How to Still Be an LGBTQ Ally When You’re Just So Exhausted

Welcome back, my friends. I have been thinking about this episode for the past week, wondering how many others were and are feeling this intense heaviness. It's a weight that goes well beyond the current events, although certainly each day brings more than enough news to weigh heavily on our souls. News of cruelty, brazen lawlessness, and a shocking disregard for truth or any virtue for that matter. I'm talking about all of that, plus a greater energetic heaviness and discomfort. The kind that I often talk about in the sense of sitting with and sitting through. Breathing and allowing as if part of something much greater. And while I'd really love to get into the thoughts on spirituality and the work of the collective here, my sense is that this is not the time. So I will simply say, if this is resonating with you, you are not alone. I will have a guest on in a few weeks though, who will take an in-depth look at the spiritual side of what is going on right now. But for today, We're going to take a moment just to sit with this heaviness. It's okay to feel everything that you're feeling, and it's even more okay to talk about it. So I want to try to unravel what this weight means and explore how we can embrace these feelings with grace and compassion, not only for ourselves, but for others as well. First of all, it's crucial to validate these feelings. This heaviness is not imagined. It's very, very real. Change, uncertainty, upheaval can stir up a cocktail of emotions, of fear, of worry, maybe even of anger. Recognizing this is the first step. To be clear, the change, uncertainty, and upheaval we have experienced in just these past 2 weeks has been unlike anything most of us have ever experienced in our lives. Yes, I know we discussed it for months leading up to now, all the things that were being projected and discussing it ad nauseam, but actually seeing it play out is something entirely different. You may be feeling emotions or thinking thoughts that surprise you, and that's okay. This current sociopolitical climate can activate past traumas or fears, which can cause us a range of emotions from lashing out to just shutting down. These activations can also unearth areas that need healing. Or at a minimum processing. And I want you to hear this. It is so important to acknowledge every feeling, every emotion without shame or guilt. I want you to reach out to someone who feels safe to talk to. Sharing your feelings out loud can alleviate the isolation these emotions might bring. I know this can feel very vulnerable and perhaps quite difficult. I sat with all of this for over a week before I shared any of it with anyone. I know it can feel like adding insult to injury because feeling this heaviness, acknowledging it, can also expose our shadows, the pieces of ourselves we work so hard to keep hidden. And listen, we all have shadows. Perhaps sharing the heaviness and any shadows that are peeking out with a trusted person will bring you peace or at least a little clarity. If you don't have an in-person person, take a few moments right now to consider other ways you might have and find deeper connection in your life. Do you have places that you hang out virtually? Do you have shared events that you attend with others on YouTube or Discord or Zoom or other online places, other online communities? Just take a moment, hit pause, and really think about it. Think where your people are, and I'll be here when you get back. So you likely listen to this podcast because you are a parent of an LGBTQ+ person, or you want to be the very best ally that you can be. So I know I'm preaching to the choir when I say that one of our biggest worries right now is for the LGBTQ people in our lives, especially those who are transgender. Yes, the executive orders are scary and yes, they will slow and even stop progress in some ways. And I want you to hold very tight to your truths. Just because DJT and his Christian nationalist yahoo yes-men say that there are only two genders does not make it true. Just because they say vile things about trans people in bathrooms or trans girls in sports does not make it true, does not make it right, and it does not make it the opinion of the majority. On the contrary, it is the opinion of a very small group who have figured out how to be very loud, who have bought their way into being very loud. And that is part of the work moving forward for all of us, worrying less about saying things perfectly and just speaking up. Making our voices be heard, making noise, causing disruption. That is going to be the work for the coming days, weeks, and months. Additionally, I want you to really think about that sometimes the most profound support we can offer is being a nonjudgmental ear. Allowing our kids, our friends, the LGBTQ+ people in our lives to voice their fears and their hopes without interruption. Allowing that space for venting, encouraging space for brainstorming solutions and ideas and dreams for the future. Being an active listener. Knowing when to use those techniques like mirroring back what you've heard to ensure understanding, and then the importance of just listening to learn rather than to respond. To avoid burnout these next few years, each of us is going to need to pay attention to how we are feeling and dose our intake of information as well as our output of advocacy. This is going to mean resting when our body, mind, and soul signals that we need it. It could mean being very careful about the ratio of information from trusted sources of facts to general upheaval and noise from other sources. Listen, I think it is important to know what is going on. It is very important to know what is going on. But that doesn't mean that you need to expose yourself to hours of the assault of nonsense on a daily basis. Take the time to learn about the unique challenges that LGBTQ+ people face. A well-informed ally is a powerful ally. I am constantly updating the resource pages of my website, chrysalismama.com, with books, documentaries, and reputable, reputable websites that provide insight into LGBTQ+ issues. If you know of a valuable resource or book that is not listed, please let me know. And know that there are places like the Human Rights Campaign and Trevor Project and GLAAD and PFLAG that also have incredible resources on their websites. So there is a lot out there, but when we share this knowledge with each other and with others, we're part of that ripple effect that creates impact, that creates change. Make sure your home and your gathering are spaces where LGBTQ+ individuals feel safe and welcomed. Consider the physical and verbal symbols you use that promote not only inclusivity, but also safety. It is of equal importance right now that we are aware of our surroundings, both physical and virtual. Whether we are creating the spaces or guiding others to vetted spaces, we must find the balance between openness and acceptance and caution and protection. While I wish there were some magic words I could share that would help alleviate all of this heaviness, if you are feeling it, the best way is through. Meaning we can't just wave this away. We can't wish it away. We can't stick it on a shelf or otherwise ignore its existence. If we do, it will only get heavier and more difficult to sit through. The best thing that you can do is just get really curious about why you're feeling it, why the heaviness is here. And I encourage you to write about it, write down and continue writing all the thoughts and feelings that come up for you because They will continue to come up when you least expect it. So writing and continuing to write is, is probably one of the most productive things you can do and helpful things you can do in these moments. Allow yourself time to really be still and to picture where this heaviness sits in your body. Does it sit in one spot? Does it move around? Does it feel painful? Does it feel— pay attention to really what it's causing you, what it's making you feel, what thoughts are coming from this. The tools available to care for yourself through this heaviness are really kind of simple. If you feel like crying, cry. If it is exhausting you, sleep. If it is unearthing anger, find a good outlet, whether it's exercise, writing, venting to your trusted person, your friends. The tools for calming your nervous system also work for this. My favorite two, my go-tos, are always a few grounding breaths that deep breath, and this, the stroking of your arms. 30 seconds of this will completely reset your nervous system. Protect your peace by setting boundaries around news consumption and social media. It's okay to step back and regroup. It's also okay, okay to establish healthy boundaries with people in your life. Stay tuned for information on a boundaries workshop I'm holding in a few weeks, but for the time being, remember that no is a complete sentence and that you don't owe anyone an answer just because they asked you a question. Read a book, meditate, cook, prioritize what uniquely replenishes your mental and emotional wellbeing. Going for coffee with a friend or spending a few minutes chatting with a close family member on the phone eases the feelings of loneliness and isolation that arise while dealing with this heaviness. It's inevitable. Sometimes talking with a therapist can help provide clarity and coping strategies. Remember, it's perfectly okay that you are experiencing this heaviness. It means you feel, you care, and you hope. By supporting each other and caring for ourselves, we're better equipped to navigate these challenging times. Thank you for sharing the space with me today. And let's continue to support one another with love and empathy and kindness. Be kind to yourself and know that I'm here sharing this journey with you. Until next time, remember, you are not alone.