What LGBTQ Kids Face in Elementary and Middle School and How Parents Can Help Them Feel Safe and Seen

Today we're gonna talk about back-to-school tips for LGBTQ+ elementary and middle school kids. Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester. Let's get started. Welcome to More Human, More Kind. I'm Heather Hester, and I am really grateful you are here today. I cannot even begin to believe that I'm saying the words "back to school." The summer, as it seems to always do, floated by in days that were both packed with activity and a somewhat delicious change of pace. And so here we are again, beginning the back-to-school season, which can bring excitement and nervous energy, as well as fresh starts. For LGBTQ+ kids, especially those in elementary or middle school, it can also bring the fear of being misunderstood or misgendered or excluded. This episode is for the parents, caregivers, educators, and allies who want to make that transition safer, easier, more affirming, and a whole lot more human. We are going to discuss age-specific tips to support LGBTQ+ kids as they return to school, including classroom advocacy, and social safety. I'm going to share conversation starters and strategies for communicating with teachers and school staff, as well as tools to help your child feel seen, supported, and emotionally prepared from the start. So let's get into it. As we all know, elementary and middle school are formative years. Identity is beginning to take shape. Peer influence is growing and kids are learning what it means to belong or not belong. For LGBTQ+ children, school may feel like a minefield of gendered language, heteronormative assumptions, and invisibility of feeling like They just don't know where they fit. They may feel nervous about being called the wrong name or the wrong pronoun, or afraid to ask to use the bathroom that aligns with their gender identity. They may be the one who watches others get included in activities or groups that they feel unwelcome in, or They may be the kid who doesn't yet have the language to name their identity but feels different and worries what others might think. This can be even more intense in middle school where peer acceptance becomes everything and bullying, both overt and subtle, can really escalate. According to Goulson's 2023 National School Climate Survey, they found that 82% of LGBTQ+ students heard negative remarks about gender expression from peers, and nearly 60% reported feeling unsafe at school because of their identity. So even if your child hasn't come out yet or is still exploring, creating a home and school environment that affirms their potential identity, gives them safety and space to become themselves. So what can you do when it comes to communicating with teachers and staff? Well, as a caregiver or parent, you have a powerful role in shaping your child's school experience, not by hovering or by micromanaging, but by building trust with teachers and staff and by advocating early. You can consider sending a short email or letter at the beginning of the school year to your child's teachers. You can say something like, "Hi, I'm Heather Hester Hester. I'm the parent of Connor." in your 5th grade class. I wanted to share a few things that might help create a safe, supportive environment for them this year. Connor uses they/them pronouns and really thrives when they feel seen and included. We'd love to partner with you in making this year feel safe, fun, and affirming. Please let me know if you'd like to talk more, if you have any questions. We are always open. You can tailor this for children who are gender nonconforming, exploring identity, or simply navigating peer relationships in a world that may not yet understand them. During back-to-school nights or conferences, you can ask things like, how do you handle name or pronoun use in the classroom? Are students allowed to use the bathroom they feel comfortable in? How do you create inclusive classroom discussions? And do you have books that represent LGBTQ+ characters or families? Even just asking these questions creates ripples. It invites educators to reflect, seek resources, and just do better. If you live in a state or an area that has really restricted what teachers and staff are able to say or do, there are still ways to advocate for your child. First, dive into the resources that GLSEN, G-L-S-E-N, I will leave you the link in the show notes. This network, they are working to create safe and inclusive schools for all K-12 LGBTQ+ students. They, along with other advocacy groups like HRC and the ACLU, are doing powerful policy work. And second, if you feel comfortable, if it is safe, connect with your child's teacher. And/or the staff at their school privately. Listen to and follow your gut, your intuition. You will know who the safe people are at your child's school. And if you need more ideas, feel free to reach out. I'd love to just be able to say, know your rights and your child's rights. However, with Title IX in flux because of ongoing legal challenges and revisions, the waters are definitely muddied. While the Biden administration expanded Title IX to include expanded definitions of sex discrimination to include sexual orientation and gender identity, in 2024, a federal court vacated this expansion. Meaning they got rid of it. And Trump and his Department of Education have announced orders to revert to the 2020 regulation, which were all based on biological sex. If that seems confusing, you're not alone in feeling that way. That is part of their plan. Keeping it confusing, lots of gray area, very chaotic. And above all, cruel. The Welcoming Schools resource by Human Rights Campaign does a nice job of cutting through and clarifying some of this confusion. It is a great tool for educators and administrators, and I am linking that as well in the show notes so you can share it with your children's schools. Even the most loving adult can't prevent every microaggression or misunderstanding, but what you can do is equip your child with emotional tools and the language to navigate the school day with confidence. You can do simple things like different role plays, practice simple responses to questions like, "Why do you dress like that?" or Are you a boy or a girl? You can do different things that will boost their confidence. Starting the day with different mantras that really resonate with them. Things like, I am brave. I am kind. I am enough. Let them take a small pride pin or a bracelet that they love. Even one small item can be a tether to safety. And after school, ask open questions like, "What made you feel proud today?" or "Was there anything that felt hard or weird?" For middle school kids, you can create a safe exit plan. If something feels unsafe or overwhelming, What can they do or who can they talk to? Who can they go to? Normalize boundary setting with them. Teach them that it's okay to say, "That's personal," or "I don't want to talk about that." Support their friendships. Encourage them to find peers who make them feel good and back off from ones that don't. Reassure them that identity is a journey and there's no right timeline to know everything about themselves. For you as the parent or ally, practice your flexible thinking skills and your non-attachment thinking. Somewhere along our journey from childhood to adulthood, we lost our innate knowing that all things, humans included, exist on a spectrum. And we were pulled toward labels and checked boxes, right? I want you to close your eyes right now and see if you can reconnect with your childhood open heart and open mind and let go of those labels and boxes. Practice this a little bit every single day. Your child and your relationship with them will absolutely flourish because of it. Now it is time for our listener query segment. Please know that this is your official invitation to reach out with any question, any LGBTQ+ question that you may have. Today's question is a more of a myth. Than a question. And the myth is homosexuality is abnormal. The reality is homosexuality is not abnormal. It is a natural variation of human sexuality. Just like heterosexuality, homosexuality has existed across cultures throughout time and historical periods. And even in other species. In fact, same-sex behavior has been observed in over 1,500 animal species, showing that this is a natural part of the spectrum of sexual expression. For centuries, homosexuality was viewed through a negative lens, often tied to religious or cultural taboos. However, modern science and psychology affirm that homosexuality is a normal and healthy expression of human sexuality. It is not a mental disorder or a condition that needs to be fixed. The American Psychological Association and other leading medical organizations have long stated that being gay, lesbian, or bisexual is simply a natural part of human diversity. The idea that homosexuality is abnormal is based on social and cultural biases, not scientific fact. As our understanding of human sexuality evolves, we are recognizing that all forms of love and attraction are valid and should be accepted. The truth is, there is no one quote-unquote normal when it comes to love. Humans experience attraction in many different ways, and this diversity should be celebrated, not stigmatized. So today we discussed what LGBTQ+ elementary and middle schoolers face emotionally and socially. We talked about how to advocate for your child and partner with teachers, and we discussed tools for building resilience confidence, and connection at home. School should be a place where every child feels safe to learn and to grow and to be fully themselves. When we advocate with intention and kindness, we build that space. The most powerful thing you can do this school year is to let your child know, again, again, that they are not alone and that they are worthy of love and respect and happiness, just as you are. Thank you for joining me today. Your presence in these conversations helps shape a better world. New episodes come out every Tuesday and Friday, so hit follow or subscribe so you never miss one. I am in the process of creating the Parenting with Pride companion journal, and I would love to hear from you. Your valuable insights and your feedback will shape the journal's design and content and create a meaningful resource for parents and allies. As a thank you, all survey participants will be entered into a raffle for a chance to win a $50 Amazon gift card. This optional survey is linked in the show notes. If you know another parent or educator preparing for back to school, share this episode. It could be just the support they need. And if you are curious about how you can become a better ally, take my Ally Quiz to find your ally superpower. Until the next time, remember, you are not alone.