Love vs. Feeling Loved | Guidance for Parenting LGBTQ Teens

In today's episode, you'll discover how loving your kid and your kid feeling loved are two completely different things. Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast for parents of LGBTQ+ kids and anyone trying to stay human in a world that keeps hardening. I'm Heather Hester, and here we talk about fear, belonging, boundaries, courage, love, and what it means to protect what matters without losing yourself in the process. Your child doesn't just need a parent who's informed, they need a parent who is grounded and strong. Let's take a breath and let's begin. Welcome to More Human, More Kind. I'm Heather Hester. I want to ask you something, and I want you to sit with it for a second before you answer. Does your child, your partner, family, your best friend, the people that you love most in the world, do they know that you love them? Not do you love them? I already know the answer to that. You're here. You're listening to this. You love your kid, your family, your friends with everything that you have, but do they feel it? Those are two very different questions. And today we're going to sit in that gap. What I've learned both from research and from the hundreds of conversations I've had with parents and kids is that love unrecognized isn't doing the job we need it to do. Especially right now, especially for LGBTQ+ kids, especially when there are other voices out there that are very good at making our kids feel seen. Some of those voices are wonderful and some of them are dangerous, and knowing the difference matters. So what is love, actually? And is the person or the people you're loving most in the world actually receiving it? Let's talk about it. In today's episode, you'll learn exactly what the difference is between loving your child and them feeling loved, and you'll have the language to start closing that gap this week. You'll understand why LGBTQ+ young people can be especially vulnerable to love bombing in online and community spaces. And what actually works to protect them. Hint: it's not rules or warnings. And 3, you will walk away with 4 specific practical things you can do right now to make home the most compelling source of belonging in your kid's life. So I'm not going to define love for you. You've been loving people your whole life. You don't need for me to hand you a dictionary entry, but I do want to offer something. Love in its truest form is active. It's not just a feeling you have. It's a thing you do repeatedly, even when it's hard, especially when it's hard. Gary Chapman wrote about love languages years ago, and while that framework is imperfect, the core insight holds. People receive love differently. What makes one person feel cherished leaves another person feeling nothing. Not because the love isn't real, because it isn't landing. It isn't being received as love. For parents of LGBTQ+ kids, this matters more than almost anything else I can tell you. Because your kid came out to you, or they're in the process of coming out to you, or they're watching you to decide if they ever will, they are scanning your face and your words and your actions every single day for evidence that the love you have for them includes this part of them too. Not the version of them you imagine, Not the future you planned. Them. All of them. So this is the question your kid is asking without using words: Does your love include who I actually am? The Family Acceptance Project has been tracking this for years. Family acceptance is one of the single strongest protective factors for LGBTQ+ youth mental health. Not tolerance. Acceptance. There is a difference. Here's where I want to gently challenge you. Most parents I talk to are absolutely certain they love their child unconditionally. And I believe that they believe that with all their hearts. But unconditional love, love and felt love are not the same thing. If I tell you I love you and then I flinch when you mention your girlfriend, if I say I support you but I ask you not to bring it up at Thanksgiving, if I go to your events but I spend the whole time looking uncomfortable, that is love that is not being received. That is love with conditions attached that I haven't said out loud yet. Your kid is not wrong to feel uncertain. They are reading real information. And this isn't about blame. I'm not here to make you feel like a bad parent. If anything, I want to say this: the fact that you're listening right now means you care. That already puts you in a different category. But caring isn't the same as communicating. So let me ask you, when did you last say something to your kid that specifically, clearly included who they are? Not, "I love you," at the end of a phone call. That matters. But I mean something more like, I see you. I am proud of you. The person you are is someone I want to know. That kind of love, the kind that gets through. Every family has a love language, a set of practices, rituals, ways of showing up that say, you belong here. Maybe it's Sunday dinners. Maybe it's the way you text each other dumb memes or funny TikToks. Maybe it's the fact that your kid calls you first when something goes wrong. These rituals matter enormously. They are the infrastructure of belonging. But sometimes when a kid comes out, those rituals quietly stop including them. Inviting someone into your home to paint is a big deal. You want people you can trust, people who show up on time, respect your space, and do the job right the first time. That's exactly what we do at Heather Hester Painting and Decorating. With over 58 years of experience and a commitment to true craftsmanship, we treat your home like it's our own. Creating masterpieces one wall at a time. To schedule a consultation, go to go.heatherdecorating.com/mhmk. That's go.heatherdecorating.com/mhmk. Conversations shift. Certain topics become off limits. The energy in your home or at the table changes. And here's what I want you to understand: your kid feels that. Even if nothing is said, even if the official position is, "We love you no matter what," the subtraction speaks. What I encourage families to do is this: look at your rituals and ask yourself Honestly, does my kid see themselves in this family's story right now, or are they watching from the outside? And if it's the second one, what's one thing you could do this week to close that gap? It doesn't have to be grand. It doesn't require a speech. It might be as simple as asking about the person they're dating. The way you'd ask about anyone using their name, listening like it matters because it does. Okay. So now I want to talk about something that doesn't get discussed enough in the parenting space. Love bombing. You may have heard this term in the context of romantic relationships where someone overwhelms a partner with attention. Affection and devotion very quickly in a way that creates this intense attachment before all the red flags have time to register. But love bombing can also happen in communities and the LGBTQ+ community is not immune to that. In fact, there are specific reasons why queer young people can be particularly vulnerable When a young person comes out, especially in a family or community that's still figuring out how to respond, there is a hunger, a real legitimate hunger to be seen and accepted for who they are. That hunger is normal. It makes sense. And it often gets met beautifully by the queer community itself, found family. Chosen family, deep, real connection with people who just get it. The Trevor Project's research shows us this clearly. LGBTQ+ youth who lack family connection turn to online spaces to fill that gap. And most of the time, what they find is genuinely good. But the data also shows that kids with lower family connectedness have more negative online experiences. The two things are related, but it can also be exploited. Groups, online spaces, even individuals can offer that rush of total acceptance, instant belonging. You are loved here. You are safe here. We understand you in ways your family never will. And for a kid who is starving for that acceptance, it feels like coming home. The problem is some of those spaces are not what they appear. Some are manipulative. Some are isolating. Some are run by adults whose interest in your child is not what it should be. And the pattern looks like love bombing. Intense. All-consuming, rapid attachment followed by gradual separation from family. So as a parent, what do you do? First, you understand that the antidote to love bombing is not lectures, warnings, or restrictions. Those will only push your kid closer to the thing that you're worried about. The antidote is being a better source of what your kid is looking for. If your kid is hungry for total acceptance, feed that. Not perfectly, not overnight, but consistently, imperfectly, from the heart, genuinely. Second, stay curious instead of alarmed. When your kid mentions a new community, a new friend group, a new space online, ask about it with interest, not interrogation. Interest. What do you like about it? What makes you feel good there? That's it. You're gathering information. You're keeping the conversation open. Third, watch for the separation signal. Love bombing in any form, in any community, eventually tries to create an us versus them scenario. When your kids start saying things like, they really understand me, not like you, or you wouldn't get it. That can be just normal teenage differentiation, but if it intensifies, if family time disappears, If there's secrecy around who they're talking to, take that seriously. Not with panic, but with awareness and presence. Come back to the relationship, get curious, and make home a place worth returning to. Fourth, say directly Age appropriately and without fear. There are spaces online and in the world that feel really loving and accepting very quickly. And sometimes that's real, and sometimes it's a strategy. I trust you to notice the difference, and I want you to know you can always talk to me. That conversation plants a seed. It gives your kid the language they need, and it keeps the door open. So here's what I want to leave you with today. Love is not just what you feel. It's what you practice. It's what the other person receives. Ask yourself today, does the person I love most know it? Not in general. But specifically, do they feel included, seen, claimed by me? And if there's even a flicker of uncertainty in your answer, do one small thing this week, one concrete thing that says, "You belong here. I see you. All of you." That's it. One thing. Love is proven in the small moments that no one else notices, the ones your kid will carry with them for the rest of their life. Did this episode help you feel empowered or more grounded? Share that feeling with others by following and reviewing More Human, More Kind. That helps the show be heard by others who are feeling just like you. And if you are seeking community, check out the Kindred Collective. You can chat with other parents, get access to incredible library of resources, and ask me questions live on monthly calls. The link to learn more is at the top of the show notes. Until next time, keep becoming more human and more kind. Your space says something before you ever do. 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