fear, specifically the common fears that both parents and LGBTQ+ kids carry and how we can explore these fears, make space for them, and find ways to move through them with both love and intention. The truth is that fear is often what's underneath disconnection, silence, and even, or actually especially, judgment. It can also be a powerful signal, a way of showing us what matters most. So let's start by naming what's often unspoken or what's unsaid. For parents, especially those raising LGBTQ+ youth, some of the common fears may include: Will my child be safe in the world? Will they be bullied or hurt or rejected or worse? Am I saying or doing the right things? And what if I mess up? And will they have a happy life? A happy future. For LGBTQ+ kids and teens, especially in today's climate, fears might sound like, "What if my parents don't really accept me?" "What if I get kicked out?" "Will I ever feel safe being myself?" "What if no one ever loves me for who I am?" All of these fears are real and valid and so very deeply human. I remember spinning in all of the what-ifs when Connor first came out, and then again when Grace came out. And honestly, I have been a lot lately with the uncertainty of our current political climate. Over time, as I became more aware, as I learned and unlearned, I began to be able to take a breath, to take that pause whenever a fear would pop into my mind, no matter how rational or irrational it was. I've learned to hold the tension of the opposites. I can feel the fears. And acknowledge them, and I can name them, which helps remove their power. Doing this helps me to regulate my nervous system. Fear in and of itself isn't inherently bad, right? In fact, it's often trying to keep us safe, but it can become harmful when it controls us or when it takes us down a dark road and completely isolates us. So let's reframe this thinking around fear. Fear can be a signal that something important is happening. It can be an invitation to grow, to connect, or to learn. And fear can be a compass pointing to what we care about most. What if instead of running from fear or pretending it's not there, we got really curious about it? What if we taught our kids that it's okay to be afraid, that it's okay to name our fears? Because remember, bravery, courage isn't the absence of fear. It's what we choose to do with it. One of the most powerful things we can do is simply name our fears out loud. There is an old trick called "name it to tame it," the idea being that when you can specifically name your fear, you take away its power. Sometimes there is a disconnect between what a parent or adult may fear and what kids may fear. So here are some simple practices that kind of help bridge the understanding between parents and kids or adults and kids. The first is to mirror conversations. It involves reflecting aspects of another person's communication in order to build a relationship, build rapport. Or empathy or understanding or all three. This can involve both verbal and nonverbal cues. For example, you might say, "I'm afraid because I love you so much and I don't want you to be hurt." Or you might say, "Thank you for trusting me. I'm learning how to be the parent you need." Another practice is to validate their fears. Don't try to fix them. I could do an entire episode on the power of validation because it was a huge, huge turning point for Steve and me in communicating with Connor initially, and then all of our kids. I actually made up an acronym that I use to teach this concept in depth called VAST. It stands for Validate, Ask Questions, See Them, Then Talk. The first step, Validate, helps you step out of that panic of my child is hurting and I want to help them feel better. I want to fix whatever is going on. And instead respond with something that lets them know you see them. For example, you might say, "That sounds really hard," or "It makes sense that you might feel that way," or "that you do feel that way," or "I'm so glad you told me." The second step is to ask questions. So essentially you ask questions to clarify what they've told you. So if they've come home and said, A friend of theirs hurt their feelings at school. You would first validate. So that must have been hard. That must have not felt great. So what happened is so-and-so said this to hurt your feelings. You essentially repeat back to them what they've said to you to clarify, to ask questions, to make sure you understand what they are telling you and they know you are hearing them. Part of that is to see them. That lets them know that you see them and that you hear them. You do those first 3 things as many times as you need to until you have a full understanding, until your child or the child that you are talking to knows that you really are right there with them. And then, and only then, then do you talk. In fact, in some cases, I would go as far to say, ask them if they want you just to listen or if they want to hear what you have to say about that topic. The next practice is to talk about fear as something that is shared, not something that is one-sided. Try to encourage them to share with you by inviting them. Things like, "Do you want to tell me what feels scary right now?" Or, "Here's something I've been worried about, and I'd love your thoughts." I'd actually love to hear your reflections on the topic of this episode on fear. What fear have you faced as a parent or as a queer person? How did you move through that? I'd love to hear what you have to say and what you did about it. Sometimes just sharing a fear with another person outside of your family or situation takes away at least some of the power of this fear. Sometimes what's under fear is grief. Grief about expectations, uncertainty, or feeling out of control. Sometimes it's love, deep, all-consuming love that just wants to protect. And sometimes it can be old wounds from our own upbringing or from our life experiences. When we name what's underneath, We give a layer of clarity that wasn't there before. That clarity, among other things, is information. Information that can give clues how to let it go or overcome it or just let it be. Then we can meet ourselves and our children with more compassion. Here are a few things that can help with that. Therapy or support groups, especially ones that are LGBTQ+ affirming. Journaling your fears. I know I say this all the time, but it works. Sometimes just breathing through the fear together, sitting through that together, literally doing grounding exercises as a family. And saying out loud, we are figuring this out together. We are a team. We've got that and we've got each other. Before we wrap up this episode on fear, let's check out our listener query for today. This segment is part of every solo episode now where I will answer a question I've heard or I've received over the years. So this is your official invitation to email me or message me with your most burning LGBTQ+ related question. Today's question is, can someone choose, quote unquote choose, to be gay or lesbian? I chose this one today because it is a very common question and one that is really important to address as it really touches on some deep myths and misunderstandings about sexual orientation. So first of all, no, sexual orientation is not a choice. Connor did not choose to be gay any more than I chose to be straight. People don't wake up one day and decide who they're attracted to. Attraction is something that happens Naturally, sexual orientation is about who someone is emotionally, romantically, or sexually drawn to, and it can vary greatly from person to person. For some, it may be toward people of the opposite gender, and for others, it may be toward people of the same gender or people of multiple genders. This attraction isn't something someone can control or change on a whim. In fact, research has shown that sexual orientation is influenced by a combination of factors, including genetic, hormonal, and environmental influences, none of which are things we consciously choose. Just like someone can't choose to be attracted to a specific gender, they also can't choose to change their feelings once they develop a particular orientation. Despite what some may believe, sexual orientation is not something that can be changed through willpower or therapy. There have been various attempts at so-called conversion therapy or reparative therapy that claim to change someone's sexual orientation, but these practices have been widely discredited by mental health professionals around the world. They have been proven to be harmful, leading to emotional trauma, increased rates of depression, anxiety, and even self-harm. It is important to understand that someone's sexual orientation is an intrinsic part of who they are. Just as a straight person doesn't choose to be attracted to the people of the opposite gender, A gay or lesbian person does not choose to be attracted to people of the same gender. Attraction and identity are natural parts of our humanity, and respecting them is key to building a more inclusive and more compassionate society. So to put it simply, no one can choose to be gay or lesbian. Or any other sexual orientation. It's just one part of many that makes each of us the beautifully unique human that we are. So I'd like for you to take away a few things from today's episode. Fear does not make you a bad parent or a weak child. It makes you human. And when we face our fears together with compassion, with courage and curiosity, we turn fear into fuel, into connection and safety. Fear doesn't mean something is wrong with your child. It means they are stepping into their truth and the world hasn't fully caught up yet. What matters is how we show up in the face of fear, how we choose to build with it. Please know that you are not alone in this. You are exactly who your child needs right now. I am so grateful you were here today. If this episode resonated with you, scroll down to the show notes for resources to help you combat fear, including a free excerpt from my book, Parenting with Pride. Remember, new shows drop every Tuesday and Friday. Until next time, take care of your heart, your people, and each other.