Why Your Fix-It Instinct Is Costing You Connection With Your LGBTQ Child and What to Do Instead

In today's episode, you'll discover why being a fixer in every conversation is costing you connection with the people you love the most and what to do about it. Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what Matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester. Let's get started. Most of us listen to respond. But what if listening itself, without fixing, without rushing, was the most powerful act of love we could offer? By the end of this reflection, you'll understand why fixing often disconnects us even when our intentions are good. You'll learn 3 mindful steps to shift from fixing to genuine listening, and you'll discover a grounding practice to help you stay present, even in tense conversations this holiday season. And stick around until the end for the Unlearned segment, where we will reframe listening as love in action. Welcome to More Human, More Kind. I'm Heather Hester. This time of year, especially this year, conversations can feel more urgent, more strained, just more. So today we're practicing the quiet skill that holds every relationship together: listening without trying to fix. And I know that's a big one and so much harder to actually do. Sometimes though, the most loving thing you can say is nothing at all. Just, "I'm here." Many of us think that listening means waiting for our turn to talk or taking that time when another person is speaking to prepare our response. Or perhaps even waiting for the opening to correct, to fix what we think is wrong, or to jump to the word that lets us pivot to our own agenda. But here is the truth of all of that: fixing is often fear in disguise. Maybe it's the fear of seeing someone in pain and not being able to make it stop. Or it could be the fear of powerlessness, which is one of the most uncomfortable emotions we can feel. When we rush to fix or correct, we remove the other person's dignity, the sacred space of being seen and heard as they are. And that although we don't realize it, doing that removes our own humanity too, because being present with fear or pain makes us feel very vulnerable. So why this topic today? And what does this have to do with everything we've been talking about this month? Repairing our relationship with love, being more human and more kind, believing our kids when they tell us who they are. Well, everything. It has everything to do with all of that. Each one of these topics requires the same skill: acknowledging and allowing what is true, even when it's hard. Listening without fixing is how love breathes. It's how kindness becomes action. According to listening expert Dr. Julian Treasure, the average person retains only 25% of what they hear because our brains are constantly scanning for how to respond. True listening requires being present. When we listen with the intent to fix, We communicate, "You can't handle this." But when we listen with the intent to understand, we communicate, "I trust your wisdom." And in families, especially for parents of LGBTQ+ youth, that trust is everything. Research from the Family Acceptance Project shows that affirming parental behaviors including simple listening and validation, directly correlate with higher self-esteem and lower depression rates. In other words, you don't need to have the right words. You just need to keep your ears and your heart open. People don't usually need solutions. They need to feel seen and heard. The holidays are when we often have more conversations with people outside of our everyday circles. And while you've probably heard someone praised as a great conversationalist, how often do you hear someone praised for being a great listener? Maybe this is our opportunity to make deep listening our new love language. So how do we listen without an agenda? Before we get to the actual steps, start with your body. When we're anxious or defensive, it shows up physically first. So before you even speak, pause, face the person, uncross your arms, soften your jaw, let your body say, "I'm open." And then try the LISTEN formula, a practice you can return to anytime from a really difficult conversation with your teen to a charged family dinner. L is for leave space. Take one breath before you respond. Let silence do some of the work. That pause signals, "I'm not rushing to react." Silence can feel awkward, but it's where insight begins. I is for inquire gently. If it's a deeper conversation, ask, "Do you want advice, feedback, or just a listening ear?" This one question can transform your relationship. It shifts you from fixer to ally. S is for stay curious. Repeat back what you've heard, not just what you assumed. Saying something like, "It sounds like you're feeling disappointed," or Tell me more about what that means to you. Curiosity is how love slows down long enough to understand. T is for trusting the silence. Not every gap needs filling. Sometimes that quiet space between sentences is where healing begins. As Brené Brown says, Silence is not the absence of connection. It's the presence of respect. E is for empathize, not evaluate. Say things like, "That sounds really hard," or "I can see why you'd feel that way." Empathy says, "I'm with you." Not, I'll fix you. N is for normalize not knowing. It's okay to admit, I don't have the answer, but I'm here. This is especially powerful for parents because it models humility. Kids don't need perfect parents. They need honest ones. When we listen like this, we create psychological safety, which is the foundation for every meaningful conversation or connection. Dr. Amy Edmondson at Harvard calls psychological safety the single greatest predictor of trust and innovation in any group, families included. When people feel safe, they stop performing. They start sharing, and that's where transformation and connection happens. So here are 3 mindful steps that will get you from fixing to listening. First, name what is rising. When you feel the urge to jump in, silently name that impulse, the impulse to fix. Naming interrupts reactivity and brings you back to awareness. The second step is ground through your senses. What does that mean? It means feel your feet on the floor. Notice one sound in the room. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Regulate before you respond. Being calm is contagious. And the third step is to anchor in curiosity. Instead of, how do I respond? Ask yourself, what might they need to feel seen right now? This single shift turns conversation into connection. Here's a simple practice to use at the dinner table or any gathering where tension bubbles up. So pay attention because we're going into the holidays and this will come in handy. First of all, feel your feet. Second, breathe into your belly. Just a deep, deep grounding inhale and exhale. With each exhale, silently repeat, I choose peace over perfection, or choose your own mantra, your own saying that you want to put in there, something that will really help ground you and stay connected to yourself. Now, before speaking, place one hand lightly over your heart or rest it on the table. This physical cue tells your nervous system, I'm safe. It also subtly signals to others that you're grounded, a quiet ripple of calm that can change the entire room. This works because grounding activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which lowers cortisol and your heart rate. It's not just emotional, it's biological. Have you ever been in a conversation with a friend where they poured their heart out or shared a really difficult situation? And every fiber of your being just wanted to fix, just wanted to jump in there and tell them the 5 ways that you know it can be fixed. Were you able to stay quiet, to be present with them, to validate without offering solutions? If you were, as hard as that can be, that is growth. Sometimes unspoken connection is exactly what is needed. Today's Unlearn is about releasing the need to fix as proof of love. We've been told if you love someone, you'll help them solve it, whatever it may be. But real love isn't rescue. It's respect. What if the goal isn't to fix, but just to witness? To be there without taking any control? To let empathy, not expertise, lead? This week, in one conversation, no matter how big or small, practice pausing before you speak. Let that extra heartbeat of silence become your act of love. When we unlearn the reflex to fix, we rediscover the art of connection where love listens first and heals through being present. Thank you for pausing with me today and for remembering that listening is an act of love, not a waiting room for response. As you move through the holidays, let this be your quiet practice. Slower conversations, softer hearts, longer breaths. You might be amazed at how much peace that creates. If this reflection grounded you, share it with someone who could use a gentle reminder that love doesn't always need words. New episodes of More Human, More Kind drop every Tuesday and Friday, so be sure to follow and subscribe so you never missed one. And if you're ready to release fear, shame, or outdated patterns in your own life, I'm accepting a few private clients right now. You can learn more at morehumanmorekind.com. Until next time, breathe, listen, and keep being more human, more kind.