Why Your LGBTQ Child's Costume Choice Is About More Than Halloween and How to Respond With Curiosity

Costumes are never just costume. They're clues, tiny acts of courage, creativity, and sometimes identity. Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester. Let's get started. In today's episode, you will discover why dress-up is central to queer joy and identity exploration. You'll understand the fears parents feel when kids choose costumes, and you'll learn practical ways to create safety and permission without shutting kids down. And stick around for today's unlearn, where I will dismantle the myth that costumes are just play and don't carry deeper meaning. Welcome back to More Human, More Kind. I'm Heather Hester. Today we are talking about costumes, dress-up, and identity, the heart of Halloween fun, and also a mirror for how we see ourselves and others. If you're a parent, an ally, or an educator, you care about raising creative, authentic kids. But there can be that moment of tension when your child picks something unexpected, where you feel nervous or uncertain or even afraid of what others might think. In this episode, you'll learn why costumes have always been a space for exploration, especially for queer joy and identity. How to recognize your own fears without passing them down, and how giving permission instead of shutting down builds connection and trust. Because when we treat dress-up as something deeper than just play, we give our kids what they need most: the freedom to explore who they are. When your child asks to be a witch or a princess, or maybe even a gender-bending superhero, you might think, It's just Halloween. But is it? Dress-up equals identity rehearsal. Research by psychologist Sandra Russ shows that imaginative play gives kids a safe space to explore different roles, different emotions, and different possibilities. When kids pretend, they're not just playing. They're rehearsing real-life problem-solving, empathy, and identity in a low-stakes way. Through imagination, they learn who they are and who they might want to become. Queer kids often use costumes as their first experiments in gender or expression. Costumes equal possibility. And that equals trying something on that you can't always express daily in a vacuum that is safe, that draws fewer questions. So why is this an issue or something that I felt was worth exploring the nuances of? First, it is important to acknowledge all of the feelings you may have around this topic. Or may just be realizing have been hiding in the back of your mind. Let's name them before we look at the why. These feelings can be anything from, are you feeling nervous, scared, worried, confused, or happy, grateful, amazed, or anything in between? As parents, we may feel nervous because costumes can reveal truths about our child's identity. We may feel scared or worried that our child will be bullied because of the costume they pick or how that costume is interpreted by our child's peers. And we may feel confused because we don't understand why our child is choosing this particular costume. Or we may feel embarrassed because this costume is quote unquote different or not normal. Let's also acknowledge that our feelings can exist all along a huge spectrum, and we may also be feeling happiness and gratitude that our child has this moment of freedom to express themselves, and we can just sit in awe and amazement at their creativity or imagination or bravery or curiosity. Or whatever traits they exhibit that feel resilient, grounded, and authentic in this moment. Remember, we need to name and own our feelings before we can understand, tame, and potentially let them go. Second, I want to take a moment to acknowledge and validate that for parents and allies of LGBTQ or neurodivergent or and frankly any child who is othered, costumes make identity public in a way that may feel risky. It's holding that costumes are expected and accepted this time of year, and that judgment exists around what costumes are expected and accepted. It's that sneaky holding the tension of the opposites again. But here is where the rubber hits the road with all of this. Restriction teaches shame. Permission builds resilience. So how can we apply this? How can we stretch the edges of our comfort zone? How can we acknowledge that at least some of the fears are based on our stuff and don't belong to our kids? And how can we allow our kids the space to express and explore? Let's put this all to the test. Think about the costume your child has chosen. What was your first reaction to it? Did you respond with fear, as in, "What will people think?" Or rejection, as in, "Absolutely not." Pause right now and think about the ways you could go back and approach with curiosity, saying things like, "Tell me why you chose this costume," or even with vulnerability, like, "My first reaction was because of my own fears. I want you to be able to express yourself. Can you tell me more about why you want to dress up in this costume?" If the costume itself challenges norms, brainstorm safety together while affirming their choice. Normalize exploration. Emphasize that trying something for one night doesn't lock in identity. It's practice. It's a normal part of adolescent development. Having the freedom to literally and figuratively try on their curiosities will ultimately strengthen your child's confidence and connectedness to their true self. Let's take a moment and look at dress-up through your child's eyes, especially if they are LGBTQ+ or othered in some way. Dress-up has always been central to queer joy and identity exploration. It's more than costumes or fashion. It's freedom. It's the chance to imagine, to try on, to express without any limits. For so many queer people, playing with clothes and style is how they first glimpse who they really are. It's experimentation wrapped in courage, a way to say, "What if this version of me feels more like home?" It's also deeply healing. For generations, queer folks were told what they could and couldn't wear, how they could and couldn't exist. So every bold outfit, every painted nail, every flash of glitter becomes an act of reclamation. It's a way of saying, "I get to define myself now." And maybe most beautifully, it's joy as resistance. In a world that still tries to box people in, dressing up in full color and confidence is a declaration: I exist. I am worthy. I am free. That joy, that playfulness, that complete audacity to be fully seen is one of the most powerful forms of liberation there is. I cannot underscore enough the importance of understanding this. The Orange Man, his sycophants in leadership positions, and large swaths of his followers are actively trying to push all queer people, all marginalized people back into the shadows to dictate how they can and cannot exist. We as allies cannot let that happen. Understanding this piece of queer joy and why it is so important can help us be better allies by encouraging and protecting the queer community in their expression and their existence. So circling back to creating safety and permission without shutting our kids down, how can we do that in a way that actually works? Well, it starts with curiosity. When your child surprises you, maybe it's something they wear or say or ask. Like I said earlier, try to pause before reacting or responding. Yes, this takes practice, but a simple, "Tell me more about that," can turn what might have been tension into connection. Being curious tells your child, "You're safe to explore and express here." The next piece is mirroring acceptance in small ways. It doesn't always take big speeches. In fact, Rarely are big speeches effective. Sometimes it's using the name they ask you to, complimenting their creativity, or showing up with genuine interest. Those moments build a quiet foundation of trust that says, "I see you, and I'm not afraid of who you are." And finally, separate your own discomfort from their discovery. It's okay to have feelings about what your child is exploring, but that's your work, not theirs. You can always say to them, "I need a moment to think about this, but I love you, and I'm really glad you told me." That balance of honesty and reassurance keeps the door open and the connection strong. Here's what I know. Our kids don't just want costumes. They want permission to explore, to be curious, to be seen. Halloween offers a rare chance to say yes. I want you to think for just a moment about the messages that you got about dress-up when you were growing up. Think about how you react when your child wants something outside of your comfort zone. And think about what would happen if you saw costumes as opportunities instead of threats. Kindness here is permission. Sometimes the kindest act is letting your child play, experiment, and shine even when it scares you. When we start showing up this way, Curious, grounded, open, we not only help our kids feel safe, we continue the work of unlearning the old patterns that kept us small. And that's what brings me to today's Unlearn. Today's Unlearn is about the myth that costumes are just play. We were told costumes are harmless fun, nothing more. But for queer kids, they're often the first safe steps in authenticity. What if we treated costumes not as trivial, but as important experiments in identity worthy of our curiosity, not our dismissal? This week, if your child chooses a costume that surprises you, say, "Tell me what you like about this." and listen. Don't correct. When we unlearn dismissal, we reimagine play as permission, and we act our way into a kinder, more brave world. Today we explored why costumes matter and how they give kids room to imagine, to express, and to experiment with identity. You now know how your response can either build trust and courage or accidentally plant shame. So the next time your child surprises you, remember, curiosity is connection. Permission is kindness. New episodes come out every Tuesday and Friday, so make sure you follow and subscribe so you never miss an episode. And if you'd like to keep exploring what it means to raise brave, kind kids, And to do your own healing along the way, you can join my weekly reflections at morehumanmorekind.com. That's where this work continues. Thank you for showing up, for doing the work, and for choosing to be more human, more kind. Until next time, take care of yourself and let your kids shine.