Your Child Didn't Come Out Until College. Here's Why That's Actually a Really Good Sign.

Why do so many kids wait until college to come out? The answer is found in freedom, distance, and the safety of chosen community. Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters. Raise brave kids, and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester. Let's get started. Today's episode will help you understand why college is often the moment kids choose to come out. You will discover how to navigate the tricky line between friends and family, and you will learn practical ways to support someone at the very start start of their journey. And at the end, stick around because I will tackle the myth that coming out has to be all or nothing. So coming out, whether it is as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, non-binary, it is not one big announcement. It's a thousand Tiny realizations in whispers, in dorm rooms, at coffee shops. One small risk at a time. Coming out is never one and done. It's a million little moments of courage that most people never ever see. Right now, all across the country, around the world, really, first-year students are moving into their first dorms. I just want to stop for a moment, and I remember how excited I was. That was a long time ago. But even thinking about my kids going off to college and remembering dropping them off, and each one of them has been so very different, but remembering that mix of just nerves and excitement and just the possibility of all of the new things that were about to either happen or they were going to get to see and learn, the new friends, the new classes, the new experiences, all, all the newness. And each time that I have done this, especially the freshman year, which is always so hard, I think, especially for the mom. But I've also taken time to really appreciate how extraordinary that time is for them. And so I really was excited to talk about this topic today because this is something that is— is quite common that kids didn't wanna say anything and they were waiting to go to college, or if they are just learning so much more about themselves when they are in college. And this is when it begins to— they begin to be more vulnerable, step into who they are. So this is a fun topic because a lot of times as parents, understandably, we make it about ourselves. But I think it's really, really important to just think about where they are. And that's why I kind of started with the, you know, how they feel when they're in those first few days, those first few weeks and months of school and all of the different emotions and really leaning into and stepping into how they're feeling. They've never told anybody at home, whether it's a best friend at home, you, a teacher, a trusted adult, anyone. But imagine that perhaps within a month they might feel safe enough to tell their roommate or tell a classmate that they've become very close with or somebody they've met through a club. And then maybe perhaps they tell their new friend group that they've made and perhaps eventually After building some confidence and feeling more comfortable or more at ease, they call home. They call home to tell you. Why are we talking about this? Because college often becomes a proving ground for identity. It is the place where young people test if the world can hold the truth of who they are. Imagine just for a second that relief for them of being fully seen. And this is in no way to say that you did not fully see them, but that being fully seen first starts with them. They have to fully see themselves before they can let others fully see themselves. So this freedom, this opportunity, this new place being in college allows that for them. College is often the first place where young people feel just enough distance and safety to try on, to feel into or lean into that truth of who they are. So a few quick facts or nuts and bolts of coming out to hold on to. Coming out is a process. It's not a single event. And it is very, very personal. If you go back to the very beginning of More Human, More Kind, I talk about coming out in great detail. I talk about the 6 steps in the coming out process, and I'm considering circling back to that again soon. But for the time being, if you are interested in really understanding what this process involves for your child, what your child has been going through, because Spoiler alert, if you had no idea that your child was gay and they came out to you, they're on like step 3 of the process. They've already gone through a lot of this internally before they ever speak it out loud. So I found when I learned about the coming out process, what— right after Connor had come out, it was one of the most helpful first pieces of information that somebody shared with me because it really, really helped me understand where he had been, what his mental process had been, what he was feeling, and helped us figure out the support that he needed a lot more quickly. So to that, safety and support systems are critical. In this coming out, in the coming out process. And just understand that college becomes a natural milestone for this, for many, many reasons. Anything from the distance from family, the distance from people they grew up with, to an exposure to diversity, being able to see themselves in another person or in literature that they've never been exposed to. It's a fresh start. So we're talking about this not because I want you to feel upset or sad or frustrated that your child didn't come out until college, but to understand that this, this distance, this space is actually really, really positive. And it allows for independence. It allows for expanded supportive networks. It's new community. It's a place for your child to be able to grow. And I think it's really important to talk about this because there will be a part of your child who becomes worried that the safety that they're experiencing at college will not translate back at home. So this is where your personal work comes in, where your understanding of their process, where your understanding of your process. And I know this is a place that I went, and so many people that I've worked with go right away, it's completely normal and natural to think, why couldn't they tell me first? What did I do wrong? But why wouldn't they talk to me? And why do they feel afraid? And create a lot of narratives that likely are not true. So I want you to be aware of that, and I want you to let this be an opportunity for really open communication, for curiosity. So instead of, why didn't you tell me? You can shift that around to, what about being at at your new school made you feel so comfortable that you could do this or that you wanted to come out to your new friends. This is so exciting. I am— I have so many questions. I'm so— I am thrilled. Thank you for telling me. And I'm just curious about your process. Can you share more about your process? When you are able to open it up like that in conversation with them, even if on the inside you are still dealing with, why didn't you tell me first? It is gonna really help you through that. Their answers will help you through that, and it's gonna help you learn so much about who your child is growing into. So I think the only other thing that I haven't touched on about why your child might wait until college to come out is really around their developmental readiness or their desire for autonomy. A lot of kids, they're just not ready. They're not there developmentally. So this place of growing from adolescence into young adulthood is really when identity exploration peaks. So in a lot of ways, it just makes sense that this is when they would feel most comfortable to come out. And it's also a time where they're really kind of breaking away, right? This is a natural part of development when they are seeking independence from us. So coming out feels more authentic when it is their decision and their space, and they're not being forced to do something. Please do not take this personally. It is not about you being unworthy at all. It truly is about how safe they feel, how ready they feel, and their need for independence. Remember that them choosing to come out now, as opposed to coming out when they were in high school, it means that they are taking ownership of their truth, which is such a cool thing, right? So if you're wondering the best ways that you can support your child when they are at school, how you can help them on their journey, this beginning, beginning part of their journey, which is so fantastic. The best things that you can do is be open, be listening, let them know that you are always there for them, that you are curious, and that you're ready whenever they want to tell you more, you are there. Encourage them to seek out the LGBTQ+ centers and clubs on campus. And look for, you know, quote unquote, their people. I think across the board, doesn't matter if your child is LGBTQ+ or not, when your child finds their people at college, it is like magic. So encourage them to not give up if they haven't found those that they are really comfortable yet with, they will. And then offer resources to them without pushing. You can do your own research and come up with things and just gently offer. You can say, I found this group that I, I thought looked kind of interesting. That sounded like something that you might like in case you wanna look more into it and give them the information and then let go of it. It's theirs. Behind every coming out is a living, breathing human story, a human being who's weighing safety and love and survival. It's real. This is very real, especially right now. So let's just pause. And as parents and allies, remember that the way that we respond can make the difference between shame and freedom. I have heard dozens of versions of this story and not one of them is the same. For me, this brings up a lot of memories of when Connor came out and when Grace came out. And of course, neither one of those stories were in college. They were still in high school, but it still brings up those, the feelings that I had at the time and the thoughts and the worries and the fears and I bring this up now to you because it's real. Whatever you're feeling is real. Don't shame yourself for where you are. If you are thinking about it, if you're aware of it, if you are listening to this podcast, then you are doing the work. You are doing your best to learn and to support your child. There's no such thing as doing this perfectly. That's exactly why I talk about it. If you've been with me for a while, you know that I have loved doing the listener query segment and talking about all of the questions and the myths that have come up. And about a month or so ago when we were traveling, I was thinking about this segment and I thought, you know, it would be really cool actually if we could add an action to it. So now I have evolved the listener query into something that I'm calling the Unlearn, where each week I will tackle one common myth, bias, or assumption, something that we've been taught to believe and I'll break it down. I will help you reimagine what is possible. And then we'll end up with one tangible action you can take into the week. It will still be grounded in your questions and stories, but it is now part of your weekly allyship practice. So let's get ready to unlearn, reimagine, and act. Today's Unlearn is about one of the most common pressures LGBTQ+ young people feel around coming out. So the myth says coming out has to be one big announcement. You're either all in or all out, meaning all in the closet or completely out of it. And the truth is, coming out is a lifelong practice of choosing when, how, and to whom you reveal yourself. There is no one time, one size fits all. And it is likely it will happen many, many times as you get older, as you move, change jobs, meet new people. So this week, if someone shares part of their story with you, Honor it without pressing for more. Say simply, thank you for sharing this with me. That's enough. When we can unlearn this pressure for one grand declaration, we allow for the courage to grow. Today we talked about why college is such a pivotal season for coming out. How it's never one and done, and 3 steps that can help this process feel safer. Remember that coming out is not about perfection or performance. It's very personal and it takes courage in whatever form it takes. I'm so grateful to walk this road with you, whether you're in the middle of coming out or supporting someone who is. Remember that new episodes drop every Tuesday and Friday, and future interviews will drop as special episodes. So make sure to subscribe and follow so you never miss an episode. And if today's episode resonated with you, I would love to give you an excerpt of my book, Parenting with Pride, as well as a guided reflection. Go to tinyurl.com/pwpreflect. The link will be in the show notes as well. Let's continue to see the humanity in each other, no matter the differences. Until next time, remember, you are not alone.