Why "I Treat Everyone the Same" Makes LGBTQ People Feel Invisible and What to Say Instead

In today's episode, you will discover why saying, "I treat everyone the same," actually makes you sound like a bad ally. Welcome to More Human, More Kind. I'm Heather Hester, author, speaker, and advocate for LGBTQ+ youth and the people who love them. This is the podcast for the parent who looks fine on the outside, but is carrying a quiet panic on the inside. Here, we name what's real without shame, so you you can become the kind of grounded, brave, loving person your child can actually feel. You're not alone. You don't have to do this perfectly. Let's get into it. Welcome to More Human, More Kind. I'm Heather Hester. This is the space where we transform hard conversations into human ones. Especially when it comes to our LGBTQ teens, loved ones, students, and communities. If you're listening today because you care but aren't always sure what to say or how to say it, you're in the right place. So have you ever said, "I treat everyone the same," because you genuinely meant I'm a safe person, but the other person got quieter or pulled back, or you just felt their energy shift and you didn't know why. Today we're talking about this very common ally phrase that sounds kind, but often lands as erasure. And not only will I show you how to fix it, I'll also explain why it comes across that way. Most people who say, "I treat everyone the same," are not trying to be dismissive. They're trying to signal, "I'm not judging you," or "You're safe with me," or "I love you no matter what." The intention is good, but the impact can be the absolute opposite. And here is this ally trap. When someone says, I treat everyone the same, an LGBTQ person often hears, I'm not going to acknowledge what you go through, or I don't want to talk about this part of you, or your identity is inconvenient to me. And this goes for any marginalized person. Even if you don't mean any of that, that's what it can sound like for someone who has had to fight to be seen. So why does this happen? Well, here's the simple explanation. There is a difference between equality and equity. Equality means everyone gets the same thing. Equity means people get what they need to be safe, supported, and able to thrive. Equality sounds fair, but it assumes everyone starts in the same place and faces the same barriers. And we know that that's just not true. When I treat everyone the same goes unexamined, here's what happens. Internally, for you as an ally or parent, you get confused or defensive because you're thinking, I'm being kind. Perhaps you then hesitate more next time before saying something, or you even stay quiet because you're afraid of messing up. Externally, for the LGBTQ person, they share less. They stop bringing you the real stuff. They stop trusting that you can handle their truth, and they learn that they have to carry this alone. And one of the biggest heartbreaks is this: a teen can be silently suffering And the adults around them think they're being supportive by offering phrases such as this one. But all the while, the teen feels unseen, unheard, and misunderstood. Imagine your child comes to you and says something vulnerable about their identity or about what they're hearing at school or about a policy or being afraid. And your response is, "I treat everyone the same." On the surface, that sounds like love. There may even be a piece of you who feels more evolved or more accepting by saying that. But in the moment, to your child, it can feel like you're saying, "I don't want to go there," or "This is really uncomfortable, and this neat statement covers that feeling up for me." What your child needed in that moment wasn't neutrality though. They needed safety and they needed to be seen, mess and all. So let's break down the 3 misconceptions that keep people stuck in this. The first one is, if I don't point out differences, I'm being respectful. No, respect is not pretending differences don't exist. Respect is acknowledging them without judgment. I just have to say that again. Respect is not pretending differences don't exist. Respect is acknowledging them without judgment. The second mistake or misconception is Talking about identity makes it awkward. Nope. Avoidance makes it awkward. Naming reality with kindness, acknowledging it, makes it safer. And the third mistake or misconception is, if I treat everyone the same, I'm fair. And again, no. Fair doesn't always mean same. Fair means people have what they need, whether that is to be successful, to be seen, to be understood, to thrive. So here's the reframe. Switch out the word same for seen and supported. That's the goal. And you can do that without feeling political or preachy, if that's what you're worried about. Here are a few more simple things you can say that communicate support. Instead of this phrase, "I treat everyone the same," try, "I care about you and I want to understand what you're experiencing," or, "I may not get it perfectly, but I'm here and I'm willing to learn." The third one you can try is, "You don't have to carry this alone." The fourth one is, "Tell me what support would actually feel helpful right now." And finally, the fifth one is, "I believe you, and it matters to me that you feel safe, seen, and understood." The most important thing these phrases do is they don't deny difference. They honor who the person is. Inviting someone into your home to paint is a big deal. You want people you can trust, people who show up on time, respect your space, and do the job right the first time. That's exactly what we do at Heather Hester Painting and Decorating. With over 58 years of experience and a commitment to true craftsmanship, we treat your home like it's our own, creating masterpieces one wall at a time. To schedule a consultation, go to go.heatherdecorating.com/mhmk. That's go.heatherdecorating.com/mhmk. If you've ever frozen in a conversation and thought, I don't know what to say, I've created something to help. It's a simple 60-second response structure you can use in real moments, just like these. The simple way to explain it is it's 3 steps in these 60 seconds. The first step is to validate. Name what matters. The second is to invite, open a door, be curious, don't interrogate. And the third is support, offer support, one next step. I'm not gonna teach this in detail right now because I made it into a printable tool for you that you can keep in your phone or on your fridge or wherever you, you keep things like this that are helpful. When you upgrade this one phrase, you get a completely different relationship dynamic. Your kid shares more with you because they feel emotionally safe. You feel more confident because you're not guessing about what you should say, and you become a real ally, not just in sentiment, but in impact. And this is how trust gets built. So if you are thinking, oh my gosh, I've used that phrase, I treat everyone the same, dozens of times, because you truly thought you were being supportive and you really want to be a safe person your LGBTQ loved one can trust. That's why I created the 60-Second Ally Response Kit. It's a simple script and example guide to help you respond in a way that actually lands as support without the awkwardness, defensiveness, or saying the wrong thing. If you're interested, go to the show notes, click on the very first link at the top, or visit rebrand.ly/heatherhester60. Enter your details on that page and I'll send you The 60-Second Ally Response Kit right away. Today we uncovered why the phrase "I treat everyone the same," even with the best intentions, can land as "I don't see you." And we've replaced it with language that communicates what LGBTQ people need most: safety, visibility, and real support. If this episode helped you, please follow and subscribe to More Human and More Kind so you don't miss what's coming next. And if you know a parent, teacher, coach, loved one who's trying but who is unsure what to say, share this episode with them. Until next time, keep it human, keep it kind, and keep showing up.