What Happens When an LGBTQ Child Gets No Support: Steph Vachon's Story of Survival and Reclamation

There are stories that don't just inspire us, they remind us what resilience actually looks like. Today's guest knows what it means to survive shame, silence, and the kind of pain that can make someone believe that they have to disappear in order to belong. As a young queer athlete growing up surrounded by homophobia, bullying, and abuse, he learned very early how to endure. But not yet how to love himself. By 17, after finally making it to nationals in Canada as a competitive figure skater, the weight of that pain became too much, and he walked away from the sport he loved. What followed was years of searching, traveling the world through professional ice shows, trying to outrun shame that refused to stay behind. But this story is not about defeat. It's about reclamation through therapy, healing, self-discovery, an ADHD diagnosis later in life, and navigating chronic illness. He slowly began rebuilding a relationship with himself rooted in compassion instead of survival. Today, he is the proud queer man, husband, father, champion skater, and double gold medalist returning to the ice at 55 to compete once again at the 2026 Valencia Gay Games. This conversation is about identity, healing, chosen family, second chances, and what happens when we finally allow ourselves to come home to who we truly are. Please welcome Steph Vachon. Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast for parents of LGBTQ+ kids and anyone trying to stay human in a world that keeps hardening. I'm Heather Hester, and here we talk about fear, belonging, boundaries, courage, love, and what it means to protect what matters without losing yourself in the process. Your child doesn't just need a parent who's informed. They need a parent who is grounded and strong. Let's take a breath, and let's begin.

Steph, welcome to the show. I am so glad you are here today to have this really lovely conversation. And so I would like to just start right off with giving people a little bit of your background.

Who are you?

Why are we having this conversation?

Well, I'm a French-Canadian, 57 years old soon. Think like having a second chance at life, really. Let's say that my childhood was really, really hard. In the end of '70s and early '80s, the word homosexuality did not exist where I was from. I was from a small town, a French-speaking town. Right. And it was Catholic and boys played hockey and that was it. And I knew right from the start that I was different, that I liked, I was really artistic. I was really into the arts, really young, into piano, into drawing, into, and then I had a pair of hockey skates and I was learning skating lessons. And then one day they announced a little club competition and I just skated around the ice and I got the gold medal. I don't know why I did nothing. And it was like, okay, this is what I want to be. I want to have figure skates. I want to have a blade with toe picks. And this is what I want to do. And I knew right away, like right that moment, that's what I wanted to be. And it was really easy for me after that to learn how to skate. I would teach myself. I would look at, you know, watch on TV skaters and I would be doing it in my living room and then doing it on the ice.

Oh, wow.

And right away I won championships really quickly. But of course, because I was a boy figure skating in my town, I was right away, you know, the homo, the faggot, and don't go beside him, he's gonna rape you and all that. And that became my day-to-day life, like from the moment I woke up until I went back to bed. So I was always surrounded by humiliation and all these words all the time, everywhere I went. The environment I was in did not want to see what was happening. I tried to express it, but let's say that I grew up alone, totally alone in this. So I learned really quickly to shrink, to hide, to be so in shame of who I was because, you know, I did not understand because like I said, in those times there was not words, you know, there was no social media, there was no nothing like what we're doing today. Right. So it became really, really difficult because I really thought I was sick and that I was unworthy of living because I thought, oh my God, I'm the only one. You know?

Right.

And fast-tracking, well, years went on and I realized that my early 30s that I completely lost myself. Like I didn't know who I was anymore because I was kept acting for so long, you know, for how do I speak, how do I hold myself, how do I present myself? Trying to please everybody to fit.

Mm-hmm.

So there was a big breaking point in my early 30s where the anxiety was so strong that I, one day I just could not get out of the house anymore. I could not go into the world. It was like, I just could not. And so that started my healing process. It's been a long, work in progress. I started with a therapist in my mid-30s, which is— that man saved my life, I would say. And I learned from him and from support groups and through the community also, a lot of reading, a lot of work on myself. And let's say that today I can finally say that I love myself and I respect myself, but it took a long time to be able to say that. And I'm still healing. I'm still in the process, but now it's a wonderful process. You know, like at first it was really hard and really heavy. And I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but Let's say that now I'm just like polishing it. It's a lot better. It's been a long journey, but it's, um, it's now a wonderful journey.

Well, I, first of all, just wanna say I'm so glad you stayed and you stuck it out. And that was a really, really long time for you to be very alone.

Yeah.

And, and I think that you brought up something that now is so hard to imagine. But when you were those ages, there wasn't representation. There wasn't— you know, you couldn't go to the internet and see, right? There weren't books. There weren't movies. It was so in the shadows and not spoken of and not— acknowledged in any way. So even if there had been someone who could have, you know, been an angel or somebody to just watch over you, it was so quiet that there would have been no way for them to know that you needed a person.

You know, if I would have had something like we have today, just one thing, I know my life would have been completely different.

Well, I think that's such a powerful statement because people do argue that quite a bit about, oh, why is there— why does there always have to be, you know, stuff on TV and movies and books and you name it? Because that representation is so deeply important. And this, I think that your story is just such a great exemplifier of why it is so very important and how many people like you of our age who grew up so alone, and there quite possibly were people around you who would've been affirming, but you didn't know, right? Because you also didn't have the language.

Exactly.

I'm curious at what point that you, that you became kind of more aware of obviously there was very negative language coming at you, but you became more aware of others and positive language and just community.

Well, it happened when I, I quit my competitive figure skating career at 17, which is really young. I had made it to nationals here in Canada, but I I was surviving. So when you're surviving, I was not improving anymore. The competitions were so hard at that time. Like, I mean, I could not— how are you going to go into performing in front of judges and a crowd when you feel so bad about yourself, you know?

Right.

So it became too hard. So then Maybe you will know what I'm talking about, but the Ice Capades came in town. They were like the professional ice shows touring at that time. And so I'm like, yeah, here's my chance to get out, get out of here. So I auditioned for them. I was— I just had turned 18. They took me. I left. So then I could, but even then that took me a long time to admit it to myself and others because And I was, when I got into the show, there was a lot of gay people, there were a lot of, you know, all kinds of people. But even then it took me a whole year because the shame was so strong and the weight I was carrying of that shame. I didn't want to be that. I didn't want to be gay. I hated it because of what I had to go through.

Right.

I even brought up a girlfriend from the show because we were going to tour here in my town, and I made sure I had a girlfriend so I could bring my girlfriend home and have everybody so happy and proud, you know. And I actually called her later and I told her that I— what I did was wrong and I was sorry that I used her. But at that time, I was like, so I was still surviving and I wanted to prove to others that I fit in the, in the box, you know? And, um, so then I had, um, a summer off before I went back to the next season. And, um, it was like, okay, now I, I need to do something. Like, I need to come out to myself. I need to, I need to learn to, I have to be myself. I can't do this anymore. It gets to a point that, I mean, you just can't anymore. And, um, I was at a party at some friends that we were all reuniting from high school. And it's like 10 o'clock at night. I'm like, sorry guys, I have to leave. I'm tired. And then I go straight to the gay bar and who's there? Like many of my friends that were at the party. So it was so funny that we saw each other. We all freaked out. And then we, it was the best summer I came out. And, um, but then it didn't last for long, you know, because after that, like the pink cloud is out. Okay, you have fun, you, you, you feel better. But then the reality comes back in where I, I was really carrying all this, you know, all those words and all what happened. Uh, it was still there.

Oh yeah.

And it took me a long time, even if I was around my community, um, it took me a long time to take that all in and think, okay, I'm okay, I'm allowed to be who I am. Because I even, that turning point in my early 30s where there was so much anxiety that I couldn't come out, I was even so ashamed of saying that I had been a figure skater or I was a figure skater that I quit all of it. I quit coaching, I quit performing, I quit everything, stopped watching it on TV, put my skates in the closet and threw everything else away. And, uh, everything, my medals, everything was gone. But I kept the skates. I don't know why. I don't know. I kept them. And then I started that time where I could not come out of the house because I was so anxious. Well, I went to see a doctor and I said, look, I can't be in the society anymore right now. I can't work. I can't, like, I just can't anymore. I have to find myself and do something. So, um, I took a long break and I started writing. I started writing everything that was in my head from the start until that day. Um, not just things that happened to me, but the way I reacted to things, how the choices I made because of who, the way I saw myself, you know, because when you see, when you hate yourself and then you see yourself in such a negative way, you don't make the right choices for yourself. You make it for other people, you know, to fit in to all of that.

Right.

So I wrote, I wrote everything and then I was lucky to find a therapist that is still in my life today, an incredible man. And my first session, I just took all that big piece of paper that was like, I don't know how many pages, but it took me weeks and I threw it on his desk and I said, okay, you gotta read this. I didn't say please.

Please.

You're gonna read this. You tell me if you can save me, and if you can't save me, that's it. Like, I'm at the end of my road. Like, I cannot go on anymore. So he's like, so he told, he said, promise me you'll come back next week. I promise I won't read all of this, and then we'll talk about it next week, and I'll tell you if I can help you. And I said, yeah, fine. And right away, it was like the first time that someone really sat down with me and listened to me and was like, I felt like he was gonna take care, you know, of at least listen and see if he could help me. So I went back the next week and right away he said, sit down, I am going to help you., and it's gonna get way better. And I'm like, okay. So I, that's the day that I chose life. And when I do something, because I'm so disciplined, I'm like, okay, anything you tell me to do, I will do it. So read books, exercise, uh, about, you know, how to deal with things. And I, although he gave me so much homework. And he then one day said, now you're going to put your skates and go on the ice, you know? And because I kept telling him that I had dreams that I kept, you know, doing, being skating on my dreams and everything. And so that was the first part I would say that really brought me to life again. It was a long road. Like, I didn't think it was gonna be that hard, but I'm so proud of myself today that I took to it, you know, and I went all the way. And, um, but I would really say that the biggest, uh, that would say the cherry on the sundae, you know, like, is when me and my husband, um, had our son. 6 years ago soon, um, that completely transformed me. I always wanted to be a dad and, well, I always thought that we weren't allowed, you know, and so we became allowed here in Canada and, um, so I was able to get married, then we had our son and having our son was like That transformed me. It was like, okay, if I want to teach him all those values that I believe in.

Yeah.

I have to do it to myself. Yeah. Like, how am I gonna teach my son to be proud of who he is and love himself if I can't do it to myself?

Right.

So that was like the biggest turning point. So Everything I gave him, I was giving it to me. And then I learned that, yes, I was taking care of my son, but I was taking care of little Steph, you know, and everything he didn't have. And one thing I'm good at is I'm good at looking around. My radar is really good. I'm like, okay, this, I'm not gonna do this. This, I don't want to be like that. Where I was in my environment when I was young and what I had to go through, I'm like, no, I have to break this cycle. I have to break this cycle and I cannot give that to my own son. So I have to give it to myself. So having our son is like, is the biggest gift for me and for all of us, you know? People tell us, oh, he's so lucky to have you guys. I'm like, no, you don't understand. No, no, no, no, no. Like, I'm so lucky. We are so lucky to have each other, you know? But yeah, that was like the other major big point that in my life that really turned things around even more.

Oh, I love that. There's such redemption and And being a parent and being able to see like, this is what I didn't get as a child that I needed. And my child is never gonna want for that. And so those beautiful pieces of like you being seen, like the first time with your therapist, like you were heard and seen probably for the first time.

Yep.

Like truly, right? Like all of you, not just the pieces that you were putting out there, but like completely. And, and that's so transformative. And, um, so the fact that, you know, you are aware and you've done all this personal work to be able to say from, from day one with your child, he will have this. He will, you know, all the pieces that you've learned, everything that you've been through.

Yep. And he, like, I promised him that, um, he was always gonna feel loved no matter what. Yeah. That he was gonna have a secure home. There's no screaming here. There's no fighting. You know, I mean, once in a while we can argue, me and my husband, but we like, you know, it's normal.

That's normal. Yeah.

And, um, and the thing that I promised myself the most is I have to apologize to him if I do something wrong, if I do something that is not, that I'm not making him happy or whatever. There's days that, you know, my tone will go higher or I'm not feeling good about something. And then, so I, first of all, I feel so bad and then I sit down with him and I tell him, I said, you know, Daddy Steph today, it was not, he didn't treat you right. I was not feeling good. And what I did or what I said was not nice. And I'm really sorry. Do you accept my apology? And he's like, and the kids are so like, they're so understanding. Right. I mean, now he's 9 years old, but even before that, he would be like, It's okay, Dad. It's okay, Dad. And then he gives me a hug. It's all good. It's all good, you know. And that's something I never got and I still don't get today from my environment, you know. So I'm like, that's the biggest thing I want to give my son. And I want to teach him too, you know, that if you do something, it's okay. That you're not perfect, but to, you know, to apologize and the rewards you get after that, I mean, it's priceless. So, yeah.

Oh my gosh. Well, you are modeling. That is one of my most favorite lessons too that I've had. And my kids were a little bit older when I really was able to embrace that because for quite some time I thought I had to be perfect, right? Like I had to be this perfect parent because that's what we grew up with, right? And at least that's what we thought. And so once I, when I realized and I was able to like really fully digest and embody this idea of like, oh no, I'm fully human and I need to, my job is to also teach my children how to be human and how to be kind humans. And, and part of that is acknowledging that we're gonna mess up. It doesn't matter how old you are. And that when you mess up, you say you're sorry.

Exactly.

And you, you own it. You say, I'm sorry, I'm going to do better. It's like one of the most magical lessons that we can learn as human beings and that we can teach our children. So, so much. I say bravo to you for some unknown reason. Oh my goodness. It's just quite extraordinary. Quite, quite extraordinary. So you had mentioned that obviously your transformation of healing began with meeting your therapist on that, that day, and, and you still work with or know your therapist to this day. Were there other pieces that were involved in this transformation and in your healing that were really important? Inviting someone into your home to paint is a big deal. You want people you can trust, people who show up on time, respect your space, and do the job right the first time. That's exactly what we do at Heather Hester Painting and Decorating. With over 58 years of experience and a commitment to true craftsmanship, we treat your home like it's our own, creating masterpieces one wall at a time. To schedule a consultation, go to go.heatherhester.com. Hesterdecorating.com/mhmk. That's go.hesterdecorating.com/mhmk. And pieces.

I realized that doing something for others is really rewarding yourself too. Like you really, you learn so much. When you help others, you don't realize, well, you start realizing how much it's helping you. So of course, when we had our son, we had him from the social services. So it, to me, was like, okay, well, yes, we are helping a kid, but at the same time, I mean, he's helping me so much. And, um, he came in during pandemic and everything shut down. And we were the 3 of us 24 hours a day together here and no getting to know each other. And I was like, okay, now what am I, what, what do I wanna do for the rest of my life? Like, what do I wanna do? And I wanna do something meaningful. I wanted to reconnect with my community, which I had, you know, put on the side for a long time because I had to take care of myself. Then we got married, we had our kids. So all of that. And I was really looking for something that would be meaningful, creative, because I love to create. And so I went back to school, studied digital marketing. I had a background in graphic design. So, and then I was listening to Mel Robbins. And then she said in one of her episodes, you know, it was about reinventing yourself. And then she said, and if you even want to start your own podcast at 55 years old, just do it. And I'm like, I'm 55 at that time. And it just went like, ding, you know? And then I turned around to my husband. I said, look, I think that's what I want to do. I want to get involved in my community and start my own podcast and hearing other people's stories, hearing other voices that went through the same thing, that are going through their healing process, how they do it. They learn to love themselves. They love to respect themselves. They love to, they learn to put boundaries, you know, all that. It's like, wow, this is like the other part that is really helping me and healing is to get involved in my community and to share, you know, and work together in this. It's like, I never thought that it would be helping me that much. At first I was like, okay, I wanna do something for my community, but then it's like selfishly, it's helping me first. So much. And then I'm like, I've done some speeches about bullying in the past. I'm like, oh my God, I think I really want to go further and start have my keynote speech, you know, and get involved even more in my community. I've been like a figure skating coach for so many years too. I don't want to be a coach, but I want to like I want to like cheer on my team, you know, my community and just share and that we help each other because I think in these times, I think the best way for us to shine is really to learn to love each other, ourselves, you know, be proud of who we are. And this is how we gotta advance in some, the rest of the world and try to get things better, I think. I believe in advocating too and being loud and all that, but this isn't me. Like, and I'm not like that. So I'm like, okay, do I do just my little life until I retire and just think about myself? And I'm like, no, I can't do that. I just can't. Not with what I've been through. I'm like, I need to share the tools that I learned and keep learning from others and be a part of my community. And that helps so much. It's like a different life, you know? Yeah.

Yes.

Well, and advocating to that point looks different for everyone. And I think that people do think, oh, well, I have to be loud and I have to go out and protest. And I don't, that's not really me. Advocating is, you know, what do you do well? Like, what is your gift? What is your talent? And taking that talent and using that for the greater good. And, um, and I think that's such an important thing, especially right now for people to embrace and say, oh, well, I'm really good at writing, or I'm really good at, you know, whatever it is. And, and taking that and using that. In this moment for whatever you're advocating for, whether it is the LGBTQ community, whether it is, you know, whatever marginalized community you decide that you are advocating for, that you are part of, um, or not part of, and you are an ally. Just do it. And so I think that is such a powerful thing for people to hear. I love this, you know, just the idea of What do I do now? I'm, I'm starting over, or this is my second chance at life. This is my, like, what can I do?

Yeah. Yeah. And, um, it was like, I don't, I wasted so much time not being happy with who I was, you know?

Mm-hmm.

And, um, I'm not getting younger and I'm like, okay, tick-tock, tick-tock. Like, you need to do anything, everything you want to do now. I cannot wait anymore. I have no time to waste.

Nope.

And that is, that helps me also to be in the present moment, you know? Like, what do I do today?

Right.

And what do I do to make myself feel good today, be happy today, and also have long-term, long-term goals and I'm like, hurry up. So I have no time to waste. So yeah, this is, it's really like a second chance of life because I traveled a lot. I did a lot of great things, but I never felt I was completely there because I was surviving.

Right.

So there's things that I did, like I remember, I'm like, oh my God, I did that. And you know, I toured in ice shows and I saw that and I experienced so many great things, but I wasn't living them. Yeah. And now I'm living them.

Yeah. You were not, um, I wasn't present.

No, you weren't present.

You weren't connected to your, like, your authentic self, right? Who you really were and are. And, um, and I think many people can relate to that. And in that moment that you finally say, Oh wait, no, I actually love who I am.

Yeah. Yeah.

That's when you begin living.

Oh, totally. Totally. It's totally different. It's, it's like another life. Like I've seriously had two lives. It feels like that. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I, I completely understand that. Oh my goodness. Well, I, I have loved this conversation. Is there anything else that you would that you would like to share, that you would like to say? And of course, I will guide everyone to your podcast, Together Moving Forward, and to your work and your social media. But is there anything that you would like to share?

Sure, yes. I would like the young ones, everybody, to Stop listening to the noise around. Stop listening to people who tell you that you need to be in a container, in a box, and be like everybody else. Stop. Take a deep breath and feel who you are. And it's go inside and go feel who you are. And please be who you are because the more we stay in that container that we all, we are told to be, the less other people are gonna be able to come out also. And it's not, it's just about being who you are. That's it. You know? And, uh, yeah, celebrate who you are because don't wait. Like I had to wait for so long. You know, I'm, I'm so grateful that finally I'm being who I am. But I wish I would've had the help, you know, or would've had a podcast or the internet or something that would've, you know, that I could have seen and be like, oh, I'm not alone.

Right.

You know, I'm not a freak. I'm not alone. I'm not, I'm not wrong. I'm totally perfect the way I am. So yeah, this is what I would say. Everybody's just perfect the way they are and and just reach inside, take the time to see who you are and be proud of who you are and find your community. It's really helpful. You know, the more we are together, the better we can feel about ourselves. So yeah, that's what I would say.

Thank you. I can't add or make that any better. That was just perfect.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for being with me today. I appreciate it.

Oh, thank you so much.

What struck me most about this conversation with Steph was not just his resilience, although there is so much of that. It was his willingness to keep choosing himself after decades of being taught not to, to return to the ice after 15 years away, to become the kind of father he once needed himself. To stop surviving long enough to finally begin living. There is something deeply powerful about hearing someone say, "I thought I had lost myself forever, and then I found my way back." And maybe that's the reminder for all of us today: that healing does not have an expiration date. That self-love can begin at any age. That it is never too late to reclaim joy, identity, community, or the parts of yourself you had to abandon in order to survive. If this conversation resonated with you, please share it with someone who may need the reminder that they are not alone and that who they are is not something to hide, fix, or apologize for. And if you are looking for more conversations about belonging, healing, courage, parenting, and what it means to stay human in a world that keeps trying to harden us, I'd love for you to subscribe to the podcast and join me over on Substack. Until next time, keep choosing curiosity over fear, compassion over judgment, and remember: the world changes every time someone decides they no longer need permission to fully be themselves.