Parents of LGBTQ Kids: The Biggest Mistake Allies Make When a Child Comes Out (Interview on No Guilt Mom)

In today's episode, you'll discover the biggest mistake parents make when their child comes out. Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast for parents of LGBTQ+ kids and anyone trying to stay human in a world that keeps hardening. I'm Heather Hester, and here we talk about fear, belonging, boundaries, courage, love and what it means to protect what matters without losing yourself in the process.

Your child doesn't just need a parent who's informed, they need a parent who is grounded and strong. Let's take a breath and let's begin.

Welcome to More Human, More Kind. I'm Heather Hester. Before we jump into today's episode, I wanted to share something a little different with you. Recently, I had the chance to be a guest on the No Guilt Mom podcast with Joanne Krohn, and we had such a thoughtful conversation about something I know so many of you struggle with: the fear of saying the wrong thing when supporting an LGBTQ child. So many loving parents and allies want to show up well, but feel frozen by uncertainty or worried that you'll mess it up. In this conversation, Joanne and I talk about how allyship doesn't come from perfect language or having all of the answers. It comes from connection and curiosity and the willingness to grow. We also dig into 3 simple mindset shifts that can make a huge difference. I loved having this conversation because it gets right to the heart of what we talk about here all the time, being more human and more kind in the moments that matter most. So today I am sharing the full interview with you. I hope you enjoy it. Let's dive in.

Welcome to the No Guilt Mom Podcast. I am your host, Joanne Cron, and today We are covering a topic that so many parents have a lot of fear around. It is supporting your kids who are LGBTQ. And many moms, they wanna be supportive, but they feel frozen by the fear of saying the wrong thing. And you might be reading and listening and learning, yet you're still second-guessing yourself in real conversations. And I just wanna assure you that it's not a lack of love or values. It's the pressure to quote unquote, get it right in a world that feels really judgmental right now and divided. And the real issue isn't that you don't know enough. It's that confidence doesn't come from perfect language and support isn't about having all the answers. It's about how you show up when things feel a little messy and that your confidence, it's gonna grow with a few simple mindset shifts that make connection possible. Even when you're afraid. So in this episode, what you can expect is we are gonna talk about how to support your LGBTQ child without saying the wrong thing and how to move from fear to actually feeling confident as a parent ally. And finally, how to lead with that kindness while keeping your boundaries. By the end of this episode, you are gonna have some simple and practical tools that you can use in real conversations, not just ideas that sound good on paper. And these shifts are gonna help you feel calmer and clearer and more grounded when it matters most with your child, with your extended family, with society, and with yourself. And to help us do that today is the amazing Heather Hester. She's the host of the podcast More Human, More Kind, and the author of Parenting with Pride. As a speaker, author, coach, and LGBTQ+ advocate, she helps parents, allies, and organizations move from fear to fierce. Informed Love, Clarity, Compassion, and Courage. She believes in the magic of connection and that kindness and belonging aren't just a feeling, they're a practice. And with that, let's get on with the show. Welcome Heather to the podcast. I, I'm so excited to have you here today and to talk about how we can support parents.

Thank you for having me. I am delighted to be here to talk about this and to to meet you. This is fantastic. So thanks for having me.

It's a really scary world nowadays to be a parent, especially the way society is structured, all of like the dissonance and fighting that we see in today's environment. And we want— I know that like many parents that I talk to who have LGBTQ+ children, they want to be there for their kids. They want to show them that they support them, but they're just not sure how. What are some of the fears that you see that are keeping these parents silent?

Well, I think you definitely hit on one of the biggest ones, which is just the fear of saying the right thing. There's this feeling that if I don't get it exactly right, or if I mess up, then they're gonna think I don't love them. They're gonna think I don't support them. They're gonna not think I'm a good ally. And that's simply not true. Our kids, as a, like a very base biological need, is to have connection with us. And so they give a lot of latitude for us making mistakes. And so I think there's this shift into feeling like this intense, and there are reasons why, there's a lot, and you touched on a lot of those reasons coming into this, but there's a lot of reasons why we feel that pressure. But if we're able to kind of just block that out and think, yeah, okay, all I have to do is say, I love you. I hear you. I believe you. I don't have all of the answers. And let your child also see you modeling that you don't always have to have all the answers.

Yeah.

Right.

That just is such a lovely shift into opening up a whole new avenue of communication with not having all the answers and coming to your child with that. Because obviously, I mean, no one has all the answers, but you also feel like so afraid of offending them, or that this fear that you're not doing enough and not doing enough to support other people. Because like, I want to be a really, really great ally. I believe like love is love, basically.

Love is love.

But as an individual, I don't feel like I do enough to be a good ally. And I think part of the fear is like being inauthentic, almost like showing up in a way that I feel uncomfortable. Do you know what I'm talking about there? Like the people I see who I feel are being good allies are the ones who are like wearing Pride shirts and like going to the parades and stuff like that. So can you talk about like the difference between like what really being a good ally means and kind of like the thing that you see and perceive being a good ally should be?

Yeah, absolutely. Well, I think you've hit on something really, really that we need to talk about more, which is like that difference between being a good ally and being a performative ally. Yeah.

Performative is a great word for it.

Right. And I think that this could be like a very long conversation in and of itself, cuz you could split it off into so many pieces, but I think Just like very simply, there are so many people, and I think the majority of people out there who you see wearing their Pride gear or who are always at the Pride parades, at their heart, are just like, I just want to be a good ally. And this is how they express it. But I think there is this— there's a percentage who are wanting to be seen, right? It's more important to be seen and to be heard as being a good ally than to actually be it, right? So what are they doing? What are they saying? How are they behaving? What are they teaching when the camera's not on them? I think this also stems from the way that social media just completely, you know, rules our lives and rules what we see and has such a huge influence on trying to, to shift our belief systems a certain way. And so it makes it that much more important and that much more difficult to really stay connected to how you really believe, like what that belief system actually is.

That's true because you do see all of these representations on social media of like what it looks like to be an ally. And you also see these things calling you out, being like, why are you silent? And I'm like, but I'm not silent.

Right.

It's hard in today's society to figure out, okay, how can you act in a way that is authentic to you versus how do you act in a way that feels performative, right, to you? And like, what's the good middle ground, especially when your kids are watching?

Right, exactly. Well, I think that kind of goes to the whole, like, the importance of being really connected to yourself, right? Your intuition and having that like deep connection to your own value system. And then having that like really good line of communication with your kids and it's messy. I'm not saying that. I don't say good line of communication as in like, it should be this perfect way as in like embrace how messy and uncomfortable and weird that's going to be. But knowing that sometimes that like messy, uncomfortable is the best place, right? Because you're getting all the real good stuff.

So.

I have fallen into this so many times too, where I've like, listen, you know, I've watched a TikTok and I've been like, oh geez. Like, it just makes you feel so bad about yourself because you're like, I'm not doing enough. And there's a lot of shaming out there for if you don't do it this specific way, then you aren't a good enough ally.

Right.

That's just not true. The LGBTQ community, but all marginalized communities just need people to be like, hey, I see you. I hear you. I've got you. And whatever your strength is, you know, you and I like to podcast, right? So this is our way of talking to other people and to communicating things that we think are important for people to hear and to learn. And other people have other talents. So figure out what your strength is, and that's how you show up as an ally. And again, like, I just can't reiterate enough for people that it's not ever gonna feel like a one singular perfect way. It's going to feel messy. It's going to feel uncomfortable. But if it feels like that's true to like who you are, then you're doing the right thing.

Yeah. Could you share a little bit of your experience with being an ally?

Sure.

It just looked a lot of different varied ways. I mean, It really honestly started after my son came out. I was not a loud ally, even a— I wouldn't even consider myself an ally before that. I think that I just, I was so closed up in my own space, my, mm-hmm, where I lived, having little kids, not really paying attention to other life experiences around me. And When my son, my oldest, came out, and this almost 10 years ago, that really opened my eyes and I began to see, you know, more and more of these pieces. And, and that made me do a lot of like my own uncomfortable, like personal work to be like, ooh, I haven't been showing up in the way that I, I needed to. But that was me looking at myself and saying, hey, this is how I need to shift and grow and change. This is what I need to learn. It's not my son's responsibility to teach me this. I need to go out there and learn it. And then that shifted into what are ways that I can show up? Like, what do I do well? Well, I'm a really good writer. So that's how I started, right? Like I started writing pieces and I was like, oh, I podcasting. I really, I mean, I first did it, started it as a this is a good way to get more information out there to more people, right? So more parents don't feel alone. So more allies can feel informed and know their options for resources and the like. So more LGBTQ people know that there are people out there who have their back, right? That was my thing that even at the time I was like, I don't know if this is going to work, but it might, you know? And it did.

Yeah, looking at yourself, looking at your own strengths, looking at like, how you can contribute to it. And coming up next, we're going to examine those 3 mindset shifts that you have for parents about how they can look at their own behavior to be a better ally, right after this. Before the break, we were talking about looking at yourself and being able to like change how you're reacting. And you have 3 mindset shifts for parents to take, Heather. So let's lead everybody through them one by one because your first mindset shift is really about being messy. Tell us about that. Yes.

So I think as parents, we, for whatever reason, have this belief that we're supposed to be perfect, that we're supposed to have all the answers, that we, everything should look and feel a certain way, whether it's a normal day and everything's going fine. Or whether we are in the midst of a major crisis. And there is something that I learned through, at the very beginning of our experience, that when I finally let go of that, like, it was like I was holding on like this, like, it has to be this certain way and I have to show up this way for my kids and the world is going to be over if I don't do this all perfectly, right? Like, they're gonna be so damaged if I don't do this exactly right. Well, what is exactly right?

Right?

First of all. Second of all, each of our kids needs something massively different than the other. So once I was able to like, I mean, things like had to, the wheels had to completely fall off of the bus for me to be able to sit there and say, oh, this is really, really messy, but I'm learning all of these like beautiful things about my child, about my children, about myself, about my relationship with my husband. While it is very uncomfortable, it is also really cool. And over time, what that led into, once I was able to really embrace that, was relationships that were so much more real and they weren't this me having the expectation of being the perfect mom, but being able to say—

That's a common expectation. Yeah.

Right? Being able to be like, I'm not perfect. I'm not gonna have the answer. So if it were, you know, an instance of, I don't know the answer to that, being able to say, I don't know the answer to that. I will find out. Let's circle back to this. Yeah. Or, Gosh, I really screwed that situation up. I'm really sorry. Let's talk about it. Let's, you know, can I have a redo? Whatever it is, like circle back and like acknowledge like that was messy and holy cow, did I blow that up? And I think there's such value in that and, and being able to not only model like nobody's perfect, but modeling communication and that owning when you make a mistake, let's have a conversation about it, being really vulnerable. And you know, there's a huge piece of that obviously is teaching your kids emotional intelligence, right?

Like the messiness is a really hard transition for a lot of people, not just I think moms to make. There are so many expectations. I was just having this coaching conversation with a client the other day. About she had such high expectations for herself that she could not bring up the feelings to allow herself to be imperfect, that she didn't accept that imperfectness about herself. Yeah. So what you're saying is like, you really have to work on accepting being imperfect.

Yes.

And saying the wrong thing or saying like the thing that's going to unintentionally offend Right. And being able to repair afterwards. Right.

And that, that is the biggest thing. And it's not easy. That is not a one-day shift, right? That is a shift that takes time and it takes work. But once you're able to kind of click into that and like lean into that more days than you're like, I have to be so perfect. I mean, it's something that you, you're right. That's why it's called a shift. It happens gradually over time. But yeah. You realize, oh, this is like so much easier to be this way because nobody's perfect, right? So you can like kind of lean back into, or however you wanna say, this idea of I'm just being human in this human relationship, in this human experience. And you're really able to experience all of it so much more fully than the constant very strict, narrow expectations that we used to put on ourselves.

Yeah. And I think like being a parent helps you do that too, because I am one of those people who I hate rejection. Like I'm very sensitive to rejection, but my daughter's 17 and I think I get rejected daily by my daughter. I mean, not seriously, just like saying like, mom, that's so cringe. Or like anything I say.

Oh yeah. It's, it's a tough thing and I think you're taught, you, that's It's so right because you go from this place of being like the most perfect person in the world to them, right? All of a sudden to being like, you get dumber by the day as far as they're concerned.

Pretty much. That's how I feel. You get dumber by the day. Yes.

The good news is I have a 25 and a 22-year-old boy, girl, and you start going back up again once they get on the other side.

That's good to know.

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, they're, it's really like, like the gratitude, like it's really fun for them, like to hear them say things where I'm like, oh, it was so worth it.

Oh, it was worth it. I see little bits of that, right? Little, like maybe it's like 10% of the time to 90% of being wrong right now. So I'm glad that it's gonna shift in the opposite direction.

Yes, totally is. And it like helps you kind of like keep things locked down because I am definitely one to like my older daughter and I are very alike, so she, we just light each other up, you know, like in that way. Like, but it's helped me be better about responding. Like I could just like sit through it and be like, okay, like that is okay. This is your experience of this moment. And okay.

Okay. Yeah. That's my favorite word too. Okay. Okay.

It's a moment in time.

Okay.

Right.

So that's one, embrace being messy.

Yep.

The second one is about whose responsibility it is to teach about how to behave as an LGBTQ ally. Whose responsibility is that, Heather?

Well, it is ours. It is not our child's. This is something that I learned from my son, from my kids. I have two kids who are actually queer, so, and they have had very different experiences kind of, and they're coming out experiences and then they're learning experiences. And then being, you know, in what I do. So speaking with lots of people, our initial reaction when our child comes out to us is to ask a million questions because we're parents and we're curious and we wanna know. And, and perhaps, and, and a lot of situations, particularly I've seen this with clients that I work with. It was a surprise that they did not see it coming, that it's like this shock response of like, oh, I need to know all these things right now in this very moment. And your child has just told you something that is so very tender for them, that has taken a ton of courage for them to say to you for various reasons. So for you to come at them, whether it's in that moment, the next day, the next week, whatever it is, is a lot. It's a lot for them. And so—

I could see how that would be a lot.

Right?

And a lot of times they don't have the answers that you're looking for. And so it is our responsibility as the parent to say, I see you. I'm so grateful you shared this with me. Now I'm gonna go learn. I'm gonna go find the resources that I need to understand, to learn how I can best support you. What are available? What resources are available for me in that way, for you in that way, right? And then to do whatever personal work it is that needs to be done because everybody has— part of my title of my book is Unlearning Biases, right? And I don't say that as a judgment. I say that as we all have these biases that need to be unlearned, right? So yeah, do the work. Do the work. That's not your kid's job.

And I have to say, with the unlearning of biases, is that once you start accepting that we do all have biases— because this happened to me too— you start noticing all the biases you have, and it's really hard from an emotional standpoint, because you go from thinking of this, that you're this person that is like totally accepting, to then noticing every single thought that comes into your head that you're like, oh my gosh, that's biased, that's biased, that's biased, that's biased, how horrible that you're having these thoughts. And like, normal, it's like baked into you from society.

Exactly, exactly. And, and it is, it's— that's a great way to say it, baked in from society, programmed into you from young. And, and again, that's not to like throw shade on your parents. That is just, yeah, that is like the smaller part of society, right? Like what you learned as a small human. So I think that to your point, when we, there's that like being uncomfortable thing again, like we get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable and acknowledging that, that awareness is huge to be able to say, oh, I see that. I see that how that's coming up for me. And I, I don't like that. That makes me feel uncomfortable. So what do I need to do? What do I need to learn? How do I let go of that? What is the work that needs to be done? And it might just be that you have to sit with it, right? Every time it comes up, okay, I see that that's something I don't like. I don't want to think that. I actively have to just work that through my system until it no longer comes up again.

Yeah, that can be hard. So Coming up after the break, we're gonna tackle that third mindset shift right after this. So we've talked about two mindset shifts to go through as a parent. Embrace that being messy and not perfect, as well as it is not your kid's responsibility to teach you. It is your own responsibility to do that learning. And the third one you have, Heather Hester, is about believing your children. Tell us more about that.

Yes. So that one stems from what I think is probably the biggest thing that comes up for parents, which is that fear that immediately when your child, whether it's them coming out to you or them sharing something about themselves that you didn't know, or that makes you feel that like just intense fear as a parent. And it makes you wanna say, this is just a phase. They're too young to understand what they're talking about. This is gonna make their life so difficult, whether it's as an adolescent, a teenager, a young adult, whatever it is, whatever that fear response is for you that makes you say, they don't know 'cause they're just a kid. And kind of puts up that block of just saying, okay, you are telling me, you are sharing your internal experience. You are being very vulnerable with me and saying, this is who I am. They're not looking for you to, you know, give some long answer or anything. All they're wanting for you to say is, okay, I believe you.

Right.

I see you. I believe you. I hear you. I'm here for you.

And that's a very simple simple thing to do that takes all of the pressure off of saying the right thing. You just are like, I'm here for you.

Right.

That's it. Exactly.

They don't want a long speech. In fact, I mean, just like take that off the table. They never want a long speech ever. I mean, no matter what it is.

It's Charlie Brown's mom. Always, rah, rah, rah. Yeah. And it's like, it makes you feel unseen too when somebody talks at you like that as well.

It does. And nobody, especially like, think about how when you share something that's really vulnerable, What is the best response that you could have from somebody?

Oh, wow.

It's like, wow, that's hard.

Thank you for sharing. Yeah. Right? So, and our kids need that 1,000 times more from us as, you know, us being their parents. So that might be the easiest of all 3 shifts because it really does take all, you know, so much pressure off of you as the parent, as the mom to be prepared with extraordinary words of wisdom.

Extraordinary words of wisdom. There we go.

Exactly.

We'll go back to the first one of being messy, right? It's a big circle. Exactly. It's a big circle. It's a big circle. So now let's shift into some practical strategies that parents can take away. What is something that parents can do that they can like take after they listen to this episode? How can they start implementing this in their lives?

Absolutely. Well, I think, you know, the biggest and the easiest thing that you could do, something that is something you could do today, is the language piece, right? Kind of shifting into that, watching how you are, you know, responding like we just talked about with the whole believing piece, taking that pressure off of yourself to always have that perfect answer and just saying, thank you for sharing that with me, or I'm so curious about that. Like, it's so easy for us to shift into that fear response right away when our child shares something with us. Yeah. Being able to catch that. So being able to become aware of what your personal fear response is, right? Where you feel that in your body and being able to shift that into, tell me more about that. You know, what does that mean for you? How does that feel in your body? What does that make you think? Because not only does that let your child know that, that they're seen, that they're heard, but it takes the pressure off of you to have any kind of like knee-jerk response, right? Like instant fear response.

Right. So like when you say about like, pay attention to how that fear shows up in your body, what are some examples of like how the fear might show up in your body?

Oh my gosh. For me personally, and I think this will probably resonate, like I feel it in my chest. I keep, I keep, if you're not watching this, you can see, I keep touching my chest cuz I feel it there. Like I feel it in my chest, like it gets tighter, it gets hot. I, if it's really intense, like my whole inside, like my torso just tightens. If it's prolonged, it can become like, create like fuzzy thinking for you. So you have a hard time really like speaking clearly or thinking clearly. Like fear, essentially what it does is that it shifts you into that fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. So whatever your personal, personal response is, it could be all four. It could be, right? I mean, everybody responds differently. So it is, you know, mine is freeze. Like everything just like freezes, shuts down, gets dark, right? Yours could be like, I'm outta here. Like, I can't deal with this.

I'm gonna run.

Right?

Yes.

Leave.

Leave. My, mine is like the tightness of the throat. Like I feel it right under my jaw and then I get the headache and I experience that fuzzy thinking where I'm like stuttering on like every word I'm saying. Cause I can't form, the words will not come outta my mouth. Yeah.

Isn't that, it is a crazy thing and that's fear.

Yeah. And that's good to just have something that you can fall back on, like the little language tip you gave us. That I'm here for you. What other— what's another tip that people can fall back on?

I think as moms especially, we are really expected to be able to do all, all of it, have the right answer at the right time, have the right information at the right time. And that is exactly why I started doing all of the things I started doing because I was so frustrated that I didn't have that. Like, I couldn't go online and find what I wanted, right? What I needed to understand, the answers that I was looking for. And granted, this was 10 years ago, so it was a different information environment than what we are in now. But I think that third tip would be there is good information out there. Lean on whether it is your community, if you have a community of people or information sources that you can lean into to really get the answers that you need, do that. Listen to this podcast for information. Listen to my podcast for information. There are pieces out there that you can lean into. So I think that, you know, the overarching tip there would be it's not all on you.

Yeah, that's a good, good tip there. It is not on you, and there are people out there to support you. And Heather, this has been amazing with tons of just practical ways moms can help and also ways that moms can really shift their thinking on how to, how to react and how to change ourselves when our child comes out to us, but also like how to appear to be an ally to to other people and to, to other kids and others in our community. Absolutely. Thank you so, so much. And I like to end every podcast this way to encourage people to have something to look forward to. So what is something that you are looking forward to right now in your life?

Oh my goodness. I am looking forward to going to visit my son next week in New York City.

Oh, fun! That is fun. Yeah, what do you like to do in New York when you go there?

This time we are actually going to this really cool interactive— it's Phantom of the Opera interactive. So it's called Masquerade. And it is—

oh, I've heard of this.

I cannot wait. I can't speak to it yet because I have not been to it. But I am so excited. If you like the interactive theater experience, this was developed with Andrew Lloyd Webber. Webber, so I can only imagine how incredible it's going to be. So I'm very excited. That's what we're doing this time.

That's unbelievable. Well, have fun with that.

Thank you.

And for everyone listening, remember, the best mom is a happy mom. Take care of you, and I will talk to you later.

Thanks for being here with me today. If you are in that real and messy place of learning in real time, I just want to say you're not behind. You're becoming. Keep it simple. I love you. I believe you. I'm here. That's how trust is built. As you well know, today's media environment is wild. Help Joanne and me reach more people who are seeking real and true information by following and sharing both of our podcasts. The links are in the show notes. Until next time, remember, you are not alone.