When You're Still Secretly Hoping It's a Phase: What That Quiet Hesitation Is Doing to Your Relationship

In today's episode, you will finally understand why you may quietly hope that what your child just told you might still be a phase. Welcome to More Human, More Kind. I'm Heather Hester, author, speaker, and advocate for LGBTQ+ youth and the families who love them. This show is for the parent who's holding it together on the outside while inside your nervous system is bracing for impact. Here, we tell the truth gently. We unlearn what fear has taught us, and we build the kind of internal safety that lets you lead with love instead of panic. You're not broken. You're human. Let's dive in. This episode is for the parent who truly loves their child, You are trying, reading, showing up, you're saying supportive words out loud. You aren't yelling at your child about who they are telling you they are. You aren't rejecting them by kicking them out of your home or cutting them out of your life. But inside, there's still a sentence that's running quietly in the background that sounds something like, Oh, honey, you're still figuring it out. Let's not make any permanent changes yet. I just don't want you to rush this. Or let's just see where this goes. And while you probably haven't said any of those directly to your child, your behavior reflects the statements. And if you're honest, you haven't fully grounded in, you haven't affirmed who they are telling you they are either. You've left a small door open just in case. And that quiet just in case is shaping your parenting more than you realize. You haven't updated their school or medical records. You haven't been correcting family for using incorrect identity or orientation statements. You still use your child's old name in certain rooms. You've told teachers, "Don't worry about changing anything yet. We're taking it slow." You discourage serious dating because you feel your child is too young to know who they are attracted to, which, of course, leaks into avoiding talking about their future partner. You introduce them differently depending on the audience. You say you're supportive, but your actions say this is temporary. Perhaps you say you're just being cautious, but let's slow that down for just a moment and look at what that actually looks like. So let's picture this. You've opened the school portal and hovered over the name field, the cursor blinking. As you start to press delete, you think, wait, what if this changes next semester? What if I have to undo this? What if this makes everything more complicated? And without allowing another thought you quickly snapped your laptop closed. You tell yourself, "It's okay, I'm just buying time. They may not actually be transgender." However, what you're really doing is protecting yourself from committing to something that feels permanent. Now imagine that you are in a room with extended family and your brother-in-law uses your child's old name. Their deadname. You feel the gut punch, but you hesitate. A split second that feels like an eternity. It feels like all eyes are on you and you decide not to correct them because, well, we're still figuring things out. And your child hears that. Not the words, the heavy pause. And they clock that. They consciously register that in certain rooms, who they are is adjustable. Who they are depends on the audience. And that subtle adjustment tells them, "I am not fully seen or affirmed here yet." Finally, let's bring to mind a time that your child brought up dating. Maybe they mentioned someone they like. Even a pop star or influencer or celebrity that they think is cute. And in that moment, something in you tightened or twinged in discomfort, and you responded with, "You're too young to talk about dating or crushes," or "Let's not rush into anything. You don't need to decide this right now," or "Do you really need labels right now?" You tell yourself that you're just slowing things down, you're protecting them. But what they hear is, "Don't go too far with this when it could just be a phase," or "I don't believe you know who you are." So they begin to shrink. They soften edges and omit parts of stories that are important. They stop sharing the excitement of their self-discovery, all because they're not sure you are ready for it to be real. And here's the part of that that's even harder to admit. You think you're waiting for some sign of certainty, but what you're really waiting for is relief. Relief that who your child is won't require you to adjust your expectations. Relief that you won't have to publicly explain that your child is transgender or nonbinary or gay or queer. Relief that you won't have to reimagine milestones, both yours and theirs. Relief that your child's identity or orientation journey might just be a blip and you can move forward as if nothing ever happened. But while you're waiting for release, your child is waiting for commitment. They're waiting for steadiness and acknowledgement from you that says, "I see and affirm you for exactly who you are." Psychologically, this creates instability in your relationship with your child because conditional acceptance is not safety, and the body knows the difference. And this creates a subtle but very powerful shift. At some point, you begin to notice something subtle changing between you and your child. Not a big blowup. Not a dramatic confrontation, something quieter. They stop asking you to correct other people. They stop asking your opinion about things that matter to them. They stop pushing for you to update language or paperwork or forms. And at first you might even feel relieved about this, like, Maybe the tension is easing a little bit, but over time, something else begins to settle in. Conversations feel shorter, perhaps even more surface level. You start realizing you're hearing about important parts of their life after the fact, not while they're happening. You may not even be able to name exactly when it shifted, but you can feel it. There's a distance where there didn't used to be one. And that's when the deeper fear starts to creep in. You start wondering, why don't they talk to me the way they used to? Why does it feel like they're holding something back? Why does there seem to be a growing gulf between us. And the hardest part of this is that if this pattern continues, your child won't eventually explode. They won't necessarily argue or fight or push harder to be understood. They'll just quietly stop trying to convince you. They'll stop bringing you along and including you in their lives. Not because they don't love you, but because they don't feel seen, heard, or connected in their relationship with you anymore. And while that shift is almost invisible at first, it is significant because once they stop trying to convince you or include you in their life, they start building certainty somewhere else. They begin sharing the deeper parts of their life with people who don't question their reality. And from your side of the relationship, what you feel is distance. Confusing, heartbreaking distance. The kind that leaves you asking yourself, "How did we get here?" Distance grows when someone feels judged or questioned instead of embraced. And when your child feels like they're still being questioned by you, not believed by you, they stop relaxing around you. They stop offering the deeper parts of themselves. They stop including you. Again, not because they've stopped loving you, but because they've stopped feeling certain that you truly see them. And that uncertainty begins to reshape the relationship. Conversations become careful, connection becomes surface level, and the trust that once felt natural suddenly feels very fragile. And when trust starts to feel fragile between a parent and a child, something deeper is going on. If you're honest, Part of you can feel this shift happening, even if you haven't fully understood why. So let's name what's really going on, the root issue. It's not doubt. It's not confusion. And it's not even the thought that this might be a phase. Parents have thoughts like that all the time when something unexpected happens. The real issue is what happens after that thought. The real issue is that you're protecting yourself from permanence. You're protecting yourself from having to fully adjust, from grieving expectations you may have held for years, from reimagining milestones, from explaining that your child is transgender, non-binary, gay, or queer to extended family. From accepting that the future you pictured for your child may look different than the one that you had in your head. So instead of confronting all of that, you leave the door open. You stay in maybe. Maybe this will pass. Maybe this will evolve. Maybe we don't have to deal with this fully yet. Your space says something before you ever do. Whether it's an office, retail space, commercial property, or national rebranding work, the quality of your environment reflects your brand. At Hester Commercial Painting, we deliver professional, high-quality results with minimal disruption to your business. On time, on budget, done right. Hester Commercial Painting. Craftsmanship at work. To schedule a consultation, go to go.heatherdecorating.com/mhmk. That's go.heatherdecorating.com/mhmk. But your child feels that maybe, and to them, maybe feels like instability, and instability is the opposite of safety. And when a child senses that the person they need most is still unsure about who they are, they don't push harder for acceptance. They protect themselves. Let me say that in a different way that might be more clear. Unresolved hesitation creates inconsistency. Inconsistency erodes trust. And without trust, connection becomes surface level, even when love is still there. Once a child begins to feel that their identity and your belief in them live in that place of limbo or uncertainty, reversing that dynamic takes time, sometimes a long time. So the real question becomes this. Are you willing to let hesitation quietly define your relationship with your child? Shifting this dynamic isn't about saying the perfect sentence or reading one more article. It requires doing the deeper work, the work of confronting the hesitation, the work of unpacking the fear underneath it. And learning how to show up steady, clear, and grounded for your child. That's the work that I do. I don't shame hesitation or your need to pause and process, but together we confront what that hesitation is actually doing to your mental health, to your confidence as a parent, and to the relationship you want to have with your child. We unpack the fear of permanence or commitment. We process the grief underneath it. We build steadiness so your child feels grounded and solid in their relationship with you. Not judged. The goal isn't forced certainty. It's grounded steadiness. So your child doesn't feel questioned. They feel seen. Understood, and affirmed. When a child knows that the person they need most is fully in their corner, something powerful happens. They relax. They open up. They bring you the parts of their life that matter most. And that kind of relationship doesn't happen by accident. It happens when a parent chooses to face the hard parts instead of quietly avoiding them. If this episode felt specific in a way that made you uncomfortable, that is your signal. You are not defined by a thought, but you will be shaped by the kind of connection you choose to build from here. Book the call. The link is in the show notes. Choose intentionally. Until next time.