The Difference Between Nice and Kind in Schools and Why It Matters for Your LGBTQ Child's Safety

Today we're going to talk about how starting the school year with kindness, not niceness, sets the tone for inclusion.

Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester. Let's get started.

Welcome to More Human, More Kind. I'm Heather Hester, and I'm so grateful you are here. As the new school year begins, many of us, parents, educators, and allies, are searching for ways to create safer, more inclusive world for our kids. Today's episode is an invitation an encouragement to dig deeper than polite smiles or surface-level inclusion and embrace kindness as a powerful, intentional practice that can truly change school culture. While nice often avoids conflict, remember that kind moves us toward authentic connection. With ourselves and with others. It's an act or acts that take courage, but ultimately create the type of community we all want and need. Here's what you'll take away from today's conversation: a clear understanding of the difference between being nice and being kind, specifically in school environments; real-life examples for practicing kind allyship in different situations like classrooms, carpool lines, and conversations, and strategies to help your child or teen lead with kindness and recognize when it's time to act, not just observe. So let's get into it. Let's start out by defining our terms. Nice avoids discomfort. It stays quiet to keep the peace. It's performative. Kind speaks up even when it's awkward. It prioritizes humanity over politeness. It chooses truth with compassion. This distinction matters in schools because LGBTQ+ students and all marginalized students notice the difference. They notice when adults smile but don't intervene. They notice when teachers ignore slurs or jokes to "not rock the boat." They notice when parents excuse exclusionary behavior as "kids being kids." Kindness disrupts that. It's the teacher who asks for pronouns and uses them. It's the parent who speaks up in a PTA meeting about representation. It's the classmate who says, "That joke's not funny." It's the coach who hears slurs being used in the locker room or on the field and puts a stop to it. Kindness in a school setting isn't always comfortable, but it is transformative. GLSEN's 2023 National School Climate Survey found that students in schools with LGBTQ+ inclusive policies and proactive adult allies were more likely to feel safe, respected, and engaged in their education. Let's talk about what this actually sounds like in practice. I'm going to share a few examples and basic scripts for parents, teachers, and kids alike. First, for parents at school events or meetings, you hear someone say, "I just think we should focus on all families, not just one group." Your kind response can be, "I completely agree that all families matter." And that's exactly why it's important to make sure every family feels represented. When we don't name people, they're often forgotten. For educators in the classroom, a student misgenders another student either accidentally or as a joke. The kind response is, "Let's pause for a moment. We all deserve to be addressed in a way that feels respectful and right to us." Let's take a moment to remember that using correct names and pronouns is a baseline for respect in this space. For students, a peer says something exclusionary or offensive. In elementary school, the kind response can be, "Hey, that wasn't very kind. Everyone belongs here." For middle school or high school, the kind response can be, "Not cool. That kind of joke really hurts people, even if you didn't mean it that way." Encourage your kids to speak up if it's safe, and if not, to tell a trusted adult. Emphasize and even model that reporting isn't tattling, it's protecting. Roleplay these moments at home. Ask your child, "What would you say if this happened?" And then coach them through kind, courageous responses. Kindness starts at home and then spreads out in concentric circles. Celebrate vulnerability at home. Let your child see you owning your mistakes and Practicing kindness, even in the really hard moments. Talk about social dynamics. Ask, "Who do you notice being left out?" Or, "Where did you see kindness today?" Build the language of owning or repairing situations. "What could we say to make that right?" Or, "How can we show up better next time?" In the school community, model allyship in front of your kids. Speak up when you see exclusion, even subtly. Your kids are watching. Offer gentle reminders. If a parent says something problematic, respond with curiosity and kindness. I've actually been learning more about that lately. I'm happy to share a resource if you're curious. You can also join or start an inclusion committee. You can use different words such as kindness or empathy since everything DEI is getting chopped right now and people are quite sensitive about it. But what is important is advocating for LGBTQ+ affirming curriculum, library books, and staff training. For your child, equip them with tools and choices by saying things like, "You don't have to be loud to be powerful." Even just standing next to someone who feels alone is a form of kindness. You don't need to respond right away. It's okay to pause, reflect, and come back later with something kind to say and remind them that they always have choices. Now it is time for our listener query segment. This is your official invitation to reach out with your LGBTQ+ related question or myth that you've heard that you would like to have clarified. And today is another common myth which is opposing homosexuality is Christian. While it is true that some people who claim to be Christian oppose homosexuality, opposing homosexuality is not inherently Christian. Christianity, like any religion, is not monolithic. There is a wide diversity of beliefs and interpretations of scripture within Christianity. Many Christian denominations and leaders now embrace LGBTQ+ rights and inclusion, recognizing that love, compassion, and acceptance are core Christian values. Many affirm LGBTQ+ people, including marriage equality and LGBTQ+ clergy. Christianity is about love and acceptance. And there are many Christians who believe that the message of Jesus Christ calls for inclusivity, not exclusion. Numerous LGBTQ+ Christians reconcile their faith, and they are advocating for a more loving, open interpretation of Christianity. The idea that opposing homosexuality is Christian is a very narrow view. But does not reflect the full spectrum of Christian beliefs. There are many ways to practice Christianity, and for many, accepting LGBTQ+ people is part of their faith. Here's what we explored today: the difference between being nice and being truly kind, real-life conversations for allies in schools and communities, and ways to help your child and yourself lead with kindness, even in uncomfortable moments. Starting the school year being kind, not just nice, sets a tone that reaches far beyond one classroom. When we practice kindness rooted in courage, we create ripples that protect the vulnerable encourage connection with one another, and ultimately reshape culture. A few weeks after the election last year, someone very, very dear to me shared the following post from @mymetaphysicalmaven on Instagram, and it said in part: Be the softest, most ruthless version of yourself. Soft doesn't mean weak, And ruthless doesn't mean cruel. Be soft enough to let love in, ruthless enough to protect it. Soft enough to feel everything, ruthless enough to cut what doesn't align. I've read the full post hundreds of times now, and each time it resonates in a little different way. And what I realized is that it is the most exqui— exquisite and clear description of kindness. The kindness that I talk about here and the kindness that I want to embody. Kindness is soft and ruthless. It is empathetic and brave. And it begins with the choices we make each day to see, support, and stand with one another. Thank you for being part of this powerful conversation. You are the reason this movement of honest and kind human connection continues to grow. New episodes air every Tuesday and Friday, so be sure to follow or subscribe so you won't miss what's next. I am in the process of creating the Parenting with Pride companion journal, and I would love to hear from you. Your valuable insights and your feedback will shape the journal's design and content, and it will help create a meaningful resource for parents and allies. As a thank you, all survey participants will be entered into a raffle for a chance to win a $50 Amazon gift card. This optional survey is linked in the show notes. Until next time, may your conversations, your choices, and mere presence be deeply kind.