One Conversation Can Lower Your LGBTQ Child's Suicide Risk by 40%: Here's Exactly What to Say

What if one conversation could save a life? For LGBTQ+ youth, it just might. Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester. Let's get started. In this episode, you'll learn why suicide risk is higher among LGBTQ+ youth and what's driving it. You'll learn how to spot warning signs and open life-saving conversations. And you'll learn practical ways to be a safe, affirming presence for the LGBTQ+ youth in your life. And be sure to stick around until the end for this week's listener query. How do I talk to my teenager about suicide without scaring them? Welcome back to More Human, More Kind. I am so, so happy you are joining me today for this really, really important episode. Today we are talking about teen suicide, specifically suicide risk among LGBTQ+ youth. September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, and every year I've tried to either bring in a specialist or an expert to talk about this topic or bring together a lot of different pieces of information that I've learned over the years. And this year I'm doing something a little bit different. I am really, really happy that you are here today to talk about this topic, to talk about teen suicide, suicide in general, with me to learn more, to perhaps even bring up some questions that you might be having that you would like to continue after you listen to this podcast. Today. So I know that this— I've now said the word probably 6 or 7 times, and the word suicide, the topic of suicide is not something that people are comfortable talking about, that we say out loud at the dinner table or just bring up casually on a Saturday morning. But maybe we should. Maybe it is something that we need to be talking about. Over and over, just in real conversation. Because the truth is, silence, especially around our LGBTQ+ kids and family members and friends, can be deadly. Like I mentioned, this month, September, is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, and it is my intention to help take the fear out of these conversations for you and to help you learn what to look for, what to say and what to ask, and how to bring awareness about this topic, this very real topic of suicide. So why are we talking about this? Why am I bringing this up? Why am I telling you this? Well, for a million and one reasons, but one of the reasons is that I've experienced signs of this in my family. I've experienced very scary, real moments that have led me to feel very passionately about this topic. And I'm guessing that you may have too. A few years ago, I was speaking with a client, with a mom who had just learned that her 15-year-old daughter had been self-harming. This mom was understandably terrified, not just because of that specific behavior, but because she didn't know how to start the conversation about self-harming, about suicide, about the feelings and the thoughts that behind all of this, she was really afraid that saying the word might put that idea into her head. And we are going to bust that myth in just a minute, but here is the truth. Avoiding the topic doesn't make it go away. It just leaves our kids to navigate very dangerous waters. All alone. According to The Trevor Project's 2024 national survey, 41% of LGBTQ+ youth seriously considered attempting suicide last year, and nearly half could not access the mental health care that they needed. These numbers are not surprisingly higher for trans and non-binary youth and for those living in unsupportive or hostile environments. It's really, really important that you understand that this risk isn't caused because one is LGBTQ+. It is caused because of the rejection the bullying, the family conflict, the discrimination, the lack of support that comes at a person who identifies as LGBTQ+. I want you to really hear this because this is one of the many really big myths around this topic. The higher risk of suicide for LGBTQ+ youth kids, young adults, people in general, isn't because they are LGBTQIA+. It is caused because of the rejection that they experience, the bullying that they have to put up with or go through, the family conflict that they potentially are dealing with on a daily basis. Or the discrimination that they're facing on a daily basis. And in general, just the lack of support. Suicide prevention isn't just about stopping a tragedy. It's about building daily safety nets of affirmation, trust, visibility. It's also about Being available, asking the hard questions without judgment or fear. When LGBTQ+ youth have at least one accepting adult in their life, their suicide attempt risk drops by 40%. 40%! That could be you. In a minute, I'm going to teach you a really effective tool that will help prevent suicide in any loved one. But first, I want you to know the warning signs, what to watch for. And these are just a couple, but it can be things like sudden withdrawal, changes in mood, drastic changes in mood, giving away belongings, increased talk about hopelessness, or death, risky behavior, and substance use. I want you to know that you do not need to fix everything or anything even in the moment. Your job is to listen, to validate, and to connect your child, your friend, your loved one with professional help is needed. Statistically, the process from the emergence of suicidal thoughts to the accomplishment of a suicide attempt, and thus the time, this time for intervention is generally quite short. I'm talking like less than 10 minutes. So I want to share a tool, something that is the combination of actually two life-saving tools that I have learned from two previous podcast guests. The first tool was created by Ann Moss Rogers. She was a guest of mine in September of 2023, episode 105. Go take a listen to it for more details. She teaches a version of the crisis response plan that she actually adapted from Dr. Craig Bryan. The second tool was created by Jackie Simmons of the Teen Suicide Prevention Society. She was a guest of mine in February of 2022 on episode number 55. And again, I encourage you to listen to the entire episode to learn the backstory, to learn more of the details behind that. But she talks about, she teaches what she calls quote unquote, the talk, the talk to have with your teens about suicide. So right now, if you can, if you're not driving or walking or doing something, pause this episode and grab a large index card and a pen, because I want you to write this down. If not, just bookmark this so you can come back to it and do this later. So I found that doing this exercise with with your child, with your loved one or friend makes it much more likely that they will feel comfortable doing this and therefore really put in the effort, the thought, and be more vulnerable with their answers. What you're gonna do is you're going to start the conversation by asking, have you heard about the rise in teen suicide? You will then follow that up by asking, "Do you have a friend who has tried or died?" And finally, you will ask, "Have you ever thought about leaving that way?" It is really key here not to panic if their answer is yes. Take a deep breath. And move into this next crucial part. On the index card, you are going to write the answers to the following questions. First, what are the reasons you like your life? The second part of the first question: What is one thing that makes you want to stay here? Or one thing that makes you want to live? Number 2, what is your favorite memory and what is one thing that reminds you of that memory? Now, it is really, really important that if they do not have an answer for either question 1 or question 2, that you calmly call 911 or take them directly to an ER. Moving on. Number 3, if they have been able to share at least one answer, have them write the name of at least one person that they know has their back. And again, you are doing this with them. One person you know that has your back no matter what, and the best way to contact them, their phone number, their email, their text, their Snapchat, their DM. Whatever is the easiest way to contact them. On the back of this card, write a list of favorite crisis numbers and websites, such as the Trevor Project, the US-Canadian Crisis Text Line, the Trans Lifeline. I will put a whole list of these in the show notes for you so you can just copy and paste them from there. This index card should then be put in a place where it can always be accessed and/or seen, like the bathroom mirror or a bulletin board in your bedroom or in your office, in your wallet, in your car, someplace that you see the face every single day. According to the National Institutes of Health, the NIH, research on the neurological impact of conversations about suicide is still developing. What we do know though, is that talking openly and supportively about suicide with your teenager is widely considered to be a crucial step in prevention. And does not increase the risk. I want you to hear that. It does not increase the risk to talk about it. Here is how having the talk and creating this index card can help. Really, really specific ways it will help. First, it reduces the stigma and the isolation. Openly discussing suicide with in your family or with a friend can help to normalize conversations about mental health and create a really supportive environment for your kids, your teens, your young adults, making them feel so much less alone in their struggles. 2, it encourages help seeking, meaning It encourages them to seek help. When they know that they can talk to a trusted adult without fear of judgment, they are so much more likely to share their thoughts and to seek out help when they need it, whether it's now or down the road. It provides an opportunity for intervention. These regular conversations allow parents to recognize their child's specific warning signs and intervene early, connecting their teen with professional support if needed, when needed, before it's too late. It enhances social connectedness, meaning these online and social media-based interventions, when properly implemented, can also enhance feelings of connectedness, of being seen, reducing feelings of isolation, of feeling like a burden, both of which are highly associated with suicidal ideation. It strengthens emotional regulation and decision-making. Neuroimaging studies suggest that adolescents at higher risk of suicide may have altered connectivity between the emotional, the limbic system, and self-control regions, the prefrontal cortex of the brain. Fascinating, right? While of course more research is needed, interventions that strengthen these brain pathways, such as learning emotional coping strategies through psychotherapy, doing these types of exercises or creating these types of tools or this type of tool that we talked about today, these things can potentially help. So moving forward, I would like to start a new segment that I introduce right after I kind of talk about the the research that I've done for the show, the topic that I've done for the show. And I'd like to introduce it as something where it's a section that I don't prepare for, a segment that I don't prepare for, and something that I just really speak to you from the heart, my response about what I've talked about for that particular day. And I thought this would be a really, really good episode to start this segment, this Human Moment segment on, um, because this topic is really, really personal for me, as I'm sure it probably is for you too. As a mom of LGBTQ+ kids, I have had moments where the fear of this very thing, the fear of suicide, my children Thinking about it, ideation, attempting, dying from. The fear about this has been suffocating. It has been isolating. It has paralyzed me. All of the what-if thoughts that come with that. Uh, the reality, the really fully understanding that my love alone cannot protect them. From every cruelty in the world, that it cannot alone be what prevents a tragedy from happening. But what I've learned is that my presence, my belief in them, my unwavering support or affirmation or, and I guess I should say, continued learning and loving and seeing them and validating them, all of those things, they create a shield, a shield to protect them. And while it's not perfect because nothing is, it is powerful. I say all of this as a mom who has slept on the floor of her child's floor because I've been so afraid for them because they have been in such crisis because suicide was an option that was on the table that was talked about, that was attempted. And because I did not have these tools at my disposal at that time, and that is one of the biggest reasons that I want to share these things with you now in a really imperfect way, because I want you to know that it's okay to be messy and imperfect and not quite know what you're gonna do next other than be there for your kid and learn everything that you can to be there for your kid. So in some way, I hope that was helpful for you today. I do believe that sharing these these really, really human moments, these really, really raw experiences are just as powerful and just as meaningful and just as helpful as the moments that are filled with information and research and facts and truth. So, if you've been with me for a while, you know that I have loved our listener query segment. It has been such a great way to answer your questions and bust myths. And so I've been thinking, what if we could take that same curiosity and make it even more action-focused? So starting in 2 weeks, we are evolving Listener Query into something I'm calling The Unlearn. Each week I will tackle one common myth or bias or assumption, something that we've been taught to believe, and together we'll break it down, reimagine what's possible, and end with one tangible action you can take that week. It'll still be grounded in your questions and stories. So please, please, please keep sending them in. But now it will be part of your allyship, your weekly allyship practice. So let's get ready to unlearn, reimagine, and act. Today's listener query question is, how do I talk to my teenager about suicide without scaring them? Which of course I thought was a perfect question given today's topic. And if the information that I shared with you already was, you know, not enough, or you need a little bit more help, hopefully this will be it. Frame it as care, frame it as you are concerned, as love, as curiosity, not as— sometimes when we, even when we don't mean to, when we let fear get in there, it can come across way more intense, more like an interrogation. So really think about it before you bring, bring it up. You may have to get yourself just really, really grounded. And before you, you start the topic, before you start the conversation, but it is important, equally important to let them know that you have noticed changes. And that you care so deeply about their well-being. Use your open-ended questions. Remember, that's always, always going to get you further than closed-ended questions. And think, practice perhaps beforehand about your tone, trying to make it as warm as possible, really thinking about What does it sound like when I'm fearful or controlling or scared or just super intense about something, right? And then what do I sound like when I'm in that like, I'm walking in place? If you can't get there, try to get to neutral. Share resources like all of the ones we just talked about. Normalize that sharing. Bring this up over and over again and normalize that we all need support from time to time. This isn't singling them out. This isn't that they are unusual or that something is wrong with them. Everyone needs support from time to time. And if they're not ready to talk, Let them know that you are available whenever they need you and just keep showing up consistently. That's the best that you can do. I know this episode has been heavy, but I hope that it has also helped you feel really empowered. Today we explored why suicide risk is higher among LGBTQ+ youth and what's behind it. How to recognize the warning signs and start conversations, and how to implement the life-saving combo of the two tools I introduced. You do not have to be an expert to save a life. You just have to be willing to show up, ask clear and direct questions, listen without judgment, and remind someone they are worthy of love exactly as they are. That's prevention. That's hope in action. Thank you so much for showing up today for this hard but crucial conversation. Your presence matters more than you might ever know. New episodes drop every Tuesday and Friday. So be sure to subscribe so you never miss one. And if this episode was helpful to you, please share it with someone who needs to hear it. Check the show notes for resources. Remember, I have information about the Trevor Project, the Trans Lifeline, and other crisis hotlines. With love, compassion, and the belief that Kindness can save lives. Until next time, take care of yourself and each other.