When Your Kid's Identity Shifts: How to Love Before You Understand

If you listened to Tuesday's episode, you know, we talked about labels, about fluidity, about what happens when our kid's identity doesn't sit still and what happens in us when it doesn't. And if something in that episode landed somewhere quiet in you, if you caught yourself thinking about a label you've been holding onto for your kid, or maybe even for yourself. If you felt that discomfort that comes when we don't know the answer, when we're in a growth moment, you're not alone. This isn't about getting it all figured out by next Friday. It's about one small shift.

Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast for parents of LGBTQ+ kids and anyone trying to stay human in a world that keeps hardening. I'm Heather Hester, and here we talk about fear, belonging, boundaries, courage, love, and what it means to protect what matters without losing yourself in the process. Your child doesn't just need a parent who's informed, they need a parent who is grounded and strong. Let's take a breath and let's begin.

Welcome to More Human, More Kind.

I'm Heather Hester.

Most of us were raised to believe that knowing is safer than not knowing. That if you can name something, you can manage it, predict it, plan around it. So when our kids' identity moves, when the word that they used last year isn't the word that they're using now. It doesn't just feel like information. It can feel like the ground shifting. And here's what I keep coming back to: the ground was never as fixed as we thought it was. Not for them, and not for us either. Maybe the goal isn't to find solid ground again. Maybe it's to get a little more comfortable standing on something that moves. So this is your Friday reset, your butterfly effect, one small shift that can create a meaningful change. This week's word is yet. Not, they don't know who they are. Not, they haven't figured it out. Not, we're still waiting for an answer. Yet, as in 'Not yet,' as in this chapter isn't closed. It's just not written all the way. So this week, when you feel that pull to land somewhere, to get in that final word, try adding 'yet' to the end of the sentence in your head, and then just let the sentence just sit there unfinished. On purpose. Your tiny action this week is small, but it is a muscle. The next time your kid, or actually anyone, describes themself in a way you weren't expecting, try responding with just, "Okay, tell me more if you want." No follow-up question that needs an answer right now. No, Okay, so does that mean just okay? And the door staying open. Notice what that feels like in your body. Notice if it's harder or easier than you expected. Your micro rebellion is this: I will not need the label before I can love the person. So much of what we carry is the belief that understanding has to come first, that we have to get the category right before we can fully show up. But love doesn't actually require a category. It just requires showing up. So this week, if you catch yourself needing to get it before you can respond, try responding anyway. Let understanding catch up later because I promise it will. And here's one line I want you to carry with you. I don't need to define you to love you. I don't need to define you to love you. Say it to your kid, or just say it to yourself in the car when the not knowing feels like just too much. It's not a finish line. It's just true right now and maybe yet. If this week has felt like a lot of not knowing, I want you to hear this. It's okay.

You're not failing.

You're likely in that sticky, uncomfortable place of growing. The fact that you're even asking the questions, that's not confusion. That's love doing the work it's supposed to do. So be gentle with yourself this week. Let the labels rest. Let the yet do some of the heavy lifting. And if you want to share your butterfly effect this week, I'd love to hear it. Just email me one sentence that says, this week I'm choosing— You don't have to hold all of this alone. Thank you for being here, for doing this work, and for choosing to stay open, even when it's hard. New episodes drop every Tuesday and Friday. Click the link in the show notes to join me on Substack for deeper, more human discussions, just like this one. And if this episode supported you, share it with someone who might need it too. Until next time, keep choosing to be a little more human and a little more kind.

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