Should You Shield Your LGBTQ Child From Hard Truths? Why Honest Conversations Build Stronger Kids

Should you shield your kid from life's toughest moments? Today's episode is an honest take that will change the way you view parenting. Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters. Raise brave kids, and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester. Let's get started. In this episode, you'll learn how to gauge what kids can handle at different ages, why honesty can build lifelong resilience, and practical ways to involve your kids without overwhelming them. And at the end, stick around because I will dismantle the myth that protecting kids means Hiding the truth. We think protecting our kids means keeping them in the dark or keeping them from pain, but real protection lies in teaching them how to walk through the dark, helping them to carry it. There are so many examples that came up for me, and actually what prompted me to do this topic today, or to to talk about this topic today was a friend asking me about it, a friend who was going through something very, very difficult and was really struggling with how to share with her kids what was going on. And it really got me to thinking, this is a, a great topic for all of us to contemplate and think about perhaps the ways that we've handled it in the past. Perhaps the ways that we were brought up and how it was handled by our parents in our, our homes growing up. And if there's anything that we want to change about the way that we handle difficult conversations, and these conversations can be anything from an illness. In a couple minutes, we'll share with you when I had thyroid cancer and how I talked about that with my kids and what I how I decided to talk about it with my kids. Um, it can be a kid coming out as gay. I'm going to talk about that as well, how that happened within our family and the different things that we had to learn about sharing that information. It could be an illness of a grandparent or an aunt or a very, very close friend. It could be a death. It can be divorce. It could be a loss of a job. Anything that can be really viewed as a difficult conversation, something that you pause when you think, how can I tell my kids? How do I want to share this with my kids? And, and what is appropriate for them to know at whatever ages they are? Because certainly there's certain information that just is not appropriate, or even more so, just way too difficult for younger kids to understand. That doesn't mean that just because they are young, we shouldn't share it at all. It means, how do we talk about this subject in a way that is age-appropriate and allows them to be part of the process? Not kept in the dark, but knowing information in a way that is appropriate for them. So I will first tackle talking about my illness when I had thyroid cancer. So I was diagnosed in August of 2020, which as we all remember was major COVID year. And so we had already been dealing with that as a family, as a community, as a country, as a world, right? And there was a ton of stress surrounding that. Thankfully, nobody in our family had yet had it. Um, nobody that we knew personally had passed from it, but it was still extremely stressful as far as the worries around that. And school, which of course was a complete nightmare no matter what age your kid was. And so it was definitely a shock when I was diagnosed. I went in for kind of a routine biopsy and then was told that I had— there was cancer in both sides of the thyroid, so I needed to have a complete thyroidectomy. Now, as many doctors at the time told me, this is a quote unquote good cancer to get, which in the scheme of cancers and all the cancers that there are, yes, it was extremely treatable. We had caught it early. Super grateful about that. And, but it, it still came down to it is cancer and how do I tell my kids that I have cancer? And at the time, Connor was going into his sophomore year of college. Isabel was going into her senior year of high school. Grace was going into her freshman year of high school, and Rowan was going into 7th grade. And so I was just really frightened to tell them. And I think because they already were in this heightened state of anxiety that we were all sitting in, in the time. And, and I didn't want them to be worried, especially sending Connor back to New York City for college. And so he was going to be away from me, from us at the time that I had surgery. And Steve and I talked about it quite a bit. Uh, Connor actually was with me in the moment that I got the phone call that I had cancer. So he, he got to know right away. He was the first one who knew, but then it became this conversation of, you know, Do we tell each one of them one-on-one? Do we tell them as a, you know, big family conversation? Do we kind of get all the ducks in a row about here, find out all the information first so then I can tell them, you know, I've been diagnosed with this, this is the treatment, this is when I'm having surgery, this is what the diet, you know, what the prognosis is. Don't, I don't want you to worry about it. I'm going to be just fine. It just means that I'm going to be tired and that it's gonna be a long journey afterward to regulate and potentially have other treatments. We're not quite sure yet, blah, blah, blah. Ultimately, we ended up telling them one at a time and allowing them to each, you know, kind of have that space to be able to ask all the questions they wanted to. And we didn't really alter the way that we told them because again, Rowan was going into 7th grade and We had been dealing with COVID as a family and we had already had the experience of really deepening our communication skills and, um, coping skills through everything that we learned with Connor. So there was that piece as well. And they all, you know, did great with it. They had lots of questions. And were incredible little support systems for me in their ways. And we did always leave it very open for them to come back with questions. And I think the two biggest takeaways from that, just really being very honest, very simple, not getting into like crazy, insane details, but if they ask questions about it, answering it. So that was, that was that. With Connor coming out, that was a little more complicated. Obviously they were younger, so they were 16, 13, 11, and 9. And Connor told Isabel pretty quickly after he told us, but he requested that we did not tell Grace and Rowan right away. He wanted to tell them and we, honored that. So there was that piece that for about a year they did not know, and which made it quite difficult in some ways to be able to explain, you know, why he was struggling, why he had to go away. He didn't go away because he was gay. He went away because he was, he was struggling and, and had some acute depression, anxiety, and suicide-related issues that then turned into substance-related issues. This has all been covered in other episodes. If you are curious, I will put them in the show notes and you can listen to them. Um, but all of that being said, he wanted to be able to tell them himself. I'm not gonna go into a ton of details here. The reason I brought this up was for that specific piece of it. And then to kind of fast forward into once Grace and Rowan got a little bit older, Grace especially was really, really upset that we hadn't told her right away and that Connor did not want to tell her right away and felt like the way that we talked about things was unfair. And she was right in a lot of ways. We— Steve and I were, you know, on our heels for that first year. And there were a lot of times where we did choose silence or we chose very little information over being honest to the best of our ability. To really offering information and reassuring them that, that Connor, to best of our knowledge, to the best of our efforts, was going to be okay, that we were doing everything we could. So I really thought that it was important to talk about this topic today, because if you have not ever been in a situation where You are faced with whether you shield your child from a difficult situation or a painful situation, or if you are open and honest with them, or if you are vulnerable with them, or if you decide to equip them with the tools that they might need or the coping mechanisms they might need. It's a really good thing to prep yourself ahead of time for. And I, I share this obviously from experience. So it's so easy to fall into wanting to protect them from everything. And that we realized was very short-sighted when we could have taken those opportunities to really prepare them better for the next step or for growth or for life, right? Rowan and Grace knew something was going on. They knew that something was wrong and giving them way less information than they deserved to know. We could have taken a moment. We could have taken time and really thought about how we wanted to share this with them over time. We didn't, we were in crisis. We were afraid. We were anxious. There were a million reasons why we didn't. But now looking back, we realize, oh my gosh, that silence just created more anxiety in them. And it, it created fear and fears that then they were afraid to talk to us about and things that have taken a lot of time. And effort and energy on their part to bring forward and work through. Age-appropriate honesty teaches trust. It creates trust and it teaches empathy. I will just add in here one more quick story that this brought up for me, which is the way I was brought up. And I think a lot of it was very generational in that families just didn't talk about things. They didn't share a whole lot. If yours did, that's amazing. But there were a lot of things that my parents either did not tell the truth about, um, did not talk about. Was just kept secret. There were a lot of secrets and incomplete information created a narrative in our minds, right? In my mind and my siblings' minds. And as we became adults and the truth began to be revealed to us, we realized how different the reality was and that what we were told or led to believe was just completely inaccurate, whether it was about a person or people, families, situations. And ultimately, not only did it affect trust and relationship and connection, it also affected the way that we had always viewed greater family or situations, it, it altered, you know, these memories that we had that were— that didn't make sense anymore. And so I bring that up because not being honest or not being thoughtful in the way that you share things in an age-appropriate way can really create long-lasting effects. So it is something that I am very careful and aware of now. And because we struggled with it, because we didn't have a blueprint, I wanted to provide a little bit of one for you today. So in addition to what we've already talked about, I want you to really think about the developmental stage of where your kids are when something happens, or if something happens. And remember that little kids, younger kids, they just need reassurance. Teens can handle more nuance. They can handle more details. Always, always, always lead with safety, saying things like, we love you. We're okay. You are safe. Anything like that, that just allows them to kind of take a breath and and continue to listen. If they are feeling fearful, if they are feeling incredibly anxious, they aren't going to be able to hear what you have to say. Model resilience for them. Show them how to navigate grief. Show them that feeling grief is okay. Show them healthy ways to navigate stress, to cope with stress. They don't need all of the details. They just need trust. Remember that them being involved in whatever way you deem appropriate creates in them empathy. It's a really great way to teach empathy and it creates connection. And kids who learn how to walk through hard things with their parents are stronger adults and they are able to do it so much more successfully when they encounter difficult situations. If you've been with me for a while, you know that I have absolutely loved our listener query segment. It has been an incredible way to answer all of your question— questions and bust myths as they've come up. And while I was traveling about a month or so ago, I really was thinking about ways to make this segment better. And I thought, you know, it'd be really cool if we added action and something more action-focused. So I've evolved the listener query into something I'm calling the Unlearn, where each week I will tackle one common myth or bias or assumption something that we've all been taught to believe. And I'll break it down, help you reimagine what's possible, and end with one tangible action you can take into the week. It will still be completely grounded in your questions and your stories, so please keep sending them my way, but now it will be part of your weekly allyship practice, something that you can add to your toolbox. So let's get ready to unlearn, reimagine, and act. So today's unlearn, of course, coincides with today's topic, and it is about what it means to show vulnerability as a parent. The story we often hear is kids need us to be strong all the time. If they see us cry or worry or struggle, it will scare them. The truth is kids don't need perfect parents. They need real ones. When they see us express emotions in healthy ways, it teaches them that feelings are safe, survivable, and part of being human. And I will just share with you that I still remember To this day, the first time that I really, really broke down and cried, and it was in front of Rowan and Grace. We were on our way back from a doctor's appointment for Rowan, and it was in the middle of the time when things were getting really heightened with Connor, and I was so scared and I was so worried about him. And you know, when you don't express fear and worry and all of, all of those parental feelings, they just continue building up until you eventually melt or explode or something happens. And, and I did, but I did in a way that all of a sudden it just hit me that it was totally okay for them to see me being sad. Up until that point, I had worked really hard to keep my emotions pretty buttoned up, which I cannot even tell you how hard it was because I am an incredibly expressive person. So I would often excuse myself or really keep it locked down and once they were in bed or at school, that is when I would let it all out. And so in that moment, realizing it's okay for them to see me be human certainly was not a thought that I came up with on my own. It was a place I was guided to for sure. But I'm so grateful I did because it opened up this whole new way of being with them. And, and for them too, to see that it's okay to express, to feel, to cry, to, to be scared, to talk about why they were scared. I mean, I just can't even tell you just the, the deepening of my personal human experience, my human experience with my kids, their human experience, just incredible. So just wanted to share that little bit with you and encourage you to let your child witness one small moment of vulnerability from you this week. You can say anything from I'm feeling sad today, but I know it will pass. Or this is really, really hard for me, but I'm glad we are in it together. Model honesty without the overwhelm. When we can unlearn this myth that kids can't handle our vulnerability, we teach them the most important truth of all. That strength and softness can coexist. Today we unpacked the difference between shielding and equipping, why age-appropriate honesty builds trust, and how involving our kids in struggles creates resilience. Our kids don't need us to be perfect. They need us to be real and to show them that life's messes can be walked through together. Thank you so much for being part of these tough but vital conversations. Just knowing that you are out there reminds me that none of us are doing this alone. Remember that new episodes drop every Tuesday and Friday, and future interviews will drop as special episodes. So make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. And if today's episode resonated with you, I'd love to give you an excerpt of my book, Parenting with Pride, with a guided reflection. Go to tinyurl.com/pwpreflect. The link is in the show notes as well. Let's continue to see the humanity in each other, no matter our differences. And until next time, remember, you are not alone.