Rebuilding Everything: Love, Identity & LGBTQ Parenting After Coming Out

Thank you so much for being here today. I am really excited to have you on the show and for everyone to get to know you a little bit better and get to just learn from you, because I think that you've had some really— just had really cool and interesting things that have gone on in your life. So we're just going to start right there, and I'd love for you to share just a little bit about who you are.

Yeah, thanks so much. I'm honestly so honored and excited to be chatting with you. So my story is definitely on the unique side, but honestly, I don't think it's unique anymore. I think a lot of us are finding out who we are later in life. So I grew up in a pretty traditional home, was pretty sheltered from a lot of things, grew up in a kind of religious home, got married very young out the gate like I was supposed to do. So I married my best friend when I was 20 years old, and Of course we started, we weren't planning on having kids right away, but I had, was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 19. And so they told me if we didn't have quids, kid, or if we didn't have kids quickly, then I might not be able to biologically carry my own children. And that our original plan was to wait 10 years and then start having kids since we were young, but that just put everything upside down. So we had kids pretty quickly. Two of our daughters, we had three biological daughters, two of are born with a rare genetic disorder. And it was really the first thing that started to change our worldviews a little bit and our perspectives. And when you go from doing the best and things are great to your world is completely upside down and you are now those people who are struggling to survive financially and you don't have the supports that you need, it really shifts things for you. And I think we started our deconstruction process at that point when we really started to feel a lack of support from our church community. And just in general, we really were struggling to find peace and understanding in just difficult circumstances. And then COVID happened. My husband— hold on, before COVID happened, we got to a point where our medical bills were so insurmountable that there was no way that we were gonna be able to get out unless we figured out some miraculous way. And so my husband decided to join the military at 27. And so we went from me being the primary breadwinner. I was, I'm a registered nurse. I worked in pediatric ER and trauma, which was my love for many years. And was doing that full-time, to him staying home with the kids and running a part-time graphic design business, to him up and leaving and becoming a pilot in the military. And so that kind of threw our world upside down again. But when we were forced to move away from our family, it really changed the dynamic and our ability to explore who we were in our marriage and who we were individually and our beliefs separately from what our community had— was set up as. And it was honestly one of the best things. I say genuinely, I don't think we would still be married if he would not have joined the military. But it was difficult. And then COVID happened. We were away from family and we were really forced to be isolated with ourselves. And the lesbian TikTok situation happened and I started to really— was at a point in my life where I felt safe enough to start evaluating who I was as a human. I had never been in a safe enough circumstance to do that. And my partner is absolutely incredible and was like, no, like, I've known you've been gay, like, you've always been gay. And he's like, Brittany, like, people don't, like, make out with, like, their friends when they're drunk unless you're gay. I'm like, oh. I just thought, I just thought those like things that like all friend groups did. And he's, no, Brittany, like I've known this forever. That's always been a part of you. And I'm like, oh, okay. So I came out pansexual shortly after the pandemic started and we just were exploring what that meant for me. And when I really started getting deep into therapy and figuring out, I struggled with some eating dis— with an eating disorder and some drug addiction in my teenagehoods. Dealing with some trauma, and it really started to click for me that all of my body dysmorphia was linked to gender dysphoria that I was realizing I had as a 32-year-old woman in a heterosexual marriage of over a decade with 3 kids. And it really just makes you, like, question every experience you've ever had in your life. And— but it's also been, like, the most freeing and magical thing for my marriage and my relationships and what I'm doing now in the community and what I'm hoping to do. And so it's just been a really interesting experience, and I'm— it's been a roller coaster, but it's been great.

I would imagine. Oh my goodness. So you are still married?

Yes.

And how is your husband now?

Amazing.

Amazing. And yeah, clearly would have to be, my goodness. And just affirming. And how old are your kids now? And do they have— have you talked to them about it? And I'm just so curious.

Yeah, my spouse has been amazing. When I really started to question my gender identity and like what that meant for me, he was very supportive and was like, it doesn't, doesn't change who you were yesterday at all. And we are in a very like privileged place, and I am very at the point where like I'm very passing as cisgender, and there's a lot of those gender roles in my communities. And so we— I'm not currently like seeking to transition outwardly, like I'm not on HRT, I'm not planning any type of top surgery or anything at this point. It's definitely not off the table, but it's not at this point where we're at. And he's just been really amazing about being like, we'll work it out and we'll talk it through. And at the end of the day, like, I love your soul and who you are as a person. And that's— he's— I've seen your body change over the last 12 years. What's a few— what's more changes if that's what makes you happy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's seriously— I could not— we met in preschool and we were best friends in elementary school, and I moved around a lot in my middle childhood, but we found each other on Facebook again when we were sophomores in high school and became best friends again. And we didn't date until we were sophomores in college, and we were both single for the first time, and we had helped each other through relationship problems and parental problems and divorce of his parents and things. And it was, what if we tried this like dating thing, like just to see? And it was— we were engaged within 5 months and got married a year later. And I wouldn't rather— I wouldn't spend my life with anybody else, honestly. There's nobody else I would want to do life with. For sure.

I think there's a lot to be said when you find your soulmate, right? You don't— we don't really think about that phrase, but I think the phrase in and of itself is that's who your soul is connected to, not your physical body, right? So when you have that kind of connection with someone, it's very magical. It is. I— it— and I think to your— the point of your story and to everything that, you know, you have just been learning about yourself and is really beautiful, really beautiful, and speaks to that.

Appreciate it. Our kids, we have 3 biological kiddos, and we actually just finalized the adoption of our son last week, so we are a full family of 6 now.

Congratulations!

Thank you so much. But our girls are 10, 6, and 5, and our son is 3, and they are very aware. We've It's interesting because I was such a proponent and an ally for the LGBTQ community, because once you find like your soulmate and you understand that connection— even when I was in a heterosexual connection and I viewed our, my relationship as such, I could just never imagine neglecting other people of that connection regardless. And so I was always a huge ally. And honestly, it was one of the first things that made me start to question my religion and Christianity's beliefs and how I wanted to live that out in my life. And it was a real internal struggle for me. And so I was a very loud and proud ally for a long time before. And then I was like, oh, that matters because it really does matter. Oh wait, connecting the dots. Yeah.

Yeah.

But it was always something that was very talked about and open in our home. And like, we always, we've always celebrated Pride and we always talked about differences and diversity of families and things like that. We are a foster family, or were, we aren't anymore. But we're a foster family for 3 years, and so you see a lot of what families look like, and there's a lot of different dynamics for families. And so for our kids, it wasn't an outlandish thing. I had— I publicly just actually publicly came out in March on Transgender Awareness Day, Visibility Awareness Day in March, and I told my kids right away that that's what that was mean and what that day meant and how that was applicable to our lives. And Didn't even shock them. Like, it was like, it was like I told them that I bought a new pair of shoes or something. Oh, okay, cool, Mom. And then even that evening, the kids were all playing together and one of the, my 6-year-old referred to me with her/she pronouns, which is totally fine. I'm her/she/they/them. It's been very much, but my oldest goes, hey, don't forget, Mom's non-binary, so she prefers they/them pronouns then. Oh. They prefer them pronouns now. And it was like, uh, it was just amazing that it wasn't a thing because it wasn't a thing. And it didn't change my relationship with them. It didn't change the dynamic in our home. It didn't change how I cared for them or loved them or their dad. And like, they were like, it was not a thing. And it was amazing because it wasn't.

I love that. I love that so much. And that is such a great modeling of of how to talk about it at home. And it's never— they're never too young to have these conversations because it's talking about human beings, other human beings. It's not stuff that's age-appropriate. There are levels of age appropriateness if you're going to go into like details of things. But if you're just talking about like, this is a human being and this is who they are in this world.

Yep.

So thank you.

And it's wild to me, like, I feel like society— so interesting. That we put— we push gender norms so much on children, and that's age-appropriate. Why is breaking out of a gender norm age inappropriate? So I— and I, I've— from— I believe this way in all areas of life. If a child's old enough to experience racism, my child is old enough to know what racism is and how to be against it. If it's the same experience, and our kids are going to be experienced or be exposed to things through life. And as parents, you know, I talk about this a lot on my podcast about that, is that our goal as parents isn't to protect our children so that they don't have difficult things that they've experienced. Our job as a parent is to teach our children these tools on how to handle these experiences and how to be aware with themselves, so that way when they get out into the real world, they've had practice with it and it's not the first time that they've experienced it.

Yes.

And it— we just have to really change that narrative of we can't teach kids this about this because it's— they, they don't know about that yet. You're right, they don't. But we also get to influence how they learn about that and what they learn about that. And they're either going to go out into the universe and they're going to see not healthy ways to manage that, or I can show them the way that is going to help them be a better human.

Exactly. That is exactly it. That is one of our most important jobs as a parent, right? Yes. Help them and to teach them. And waiting— I'm actually watching this right now with a friend of mine who has a child who is the same age as my oldest, so almost 24, and grew up a very different way and very much in a bubble and is now really struggling with like the different truths and realities of the world and how to handle different things that are just surprising to me that it was not— why wasn't this a discussion 5 years ago or 10 years ago? And now like this child, the young adult, is traumatized by things that it's, oh honey, these are things that like, I just wanna take them and have these conversations now and be like, okay, you've got this. Yeah. You know, and here are some coping mechanisms, right? And here are some supports over here, and here's a list of things that you can say and just all the things. So to you, bravo, especially at the ages that your kids are because it's, they're gonna grow up just having this knowledge and having it be just part of who they are, their lives, and they're going to go out into the world and they're going to be great allies and educators and voices and, yeah, all of these things.

And, and so when I speak to audiences on unlocking abundance and living in authenticity, I talk about this with leadership teams and things like that because Regardless of what we're leading or managing, whether it's your family team or your work team or your friend team, you're in these relationships and networks with people on all levels of your life. And when we can get to this point where we are able to live in our authenticity and we can genuinely be aware of who we are, that spills to the people in our life. And that is the biggest gift that we can give anybody that we interact with is a safe space to be their authentic self, because we are already presenting with our authenticity. And that is just such a beautiful thing. And honestly, I think that is going to be one of the only ways we're really going to change the world with where we're at in this point, is getting to the point of we have to just get rid of all of the material stuff and the specific markers of success that we're told and really start to reconnect with our own humanhood. And so that we can connect with other humans around us.

Absolutely. Oh my goodness. And being able to see each other as human, because that is certainly one of the first things that goes, right? So I think that's really phenomenal. I'd like to back up just for a moment to something you said a little bit ago that is definitely a, I think, a buzzword. Topic, but a topic that is very important, which is deconstruction. And that is something that I think many of us are encountering. And I know when I first heard the word less than a year ago, and I'm a number of years older than you, I was like, oh, that's what I've been doing. Like, I didn't have a name for it, but I was like, that's what this is, and that's what this feeling is. So I'd love to talk a little bit about that, even though that's not necessarily the theme of our discussion. Question, but I think it's really important information to share with others who might find themselves in these places of like, how I'm feeling, what I'm seeing in the world, like it's not matching up with what I think Christianity is supposed to be, right? What we're taught as little kids or whatever. Like, it's very different. I was actually listening to a podcast earlier today and somebody was like talked, was talking about people like us, like we're considered the nuns, like those who have no religious affiliation, but there's still like a belief in a greater power and we are spiritually connected human beings. So I'm gonna turn this over to you to talk about a little bit, cause I'd love to hear your thoughts and wisdom on this as well.

Yeah. So it's been a really, it's been a very interesting thing for me. Religion and my Christian experience. Genuinely saved my life. I was very drug addicted as a teen, and it was literally withering away into nothing with anorexia and bulimia. And my parents threw me into Send Away Church Camp as like a last minute, I don't know what to do. And it was interesting how like when you're wandering around in nature and writing difficult things and burning it in bonfires and around live music and a bunch of crying people, like how healing that really is. And like it automatically connected that. I automatically— in anybody's right mind, you connect that with religion, right? And, and what I felt was like being spoken from the Holy Spirit and all of these things. And so for me, when I started deconstructing and I started going through therapy and pulling away layers, I realized the layers I was having to pull away were a lot of the limits and expectations that had been placed on me by society, but primarily by my religious beliefs and the people around me. And it, it was really— honestly, the death of George Floyd was one of the first big things for me that happened publicly that really made me start to question whether I wanted to be aligned with the Christian church. And it was, you know, shortly then thereafter you had Breonna Taylor, and then you had COVID onset, and we knew specifically how much that was affecting minority populations. And then as an immunocompromised individual myself, I have lupus. It was really the each layer of like How do I feel about this instance? Like, in this instance, I felt like I had to pick which side. Do I— did I fall on the side of humanity or did I fall on the side of Christianity? And it— I'm going back and I'm being told, oh, if you're questioning yourself, go pour yourself into the Bible and make sure you're getting with the text. And I did that. And as I'm sitting there and I'm reading these texts about how that those are the people that, that Jesus loved and Jesus helped. And you're reading the actions of the Pharisees and you're like, but that is the Christian church. And it's just, it was weird for me that like one of the times that I did pour myself most into my religion to try and make sense of it was really when it became most apparent for me that I could not be involved with the Christian church. And so it, it left me in this weird spot of, do I believe in God or do I not believe in God? Do I believe in Jesus or do I not believe in Jesus? And if I don't, what do I believe in? Because I, that's what I had believed in my whole life and was told to believe in my whole life, and that was the only option that I knew that was acceptable. I knew there were other options, but those are going to get me to hell. So yeah, so it was really hard. And so I really— that's honestly when I started developing my own mindset and framework that I— that's what I speak on now, actually, about self-connection and the difference of— about— of self-awareness versus self-connection and what that means. And how do we harness self-connection and how do we live in self-alignment? In what ways does that help us harness authenticity and essentially unlock our abundance? And that was it. I had to create this framework where I started to have to look at each individual individual circumstance that popped up in my life, and I had to trace it back to each individual feeling that I had about it. And not just, that makes me feel upset, but like, why am I disappointed? Because I was let down? Or do I feel like my time was disrespected? Do— whether it was a little thing or a big life worldview thing, like, why do I feel all of these different emotions? And then I started really realizing that the thing that kept me grounded and kept me in this abundance mindset, in this moving forward mindset, had nothing to do with the powers beyond me, that it had all to do with the power in me, and that I was in charge of that. And that was really the last deconstructing piece, that like, I, I— if there is a God, I am loving every human being with my whole soul. I am pouring myself into my community and the people that I love and I care about, and I'm trying to do better in the world. And I genuinely feel like I am connected to the energy that surges within me and how that connects to the world around me. And the end of my life, if there is a big guy with pearly gates, how are you gonna say that I didn't live how you told me to live? And if it's not, I If that's not what ends— happens and I end up a bird for my next lifetime, that's great too. I'm not gonna live with regrets. And that's where I've found my happiness. Yeah.

It's very freeing.

Yeah.

Very freeing. It's very uncomfortable at first and then it's very freeing. And I'm still myself in the process of doing so. But I think that I appreciate you sharing that and sharing your whole journey too. Yeah. Because I think that it's a term that's maybe not very well understood by those who are on the outside or just hearing and being like, wait, what on earth is this thing?

Yeah.

And I think, and also to your point, I remember doing that too and being like, but Jesus, is this— here's all the Christ-like things, right?

Yeah.

And that's what we're doing. Like, why are we— why is that?

I—

it's— what is going on?

It's hard. It's so hard.

Hard. So anyone who's listening who is going through this right now, like the utmost compassion from both of us because yeah, we've been there, we're doing the work and it is just keep asking the questions and connecting in. And, and so I did wanna say one more thing onto that.

So anybody who is in this interim space, you're deconstructing, if you're looking for a really good affirming church community that isn't necessarily a Christian community, but it's very welcome to all religions, I really urge you guys to check out a universal— it's a Unitarian Universalist church in your area. And it's, it's been a really— I'm not currently involved in one of these churches, but I've done a lot of research and have really found it's a really safe space for people who are like, I believe in something higher than myself, but I don't really know what that is, and I just want a community and I want to love people. Definitely check into that space because they really are safe spaces all over. And I'm in the middle of the Bible Belt in Oklahoma, and we even here still have at least two really fantastic congregations in our area. So they're out there. And the other thing that I would recommend is, it sounds crazy, but I drew myself a house with bricks, and each brick, as you like draw it, you have to remember that everything that we've been taught or that we believe at a foundational level is our slab, right? But each individual experience that we have that has cemented that foundation, every prayer that was answered, every, everything that has happened in your life is another brick that is on top of that foundation. And those, when we are deconstructing, you're not throwing those parts away. Those are still amazing pieces of your life and things that have happened. And divine intervention and energy exists regardless of what you believe and where you end up on that. But make sure that when you're deconstructing and you're pulling down all of these bricks, that you are keeping them to rebuild yourself, because those are still important pieces. And we can't just pretend didn't happen or erase that off as an experience that was something more than it should have been, like, you can still own and have those pieces. So draw your bricks, but don't throw them out and use them to rebuild yourself because ultimately you are in charge of that and you can do great things and build something beautiful from it.

Love that. Thank you for sharing that. I really appreciate it. Oh my goodness. I would love for you to talk a little bit about the work that you're doing now and how people can find you and connect with you and learn more from you.

Yeah, absolutely. I host my own parenting podcast. It's called The Odd Mom Pod. It's just a safe space for parents. I interview different parents and professionals with different life perspectives and experience to give parents different resources on how to break those generational molds that we're living in and to help our kids have tools for adulthood that we didn't have going into adulthood. So you can feel free to check that out. It's oddmompod.com. Or it's anywhere that you get your podcasts. And then my public speaking is my main most gig right now. I come in and speak to organizations. I have it in 3 different kind of tiers. I either come in and I talk to leadership and how to be inclusive in leadership, how to unlock their authenticity and how we can fill our cups as leaders to pour onto our teams. And it's fantastic. I also then can come in and I teach on the, on the ground level on how to level up your leverage. And so I teach. People who are working in organizations who may feel like they're stuck to help increase employee engagement and morale by teaching them tools to stay self-connected and find abundance, even when circumstance may feel daunting. And then I also love speaking to students or young adults and young professionals about leveling up their leverage in their life so that they have these tools as they're bridging from that teenage life into adulthood. And not every teen has amazing parents who listen to podcasts like this, who are out to try make the world better. And so I love to teach kids how to do that too. So it's been amazing. I'm working on a book. You can find all of that at brittsandoval.com, and I'm on LinkedIn and Instagram and all the things.

All the things. We will definitely link it within the show notes too, so people can just click on the links to learn more and to connect with you. And I am so delighted that we got to chat today and that you were on my podcast. Thank you.

I'm so excited. And everybody who didn't know, Heather Hester was on my podcast, so you can check out her episode. I don't honestly remember what number it is off the top of my head.

I'll connect— I will link that.

Oh, perfect. I'm like, yes, so you can talk about her, talk about her experience and her parenting experience, because it was a phenomenal episode too.

So much fun. So much fun. Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate it, and I look forward to us circling back.

Yes, anytime you need anything. If you ever want to do like a support group situation or have me come talk to parents, I would love it. I'm all for it.

Excellent.

I love it. I love it.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Thank you.

All right, why is this?

You're like, pause the recording. I know.

I'm like, oh, there we go. Oh my goodness, Heather, where is that? So my