Parents, How to Move Beyond Performative Allyship

Hey everyone, and welcome back to Beyond the Breath. I'm Heather Hester, and today we're gonna talk about the many ways allyship can show up in your life. Before we get started though, I want to apologize for posting this episode 2 days late this week. We were traveling for baseball for my youngest, which was so much fun for all of us. However, it, also answered the question, will I have time to create and record a podcast while on this type of trip? And I found out the answer is a resounding no. So lesson learned for the future. Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about the word ally and the action of being an ally, especially as I have been thinking the last few months about how I can better serve and inform and reach you. I've given a great deal of thought to the ways I've been an ally myself and the ways others have been allies to me, and also the ways allyship can be a piece of the solution or a solution. Allyship is more than passive support. It's an active ongoing commitment to justice. Equity, compassion, and love. So the question is, how can we be better allies to different communities, all different communities? So let's define what it means to be an ally first, because I think that gets a little confusing or confused sometimes. Allyship is not a label, it's an action. It's about what you do, not just what you say. Being an ally means listening, learning, and taking action even when it's uncomfortable, especially when it's uncomfortable. Can you think of a time when you've done that? A time when your heart was beating out of your chest and you knew you needed and wanted to use your voice to take a stand? Maybe it just burst out of you as a passionate monologue or a string of compassion-filled words, or maybe you were able to take a deep breath and calmly stand up while meanwhile sweating from every pore of your body. However it has shown up, now think about who it was for: your LGBTQ+ child, Your sister, a friend who is a race, culture, or religion different than you, a colleague whose physical or mental ability is different than yours. Now think about what happened or why it occurred to you to stand up or to be an ally. Last week's podcast guest, Celia Daniel, made a powerful request on the pod. She said, "This is a time like no other for allies to come forward, to stand up, that those we are allies for are exhausted and scared and need our support and voices like never before. We need to knock off the performative allyship." which is essentially the act of appearing to be devoted to a cause without taking any real actions to support it. So some of the examples of this might be social media activism, posting with hashtags or commenting on accounts when a topic is hot, but dropping it after the news has cooled. Another example might be organizing charity drives or voluntourism trips as a superficial display of support without really addressing the root causes. And another is companies releasing statements or selling products to appear socially responsible while continuing to exploit marginalized communities for profit or use those profits against the very communities they claim to support. Authentic allyship is a lifelong journey of learning and unlearning, of acknowledging, owning, shifting, and growing, and of using our voices Taking action when it is hard and scary and doing that over and over and over again. So next, I think we need to really think about who needs allies and understanding a few of the different communities that need allies now, especially now more than ever. Of course, I'm always going to start with the LGBTQ+ community. Allyship means advocating for equal rights, standing up against discrimination, using inclusive language, and normalizing conversations about identity and orientation. One of a million ways to show our support within this community is by respecting pronouns, and educating others on their importance. For example, an employer implementing inclusive policies such as ensuring health benefits for same-sex partners can foster a more welcoming workplace. The next community or communities are racial and ethnic minorities. Being an ally here means acknowledging systemic racism. It means amplifying voices of people of color and supporting policies that promote racial equity. A powerful example is when white allies participate in protests such as the Black Lives Matter protests, not by leading the conversation, but by using their privilege, our privilege, my privilege to amplify Black voices and to advocate for police reform. The next community that really needs allies and allyship are people with disabilities. Advocacy includes pushing for accessibility, recognizing ableism, and using appropriate language that respects people with disabilities. A great example of allyship is businesses ensuring their websites are screen reader friendly and their physical spaces include ramps, elevators, and accessible restrooms. The next community is women and gender equality. Being an ally here involves challenging sexism, advocating for equal pay, and supporting policies that promote gender equality. A strong example here are male allies in the workplace actively ensuring women have equal speaking time in meetings and calling out instances of mansplaining or gender bias. Another community that especially right now needs allies are immigrant and refugee communities. Fighting xenophobia means standing against anti-immigrant rhetoric, supporting humane immigration policies, and helping organizations that provide legal aid. A notable example is community groups that organize the Know Your Rights workshops for undocumented individuals, ensuring they have the information needed to protect themselves. And another way that we can show up as allies are around mental health awareness. Destigmatizing mental health means normalizing conversations about therapy, supporting mental health days, advocating for better policies. A real-life example of allyship is when a workplace adopts mental health-friendly policies such as providing access to counseling services. And encouraging flexible schedules for employees dealing with anxiety or depression. So what are a few simple ways that we can show up and act and be better allies? Well, first of all, we need to listen and we need to learn. Educate yourself by listening to people from marginalized communities rather than expecting them to educate you. This is so huge. This can include reading books, attending talks, and following activists on social media. For example, reading Caste by Isabel Wilkerson to understand systemic racism can be an eye-opening step. The second way is to use your privilege for good. Speak up when you witness discrimination, but also make space for others to speak. One great example here is when a male colleague ensures a female coworker's idea is acknowledged in a meeting rather than being dismissed or credited to a man. The third way is to amplify voices. Share work, stories, and platforms of marginalized voices without speaking over them. A concrete example is sharing and citing work from Indigenous activists when discussing land rights issues instead of summarizing it in your own words. Another way is to challenge your own biases. Acknowledge your internal biases and work to unlearn them. Remember, we all have these. This is not a finger-pointing exercise or a statement of judgment. Acknowledge that they're there. One example of doing this is recognizing how media stereotypes shape perceptions and making a conscious effort to consume diverse narratives, such as watching films by Black, LGBTQ+ and disabled filmmakers. Show up consistently. Go far beyond hashtags and one-time activism. Support communities through actions like voting, donating, and advocating using your voice. For instance, Instead of only posting about LGBTQ+ rights during Pride Month, consistently supporting LGBTQ+ organizations year-round is a meaningful way to show allyship. Be open to criticism. If someone from a marginalized community corrects you, take it as a learning opportunity rather than a personal attack. A good example is someone being corrected for using outdated terminology. And responding with gratitude rather than defensiveness. And finally, support legislation and policy changes. This is a huge one right now that we all can be involved in. Advocate for systemic change, not just individual acts of kindness. This could mean pushing for policies like paid parental leave, police reform, or stronger anti-discrimination laws. A key example is allies lobbying for the Equal Rights Amendment or writing to their representatives about disability rights legislation. So what does true allyship look like out in the world? Speaking up, extending opportunities, and challenging the status quo, even when it's uncomfortable, even when, like Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, your voice shakes and sweat is running down your back, even when you don't have a perfectly curated statement ready. Maybe especially then. Humans connect with other humans when they are messy and vulnerable. And real. If we wait until the timing or the words are perfect, we'll be waiting for far, far too long. My challenge to you today is to share a story of authentic allyship that you have witnessed or been a part of. This small action can be the spark of encouragement that another person needs. You can take it one step further and make it a goal to act as an ally for someone this week. Remember, those who have been caught in the crosshairs or outright targeted are exhausted. It is time for us to step up and speak out. If you need some additional inspiration or resources, check out the resource page of my website for books, podcasts, documentaries, and organizations to support. And if this episode spoke to you, please share it. Someone in your life probably needs this message just as much as you do. Thank you for being here, for showing up, and for caring. Until next time, take care of yourself and take care of each other.