LGBTQ Allies, Is Social Media Hijacking Your Nervous System?

Welcome back, everyone. I'm so delighted you are here today to listen in on this conversation with Tracy Whitmore and myself. Uh, we are going to be talking about a lot of things around social media and wellness and just taking good care of yourself in the wild and crazy times that we are currently in. So I really— before we started recording, Tracy and I were talking about social media, which of course, you know, we could talk about for hours, I think. And I really wanted to kind of dive in right away on the thought of the use of social media. We all use it for various reasons, and I think many people get a decent percentage of their information, their news, from some type of social media. And I think over the past 6 months, there's been certainly a certain amount of social media fatigue, perhaps. I think there are probably a lot of different words we could use to describe what it is, um, you know, the feeling that we have. I know I personally got to the point where I had to completely pull myself off. And for me specifically, it was TikTok. Everybody has their, you know, their own— some people's Instagram, some people it's Twitter or X or whatever you want to call it now. And but it's the, you know, whatever one that you're just scrolling on, right? And you just can't stop. And it's like getting you to the point where you just cannot even see straight. I had to pull myself off and like really recalibrate and learn how to dose. And that's what I keep calling it. But I'm wondering if you could, if there's a better word for that and if you could share some thoughts on how we can take care of ourselves around social media right now.

Yeah. Thanks, Heather. And hi everyone. Um, I, I want to say, before I answer your question, I want to say that I'm not necessarily the best at, at what I'm about to share either, all of the time, just to be transparent. Because these platforms are designed to draw us in and to keep us on there and to keep us scrolling and to keep us, you know, like, searching for, for more and You know, that's what they're designed for. So anyone who's feeling like they're falling into the trap of the doom scrolling, like you said, or just, you know, even if it's not, even if it's looking at all the cute fluffy cats or dogs or whatever as well, that's what it's designed for. So, you know, people often talk to me about like, I don't have the willpower. To get off, or I don't have the willpower to. And it's not about your willpower. This is intentional to keep us on there and doing exactly what we're doing. So know that you're, you're responding to, you know, that in that way. It's, it's not, not saying you've got no control, but it's not really your fault. And so we do have to be really intentional to to implement things to help us get off after a certain period of time or completely remove yourself. Like, congratulations for removing yourself. I think that's really, I think it's smart and healthy. And if I wasn't running an online business that I use these platforms for to reach people so that they know that I exist and that my services exist, then I wouldn't be I wouldn't be on there either, I don't think. Or I like to think that I, I would be able to drag myself off there, right, as well. Um, you know, for me, my main platforms are Facebook and, and Instagram. I do a bit of Threads. And, you know, like, I'd love to be not on there and not supporting those platforms, but for the moment, that's where I am. And my, my other thoughts around it are that if people like me that are that are posting, um, honest, true, factual information, as well as, you know, information that helps you take care of yourself. If, if all of us remove ourselves from there, then it's going to be even worse. So yeah, so I, I just wanted to be kind of clear about that before I start talking about like, how do we support ourselves and, and, um, care for ourselves with all of the— there's, there's the disinformation and the misinformation out there. There's the, the accurate information that is, is really hard to see a lot as well. Um, and there's obviously trolls and, and people that are purposefully jumping on there to upset people and, and to create conflict and, and all of that. So there's You know, all of those, those elements I think that we need to manage, which is tough when the platforms are designed to just have us mindless and mindlessly scrolling. So the trolls, I think, is an easy one to address right away. And the best advice I can give, though I don't always listen to this advice myself, is to stay out of the comments. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes, like, I jump in the comments to get more information sometimes, and I jump in there because I know there's some great comments in there too, and I want to hear, I want to hear, and I want to see that there are lots of people, you know, supporting my opinion or my experience or my feelings. So that can be kind of the trap is where, you know, I want extra information, I want to know more about this, and I know other people will share more information. So you get in the comments, and then you're stuck with the problematic comments, the trolls, and the conflict-inciting comments, and the nastiness, right? Um, so just staying out of the comments— I know, much easier said than done— would be my clearest advice around that. And then I know that it's not black and white, so maybe it's about checking in with yourself and how are you doing today? How are you feeling in this moment? If you're feeling particularly vulnerable, then I would suggest stay right off social media if you can. Um, but if you can't or if you don't want to, then make sure that's a time that you really are strict with yourself to stay out of it. Comments. I'm already feeling vulnerable going into the comments. It has a risk of making me feel worse.

Yeah, yeah.

Doing a bit of a check-in with yourself, like, how are you feeling in your body? You know, how are the shoulders feeling? Because I know for me, like, I'm, I'm sometimes picking up my phone and, and scrolling because I'm feeling stressed and tense. Because I want, I want the mind numb. I want to be just, I just want to tap out for a little while. So when we do that and then we've just got more of the same, either the problematic stuff, you know, where it's, it's misinformation, disinformation, you know, that kind of side of things, all the information that we actually do want to know more about and that is in alignment with us. But it's hard, it's painful, it's hurtful. It's right. And we want it, we want to stay up to date, you know, then we're not doing anything for our bodies. No, that kind of sense. So one thing that I do recommend for people is literally setting an alarm on your phone before you scroll. And again, I don't always do that myself. I, you know, look at the time and go, oh my goodness, it's half an hour, that's an hour gone. What have I done?

Yeah.

Beating yourself up in response to that, really unhelpful. Again, remind yourself, this platform was designed to do this to me, and it got me at a, at a weaker moment or at a vulnerable moment. Or what I say to people is set an alarm for 10 minutes or 15 minutes, what feels okay for you to be on there. Say, say you make a decision like half an hour is okay for me to just mindlessly scroll, then set an alarm for 15 minutes. Because then what, what the alarm does is— and then when, when the alarm goes off, press repeat no matter what. Now this is the opposite to the advice I give for people who press snooze all the time getting out of bed. But press repeat no matter what you think you're going to do. Because from my experience and from the experience of lots of people that I work with and support around this is that you think, oh, okay, I'll just finish reading this one post that I'm looking at right now and then I'll get off. So you just turn the alarm off and half an hour goes by and you're like, oops.

Uh-huh.

So press repeat that and, and take a moment to pause. Like, how am I feeling? How am I feeling on here right now? Is it helpful or is it not helpful? Do I want to spend more of my time on here or is there something else that I'd rather spend my time doing? And it's okay if you— if your answer is, I want to keep going for whatever reason, that's okay. Don't, don't beat yourself up about it, but make sure that alarm's there so that you've got another check-in in 15 minutes. It interrupts that mindless scroll, right? Um, means that you're getting a reminder as such to to check in with your body, to check in with how you're feeling, to check in with your time. Like, what were you intending on doing with your time? And then the, the other thing is like understanding how the algorithms work. What— and you don't need to be, you know, super scientific or have a really good understanding of how it works, but know that whatever you engage in is what you're going to get. More of. The platforms are designed to, to read your interests through your behavior on that platform, right? So if you like seeing posts of cute little kittens and you're looking, you're searching for cute little kittens, or when one pops up on your feed, you spend more time on it, you, you keep letting it replay, That is telling the platform that you like seeing cute little kittens. If you like the post, if you comment, if you save it, all of those things are messages to the platform, to the algorithms, to say, this is what I want to see more of. So then you will get more cute little kitten posts. And then they'll, they'll test the waters and say, think, well, you know, they like cute little kittens. I wonder if they like cute puppies. I wonder if they like cute hedgehogs. I wonder if they like cute babies. So they'll, you know, test the waters and see how you engage with that. And then if you do engage with it, so liking, commenting, saving, sharing, spending more time on those, those posts, then that's what you'll get more of. So, and your searches as well. So if you're feeling like your social media is a bit doom and gloom at the moment because you've been wanting to stay up to date with the information, so you're spending a lot of time reading and listening to videos and, and writing comments and doing all of that, you might feel like it's going a little bit out of balance. You used to get lots of cute, cute cats, cute, cute dogs or whatever, and now you're getting none of that and just all of this update of information that is hard to see all the time. Then jump on your searches and search for what you want for joy, for, for like, you know, the warm and fuzzies, so that you get more of that in your newsfeed. You need to spend a bit of time on it, you know, put in the searches. I don't know why I'm saying cute cats because that's not necessarily what I look for, but it seems popular.

Um, it does, yes, they are.

You like, you know, you want to say something that's that's just warm and fuzzy, right? Just right, allows you that mindless outlet. Then be intentional around that. When you get those videos up, spend— rewatch them, like them, comment on them. If you're wanting that more accurate information, choose the people that you're following and spend more time on their platforms, do the same thing. If you want to support, um, you know, whether they're influencers, whether they're businesses, whether they're individuals that aren't, you know, considered influencers yet, but they've got information that you want to see more of, then support them by watching their stuff, searching for them, liking their, their posts. Commenting, sharing, you know, saving, all of that kind of thing, then the algorithms will give you more of their content as well as content that's similar. And that will, um, eventually push out some of the really problematic stuff that you don't want to see.

Yeah, I think the being intentional is a big piece of it, and realizing that you do have more control over it than you may realize that you do.

Yeah.

And when you do take back some of that control, I think that in and of itself can also be empowering. So you're not sitting there thinking, you know, why is all of this stuff coming at me? And I like, you know, two of the things that you said too, that I just want to kind of reiterate. The one being checking in with your body, checking in with your— just where you are mentally and emotionally. And can you— are you in a place where you can— I'll give an example. The other day, I have a bunch of podcasts that I listen to, but there's one that had dropped a new episode and they were interviewing a person that I don't care for. And I knew this person is very controversial, is very triggering, and on maybe another day would be a great, like, just kind of challenging of thinking or like offering a different perspective. But I knew in that moment I, I wasn't in the right place for it. And so I knew that if I listened to it, it would just— I could feel it in my entire body. I was like, nope, we're not doing this today. And, um, and that is kind of the lovely thing about podcasts because of course you can go back and find you know, those episodes, which is a little different than, you know, social media. But I think it is similar in that you can just really pay attention to like, you know, am I in the right place to see, you know, 5 videos? Like what if 5 come in a row of things that are just going to hit me hard or be really frustrating or be upsetting to see, or, you know, it's too much reality. And, um, So really honoring that. The other thing that came up for me that I've really been working on not doing is looking at my phone before I go to bed, being on social media at all before bed, because nothing for, you know, at least me personally, gives me a worse night's sleep than doom scrolling for an hour and then trying to sleep after that. So that is just one self-care thing that I've done that I offer as an option too.

Yeah. And I would add to that, not first thing in the morning too.

Yes.

Because that kind of sets the mood, sets the scene for you for the day. And I used to be absolutely shocking at that. And you know, you hear all of the the different people that, you know, give out all this advice around sleep or quality of your day, and they all say it, but, you know, do we pay attention? And I would, I used it as a wake-up tool, to be honest. So like when, because, you know, the blue light on your phone wakes you up, so that's why we shouldn't be on it before bed. But I used it for the opposite, like it helped me wake up properly. That was what I was telling myself, and it was true to an extent, but it was also setting my day up. Yeah, to be not helpful no matter what I was looking at, because I'm just sitting there scrolling. And an hour could pass in the morning, and I work for myself, so I don't necessarily— like, I don't have to be at work at a certain time in the day. I have to be there for clients, obviously, but aside from that, I can be a little bit flexible with my time, which is great in a lot of ways and then problematic in other ways.

Right.

And so I could just, you know, if I didn't have a client first thing in the morning, I could find myself scrolling, and then my day would be less productive. Like, I really noticed the difference once I changed that habit, that my day is so much more productive regardless of what I want to be doing, whether it's work or whether it's play. My relaxation time is more effective.

Mm-hmm.

Because I kind of did it for a little while. It's a weekend. I can do it on a weekend. No, because my relaxation time was not— then I was just kind of in this vortex of—

Right. Well, because then you're spinning, right? You're— you may—

And it's not intentional.

No, it is not.

I think the other thing is to be noting is what platforms You're on. And I don't want to be here to say which ones are better or which ones are, are worse. I think they can all be problematic in, in some ways and all helpful in some ways. Um, you know, LinkedIn, I would— I feel is the less dangerous for the, the doom scrolling, and it, you know, informative. That, that's my experience. Um, Facebook, I think my experience, and I hear a lot of people complaining about it these days, is that this in order to see that your friends, the people who you are on Facebook to see, like, you scroll through a whole heap of like ads and promoted posts, like all of that kind of stuff first. So being aware of what you're going to the, the platform for, and is it actually serving that purpose, right? Does it give you what you're looking for? Yeah, and you might be looking for different things at different times, so it might be a different platform for that, you know. So part of that intention is, what do I want out of this time that I'm jumping on social media? I think, you know, outright just going social media is bad, that's not helpful. We do get some benefit from it, right? I think it is, is helpful if we use it intentionally.

Right.

It certainly can be.

Well, I think, yes, when you assign, uh, something good and bad, it's, it's all, it's relative. So, and it's not helpful for you as a human being. So being able to, I think again, circling back to the what works for me in this moment, what do I need right now? What am I looking for out of this? And I will say that's— I love the way that you said that because I think many of us maybe already do that. If I want to, there are a few specific creators that I love to see on Instagram. That's where I see them. I go there if I want to see their posts, right? And I'll scroll through a little bit. If they don't pop up, then I'm done. I'm off. You know, same thing with TikTok now. I'm very judicious about it and And when I do see them, like, to your point, I like, I save, I share, right? So I am getting that. And then I jump over to Substack because I like reading. Like, that's my thing. And I like Bluesky because it's not X and I won't go there anymore. And, but that's my own personal thing. Like, I'm not going to tell somebody else not to do it. I don't go there because I don't like it. I don't like what's there.

Yes, I steer away. I've steered away from that for, for a long time, and I've just joined Bluesky, but I haven't quite grasped it yet.

It is similar to X in some ways, and others it's so much better. Yeah, I think it's more like Twitter originally was meant to be. So, um, anyway, I do want to shift into— because we've kind of been making this We've been talking about social media in relationship to your personal wellness and how we are in the world, how we show up every day for our work, our families, our loved ones, all the things that we do. And this is really the area that you work in and that you're kind of expanding into. You've always been in this, but you're really expanding in more ways. You were a little more niche before, correct? Correct?

Yeah, yep, yep.

Can you talk about that?

Yeah, so it was a little bit more niche, supporting parents of queer kids, and I'm still doing that work, but I am, I am expanding more into— because I'm social work trained, so I, I can offer therapy and counseling, but I'm also a health, wellness, and life coach as well. So, and I teach yoga and meditation and a whole bunch of things, so what I've decided to do is bring all of those things together and expand the people that I work with. I've always supported and worked with queer adults. I used to— I've spent many, many years working with queer young people, but as far as my business is concerned, I've, I've always worked with queer adults. But it— but, you know, my focus was more around trying to support parents to get on board so that queer people in general, regardless of their age, would do much better because their families would be supportive. And, you know, great. So now my shift is to expand more into a therapeutic coaching space. So I still offer therapy, I still offer counseling, but all of my coaching is therapeutic. So whether it's you're coming for health and wellness, whether you're coming for life coaching, whether it's parenting coaching, whatever it is, it's therapeutic approach to coaching. And, you know, that is for, for anyone, including parents of queer kids, for queer people in general, regardless of the age of their kids, um, for, for queer adults and for the general population as well. It's, it's a safe, supportive, and inclusive space, and my, my space will always be that for queer folk and families of But I really feel like there's so much going on in the world right now, and it's hitting different people in, in different ways for different reasons. And, you know, for some people, they don't feel like they need counseling or therapy. For some people, they, they do want counseling or therapy. But what I'm finding is being able to combine those things and have like a therapeutic approach to what people are wanting and needing, whether that's around improving health and wellness, whether that's around their kind of life trajectory. That bringing that therapeutic element to it really kind of, um, you know, I can switch hats in between if I need to because it's, it's all part of, you know, my approach, uh, to the world really, right? Especially my work, but it's how I, I like to walk in the world as well, because I think we need more of that. We need more healing, we need more love and support and caring and empathy and compassion and self-compassion, compassion for ourselves and others around us.

It's hard to be compassionate in the world if we do not have compassion for self first.

Absolutely.

And being— I really appreciate having this mind-body connection and approach to working with people, because all of those pieces work together.

They do.

So being able to work with people and say, okay, let's, let's take a look at these, these areas, right? Or for someone to come to you and say, well, I, I really just need some coaching on my eating and exercise, right? But as you are talking and working together, other things come up, right? Because everything is connected. And that's a lovely holistic way of teaching that none of these things happen in a vacuum, right? Our mental health does not improve in a vacuum. Our physical wellness does not improve or get worse in a vacuum. So really understanding how all of these pieces work together, our nervous systems, our emotional wellness, our, you know, all of the things. Yeah.

And it's all about paying attention too. It's like we can notice I've got tension in my shoulders, but are you listening to what that might be telling you?

Right. Well, and that takes practice too, to understand what your body's telling you, right? Because I think, you know, so many of us can be like, well, my, my shoulders are stuck to my ears.

Yeah, but stiff shoulders, right? But, but why, right?

And, and, and how do you begin to practice not only physically getting your shoulders out of your ears, but the emotional pieces of that, the, the mental pieces of that, the nervous system, your body piece of that, right? Listening to all of those connected pieces. Exactly.

And when we release our shoulders from our ears, how does that shift the way we think and the way we feel? It's a kind of tag team approach in a lot of ways. Digestion, like I'm having these problems with my gut. What is your gut trying to tell you? Why are you having pains in your stomach after eating certain foods? Like, yes, there's some, um, there's potentially some medical and scientific things going on there, but there's also other things going on. And these things, again, like you said, don't happen in isolation. They don't happen in a vacuum. So it's noticing and paying attention to, like, what? Asking the questions, being curious, and listening.

Right, right. And having a resource such as yourself, it does, it takes so much practice. So I think it's something that is, is really lovely to have somebody, a support person in your life who you can meet with or go to and say, hey, this, this, and this are going on. And they may seem unrelated to you as a you know, as you're learning all of this. But, you know, Tracy would be able to say, well, it's all— all these things are connected, or here are the different possible ways that these things connect. Let's, let's pull this apart a little bit more, right?

Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly.

Yeah. So that's so great. So you and I originally connected and bonded because we wrote books.

Yes.

And we have a mutual friend who connected us about our books and the work and love we have in the world. And your work, as we've been talking, has grown from this book, but this book is still available out there, as mine is. And so I would love for you to share about your book. Thank you.

Yeah. So it's called It's About You Too. Reducing the overwhelm for, for parents of LGBTQ+ kids, um, kids of any age. I keep saying that because it doesn't matter what age your kids are when they, they come out to you. It's got some education elements to it, like, you know, what to do, what not to do, that kind of thing. But the main focus is— the title kind of explains the, the main focus. It's About You Too. And that title came from working with and supporting parents, hearing from lots of different parents that they told whenever they, like, were seeking out any support, whether that was with a professional or a family member or a friend or whoever, um, that it's not about them, it's about their child, and they need to put their feelings aside and just be there to support their child. And whilst I agree with an element of that, which is you need to be there to support your child, it is not possible for humans to put their feelings aside effectively and sustainably. You might be able to do it temporarily, but you can't do it without impact, right? And without unhelpful negative impact. And so my, the, my book's approach is to say to parents, this is about you too. Your feelings matter. The way you think, the way you are experiencing your child's sexuality or gender identity matters. And it's important that you do the work to work through whatever you're experiencing separate from your child so that you can show up for your child 100%, you know, unconditional love, unconditional support. Show up for your child exactly how you want to and wanted to from day one of, of you, you know, wanting to become a parent. It actually does guide parents through exploring their own feelings, their own thoughts, their emotions, the things that impact them, like external sources that impact them, both micro and macro. So, you know, their, their own family experience, their own childhood experiences, throughout to maybe if they're part of a church community or another community that is making things feel a little bit more difficult than, than they need to, or challenging them. Maybe they feel torn between, um, you know, different experiences in a church or in their extended family. And, you know, how do they support their child? So it guides them on how to support their child. But, but the, the most important part is for them to, you know, work through where did their beliefs and values come from. Have they taken on other people's beliefs and values and without really thinking about, because that's what we do as humans. We take on the beliefs and values from the people around us as we're growing up. And, and if we don't check in with those, whether or not they feel aligned to us at different moments in our life, because they might feel aligned when you're 10, they might feel aligned when you're 20, but they might not feel aligned when you're 40. And they might, and some of them may, and some of them might not. So, you know, the, the book guides people through. It shares stories of other parents that I've supported. I've tried to splatter different variations of stories so that regardless of what a person's experience is, they might hopefully be able to see a little bit of themselves in their own experience in there. Obviously, I've changed the names and any identifying information. From, from those people's, those families' stories. But the idea is to remind parents that it is about them, and it's important to do the work because they need to be showing up for their child with 100% unconditional love and support so that their child can, can thrive in their life as well.

I love that.

I love that.

Yes, it's so good. All right, I want to everyone to run out and order Tracy's book, and I will have links in the show notes where you can do that. I'm so happy that you were on today, that we reconnected, and I look forward to sharing this with the world.

Thank you, Heather. It's been so great to catch up again and have this chat with you and, and share share the, the chats about social media because it can be really tough at the moment.

Yeah.