Confidence Classic: How to Go Bigger and Stop Holding Yourself Back with Heather!

If your revenues are at least in the 7-figure, go to netsuite.ai/monahan. Built for every industry, ready for every boardroom. netsuite.ai/monahan. M-O-N-A-H-A-N. NetSuite Next. Join over 1 million people already building wealth with confidence. Head to wealthfront.com/confidence to get started. Terms and conditions apply. If you want to try Momentous Signature Spec Creatine, head to livemomentous.com and use code CONFIDENCE for up to 35% off your entire first order. livemomentous.com, promo code CONFIDENCE. Over 30 million customers have trusted Zazzle with their most important moments. Right now, save 25% on your first order at zazzle.com. That's 25% savings on your first order at zazzle.com. Go make something amazing. Zazzle. What is it that I was really put here to do? When am I my happiest? When am I most excited? What am I passionate about things? And maybe you need to strip some things out of your life. Maybe you need to fire some villains from your life, right? Maybe you need to get some of that negativity, guilt, shame, whatever's holding you back so you can start seeing clearly. Find out what your purpose and passion are, because I'm telling you, it's game-changing. Come on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow. I'm ready for my close-up. Tell me, have you been enjoying these new bonus Confidence Classics episodes we've been dropping on you every week? We've literally hundreds of episodes for you to listen to. So these bonuses are a great way to help you find the ones you may have already missed. I hope you love this one as much as I do. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. Okay. In an effort to keep it real for you, I am so tired right now, it's ridiculous. Okay, I think you know that I had this huge week this past week. I had, I think it was 10 different speaking engagements, a number of which were virtual, but some of which were in person. And it's funny, when I speak, the only way I can explain it is just to say, "Leave it all on the field." I put everything, every last bit of energy of my entire body, I mean, I just, I don't know, I really feel like I'm so grateful to get the opportunity to do what I love to do for a living. I'm so blessed. But the reason why I do it, I always say to myself, if I can impact one person, if I could change one person's life through this talk, through this, you know, moment in time, everything is so worth it, right? This is why I'm here. I truly believe that. So if I don't bring it, you know, everything that I've got, I feel like not only am I failing the people that I'm there for, I'm failing myself, I'm failing the greater good, right? I just, it's crazy because as you know, if you've been with me for a while, you know, I was in corporate America for over 20-something years. I always cared about what I did, don't get me wrong, but I never felt like this. I mean, it's crazy. Truly finding your purpose in life is a game changer. If you have not found yours yet, start asking yourself the questions. What is it that I was really put here to do? Start asking God, your higher power, the universe, you know, what is it that people keep coming to? What do people ask me for? When am I my happiest? When am I my most excited? What am I passionate about things? And maybe you need to strip some things out of your life. Maybe you need to fire some villains from your life, right? Maybe you need to get some of that negativity, guilt, shame, whatever's holding you back, So you can start seeing clearly, clear the deck, right? Get all this ancillary other stuff outta your way and get really clear with yourself and start asking those questions. Start journaling, you know, find out what your purpose and passion are because I'm telling you as someone who speaks with firsthand experience, you know, I've just figured mine out in the last couple of years and It's game-changing. That's why I'm here. I'm definitely here to be my son's mother. I know that too, right? But I'm here to make the world a better place. I truly know that. And it's crazy, I also know that's why I had such a hard childhood. That's why, oh my gosh, I've met so much adversity in my life. It's crazy. Literally insane. And like many of us have, right? So I know that those adversities were placed in my way so that I can do what I do now. I would never be able to do what I do now had I not gone through the trials and tribulations I have in my life. That much is true. It's so annoying, I'm not gonna lie, right? Because I always can't stand the moments when you're in it, right? Because you could never see the dots connecting when you're in it. You can only see it after the fact. So you go through the heartbreak, you go through the upset. You know what's funny is this week, One day, I believe it was Wednesday this week, all of a sudden the world decided we had a hurricane coming for us. And I immediately started panicking when it was getting close because it looked like it was a straight-on hit to Miami. And here I was getting so scared and upset. And the next morning I woke up and it was just gone. It turned and completely missed us. I mean, we had winds of 40 miles an hour, which is nothing here. And here I was worrying and staying up late the night before, robbing myself of peace, robbing myself of time I could have been doing good and creating something positive, right? I was just living in fear and obsessing with the media. Made no sense. And it was funny 'cause the next day I had an in-person speech and there were people that traveled all over the world to get here to Miami for this conference. And I was sharing that same message with them. How many of us sat up last night paranoid, wondering, should we jump on a flight and get out of here, right? And, and half of the room was in the same boat I was. And it was just, it was such an interesting moment to reflect that the things we have no control on, we can't sit around and obsess about. Let it go, turn it over. It is not worth your time. There's plenty instead we can sit around and do things about, right? There's work that can be done. There's, you know, we can raise the bar on ourselves. We can go work out. We could spend We can spend time with great people. We can jump into content that elevates us. We can read a great book. There's so many things we can do that we're in charge of and in control of to become a better version of ourselves, to make the world a better place, to do whatever it is that we're looking to do. But to sit around and worry about the things we have zero control about is the most epic fail and biggest waste of time. I'm done with it. I am not doing that again. I literally wasted a night of my life I will never get back again. And the joke was on me as I woke up in the morning to the most beautiful day. It was crazy. Okay, so that was just a little life lesson I had to share with you. And all right, so back to I'm so tired. So the funny thing is I had this crazy week. I left it all on the field. Literally, I was broken by Friday. I just, I was a shell of myself. And I'm always super high-energy person, but no. One of my girlfriends came over to my house Friday night, and she's like, oh my gosh, you don't even look like yourself right now. I didn't. I was a shell of myself. I was so tired, I was rubbing my eyes like a little baby. It was so weird, but I also felt super proud about it, right? Like I'm, oh my gosh, I left it all on the field. And then I'll tell you, it goes to the feedback you get, right? So whatever it is you currently do for a living or, or what you do for work or what you do in the world, get feedback. You know, we live in a review and recommendation society and world. I'm always asking people, hey, can I get a testimonial? Hey, can I get feedback on what you thought went well or what didn't go well for the event? Hey, can, would you be willing to give me a review of my work? I ask on the regular. I mean, it's nauseating. However, I will tell you, not only does it teach me so much about what others see in me and what lands and what doesn't land, that makes me a better speaker, that allows me to create better content, and it, it, it educates me, right? So we are never gonna see ourselves the same way other people see us. That's just a fact. We need to start seeing ourselves through the lens of others so that we can show up as that best version of ourselves. And to that end, you know, I'm always trying to find ways to get better. I don't wanna just be stagnant. I did that for a decade at my last corporate job when I was a chief revenue officer. I was stagnant for 10 years. I just didn't really grow. I mean, it looks like I did on the outside, you know, you make more money or, or more accolades or whatever, but really I was doing the same thing day in, day out. I wasn't— that is not the case anymore, by the way. I headlined the AICP annual conference in Miami this week, and it's an accounting conference, right? Like, whoever thought I'd be a keynote closer for an accounting conference for people all over the world? But I was. So that's stepping out of my comfort zone, right? That was a new thing for me. That's a growth moment for me. I'm constantly stepping into moments like this and challenging myself to see how can I show up better? How can I impact more? How can I, you know, do a better job? And one of the ways I push myself to get better, and for anyone listening that is interested in public speaking and getting better in public speaking, go to church and listen to pastors. I'm just gonna tell you that right now, because the pastor at my church is incredible. And one of the things I noticed today, I'm always studying while he's speaking and trying to apply it back to me. Like, how can I leverage what I'm watching and learning and seeing here with him? And like, what, what part of it could I take and add in my own way to what I do? And it hit me right between the eyes today, as he constantly uses props. Today he had a huge prop. He brought a humongous door out and had the door on the stage with him the whole time he was preaching, and he was using it as he was explaining how God's always knocking, but there's no knob on that side of the door. The only knob is on the inside, and it's up to us to decide, do we wanna open the door and allow God into our lives or not? It was a beautiful message. It obviously resonated with me so much because I'm sitting here sharing it with you. But it just reminded me, we aren't the end-all be-all at anything. Nobody is, right? We can all get better by observing others, seeing what their ideas, their creativity is, what they do well. And it challenged me today to say, okay, what prop can I start using? I don't use props when I speak. I just get up and talk, which I always thought is so cool and, you know, impressive. But After seeing him today, I was like, mm, maybe it's kind of cool, impressive to use props too. But guess what? I need to test and try it, right? So always be testing and trying. We don't wanna just create one product, one solution, and just leave it stagnant. That's what happened in the radio business that I was in. And that industry is just, you know, falling apart because so many of those companies just created a product and left it. And then the world advanced around it and they were left behind. Don't be left behind. Choose to innovate, choose to test and try, choose to get up and, and learn from others in, in surprising locations and, and just see what could be possible and then see how you can apply it back to your life. So you gotta hold me accountable on this one. I've gotta find a way to bring some props into my speeches. I'm, I'm not sure what that's gonna look like yet, but we are going to test and try it. For sure, and I'm super excited about it. Meet a different guest each week. Heather Monahan! Confidence creator. If you had been around this house the last couple of months, you would know total chaos. 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Confidence creator. I ask you to try to find your passion. So as I said, I had a number of speeches this week, and one actually was for my son's school. It was— my son was not there. It was for the young ladies at my son's school. But it was just, it was so interesting because all week I had very different audiences, you know, some just basic corporate events, and then, and again, some with, you know, middle school and high schoolers, which was so different. And it was funny, when I was at my son's school, we opened it up for Q&A after my talk. And while I was at his school, I was speaking to them about the power of intention and waking up in the morning and setting a strong intention every day. And, you know, leadership by example and how do we lead and how are we showing up. And you don't need, you know, the title of captain or MVP to lead on a court or at school. Create that intention in the morning. I will show up as a leader today. I will lead the way with light and love and kindness for others. You know, whatever that mantra is gonna be for you, State it, claim it, own it, speak it into existence, and start showing up as it, and watch how the world changes for the better around you. I was talking about that in my talk there, and they opened it up for Q&A after, and a beautiful young lady rose her, was raising her hand for me, and I called on her, and she said, and by the way, not, it's not very usual for high schoolers to ask a lot of questions. I've done a number of high schools, and it's the fewest questions you ever get as a speaker because they're all so concerned with what everybody thinks around them. Oh, you know, will I be judged? Well, it's just, it's so sad. It breaks my heart. But again, I've been that young girl so concerned with what everybody else will say or think of me too. And I'm sure I didn't ask many questions for the same reason. So I am not judging them. I am so with them. It just breaks my heart that it has to be like that. So she was raising her hand, called on her, and she said, hey Heather, for those of us who aren't always positive and motivated like you, can you teach us some hacks? How do we, How do we overcome that when we're the ones standing in our own way? And I said, oh my gosh, I started laughing because, P.S., and I always wanna be really clear about this, I am not always positive and motivated. Heck no. And P.S., today is one of those days. I am so tired. My son got home at 1 in the morning last night. I went Richter. I was so mad that he was out so late. And it was funny, I ran into my next-door neighbor in the elevator today and he said, how's your Sunday? Not great 'cause I'm so tired and I, you know, I'm feeling bad for myself and I'm cranky. I'm not great on very little sleep, especially when, you know, my 15-year-old stayed out that— it just, the whole thing was so ridiculous and rude and not thoughtful and not kind and really upset me. And he gave me great perspective this morning. He said, Heather Monahan, my son goes to school with his son, they're a couple years apart. He said, Heather, we have amazing kids. And we should be so thankful. They don't do drugs, they're kind, they do a good job in school, they play sports, they have great friends. You know, we are so blessed and so lucky, and I'm so hopeful for their future. And he was so right, right? I was sitting here throwing a tantrum in the elevator about how bad my life is 'cause I'm tired, but first world problems. And he just reminded me, these aren't real problems, right? These are, yeah, that's not great that my son stayed out that late and he should have come home when he was supposed to be You know, but at the end of the day, he's a great kid, and he's doing great things, and his future is so bright, and those are the things I need to come back to. So I was so grateful for that perspective today, and that gift of the idea of hope and gratitude, and hope that that can reframe whatever challenge you're facing right now, that maybe it is just a first-world problem, and we can focus on the things and parts of the challenges that we are grateful for. But when this young lady asked me that question, You know, I had to laugh because the day that I was speaking at my son's school, I had just spoken for Verizon earlier in the day and that talk had gone incredible and I was getting this great feedback. However, and so to anyone seeing me after my Verizon talk, you know, you'd think I was on top of the world. I was getting all these messages and it was, this was the best, it was the most attended talk ever that we've ever had. You know, people were, crazy and telling me how it was the best thing ever. And I'm super grateful for the feedback and appreciative. Always offer support and feedback to others when you can, when it's genuine. It's so appreciated. Never will fall on deaf ears. And the reality was my morning had started out, in my mind, really not great. So that morning that I was gonna be giving the Verizon speech and then the speech for my son's school, I was, up, I always, you know, I get up, I have a, you know, drink my coffee, whatever, and I go through my bullet points and my notes to get myself fired up and ready. I have my playlist on, it's my go-to playlist for any day I have a speech. It gets me in the zone and the right mindset. You know, I fire up my candles that I love. I just, I do these things that like make me feel happy, right? 'Cause I wanna get in the best mindset possible 'cause I wanna impart and encourage others and impart knowledge on others. And so I'm doing all my things, and I made a huge mistake, which I'm sure I'll make again in my life. I opened up my email. And just as you never know, like how the hurricane, you know, never materialized in Miami, went completely, you know, north of us and was never an issue, you never know what could happen on email either, right? So sometimes it can be incredible and sometimes not so incredible. So I opened it up, and it's an email from Real Leaders that named me top 50 keynote speaker in the world for 2022, which I was so incredibly honored, humbled. I was named top 40 female keynote speaker in 2020. I didn't win anything in 2021. And then 2022, I was the top 50 in the world for men and women, which was incredible. So grateful, so thankful, and was just incredible. Well, of course, once you win something like that, you just assume you're getting it again. I mean, right? Wouldn't you? I did. I had even, a couple of my friends were on the list. One of my good friends was ahead of me and I was giving him a really hard time saying how I was gonna knock him off the list and beat him this year. So I've been running my mouth about this and I was 100% certain I was getting on because I'd spoken so much more in the last 12 months than I had prior. I mean, I spoke for Amazon, Google, Harvard, right? Like, A huge— I'm speaking for Ernst Young in a couple of weeks, like humongous, the biggest companies in the world I've spoken for now. And the feedback's been incredible and I have all the testimony, like I'm killing it, right? This is how I think. And I'm on top of the world, I'm so excited. And I open the email and it says, top 50 keynote speaker list 2023. And I click on it and I'm scrolling and scrolling and scrolling. And I'm not on there. So I refresh the list and I'm scrolling and scrolling and scrolling and I'm not on there. And I refresh the— I'm like, what? This has gotta be wrong. It has to be wrong. I'm clicking on 9 million different things and I'm not on there. And my friends aren't on there either. So it was a totally different list this year. And to say that I was devastated is pretty much accurate. I was— my ego, number one, took a hit, but also not even just the ego. For sure my ego took I took a hit 'cause I had run my mouth to so many people about this. So of course there's the embarrassing factor, like, uh, why did I do that? Make it so much wor— but also there was the, the disappointed. I deserved it this year for sure. If I won last year, I totally des— deserve, it doesn't add up. This doesn't make sense. I'm very frustrated. I worked so hard and I did a really great job this year and I can't believe I didn't get it. So I messaged my friend who didn't get on either and I'm like, what the heck is going on? They are sleeping on us. I cannot believe this. And he explained, explained to me, listen, they went a different direction this year. They only went with, you know, social media type influencers. He's like, some of these people, Heather, I don't even think they speak, you know, but they have millions of followers. I don't have millions of followers yet. And so, you know, he made it a little bit more palatable to swallow, but it's still— that marketing tool's gone for me, which it's an incredible marketing tool, right? I mean, it just allows you to charge more, you know, elevate your, your status in a new industry. It It stinks, right? So I explained to this young lady at the Q&A at my son's school, listen, this morning I was crying in my soup, my proverbial soup, right? I was sitting there with my head down on my computer, so mad, so frustrated, angry at the world, feeling like, why me? Why did this happen to me? And you know, it's one of those moments that you have no control over. I'm not the one picking— listen, I did all the things I could control. I showed up on the regular daily in the last year. Bringing my A-game for every talk, you know, doing qualifying calls ahead of time, doing follow-up after. I mean, I did the work, I did the things I could do, and I'm super proud of it. Other than like my past where I wasn't using props, maybe that's why I missed. I don't know. We're gonna have to refine and improve and test and try that one. But for the most part, I did a really great job. I'm super proud of myself and I delivered, right? And I thought I should have gotten it. Apparently somebody else didn't. And that's when you just have to turn it over and say, you know what, it stinks. It wasn't what I hoped for, but I gotta let it go. The longer I sit in the negativity, the worse my day's gonna get, right? The longer you sit in the negative energy, the more negative you become. And then the more negative things around you become. I know that where you put your focus is, you know, what's gonna grow and intensify. So for me, I had to fire up my playlist. I had to detach from that email and let it go. And then I decided, you know what, I'm kind of being a fraud if I do that today. In fact, why don't I lead both my speeches with what happened this morning. And so I did. I opened both of my speeches that day saying that I didn't get, you know, 2023 Top 50 Keynote Speaker, and that in some ways I felt a little bit like a fraud. Here I was taking these humongous stages and, you know, having these great opportunities, but I had just lost the title, right, that I had been anointed. And that takes me back to this whole, you don't need anyone to give you the title, give yourself the title. You don't need anyone to give you the permission, give yourself the permission. And I took the permission to shine a light on my shame and basically say, yeah, I'm really disappointed I didn't get it. However, I know that I will deliver. I know that I am worthy. And while it was nice having someone else tell me and anoint me and grant me the title, I'm gonna give it to myself. I'm gonna let those people know by the end of this upcoming year, oof, we fell asleep on that woman and we should not have, right? I will bring my A-game and my heat everywhere tenfold this year. So I turn it into an opportunity to get better. Again, doesn't mean I didn't feel really low that morning, but time heals all things. You know, here we are a week later and I feel fine about it. Like, I've, I've worked through it. I'm grateful. I leverage it in my talks. My audiences loved that I shared that, right? Because it was a painful, hurtful moment for me. I could have let it really take me down on some levels. But instead I used it as motivation to connect with my audiences, show that I felt bad about something and how I could turn it into potentially something good. So I truly believe, always claim your shame, 'cause if you don't, that shame is gonna claim you. And that's a losing battle when you let your shame claim you. Get rid of guilt, get rid of shame, get that stuff outta your way, clear that deck so you can start focusing on what is good in your life. You can bring more good into your life and you can step into your power. Meet a different guest each week. Confidence creator. What made me start taking creatine in the first place? I mean, if you're not taking creatine, what are you doing? We are losing muscle the older we get. You need creatine in your life. Creatine is one of the most researched and effective supplements available. That's why Momentous created Signature Spec Creatine, their most advanced creatine ever, setting a new standard for creatine quality. 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I ask you to try to find your passion. Another thing that I really wanted to share from this past week that it was bothering me until I went to church today and there was a great message that I received that really helped me. Here it is. So a good friend of mine who I adore, I love this guy. He's just an incredible human being, great friend, just wonderful person. I think the world of him. He has been playing too small in my opinion, and I'm completely right on this. He's been playing too small. He has way too much to give the world, way too much greatness inside of him, but something within him makes him dial it back down occasionally. He calls it, you know, being humble or whatever. I just call it playing small. I can't stand it. It makes me nuts because here's the thing, and I mean this for you too, you don't need permission to go bigger. You don't need— the world is a very dark place. We all know that. I mean, there is this looming recession, there's war, there's all the negativity with politics. It's not bright and beautiful. And if you are a bright and beautiful, good person, amplify your light, right? Start that domino effect. Start that chain effect. And do it in a big, meaningful way. God did not put any of us on this earth to be lukewarm, right? We are here to be original and to amplify our voices and to do good and to connect with others and to encourage. And if you have that opportunity and gift within you, amplify it. And this man has it in spades. And so, I get very frustrated with him that he's not amplifying, that he's not turning his light up, that he's not going for more. He's frankly playing too small. So we did a call with his team and him, and I was really hard on him in front of his team, which, you know, I do things like this, and I've always done things like this from a leadership perspective to rattle people. Because I believe if you soft shoe people too much, they're not gonna be motivated to get better. They're not gonna, you know, knock their head a little bit and say, "Woof, I needed that. Okay, let me wake back up from this and try something different." But if I soft shoe it and am too, you know, gentle, nothing's gonna change. So some people can handle that, some people can't. And I get it. It's very— I'm not always the easiest person to work with because of that reason. I can be tough on people I care about, especially when I care a lot about somebody. I can be really tough on them 'cause I expect so much more and I see so much greatness within them. So think about that the next time someone's tough on you. They might be doing it because they care so deeply about you and see so much greatness within you. Okay. So again, I did this call. I was really, really tough on him and it had been bothering me all week because he's such a kind and wonderful person. But I knew I've got to just let it sit with him. And when, you know, I can't, if I go running back and apologize or say, you know, I shouldn't have been so tough on you, bro. I basically waste all what I did, right? That half an hour, hour, whatever it was, I waste that because I just pull the plug on it. So I say to myself, this is how I was coaching myself this week. I'm not going and apologizing to him. I'm not going and saying, "How are you doing? I was really hard on you." I'm letting him sit with it. He's gotta sit with it, right? He'll come to me when he's ready. And if he's upset, I'll explain to him, you know, why I did what I did and how, you know, I care about him and think so highly of him. Okay, so I was in church today and our pastor started explaining, I'm gonna read I'm just gonna read just a note that I took. Okay, he said, "How about in life, when we get constructive criticism from people, we respond like this: Thank you for loving me. Thank you for correcting me. And thank you for making me better." And he explained that, he said, "I know it's not always easy to take constructive criticism. I know it's not always easy to be understanding and to hear without anger or emotion or judgment." But why don't we instead say, thank you for loving me, thank you for correcting me, and thank you for making me better. Why not try? And he went on this whole topic around, it's so easy for all of us to judge somebody else and judge their actions, when what we're judging in ourselves is our intent. We never know what the intent is in somebody else, right? So to stop judging people's actions and comparing it to our intentions, because we're always gonna look so much better. And instead be willing to receive. And again, the, the key differentiator here is it's constructive criticism, constructive feedback. It's somebody who's not only your cheerleader, but your champion. And I wanna differentiate on that in that we all need cheerleaders. You know my book, Overcome Your Villains. I am all about firing the negative people in your life all day long. Don't let them take up space in your life. Bye-bye. Get 'em outta here. However, it's amazing to have cheerleaders and we all need them. And I have mine on speed dial that I mean, my one girlfriend Samantha is without a doubt my number one cheerleader. Well, there's a couple of them, but she's definitely one of them. And when I need words of encouragement, love, and support, I'm speed dialing her and she just gives it to me tenfold. That's what she always— she's amazing at it. However, she's not gonna be the one that's gonna get me to leap and go do something massively big and scary, right? My champions will do that. The ones that say, mm-mm, I'm not letting you get out of this that easy, kid. You can do bigger. You can go for more. You can push yourself. I've seen you through it. And you know what? I'm gonna hold you accountable to it. Which is really what I did to my friend this week, right? I was his— I wasn't his cheerleader so much this week. I was his champion, which means I'm pushing him to really go for more. So make sure you have both of those people in your corner, your cheerleaders for the day you need, someone picking you up and your champions for pushing you into what you know you really need. What, 'cause you are destined for more. And now is not the time to give up on you or on the world. Okay, so that was my message. That was my, one of my messages from church day. Okay, then one of my talks that I gave this week, I got a DM from someone right after. And usually when I receive these, I think it's super important to get back to people. So I wanna share with you this question that I got. And then, and offer some feedback. Okay, I just saw your speech. You're an amazing speaker. Thank you. I have a quick question. I work for a male supervisor, and he always pings me through different chats, just pings, like instead of, you know, using email or whatever. I do a lot of volunteering tasks so the team can, you know, get everything done. I am in a certain role. I'm not in a support role. So she's saying basically she's being treated like an assistant or an admin, but that's not her role. She has a very clearly defined role, which is something very different than this. So basically, her supervisor is leaning on her not only for her full-time job but adding admin-type assistant duties. Listen, P.S., people will treat you the way you teach them to. And this has happened to me before. I used to be the go-to person to dump everything on when I was in corporate America because I would allow it. I mean, I'd welcome it. I'd be like, oh heck yeah, I can get that done. Of course I will. Yes, yes, yes was always my answer. And Wrong answer. Okay. So she goes on to say, it's somewhat demeaning, but he doesn't have an admin currently. So I get it, he needs some help, but why me? You know, he doesn't ask anyone else to take on this work, just me. And the minute he sees me at my desk, he just starts pinging me, asking for her to do these things. How would you approach this? Okay, so number one, you are teaching people how to treat you. Own it. Take responsibility for it. Okay? So number— that's number 1. Number 2, have a direct conversation with somebody. So often people don't even know what they're doing because they're moving 900 miles an hour. They have— maybe they have a sick child at home. Maybe they're going through divorce. I don't know what's going on in their life, right? They've got their life going on. That's what's running through their head 900 miles an hour. And they just might not even be cognizant or aware that they're leaning on you like this. So that's on you to show up in a very cool and calm way and respond and ask for what you need, right? So in a situation like that, if I was in this woman's situation, I would ask for a meeting, right? I wouldn't just ping. I would send an email and say, hey, it'd be great if you and I could— I'd like to get 30 minutes of your time this week. I need your help with something. Can you and I schedule an in-person one-on-one meeting, right? I'd ask for what I need. I'd get the meeting and I would sit in front of that person and I would ask for feedback on, you know, the job that I do, right? I come from a very professional standpoint. And then I would say, you know, I appreciate your feedback. I'm grateful to hear that this, this, or this is going well. However, I need your help with something. My role and duties are X, like whatever, you know, whatever it is, and this is essentially what I understood my role to be when I joined your team. Is that correct? Yes, that's correct. Okay. All right. So like find that common ground that we do agree on what my role is, what my job is, and how I'm supposed to be evaluated and what I'm supposed to get done. I try to help out whenever I can. However, I am, you know, somewhat overwhelmed with all of the duties I have now that you've been asking me to do. And I itemize them A, B, C, and D, right? Because sometimes people don't even know that they're doing it. So I would say, you know, you've been asking me to do these tasks, which when I have free time, I'm happy to help anybody in any way I can. I'm a team player. However, I don't have the free time right now. I'm at capacity with my current role, current responsibilities. Can you and I brainstorm another person on the team that might be able to make this happen, or how we can potentially, you know, hand this off to somebody else? Or do you think that it makes sense to hire for a position for someone to come on? Because it seems like a lot of us who need the support, myself included, wanted to brainstorm some solutions with you today, right? So I would ask for their help, either help me understand whose job this is, or can you help me, you know, figure out who we can delegate this to? You know, just asking for guidance and help as a supervisor, as a leader. It doesn't need to be combative. Now, let's say that person comes back and says, well, you know, we don't have the budget to hire right now. You know, we don't have a person on the team that can do it. I so appreciate you doing it, please just keep doing it. Then you've got to reiterate, I don't have the bandwidth or capacity to do that. And I know that I'm here to do my, my role. What other options can, can we brainstorm or come up with? Like, I would just keep going back to, no, that's not going to happen, right? You don't have to apologize for it. You just need to keep asking for help and keep asking for, you know, solutions. And at the end of the day, if it is an issue with the supervisor, then you're going to have to, you know, potentially go to HR or something else. Because you have a clearly defined role. You are hired in a certain position. If this, you know, supervisor is mandating you do things that, you know, you were not hired for, at some point you're gonna have to go over that person's head if they will not be part of the solution with you. And I'm hopeful that the person would be, that they probably just didn't even know they were doing it. That's— I would assume 90% of people would be, oh yeah, you're right. Okay, no, that isn't fair. No, thank you for bringing this to my attention, you know? But there are gonna be some villains out there that are just saying, no, you either get this done or I don't want you on my team. Well, then that's not the person you should be working for, right? You need to work for someone that is not only a cheerleader, but also a champion for you. Someone who wants to stretch you to grow, but also encourage you and not treat you differently than everybody else on the team. But it's up to you to stand up for yourself and ask for what you need in a very calm fashion. Practice it. Do this before you go in if you're nervous. Channel a different person. You know, Beyoncé channels her inner Sasha Fierce when she takes the stage. Eminem channels a different persona when he takes the stage. People do what they need to do in stressful, scary moments to get themselves over that hump. Channel me if you need to channel somebody, right? Channel somebody, your inner H to the M, whatever you need to do to get yourself over that hump. You've gotta start showing up for you. When I have those big difficult moments, I wear my power color. I put my favorite perfume on. I do my hair. Me, that's something that makes me feel confident. I write notes on the bottom of my shoe. I can and I will. I practice things over and over again ad nauseam. I jot things down in writing cuz I'm 90% more likely to remember them if I write them. I do the work before I go in for a difficult conversation so it goes much better than I anticipate. Now she went on to say, hey, I'd also like to add with volunteering, this director always applauds a younger guy and they invest time in training him. I feel as if I'm invisible and I do the same work. How do you change this? Okay, so again, you are teaching people how to treat you. So the next time, okay, deal with one problem at a time and they're somewhat connected and I understand that, but take that first one on first, that, that, that's the bigger issue. Then once you've done that, or even at the latter part of that conversation, you could add on, I'm really interested in getting trained and growing and getting to that next level. What does What does training look like with you, and how can we start incorporating that into our schedule moving forward? That could be that simple. Or the next time you see that supervisor training that other person, jump up, raise your hand, and say, hey, is there any way that I could get in on this conversation? I would love to learn too. I would so appreciate it. Ask for what you need. Ask for what you want, right? We just assume people know everything that we want and that we can sit silently and suffer and someone's gonna come running over and tell, tell us, oh, let me figure that out for you. You're upset. No one's gonna know unless we raise our hand and let it be known. And even then, we might have to ask multiple times. People are busy, people are focused on themselves, and people gravitate towards people that they know, like, and trust, right? It's just a fact of life. It might not be this negative intent. Now, there are situations where it could be. You could be getting treated differently because you're a woman. That means you need to get off that person's team, right? That means you need to go to somebody else and find a different space for yourself. Might It might be at that same company, it might not, I don't know. But at least go in with the attitude first that, oh, you know what, I bet this person doesn't know they're doing it. I haven't raised my hand and let them know. So that's what I'm gonna do today, right? That's the first best thing. Treat other people, golden rule, the way you'd wanna be treated, right? Maybe you're the supervisor and, and someone, you know, says this, gosh, that person's never helping me out and they're always dishing things off on me. But you didn't know, wouldn't you rather have them raise a hand and say, hey, did you know this is going on? Of course you would, right? And it was funny, at one of my talks this week, we were doing a live Q&A, and someone said, we were talking about my book, Overcome Your Villains, and someone said, hey, Heather, were you, when you were in corporate America, were you ever somebody's villain? And I said, of course I was. I'm sure, you know, I'm sure right now I'm probably the villain of that woman that fired me. I would imagine she probably thinks I'm a villain, right? Again, I go back to villains don't have to be bad people. They just might not be helpful in your world at that point in time, right? They might not be adding big value to you. So I gave the example of this. I never, you never know what other people are, you know, thinking or saying necessarily, 'cause not everyone's gonna raise their hand and speak up. Up, but the company that I used to work for did not have a maternity policy. And I am not big into when you're a leader, if you're not happy with policy within the company and you fight to change it and can't get it changed, at the end of the day, you still have to own it because you work for that company. You can't come to the team and say, well, this is what the company policy is. I totally disagree with it. It's BS. They're awful people. I fought them. Right? You can't— you're going to lose the trust of that organization. You can't do that. Whether you agree or disagree, you have to, in a factual manner, in the best way possible, lay out what the situations are. So I never blamed anyone when I would— when someone would get pregnant and they come to me and I'd say, well, you can take Family Leave Act, which stinks. I wouldn't say it stinks. I would say, you can— here's your options. And I would leave it at that. Very factual. It would not get emotional, and I would not defend or, you know, apologize for it. It just is what It was policy. They could also go speak to HR or the GC or whoever, right? And I would give— I'd open that door and extend that opportunity to them. Well, wouldn't you know? Okay, I had a baby, obviously. I did not get maternity leave. 10 days after I gave birth, I had a C-section. My old CEO had me on a plane going to deliver a keynote for him. It was a disaster, but I went. So, here's the thing. Unbeknownst to me, a woman that had worked for me for years, who I loved, she was an amazing talent, incredible salesperson, She ends up, she gets pregnant, she ends up resigning. I don't see her again. And years later, I had told the story of how I gave a speech 10 days after getting my C-section and flying to North Carolina to give the speech for my old boss. And I got a DM from her and it said, oh my gosh, I just saw what you shared on social media and I'm mortified. I've hated you, Heather, for years. And it went on to say, I always assumed you created the policy that women should not get maternity leave. What? She said, because you never told us that somebody else had. So I just thought you did. And I blamed you because I didn't wanna, you know, leave working for you and blah, blah, blah. And I felt really bad about it, whatever it was. So bottom line is I had been this woman's villain for years. Unbeknownst to me for something that I hadn't done. I was a messenger on, I hadn't created it. And it took her seeing, you know, what had happened with my pregnancy and birth of my son and the challenges I went through for her to understand I really hadn't been her villain. So it just all goes back to communication and just this understanding that the better that we can communicate, the better we can show up as a powerful version of ourselves. So the more we can create boundaries, the more we can say no when things aren't the right fit and know our value and worth if this isn't the right place for, for me, if I'm not being treated correctly, there's plenty of other places I can go and other things I can do. You know, lead with that confidence in yourself and watch things unfold in such a better way for you. So I hope that feedback helped. I hope that there was some value in the show today that you can take into your week this week. I hope that you feel encouraged, and you are taking on this week knowing you are gonna go bigger. You are made for more and you got this. So until next week, keep creating your confidence. Please, if you like this episode, share, rate, review, leave your review. I love reviews. And please share it on social media. Nobody succeeds in this world alone, and that includes me. Until next week, keep creating your confidence. I couldn't be more excited for what you're gonna hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably, something will happen. No one succeeds alone. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. Come on this journey with me.