Protecting LGBTQ Kids: Love Is the Start, Not the Strategy

In today's episode, we're gonna talk about 5 powerful ways families can protect their LGBTQ+ kids at home starting today. Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester. Let's get started. Here are the 3 things that you will learn in today's episode. You will gain practical, tangible ways to create a safe, affirming home environment for your LGBTQ+ child starting today. You will get the confidence to set boundaries and Speak up and you will get connection to a bigger purpose and community. Hi friends, and welcome back to More Human, More Kind. I am so glad that you are here today. As we begin July, we are starting a whole new theme. This month's theme is going to be safety, which is a word that has become layered with so much urgency and so much depth these days, especially for those of us who are raising or supporting LGBTQ+ youth. So today we're starting with the most important space of all, our homes. What does it mean to protect our LGBTQ+ kids, not just from what's out there, but right here, right inside our walls, around our dinner tables, in our group chats, and in our family systems. Let's talk about the ways families are finding to protect, affirm, and advocate for their kids in real life. Actionable and deeply loving ways. We often think of protection as physical, right? Keeping someone from bodily harm. And while that is absolutely part of safety and protection, true protection is much broader than that. For LGBTQ+ youth, protection includes their emotional safety, their psychological safety, their safety to express their identity, their orientation without fear, and their safety to not be erased. It includes protection from silence, from shame, and from being asked to make themselves smaller to fit inside someone else's comfort zone. And the beautiful thing is that this kind of protection is something every family, every single one of us can provide, starting with presence, just being present, being aware, having an open mind, and then taking action. Does it require us to learn new information and practice new behaviors? Perhaps, is this discomfort of unlearning or of learning something new worth it? Absolutely. So I'm going to give you 5 ways that families can protect LGBTQ+ kids. These are simple actions that you can begin today and deepen over time. The first one is creating an affirming home environment. This means using correct names and pronouns. It means making sure media in your home includes LGBTQ+ stories. And it means ensuring siblings and extended family are respectful and informed. There is stretching and growing in each of these opportunities. Taking time to understand pronouns and use them correctly is growth. Learning more about LGBTQ+ culture is growth. Expanding what you watch, read, listen to, or learn about to include LGBTQ+ representation is growth. And having conversations with family members, even ones that may be uncomfortable, but ones that ultimately ensure respect. This is growth. Number 2, set boundaries with extended family and friends. Sometimes protection means saying, you don't get access to my child if you can't respect who they are. That's not easy. But it is effective and it is powerful. I want you to remember that boundaries, setting boundaries is an act of love. And the other piece of that is that they don't need to be forever. Sometimes boundaries are an excellent teaching tool. Number 3, engage with their world. This might look like meeting with their teachers or the school administration staff to ask about inclusive policies. It could look like helping your child find affirming care providers. It can also look like saying no to sleepovers or to activities where you know safety is a concern. Engaging with curiosity and open-ended questions makes a huge difference. Keep a notebook or use your notes app to keep track of questions or concerns as they come to you. Doing this will help you get the worries out of your body, out of your head. It will help you process what's going on for you. And it will help you approach meetings or potentially difficult situations from a more calm and organized place. The fourth way families are protecting their kids are connecting with other affirming families. Isolation in and of itself is unsafe. Community is a powerful protective factor. Seek out LGBTQ+ family support groups online and in person. Your child needs to see that they're not alone, and so do you. The Kind Space community is a great example of this. For as little as $5 a month, you can be in a safe space with others who will just get you, who will understand what you're experiencing and what you're learning and, and what you have questions about, even without saying a word. And number 5 is educate yourself. Read the books, follow the advocates, There are so many of us out here. Pick a few of us and follow along. Listen to LGBTQ+ voices and the voices of allies. And when you hear anti-LGBTQ+ comments, don't stay silent. Your efforts to learn and to understand and your words show your child that they are worth standing up for. So I'm gonna share some statistics from some experts in this field, in this area, to really help just ground in this data to help you understand this from a different angle. According to the Trevor Project, LGBTQ+ youth who report having at least one accepting adult in their life are 40% less likely to attempt suicide. The Family Acceptance Project has found that family rejection is a major predictor of negative mental and physical health outcomes. I'm going to repeat these two stats because they are so, so important to really hear. I want this to sink in. The first is, according to the Trevor Project, LGBTQ+ youth who report having at least one affirming adult in their lives are 40% less likely to attempt suicide. And the Family Acceptance Project has found that family rejection is a major predictor of negative mental and physical health outcomes. Conversely, affirming homes and families contribute significantly to resilience, confidence, and just overall thriving. So when we talk about protection, this isn't an overreaction. We're talking about literally saving lives. If you're just beginning this journey, or if you're feeling unsure, here are a few great starting points to learn more. The Family Acceptance Project, like I just mentioned, they have fantastic research and tools to support family-based care. For LGBTQ+ youth. PFLAG is a nationwide network of parents, families, and allies offering support groups and educational resources, resources. And then The Trevor Project, which is crisis intervention and education, including their Trevor Lifeline. If you're ready to go deeper, check out my book, Parenting with Pride. I have included an entire section in the book about building safe affirming spaces and navigating hard conversations. So I'd like to give you a few questions just to carry into the next week or the next few days with you. I'd like you to take some time and really think about what safety feels like in your home. What does that look like for you? When you hear the word safety, what do you think of? I want you to think about when the last time was your LGBTQ+ child or any of your children saw you speak up for them. And then I'd like for you to think about where you need more support in order to be the protector that you really want to be. If you have a story about how your family has protected your LGBTQ+ child, big or small, I'd love to hear it. Email me or message me, and with your permission, I'd love to include some of your stories in future episodes. Before we wrap up, let's check out our listener query for today. This segment is part of every solo episode now where I will answer a question I've heard over the years. This is also your official invitation to email or message me with your most burning LGBTQ+ related question. So today's question is, why is the phrase coming out used to describe when someone tells another that they are gay? First of all, the phrase coming out can be used for all sexual orientations and gender identities. And this is a really, really, really good question. It's one that has roots in both history as well as symbolism. The phrase coming out comes from the concept of emerging into the open, essentially stepping out of the shadows. Embracing one's true self in a more visible and authentic way. Historically, in the LGBTQ+ community, being openly gay, lesbian, or any other non-heterosexual identity was often considered taboo or unacceptable. So people who were LGBTQ+ would often keep their identities private. Coming out refers to the process of moving away from secrecy and sharing one's identity with others, whether it's about sexual orientation or gender identity. The term itself symbolizes the moment of visibility, moving from the private hidden space into the public eye. It's really, really important to note that coming out is a deeply personal process, and it's not a one-time event. For some, it might mean telling friends and family, while for others, it's about living authentically every single day. It's also worth recognizing that the experience of coming out is different for every single person, and some people may never feel the need to come out at all. Choosing to live openly without needing to label their identity for others is just not part of what they feel necessary. In 1979, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist named Vivian Cass created the Cass Identity Model. Dr. Cass was the first person to treat LGBTQ+ identity development as normal development, as opposed to a mental health problem, which is what it had always been treated as before. She recognized that coming out actually has 6 stages: confusion, comparison, tolerance, acceptance, pride, and synthesis. I was so completely blown away by this concept when Connor first came out because it helped to explain so, so much, and it helped us provide support to him in the ways that he really needed it. Fun fact, there is a coming out process for parents too. So if you are really, really curious about this, I have done a couple of podcast episodes on this process, both for you as the parent or as the ally and for your child. And I've dedicated several chapters in Parenting with Pride to it as well. It will really help open your eyes and give you such a deep understanding of what your child and you are experiencing. So coming out is about revealing who you who you truly are. It's about claiming your space in the world. It's not just about telling others, it's about embracing your identity and finding freedom and living it openly. I thought this was a really timely question given the attacks from the right in this current administration. Their actions right now and their harmful ideologies are making our society our country, really this world, a less safe place for LGBTQ+ people, really all people. Their policies are putting millions of people in very real danger. And the only way to push back, to fight what they are doing, is to use our voices, to continue to ask questions, to push back, to be fierce allies. None of us want our loved ones to go back into the closet or not feel safe enough to come out in the first place. And like my recent guest Ash Beckham said, we all have our own closet. We are fighting for the right to just be human. Here is what I want you to walk away with today. Protection isn't just about physical safety. It's about emotional, psychological, and identity safety too. Families can protect LGBTQ+ youth by creating affirming home environments, setting boundaries with extended family, engaging in their child's world with curiosity, connecting to affirming community spaces, and educating themselves and using their voices. Silence and inaction can be harmful. Speaking up is a powerful act of love. Let this be the reminder that you need today. Your voice matters. Your presence matters. And your love, especially when shown boldly and without conditions, can quite literally save a life. You do not need to have all of the answers. You just have to stay at the table. Stay aware. Stay present. Keep asking the questions. Keep choosing courage over comfort. Keep showing up for your LGBTQ+ child and for every child who deserves to grow up knowing they are safe, seen, and deeply loved. We are not just protecting our kids. We are protecting their light and their joy and their right to exist as they are. And that is one of the most human and kind things we can ever do. Thank you so much for being here today. There are new episodes every Tuesday and Friday, and the next episode will be all about what actions we can all take to save 988 Option 3, the National Suicide Hotline for LGBTQ+ people. If you love today's episode, please leave a 5-star rating and review. It really helps people find this podcast and adds one more spark to the beacon of hope that we are all creating together. Until next time, be gentle, be brave, and remember, you are not alone.