Parents and Allies, Accountability (STILL) Matters - What We Can Do NOW

Welcome back to another week of Beyond the Breath. I'm so glad that you've decided to join me. This is becoming more and more fun every week as, as each week goes by, putting together my thoughts and ideas just keep jumping into my head. So I'm, I, I get more and more excited as the more ideas come, um, and ideas that I know are good for this Friday pod as opposed to the Tuesday pod. So the thought for this week has really been rolling around in my head for quite some time now, and it is accountability. The fact that accountability matters, being accountable and to ourselves, being accountable to others, and just the entire concept of accountability. And I'm guessing that hearing that, you know, you know where where I'm going with this, but I invite you to sit with me as I, as I chat about this for a little bit and just, I would love to know what comes up for you. The whole concept of accountability is one that I particularly love because it is, it is something that as my children got older and older, it became more and more important to, be a trait, a character trait that they learned was important, that we modeled for them. And, um, you know, in the past couple of years, especially with everything that has gone on in our country, I've really recognized how important accountability is. And I just wanted to share a little bit about you know, where it came from for me, how I learned accountability. It was not something that I learned as a child or as a, you know, a young, young person. I have always been a, a very sensitive person and, um, aware of others, aware of how others feel. In fact, almost to, you know, I think you probably, some might call me highly sensitive. Always very, very aware of others' reactions to, to me, to things that I say, to things that I do, and just very observant of others' behavior. So for instance, you know, how people's energy might be when they come into a room, how their mood might be. Kind of allowing that to guide how, how I am in that space, how I respond in that space. And so I bring that up because that was definitely a superpower, so to speak, of mine as a younger person. And it certainly helped me, guide me through my teen years and, and young years. And, and it really Even though it is now something that I no longer— that no longer works for me, it helped keep me small and as invisible as possible. So I bring that up because even though I was aware, I didn't know what to do if I hurt somebody's feelings. That was not— if I realized that I had hurt someone or I had said something that was that was wrong or I had done something that had caused someone else, you know, to be upset in some way. I was so scared when that happened. I was so fearful of that happening and I didn't know how to fix that. It was so scary to me to, you know, now I think, well, you just tell them you're sorry. You own your behavior, right? You own what you said. You apologize for what you did, whatever it was. But at the time, those younger ages, I, I just was so incredibly fearful. And that fear really guided me and, and guided my decisions and how I handled things for, for quite some time. And I share that because I imagine that there are others that might feel that way or might have felt that way when they were younger as well. And it really wasn't until I met Steve. And I, I realized this when I was thinking about it the other day, and I was chatting with somebody about this and kind of thinking back to when did I really re— realize or figure it out or begin to practice being accountable, taking accountability, owning things. And it was when I, when I met Steve. And I now can look back and understand that I was able to do that because I felt safe with him, because I knew that no matter what, he would love me and he would not judge me and he would talk through things with me. And so, you know, this is almost 30 years later and, uh, this has definitely been a very slow growth thing over the past 30 years, but something that has grown to be incredibly, incredibly important to me and how I move through the world, and also for my kids and them learning to do that as well. Not only to do that with their— to own their own stuff, but to help others learn how to do that, right? To hold others accountable for their behaviors, meaning when they see things that they know aren't right, when they see an injustice in the world, when they see behaviors that are not okay, to call it out. And I, I've recognized that the more that our, our family pod of 6, that when we own our behavior, that we are— when we are accountable, when I can say, hey, I really screwed that up, I'm sorry, and I can acknowledge how that made another person feel, as well as saying, hey, that, that behavior is not okay, and opening up a space to be able to discuss that. That, that being able to do that within our family builds trust. It has built trust. It has deepened the love that we all have for one another, and it extends grace and I just felt so compelled to talk about this today and to share this with you all today, because it has puzzled me that Trump has never, ever been held accountable. And some of you may be saying, well, he was held liable and, and he was impeached and he has 34 felonies and all of that. But for all of the lies, for all of those things, for all of the outrageous comments, the cruelties, the just horrifying behavior, not one of those was followed through with any kind of consequence. There was— there's been zero accountability. And this is a pattern, of course, that, I mean, has always been for him. But with every single one of those egregious comments or lies that no one called him on, it has emboldened him to say more, to do more, to continue this pattern. And I believe that once he really was in the public eye, you know, we can just say, let's say that that started in 2015, right? Once he came down that escalator, that the— every time that he did that and he was able to do that, it, it emboldened him. And at first it was just kind of a Everybody found it to be off-putting and kind of shocking, but like, oh, that's, that's just him, right? And, and it became, how can we throw people off? And I think that it— I don't think it started out as an actual strategy. I believe it is a strategy now, though. To be clear, you have to have a conscience to hold yourself accountable or to be held accountable by somebody else, which of course he does not. And of course, it, it does seem that many around him now do not have a conscience. Um, most narcissists are incapable of holding themselves accountable or being held to account. The question is, how did we get to this place that we have So many who are— it's almost impossible to hold them accountable now. How did this happen? So these are the things I share, and it's really a question I don't accept— expect to be answered today. It's more a question that I'm posing for you to think about. And certainly this is a topic that I think that I will I will continue in, in the coming weeks because it's one that I just— the more, the more I thought about it this week as I was preparing for this and writing notes and looking things up, the more I thought, well, I don't really have an answer for this, and I don't really know what to do? What do we do when we have someone who has absolutely no respect for any of the institutions that were put in place? The Constitution, any check and balance, right? Three separate but equal branches of government, no respect for that. That's being completely just chopped apart and disregarded. So what do we do? What do we, the American people, do while this is going on? How do we strengthen who we are, how we walk in the world, so that we can all come together and agree and do something about this? Which I believe is completely possible, is really thinking about why accountability matters and why in general it matters, why it matters in our personal lives, why it matters in our relationships, personal relationships, friendships, and professional relationships. And so I just made a little bit of a list of why I think accountability matters, and I encourage you to add to this. Um, first, which I had mentioned earlier, is it builds trust, which if we don't have trust, if you don't trust yourself, you can't trust yourself to be out in the world either. It's very difficult to trust others. So trust is really important within any relationship structure. Whether it's work, parenting, teaching, etc. Taking accountability is always a teachable moment. It models, among other things, emotional maturity, which is something that is not necessarily inherent. It is definitely something that you need to have modeled for you to learn it. It helps you stay aligned with your values and your belief system. Holding yourself accountable or being accountable and being accountable to others can help you take that pause, uh, that I talk about a lot, whether it's before you make a big decision or react to something or jump into doing without thinking. It helps you keep your word to others, to honor your commitments. It creates an instant support system when you are accountable to other people. So again, I bring this up because it is one of the biggest checkpoints or traits that are missing from the orange fascist clown and his ten-ring circus of asshats. There really is not one human among them who has the wisdom, the maturity, the emotional intelligence, the internal fortitude, the depth of character, or otherwise humanity to hold him or any of the fascists gone wild to account. So I had started a list of the actions and non-actions that just— that have happened between the inauguration and now, just kind of out of curiosity. And I wasn't sure— I'm not sure— I'm not going to share the whole list because of course as I got started, ones just kept jumping to my mind. But I'm gonna share just a couple I think have stood out to me. And I actually want to, I want to add one that jumped into my head when I, right before I started this. And it's one that happened during the election that bothered me, uh, for many, many reasons. But, uh, a big reason is that, um, it was started about my hometown, which was Springfield, Ohio. And I'm sure in me saying that, you know what I'm talking about is the the Haitians are eating the dogs and the cats comment. And I still remember when he said that as I was watching it live and thinking, this is extraordinary. I mean, horrific, awful, cruel, obviously inaccurate, dangerous. And being absolutely— and thinking, this is so outrageous. That certainly, certainly people will see this. Certainly people will hold him accountable for this. And yet people didn't. It was commented on, became a million memes, but there were people that actually believed that. There were people that stood behind their justification of that. And I remember at the time thinking, oh my gosh, if he's not held accountable for that, I mean, and that's on top of the thousands upon thousands of lies that were told, that he told before that, the absurdities, the outrageous claims, the, you know, we could go on and on. I just keep thinking, at what point are we all going to come together and say, Enough, enough. If it wasn't the cats and dogs comment, you know, could it have been when the tragic plane crash into the Potomac he blamed on adversity higher? Could it have been then? Could it have been, or could it be the inciting of January 6th? It's documented everywhere. He incited it. The attempt to rewrite that, say he didn't, say it was a day of love, which is so egregious and horrific. The release of 1,500 J6 criminals on Inauguration Day. None of that. No one is out there. And by no one, I mean people who are in points of power right now to actually do something about it. Not the Supreme Court, not anyone in the justice system, not— certainly nobody in Congress, or not enough people in Congress, because there are people in Congress who are doing their damnedest. But this needs to be a majority pushback. And I believe part of that, which is why I'm doing this today in a way that is, of course, could be a lot more, um, pointed and, and eloquent, but I am literally speaking to you from the heart on this one. We just need to keep saying it over and over and over again, right? Everyone's voice needs to be raised. Every single time he says something, we say something back. We make noise. We call it out in our circles. We talk about it with people and, and have conversations with those who may not think it's a big deal or may not see why it's a big deal. We have conversations, we hear conspiracies, we stop them, we debunk them, right? With accurate information, with facts. Facts matter. Just because he and those around him repeat inaccurate information, misinformation, disinformation, flat-out lies over and over and over does not suddenly make that information accurate or true. It's still wrong, flat-out wrong, not factual, inaccurate, whatever you want to say. It's okay to call out their hypocrisy. It's okay to call out this stunning double standard. It is okay to say, hey, listen, I'm coming from a place of recognizing that no one here is perfect. I'm not standing here on the other side saying that everything was perfect. That there weren't changes that were needed. I'm saying let's do that in a way that takes into account humans. I don't really have a specific call to action for today, and I certainly plan on revisiting this topic. Today was certainly more of a, a practice of really, really speaking from the heart and, and sharing what I know is bothering all many of us. And you know, that goes to one of the things that I feel very, very strongly about in this world, which is to let others know that they're not alone in what they're feeling. So the call to action is more of a call to just contemplate accountability and what that means for you. Think about where your accountability game is for yourself and with others. Think about how perhaps holding yourself and others accountable can create small shifts within your family or within your community, and thinking about how that might ripple out into the world. I've really, really liked the past two weeks ending this Friday pod with a section on doing good. And I have been playing with different names for this section and, and today it felt like what I wanted to bring up was something inspired, inspired action or inspired compassion. So this is still a work in progress. If anybody has any thoughts on this, um, I'd love to hear it, but it completely slipped my mind that last week was Random Acts of Kindness Week. And so I realize that that may not land well with you, or it, it may feel like it's just not enough, but it felt really important to share and to talk about here at the end this week. And because showing another human kindness always matters, it always makes a difference. It doesn't matter how small it is. So I'd like for you to just sit with that. Think about how you can go out into the world, out into your day, out into your workplace, because it's very, very, very easy right now to get all swirled in anxiety and the fear and the worry and the just awfulness of what's going on. And when we can pull ourselves out of that long enough to show another human some kindness, to do something kind, to say something kind, it has a way of just pulling us right out of that spiral. So that is my challenge for you for this week, my gift to you for this week. Until next week, be safe and stay strong.