Parents, Healing Your Nervous System Can Help Your LGBTQ Child Thrive

Welcome back to Just Breathe. I am so happy that you are joining me today. I am really happy to bring today's guest to you. I think the timing is absolutely perfect given the state of everything that is going on in our country right now. And I know that many of us are feeling just a level of anxiety and uncertainty and overwhelm. And I've had this guest here before, Kelly Lubeck, and I am really happy to bring her back on today. She's gonna teach us a few nervous system tools and strategies that we can use to really help us get through these next few weeks and then on into our lives. And she is offering also to all of my listeners, to all of you, Kelly is starting her next Befriend Your Body class. I have actually done this class with Kelly. It is amazing. I cannot recommend it any more highly. And she is offering just for the next few days a discount for those of you who are listening just in these next few days. So this is time sensitive. I highly encourage you to take a look at the show notes. All of the links will be there. But just as a little reminder, if you don't remember Kelly from a few months ago, Kelly is absolutely so passionate about changing the world for the better through her individual and group and then community-level healing programs that inspire health, embodied leadership, and heightened capacity for change. Kelly helps conscious leaders and changemakers stay grounded and centered in their changemaking so they can deliver and lead impactful work enjoy meaningful relationships, and have deep connection with their purpose without sacrificing body, mind, and spirit to their mission. Kelly's work happens at the intersection of deep and soulful coaching, science of the nervous system, public health, shamanic healing, yoga, mindfulness, and 25 years of experience leading service-based programs around the world. I am so honored to call Kelly a friend, and I am delighted to have her back on the show today.

Welcome, Kelly. I am so happy to have you back on the show. It is so much fun. We were actually— Kelly and I were just sitting here chatting, and I think we could probably chat for like 5 more hours. We have a lot of catching up to do. Um, but I am so, so thrilled to bring Kelly to you right now at this moment in time, at this moment in history. And, um, because Kelly, as you may remember, is just brilliant and understands how our bodies work in a way that I just have never heard from another person. And I've learned so much from Kelly in the last year working with her both one-on-one and in groups about how to really understand my body and what it's telling me and to honor what it's telling me. And I thought that this would be a really awesome time to bring Kelly back to you all so that she can share some ways that we can get through these final few weeks of this election cycle, which I know has been very stressful, very anxiety-inducing for most people. And I think especially for those who it is a very, it's very, very personal. And so it's hard to not feel it in our bodies. And so with that, Kelly, thank you. Thank you so much for being here and for just doing the work that you do in the world.

Mm. I'm so grateful to be here with you, Heather. And yes, to needing 5+ hours or a sleepover to, to do all the catching up on all the things. But I'm so glad to be here and just want to acknowledge, yes, it is an incredibly challenging time to come into feeling calm and stable when there's so much up in the world and when you have kiddos or you are a person whose body is so affected by what's going on in the political world and by potential policy changes that could be made or are being made. And it's also so important in these times that we are not walking through the world in a state of constant nervous system dysregulation because one, it feels really bad, primarily. Two, it makes it really hard to engage in a way that's meaningful with our kids, with other humans, with our communities, in leadership, in whatever, you know, if we're out making change or teaching or supporting others or in whatever way that looks like, if we are walking around dysregulated, it really has a ripple effect. And this is, this is shown in science. We know that this, thanks to mirror neurons, this really ripples out. And on the flip side of that, when we're able to come into a state of calm and regulation from an authentic place that's really steadied and has been able to find stable, that also ripples out. And as we look at our political scene, if you— I'm assuming most of your people are in the United States. If we look at the political scene, there there is a lot of severe dysregulation on a collective level and at an institutional level, and that it has a big impact. So the more we can show up calm and regulated and well, the more that we're going to support those out in the world, including our kiddos.

Yes, yes. And that actually goes to one of my favorite things. When you send out your communication, you always end it with, the world needs you well, which is such a lovely reminder to all of us, because to your point, it is so easy, especially as we are concerned about our kids and our families and ourselves and things that we hold very, very dear. It is hard not to take that all in and hold on to it.

Yeah.

And I know I showed up to a group that Kelly and I are in together last week, and I was like, I am like vibrating right now because I was just so I'm like, okay, I just need to like, to remember, you know, the, these, these, the things, right? I need to remember how to take care of, of me, take care of my body, not allow all of this in. So Kelly is going to share some things with us today that will help. And, and then we're going to talk a little bit more about some, some further things that, that everyone can do as well.

Okay, so before we go into some techniques, what I would like to do is point out that if you're listening and watching, Heather is wearing a striped shirt and I am wearing a leopard or jaguar print shirt. So I'm pointing this out because we are both, um, walking in clothing of our Jungle animal friends. And why is this important in the nervous system world? Well, we're not going to get into a big teaching on freeze today, but there's the, the animal kingdom has a lot to teach us about how to be in our bodies and what our animal bodies are. Because in a, in some form, we are animals. We are two-leggeds walking on the planet. And then we have our four-legged friends that actually have a lot to teach us. So if we are walking around jaguar mode or tiger mode, there is a certain ferocity, there is a certain embodiment that is very different than if we are walking around like a gazelle, or if we are walking around like a rabbit, who are— those are prey, right? And we are in the clothing of— if we call ourselves the jaguar and the tiger, we're in the clothing of predators. And I, I, I just find it really delightful that this happened to be the case today because it's so relevant for the nervous system work. Now, if we take— can I do a really quick story on the— yes, yes, yes, please. So if I'm a jaguar pursuing a gazelle or an impala, in the wild, we can both run 70 miles an hour. I am probably going to outpace the gazelle or the impala, and eventually the impala will likely collapse in, in frozen energy because the impala has this built-in survival mechanism so that it does not experience the pain of death. In this, in the animal world, which is something that she's at risk of experiencing. And so what happens in the wild is I might pursue this prey, and I, the jaguar, might pursue this prey, and then the impala or the gazelle go down, appear totally dead. Well, I don't like dead prey. They're not interesting to me, and I don't want to eat them. So it's also not only do they not experience the pain of death, but they also play dead, which then leads me to be repelled, me as wild animal to be repelled and go on my way. What we'll see happen when the impala's sort of spidey senses or impala senses wake up to know that the jaguar is no longer in the room or in the wild right near them, the impala will actually start, they've gone totally into freeze, right? But as they're coming out of, out of this state of, of frozenness, it'll start to shake and tremble in a really, really amazing way. Like, not pretty, not graceful, but it's this big shaking motion that happens. And what it's doing is it is shaking off all of this survival stress that was spinning inside of it while it appeared to be dead and totally frozen. And as it's doing that, it's actually releasing the stress of being both chased and also feeling like it might be dinner. So I share this without going into it in depth. And of course, I talk about this all the time. So if I missed pieces that feel important, Heather, feel free to jump in. But I speak this because sometimes it can feel like, especially when you're feeling like a protective mama or protective parent, or dad towards your kid, your senses get very, very heightened. And you might also have a feeling of a level of collapse or frozenness because you are feeling like collectively you are prey in some form or another, or your kid is prey. I'm speaking very specifically to your community. So what we want to do is make sure that we are not walking around in what's called functional freeze, kind of shoving down the experience that's actually happening in our bodies. And so one really important thing is, this is going to sound so basic, is to just move, move the body. If you start feeling stressed and you're on the news cycle or, you know, you're scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, walk outside and move your body. Maybe do some shaking, stomp your feet, shake your shoulders. Do this with me. Shake the shoulders. Shake your body back and forth, whatever it is you need to do to kind of move. What we want to do is release this energy, right? So that's something that is really, really helpful so that we're not walking around accumulating more stored survival stress. So in one of the programs that I teach in and guide, you know, we do a lot of work around this freeze piece. And I'm of course doing the 3-minute soundbite for your listeners so that, you know, people have a general sense of it. But the idea here, you know, the take-home is basically you wanna make sure that you're moving your body. Second, well, first let me pause there. Was that clear? I know I explained it in a kind of roundabout way. Is there anything that you would add to it based on what you know and have heard?

That's one of my favorite things that you teach, and I've heard you teach it a number of times. And I, you know, seeing it the first time when you first showed it, because it was a visual, is quite extraordinary. And then to realize that that in fact is what our bodies are doing when we are taking in all of this. And it's just wild. And that we don't do the shake-off, like we stop it. We're just in freeze, right?

Totally.

I think this is like such an important piece right here, because this is why, you know, we get sick. This is why we collapse. This is why we're exhausted. And I think it's It's so easy to say, you know, kind of to your point, like instead of like when, in, when you're in that freeze, when you're in that like overwhelm or you're just amped or whatever that does to you, get up and move.

Yeah.

Because it's so easy to just like close your eyes and you just wanna curl up into a ball and go to sleep or just like, right. To get into that like small tiny space. So I think that's so.

Thank you.

So, so important.

Yeah, great. Thank you for that. And thank you for reminding me to speak to this piece of the— we humans don't do this. So this is what we can learn from our animal, our, our, our animal friends, is that because we as humans in, in this modern world tend to— whether it's a kid getting yelled at by a parent or someone being reprimanded by a boss or having a bigger like big T trauma that happens, or, you know, reading the news or watching the news, what happens is we experience this heightening of emotion and nervous system dysregulation or this heightening of survival stress. And then we tuck it away to stay professional or to make sure that we're being presentable or make sure that we're not getting too dysregulated in the external, right? And so what we wanna do is make sure that we are doing the release because so often we go into this freeze state and we can be very, very functional. Many of us are very functional in the freeze state. I have so been functional in the freeze state. It does catch up with you. And so we, what we wanna do is release what we can of that survival stress. That's a really important piece.

Yes.

So then another thing that's really helpful, and I mentioned, you know, go outside, move your body. I'll just use that as the segue into getting outside. So outside in nature, we have trees and rocks and plants and animals and the sunrise and the sunset and the moon cycles and these different ways of, um, sort of staying in rhythm. And, you know, the, the leaves where, where both of us live, they are they fall, and then, and then winter come— well, they turn very beautiful, they turn color, and then they fall. And then in spring, those trees bud, and then they come back to life, and then we have beautiful green trees, right? So this is a cycle in nature that we see. We so often forget that we too, we humans, are also part of the natural world. And so the more we connect in with the natural world, the more it actually supports our nervous systems because we tend to, and this is part of, you know, the beloved screen thing. We are so disconnected from the natural world because we are living in these unnatural cycles where we're on the screen, we're on our phones, we're doing the news cycle 24/7. When we step outside and actually engage with nature in ways that connect us with natural cycles. It helps us attune to our own natural cycles, which is very, very regulating and soothing for the nervous system. So very, very simple thing. You can look out your window and take a look at a tree and notice its roots and its branches and its leaves, and you simply connect in— I'm using the example of the tree— connecting with being rooted. Imagine that you have roots into the ground, connecting with the branches. The branches can actually grow more when the roots go deeper. Connecting with the leaves. The leaves have their ways. The leaves could be like the stress we want to shake off as we come into fall, right? So it's time. It's time to shed some things and let them go. Like, how do I connect that in with what's happening in my world? So just simply connecting in with nature and getting views, literally the standing outside and looking at the landscape view or looking at a forest or looking at the park engages our parasympathetic nervous system, which is our rest and digest, our love and connect. It's also our freeze, but it's the more evolved part of that part of the nervous system is what gets engaged. So we're able to actually settle our systems. Getting out and watching the sunrise is one of the most potent things that you can do for your nervous system. It sets us into alignment with the natural world. It actually shifts our circadian rhythms. It helps support our circadian rhythms, which support our hormones, which support— and hormones, I don't mean just reproductive hormones. I mean, those total cascade of hormones that support all of the different functions in our bodies and our management of stress. So natural world. And then what I would love to say, what I'd love to do is just take a moment and guide through an exercise, if that sounds good.

Yes, please.

And this is one that is really about bringing safety on board. And so often when we're in a state of feeling like the world isn't safe, the— what is it, Chicken Little?

The sky is falling.

The sky is falling. Thank you.

I mean, the world isn't safe. That kind of feels like maybe what they'd say today.

Totally.

Okay.

The sky is falling. The sky is falling. So when we have that feeling of the sky always falling, what do we want to do? We actually want to get into a place of feeling safer, which is that, that desire to kind of curl up into a ball that you mentioned earlier, right? Just get under the covers and feel safe and snuggle up and what have you. So this is actually a way for us to engage a level of safety after you go shake it off.

Okay.

All right. So what I'm going to have you do is, is just settle into your seat. If you'd like to lie down, you can do this, but I, I suggest doing it seated. And then if you're comfortable, you can gaze down the tip of your nose or even close your eyes for this.

Don't do this while you're driving.

Don't do this while you're driving. Thank you, Heather Hester. Please pull over and do this. We are in support of your nervous system and everyone's health and safety. That's right. So you're basically going to take a soft gaze or close your eyes and then feel the back of your body making contact with the seat that you're in. So your legs on the chair, your back against the back of the chair, and just bring your awareness to what it feels like to settle in and feel your body connecting in with what is physically holding it. And then what I'd like you to do is scan your body. So you're going to begin at the crown of your head, and then almost as if you're shining a really soft light just move the light scanner down your body so slowly until you come to your toes. And you're just noticing, what is the state of my system right now? It's the rhythm I'm feeling, what's happening in my body. And then I'd like you to notice, as we feel into the uncertainty of these times, specifically what's happening with this election cycle, notice what is stirred up in your body. Where do you notice sensation? We're just checking in with the body. Is there movement in your belly? Does your heart rate quicken? Do you feel tingly in your hands or your feet? Is there a desire to run? Is there a desire to fight? Are you feeling some of the wild animal energy? Is there a desire to hide? Just notice what's in your body as you feel into this. And then with your noticing of the sensation that you're getting, your body awareness. What I'd like you to do now is bring in a being that represents safety and comfort to you. So that could be a partner, a friend, a parent. It could be a four-legged, a pet of yours, or it could be an imagined big wild animal that feels safe and comforting to you. It could be a spiritual figure or someone who has passed on, just bring them in and imagine them standing right in front of you and just breathe into their presence and what their presence does for your nervous system. How does it feel to have this being with you? And noticing what happens to the sensation as you connect in with this being. Does anything shift? Does it start to— does other sensation come? And then if you like, go ahead and scan the body again. Just noticing what shifted in your body as you brought in this being that represents safety and comfort. And then I invite you to take in the safety and the comfort that that being, that person or spiritual being or pet or wild animal or ancestor is for you. So just taking in, and then we're gonna let them leave the space while you keep the effect within your body, noticing that. And then as you're ready, take a big deep breath in through the nose and a big sigh out the mouth. And like that, in through the nose and a big sigh, longer this time, out the mouth. Last one, in through the nose and a big sigh out the mouth. All right. And so with that, you're just paying attention to what shifted. And I'd love to hear, Heather, if you have any observations for what shifted for you that you'd like to share.

Yes. Um, absolutely. So I tend to feel stress and anxiety in my gut and in my chest and my heart. And I feel it, um, like tightness. So I could like feel, you know, just everything kind of clenching, clenching up. Um, breathing, first of all, just the breathing in and of itself, like remembering to to actually breathe because I do that and I think so many people do that where they just hold their breath and you're not sure how long you haven't been breathing at all. I mean, obviously long enough to still be alive, but like, you know, there's that, like all of a sudden you're like, oh, I haven't taken a like full breath or we like breathe like really shallow all the time. And I catch myself doing that. And so I think this exercise is particularly helpful. For that and taking that pause. And I mean, I immediately felt like, like the expansiveness, right? Like I immediately felt my breath like drop all the way into my gut, into my stomach. And I just, everything like, like released. And that was what, 5 minutes? Maybe 7 minutes, maybe. I mean, not. Not long and it's something that you can totally do on your own. I think that's, it was, it's also the other thing that I think is very valuable from that is having kind of your anchor, you know, being person or, you know, four-legged friend or, you know, I think that's so helpful to kind of help like, oh wait, that's something that I can anchor into. That's very helpful.

Absolutely. And I want to credit— I, um, that's kind of an adaptation of something I learned from Resmaa Menakem, um, in his book My Grandmother's Hands. But I really love that one because it just helps to bring safety on board, and it helps us connect in with, with what is possible within our systems in terms of the, the regulation or the calm that is actually available to us. So I love that. Thanks for, thanks for playing. And of course, we'd love to hear if you are listening and you did that process, what shifted for you? So please share if you would like. So I would say those are some really helpful tips for getting through and just moving through. And then of course, community, right? Coming into relationship with other humans. Engaging the social part of our nervous system, which is such an important piece. We often hear about fight, flight, freeze. We don't hear about this really essential piece, which is meaningful social connection that activates the parasympathetic nervous system because we are wired to be in community with others. And I think sometimes it can feel very unsettling when we look about us and see, especially right now, that things are quite unstable and unpredictable. And it leads us, or it can lead us to believe that we are all alone out there. And when you're supporting your kids and wanting to make sure they're okay, it can feel very much like you're all alone out there. And when we connect in, in meaningful ways with other humans who we know have our backs and who we know care about us and we care about them, and where we have the capacity to share and express what's happening in authentic way, that is actually really, really supportive for our nervous systems as well. And it steps us out of these sort of modern habits that we have of always being connected online, right? So really, really important as well. I can't emphasize that one enough. And this stuff is so simple, right? Go connect with a tree. Go shake your body and walk outside. Go connect with other humans that you care about and can have a meaningful heart-to-heart talk with. And, and see them in real time. Zoom, Zoom is helpful. It's nice to connect on Zoom, but it's, it's very different when you go and connect human to human, face to face. So yeah. So yes.

And I think that is such helpful. Um, we kind of forget that sometimes it doesn't, it doesn't have to be difficult. It doesn't have to be complicated. Um, and that if it, you know, it brings you release, it brings you just calm, then Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. So thank you.

Thank you.

Well, I would love just really quickly to talk a little bit about your upcoming program. I talked, you know, I think I hinted at it that I, Kelly has this amazing program. It's called Befriend Your Body. And I was a part of her program back in the spring when she did it. And it really is quite extraordinary. It is for everyone. I just said this a little bit ago, but it is really, there's there's not like a, if you're feeling this way, then this is for you.

It is.

If you, it doesn't matter whether you are the most nervous system regulated person ever, is that a thing? Or if you feel like you're falling apart, like you will learn something, you will connect, you will peel back later layers, you will heal, you will understand. I think one of the biggest things is just like coming back into connection with your body because we are so disconnected. Brain and then body, right? And it's bringing back those two into communication. So yeah, I leave the floor to you to say what you would like to let everybody know.

Sure.

Thanks, Heather. Well, as Heather said, it's a program that's really about supporting your nervous system and your body. We spend 12, 13 weeks really doing a deep dive of understanding the the, the science behind why we do what we do, why we establish the patterns that we keep, behavioral patterns, um, different relational patterns, understanding how the nervous system is influenced by everything— our, our, our relationships, our history, our, the relationship to the news, um, all, all of the things in the ways that our nervous system engages in the world. So We really peel back the layers on that. We go deep into understanding freeze and the different functions. And then we look at how to support you in getting what you need so you can walk in the world from a state of calm and self-regulation and being able to stay steady even when everything around you is spinning. And I think it's particularly important right now because the world is in a— it's kind of fever pitch intense on so many fronts, right? Political, global stuff, the environment. There's just so much that's stirred up right now. And the more that we as humans can show up and be in our bodies, which means we can be calm, we're not exploding at our neighbor or on social, we are able to tap into the wisdom of our body and to help make decisions, to help understand what our next steps are. If you're up to big things or big projects or, or doing exciting things, like Heather just published her book and is, and doing speaking on her book right now. Like these are some big things she's stepping into. If you're stepping into big things, how to grow your capacity to be able to navigate bigger and harder things in your life, it can be so, so supportive for that. And it's really about You being able to walk away with the tools you need to walk in the world in a way that you can really make change, make a positive ripple, take— be an incredible parent or caregiver and contribute to what I think so many of us are craving, which is a sense of peace and wellbeing on the collective level with your own individual well-being and calm. And, you know, sometimes it's really hard to put words to it because people get such different effects, but I think, or different results. But what I have found for people is feeling so much more regulated with their kids, having a greater connection with their partner, not feeling so triggered by kids or parent or partner or life. Being able to access joy in a way that so often we actually forget what, what it is to experience the fullness of feeling. And so in addition to tucking away the hard feelings, sometimes people tuck away the feelings of joy as well. And so it can be, it's almost like we're taking the, the big heavy blanket off so you can have a fuller experience of life and meet the world in a more authentic way. So if you are called to come in, we are starting again at the end of October and would just love, love, love to welcome you and welcome you being able to really be a source of calm in times of chaos and be able to go out and do the work or the parenting or the change-making that you're out there to do.

Fantastic. Thank you so much for this work that you do, Kelly. It is amazing. Everything you all will need to know about joining Kelly's Kelly's next program of Befriend Your Body will be in the show notes. Um, and if you have any questions, feel free to reach out and either I will answer them or I will direct you to Kelly. And I am just so grateful that you were here today and to share these very actionable strategies with all of us during this uncertain time.

Yes, I'm so grateful to be here as well. Thank you so much, Heather, and thank you for your beautiful work and all of your service that you're creating and doing out in the world. Such a gift.