'My Dad Tried to Set Me on Fire': Former Addict Opens Up on a Life of Trauma
In this Deeper vodcast episode, host Danny Lorimer interviews Tom, a former heavy cocaine and ketamine user, about his harrowing childhood, the development of his addiction, and his path to recovery. Tom recounts growing up in a violent, alcoholic, and gambling household in Hackney, where his father once attempted to set him on fire. He describes early exposure to substance use, beginning with alcohol at 14, moving to daily cocaine use in his late teens, and later escalating to massive ketamine consumption that destroyed his bladder and caused severe physical pain. Tom details his involvement in drug dealing, the financial and social dynamics of his addiction, and the nadir of his life in 2018 when he was homeless, severely malnourished, and suicidal. A heated argument with his mother prompted him to seek help; after a painful audition process he entered a Glasgow rehab in November 2018, where he underwent a six‑month program followed by a nine‑month “re‑entry” phase. He reflects on the harsh realities of rehab, the stigma surrounding addiction, and his belief that addiction is a societal failure rather than a disease. Since rehab, Tom has remained abstinent, enrolled at the University of Glasgow, become a father, and now uses his story to educate others. He offers advice to those struggling, emphasizing belief, hope, and seeking help.
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Hello and welcome to Deeper, the vodcast series where we have honest conversations with unique and interesting individuals. Deeper is a companion vodcast to our video series Deep, and if you enjoy these videos and enjoy hearing about these stories, please do hit the subscribe button down below. I'm Danny Lorimer, and I am joined here today by Tom. Nice to have you here, Tom.
Nice to be here as well.
So let's go right back to the start, Tom. What was your childhood like?
Uh, horrendous. Yeah, which is probably most people's experience of their childhood, I guess, when, when they become drug addicts. But, um, yeah, so as I mentioned a minute ago, I was born and raised in Nina in Tipperary. Unfortunately, uh, my father wasn't, as far as I'm aware, still is to this day, a, you know, very violent and nasty individual, but also suffered with alcoholism, which he still is, you know, an alcoholic and also a chronic gambler. We moved from Ireland to London when I was around about 2 or 3 years old. We grew up in a place called Hackney at the time, a very socioeconomically deprived area, which has now been completely gentrified. And I've had the pleasure of living there both when it wasn't particularly a nice area, and also I lived just off Broadway Market in my late teens, early 20s, which was completely different. And obviously Hackney has become a place of complete I guess, regeneration, as opposed to it was when I was there. But also, when you grow up in abject poverty like we did, I've got 2 younger siblings as well, you don't really realise that you're poor when everyone else is in the same situation. We certainly realised that, well, I definitely realised that, you know, I don't think we were particularly brought up in the right environment. It was a very chaotic and very dangerous place to live. And I don't mean Hackney, I mean in our actual household itself. You know, I would witness domestic violence and and abuse all the time. Pretty much every day, you know, I'd witness my father beat my mum half to death most of the time. And that's very difficult to witness and, I guess, accept, because it's so difficult to accept that your father's like that and treats your mum, you know, the woman that he's meant to love and care for. The same as, you know, she's also my mum, not just his partner. But It's very difficult to see that and kind of accept it. And knowing that you can't do anything about it, I think that's the hardest thing to accept. And unfortunately for my life, it was very difficult growing up. And also, when you're a very young child, who do you tell? Do you go to school and tell your teachers what you see at home, knowing that— when I lived at home, it was always fear. We were always terrified of what state my father would come in. the house. Hopefully, he'd be that drunk that he would just sort of pass out on the sofa or go to bed and pass out. And maybe he had a good day at the bookies as well, so he might have been in a better mood. But ultimately, as probably most gamblers and alcoholics will tell you, or any form of drug addict, it never really is a good day, no matter how much of the drug that you take, how much you consume. So most of the time, he'd come in in a very awful, violent mood, and things would be thrown about. My mum would be beaten up most of the time. It was very difficult to accept. And also, it was something that we kept a secret. Outside of our household, we never told anybody.
Never told anyone?
No. And also, when you fear for your life, and you see some of the stuff that your father's done to your mum, you're scared to tell anybody. My father tried to kill me as a child as well. The first time he ever tried to intervene when he was beating my mum up, he beat me up and tried— he covered me in turps, which is turpentine, and tried to set me on fire. Um, now I was— I think I was about 7 or 8 years old when that happened. Um, you know, if you know that your father's prepared to kill you, um, you know, you're terrified to tell anybody. Um, so, you know, first, these are all called ACEs, which are adverse childhood experiences, and it doesn't particularly matter, I think, what you experience. It's the fact that you've experienced, um, you know, a traumatic event which shapes not only your perception of, of your world but also the world out outside of that as well. And, you know, for growing up as positive as I always tried to be, you know, fundamentally I was, I was a mess inside.
That, I mean, that's obviously incredibly tough thing for anyone to be going through. When you were at that age, obviously then you're a kid, but you're around addiction, you're around your adult, your father as an addict. How, how did you as a kid perceive his addiction?
So I used to— it's a really good question because I used to just assume that if you drank and gambled you ended up like my father. But what I've realized, or what I've come to realize going through addiction myself, my father also experienced a very traumatic childhood. He went through some horrific things, but that doesn't justify then doing that then to your kids and your family. I became a father last year, nearly 2 years ago now.
Congratulations.
Yeah, thank you. And I wouldn't dream of You know, I wouldn't dream of doing the stuff that my father did to me, to my son. And I like to think that being a father is that you shield your kids from that, or kid in my instance. And that's my job, is to give him the best life, especially his childhood, that I can provide for. But thankfully, I'm not the person I used to be. If I was a drug addict and I had a child, then I'd have certainly fucked his life up just as much as That my father fucked mine up. And that, I guess, isn't on purpose. It's just generally what happens, because when you're in addiction, you're not in control of your life on so many different factors.
So you're a child at this point going through incredible emotional turmoil.
Yeah.
And when is the first time then that you turn to an addictive substance?
Um, so I think I tried alcohol when I was about 14 or 15, which I think is pretty late judging by especially today's standards. Yeah, I think for me alcohol was pretty easy to avoid because I just assumed that if you drank it, you ended up like my father. So, um—
And that was the main fear?
Yeah, there was always a fear around it, but also I guess, you know, um, I guess I had a bit of an education around it in the sense that I had firsthand experience of what I saw, you know, what, what I witnessed it doing to people. But it wasn't until I was about 17, I was actually at college, and I got introduced to cocaine, which was the first drug that I took. And I loved it. I don't want to glamorize it or promote it in any way, shape, or form, but I think for me, when you have this underlying issue of— I constantly felt worthless and not good enough, and I always blamed myself for my father's behaviors, not my father. I used to think that I wasn't good enough, I deserved what I went through. Maybe if I was better at everything, or maybe he might have loved me. And fundamentally, I felt like I wasn't good enough to be loved. And that, unfortunately, has traveled and kept with me throughout my entire life, which is difficult to battle as well. But yeah, when I first tried cocaine, I loved it because it took me away from that internal monologue inside that, this constant battle with, I'm not good enough. I didn't care. Once you're on cocaine, you don't really give a shit about anything. I had quite a few good years of— well, I say good years, I don't mean good years, but I took cocaine for probably 3 or 4 years consistently. And I became—
What does consistently mean?
Like all the time. Yeah, so at first it was more like a weekend thing, and then it became like maybe on a Wednesday, which was a student night. So it became a Wednesday thing as well as a Friday and Saturday, and then a Sunday, and then a Thursday, and then a Monday and Tuesday. And then it just became you know, constant all the time. Um, I was using cocaine from the moment I woke up to the moment I passed out. But I was also highly functional. Um, I was a functional addict. Um, so I could hold down a job, I could get up and go to work, I could do most things. Um, and, um, it wasn't until, you know, a few years into being addicted to cocaine that I was introduced to ketamine. Um, which I hated, and I was terrified of at first because I saw what it used to do to my friends and I'd be like, that's not cool. It's not an attract— no drug's really particularly attractive, but I don't know if you've ever seen anybody on ketamine, but they look like a zombie. Whereas on cocaine, you're not like that. And I just used to think, why on earth would you do that to yourself? Until I tried it. You
tried
it? Yeah, which was with cocaine and CK.
Before we go into ketamine in a second, but that first period, you first tried drugs. Obviously, it's not like a straightaway thing where you're addicted straight away, I would assume. Or did you feel like there was a thing where it was that you were— did you ever feel in those years when you were doing cocaine consistently that this is sliding into a problem? Did you consciously know it was a problem?
Yeah, I knew it was a problem pretty quickly. I mean, I'd lost At the time, I'd lost a job. I'd been partying all weekend and I went to work and I did a line of coke in the toilet to try and bring me around because I'd been awake for 3 days at this point, I think. And I actually collapsed at my desk. I sat down and I collapsed. And the guy that owned the company that I worked for used to also be an ex-police officer. So he wasn't that easy to convince that I wasn't nearly overdosed or whatever it was. But I got fired from that job and I didn't look at me. reflect and go, oh God, this is my problem. I was like, oh God, he's a— he's an asshole. He should never have fired me. I've earned him more money than anybody else, and blah blah blah. I always looked at everybody else like they were the problem, um, rather than looking inwardly.
And then that's kind of progressing where it's like you can feel it becoming a problem. But you said you're using it consistently and you're at college. Now cocaine is a very expensive drug. Did it have a financial impact on you in that period?
Uh, not really, no. Mostly because I was friends and very good friends with a lot of people that dealt it. So it was pretty—
Right.
Very accessible. And most of the time, really didn't cost me anything. You know, I was working and everything as well. So, you know, I could afford cocaine, but not really anything else, which is where most of my money went as well. But yeah, there was times where, you know, there was loads of times where I'd go to parties and not particularly have to pay for it or anything like that. But yeah.
And then it progresses when you try ketamine. Can you just tell us that story and talk about what CK is?
Yeah, well, first of all, um, I moved back to London sort of when I was about 18, and 18, 19, and I guess I was still an addict, but I would, I would only use mostly at weekends, but I would definitely use all weekend, so it was a bit more manageable. Um, but then I went, I went back to Barnsley, and, um, I used to go back every so often, and, um, The people that I knew started taking ketamine, I think predominantly because it was cheaper, or so initially I thought. People had switched from cocaine to alcohol then, the group that I was in, so I just naturally sort of followed suit. And, um, the first time I tried it was, as I said, with cocaine and ketamine, and I never really felt that it affected me. Uh, like, me and my friend went to a house to do something, and, um, they gave us some ketamine. And, um, it sounds really bad, this, but we got back in the car And also the guy that was driving had also took CK, and we drove back into town to go out. And we were looking at each other going, I can't feel any— that didn't work. It was shit. He hasn't given us ketamine. It was, God knows what it was, flour or whatever. And yeah, so then we thought, we'll try it. But a lot of the people I hung around with then, they would use ketamine on nights out, but also they would have film parties and stuff like that. So we'd all go to a house, and we'd just take ketamine, and we'd watch a film. Um, and you could watch the same film 100 times on ketamine and it wasn't the same film.
Right.
And like, I'd wake up or come around and I'd be like, oh my God, I was— I'd watch a World War II film, I've just been fighting in Germany, or like, I killed Hitler. Um, like, it was every— and it was really, you know, it's a dissociative drug and it just completely— it takes you— you have no concept of reality whatsoever. And I think that's what I really liked about ketamine was the fact that I could take it All the voices that I used to argue with in my head would instantly shut up, or for a period of time anyway. And I just forgot about everything. I didn't care. It gives you a false sense of security where everything in the world is fine until you come back round and then you need more. And that's when it becomes a vicious cycle.
So what then? Can you just go in— can you first explain what CK is for the viewers?
Yeah, so CK is obviously cocaine and ketamine. There's obviously the pink cocaine thing, which all the celebrities seem to be bashing and using at the minute.
So what's the difference between pink cocaine and normal cocaine?
I think pink cocaine, sorry, I think it's got more drugs. It's got MDMA, and also sometimes there's fentanyl in it and stuff, which is, you know, all drugs are incredibly dangerous as well, but fentanyl, I guess, you know, there's much restrictive margins between death and life. You know, you can have too much of fentanyl. fentanyl and die, which is a massive killer, especially in America at the moment. But yeah, cocaine and ketamine sort of, you know, I tried it for a couple of weeks and I didn't really like it, so I just fully focused on ketamine. But then a lot of stuff changed in my life. I got, you know, I was introduced to more and more dodgy people. And at the time, I think I'd lost a job. And, you know, the guy used to buy ketamine off was like, you're buying quite a lot, you might as well just buy it and sell it as well. Which, to someone that takes ketamine, you know, it's a great job. You know, I can have all this money and free ketamine, and that sounds good. Um, so that's what I did. Um, and my life became more and more complex and complicated. But, um, what happened was I got really ill, um, like physically, because ketamine destroys like your bladder, um, can, you know, affect your kidneys also. Um, Your mental health, obviously, especially takes a huge toll with any drug. But ketamine has really severe implications inside as well. So I moved back to Ireland for a couple of years. I say I stopped taking drugs, I didn't. I think I used drugs maybe 3 or 4 times, but for a 2-year period, that's amazing. And I came back to England, moved back to Barnsley, and I got a job offer for this amazing company. Ironically, it just went bust the other day. It had nothing to do with me. But they kept me, it probably wouldn't have gone bust. But at the time, I had this amazing opportunity. And because I had a— I still have a criminal record that was to do with being involved in drugs and stuff. And I worked in the education sector, which probably isn't the best place for a drug addict to work, even though I was incredibly good at my job and I didn't directly work with children. I was a business development executive, so I was, you know, I worked with, I managed thousands of schools across the country, and that was my job. But I wouldn't do drugs at work, but I would do drugs pretty much every evening and weekend. And what I realised was, I got drug tested quite a lot because of my criminal record, but the drug tests that they tested me only tested for cocaine, ecstasy, cannabis, which I can't stand either, and alcohol. And they were drugs that I'd stopped doing. So instantly that told me, or my silly brain was like, ah, so ketamine is the drug that you should take from now on, like permanently, because you'll never get caught at work. And obviously at the time it was like, ketamine is good for me, um, it helps with my depression and all this crap. So yeah, I stopped taking any other drug apart from ketamine because not my employer wasn't enabling me to do it. Obviously they didn't want me doing that, but I knew that I could cheat the drug tests. Yeah.
How often are you taking ketamine at that— from this point?
At that point, um, every single weekend and most, you know, as soon as I finished work. And also I worked from home for the last 3 or 4 years of my career, which then resulted in me doing ketamine at work, which is obviously my office at home. Um, not all the time and not as much as I would use in the, you know, the evenings, but, um, I was easily snorting somewhere in the region of, I don't know, Um, maybe Henry, which is 3.5 grams to a quart, maybe a day. Uh, so between 3.5 to 7 grams a day. Uh, the weekends I could easily, you know, go through, um, an ounce at that point. But then in 2018, I was, I was made redundant, um, from my career, which I absolutely loved as well, by the way. I had, um, despite the addiction, you know, I had an amazing career and I learned so much through that. And I think being, at the time, being made redundant completely reinstilled the idea of, you know, you're shit, you're useless. Even your employers don't love you or you're not accepted. And it just brought up all this childhood, you know, all my childhood stuff that I had going on that I'd never resolved either. And in my worst days, you know, I could easily snort an ounce a day, not a problem, which was obviously 28 grams. And when I say that, everyone's like, you're chatting shit. But I wouldn't lie. It's not quite in line.
What are you getting from it?
Yeah, but initially, you know, when I first started taking ketamine, gram, which I think was probably not even a gram, it was like 0.8 or whatever, would last me and 2 of my friends like one night out on a Wednesday, and we still have some left on the Friday. And, and that, you know, it went from within that, you know, to within 6 months, you know, I would snort a gram in a taxi on the way to a nightclub, um, or I'd snort a gram while I was getting a shower easily. Um, you know, and I think the day I actually went to rehab Um, was the 2nd of November, 2018. And the day before, within that last 24 hours, I snorted an ounce and a quarter. So whatever is that, 30, 35 grams? And I also traveled to Glasgow, ironically the drug capital of Europe, which is where I went to rehab. Um, and I took cocaine within that 24-hour period. I didn't sleep. And I also traveled, I think, on like 3 trains from, from Doncaster to, um, to Glasgow. And I snorted All of that.
How much does like a habit like that cost?
Um, it— I was involved in, in dealing it back then, so it didn't cost me a lot. Um, you know, the kind of money that I was making, it was, it was nothing at all. You know, I could, um, easily afford it. But I think a gram— sorry, an ounce back then would, would have cost me about £70, like, in how I was buying it and stuff, or selling it and stuff. But, um, an ounce would back then, but when I was doing it, it was probably about £200, £250, um, which obviously, you know, when I wasn't dealing it or involved in it, that's what I was paying. Um, but yeah, when you deal it, you don't really think about that.
Interesting. And then how, how, like, the people around you, did they— did the people notice? The people who knew you, did they see— did they see a change in you?
Yeah, I think the people that I associated myself with who I would call friends. Yeah. Some of which I still speak to, some of which I try and support and help as best as I can as well. But ultimately, they need to do it, not me. I haven't got a magic wand that could— I wish I did, I'd be a billionaire, could make a lot of money from that and save the world, more importantly. But yeah, I think the people that You know, my mum definitely noticed a change. But then the thing is, you know, people that love and care for you, you isolate yourself from because you don't want them to see you, A, like that, and B, I think you sort of— well, you know, you feel guilty and ashamed to be around people that love and care for you because you're used to being in that sort of world where no one gives a shit about you apart from if they're buying drugs or selling drugs. So, I guess you sort of lose real friends and real people around you because you focus more on the group where it's socially acceptable to use drugs. You know, it's not— not— if, you know, if I got a gram of ketamine or whatever, you know, I started racking it up on a table, you'd think, God, this is fucking weird. But I was in an environment where if you wasn't doing that, it was weird. You know, I was in an environment that if you weren't ketty all the time, what was wrong? You know, if you were normal— Normal, if there's such a thing. But, you know, if you weren't off your tits, people were looking at you going, what's wrong? You know, what's up? Are you okay? Which is really such a weird thing to say, but, you know, if you weren't using drugs in the environments that I was in, people would question, like, are you all right? You know, and not, not when you're absolutely fucked, you know, dribbling in a corner. People are like, that's all right, that's Tom, that's what he's like. But, um, yeah, but yeah, it's, it's, yeah.
And what then was your low— before you went to rehab, what was your kind of lowest point in that period?
So I was officially made redundant, I think, in sort of April, um, 2018. And by the time I'd started to lose quite a lot of weight, I found out about my redundancy. And so I kind of expected the whole thing to happen anyway. And it wasn't just me, it was the whole department. But, um, I sort of knew about January time. So at that point, rather than being positive and thinking, you know, I can go and go and work for a competitor or do whatever, I actually just sort of wallowed in self-pity, which is what ironically most drug addicts do. And, um, I became very depressed, became very suicidal, um, even more to the point where I'd, you know, I had a couple of attempts and stuff. And I guess my lowest point was, you know, just before I went to rehab, you know, I weighed 6 stone, I was homeless, um, I'd lost literally half my body weight in a matter of months. I was really ill, um, I used to have ket cramps constantly, um, which anybody that has taken ketamine will know how awful That is. And, um, you know, my bladder was, was absolutely a mess. I was told by doctors that I would have to have my bladder replaced or removed completely and wear a bag. Um, I was told by doctors that if I didn't stop taking drugs and I didn't kill myself through suicide, that I would probably die through malnourishment. Um, and obviously through my addiction and just the, just the state that I got myself into. So yeah, my lowest point was you know, that, that period in 2018 where I was quite happy to die as well. I didn't— I wasn't scared to die. Um, and also, I actually wasn't scared to die until I had a son, because, because now I don't want to die. But, um, but yeah, so, um, you know, I wasn't scared to die, and I actually thought that if I died, everything would be better. The world would be a better place. My, my mum would be happier. My brothers would be better off. Um, you know, all the people I'd hurt and damaged throughout my addiction Maybe there might be a sense of forgiveness and an ease of pain for them as well. And ultimately, I felt that I would— if you're dead, you don't feel anything anymore. It's that simple. I actually wanted to die. So that was definitely my lowest point.
When was then the decision made for rehab? How did that come about?
So I gave myself 2 choices. And it came off the back of an argument with my mum. And she said something to me which is quite controversial, but also quite inaccurate as well. My mum said— we were arguing and I was off my head. And at this point I was incredibly thin and frail. And she said, I never raised you to be a junkie, which I find quite ironic because I was like, well, I'm not a junkie. I don't use heroin, which is quite a stupid thing to say.
Legalistic, I would say.
Yeah, I was like, well, your terminology's wrong. But also the fact that Well, you— I'm sure no one ever raises their kids to be drug addicts, right? But you raised me in the perfect environment, you know. Look at what I went through. Look at what you went through. That's not normal. Um, but for us it was the norm.
Mm-hmm.
But, um, there's also cognitive dissonance on my mum's side, you know. My mum thought that we had some amazing childhood, um, which I guess from a parent's point of view, you know, that's what you want. Um, but it wasn't the case for us, and that's fine as well, you know. It wasn't her fault. But also, it does help to have some acceptance, because without that, then you can't critically analyze your life and move forward. And for me, I gave myself— I was really angry after that argument, so I climbed back upstairs. I could hardly walk or stand up straight at this point. Racked up more lines of ketamine, and I thought, right, I'm actually gonna prove everyone wrong, and more importantly, myself. More importantly, myself. And I gave myself 2 choices, which was either I take my life that year, which would have been between Christmas and New Year, where everyone hasn't got a clue what day it is most of the time. And I thought— I planned my suicide for that particular reason because I thought, well, my parents, my mum— I don't have a relationship with my father, but my mum won't really notice me missing at that time because I'm never really around at Christmas and New Year anyway. They'll assume that I'm busy using drugs somewhere. So they'll not expect to hear from me. And also, it's where the world really doesn't know what day it is because they're all celebrating Christmas and getting ready for New Year. So for me, I planned to take my own life during that time. And then the second option, which was I sort it out. And I really sort it out. I don't run away back to London, or I don't run away back to Ireland or Zimbabwe or the moon, wherever, Mars. You know, I really tackle it head-on. Um, and I knew fundamentally, I knew that I had issues I needed to resolve. You know, some of the stuff that I've shared with you today I never shared until I went to rehab. Um, you know, I was 32 years old when I went to rehab, and I never told a soul about my childhood until then. So thankfully, and obviously, I chose the latter, which is how I'm still alive. Um, and I tried loads of different things. You know, I tried the 12 steps, I tried Um, therapy, which I also tried when I was a drug addict, and it never really helped. Um, I remember this woman I used to pay privately, and she used to— we used to do this grounding technique, and you root your feet into the floor and pretend you're a tree, which is really therapeutic. I get it now especially, but also when you're off your head on ketamine, it was like the best thing ever. But that's not what I was paying for. Um, you know, that was expensive as well. And, um, you know, she never— she had no idea that I would go into the bathroom and use ketamine and come out and Really get a kick out of what we were doing, but that wasn't helping. I actually went to the doctors and I had all these issues mentally and physically. And I cried my eyes out and I said, look, I need help. I am going to kill myself if I don't get help. What do I do? And it was the first time I actually spoke to a health professional. I broke down. I was in tears. I was angry and emotional. And I was like, look, I'm going to die. I don't need more medication. I need help. What the fuck do I do? And to this day, I still don't know if he was taking the piss or not, but he went, Google it. Which, I don't know if there's any professionals watching this, but you tell me if he was being sincere or not. I genuinely don't know. But also, it was the best thing that he ever said because I thought, fuck you, I will Google it. Yeah. So I went out into my car, snorted more ketamine, crying my eyes out. And, um, I Googled it and I, I looked for loads of like recovery services. And thankfully I found a, um, recovery service called Recovery Steps in Barnsley. And, um, I called them, asked for help, and I had to attend a meeting. So I went and attended that. I didn't stop using drugs just because I made a phone call or just because I had to go and see somebody. You know, I was still using drugs, um, prolifically. And I went and I spoke to someone. It was the first time I actually spoke to someone I felt listened to, and I actually felt like they get it. And not just because whether they or not they have lived experience as well, but actually it was the first time that someone sat down and I guess showed me any compassion and empathy, and also was quite straight talking as well. They were cruel in some of the stuff that they said, but also I needed to hear that. So what happened then was I had to keep a drug diary, and I had to go back to these meetings, which I would do 2 or 3 times a week. And I would turn up under the influence of ketamine. I would try not to use an hour before I had to attend so I could sort of function in some way, shape, or form. And I took it really seriously, which sounds crazy when you say I was still using drugs, but I took it seriously. And they saw some— I guess they saw something in me, some potential to change. Especially at that time, ketamine wasn't particularly well known about as well. So there was quite a lot of people that didn't really know what I was doing, or I had to explain to them, you know, the side effects, which was really strange. But, um, I got fast-tracked, and I was lucky enough to, um, receive some funding to get into rehab. And I don't know if you've ever seen The X Factor, but getting into rehab is like— it's like The X Factor. So I had to go for an audition, which is kind of like this. I was sat in front of a board, um, and I had to Share my story, you know, tell him what I would do if I went to rehab and why I need it. And I was really honest. I remember the first meeting, I said, look, if I don't get into rehab, I'll kill myself. And that's not a threat. I'm not trying to emotionally blackmail anybody, but this is serious. I'm at the point now is if I don't get into rehab, I'll kill myself. And it's that simple. And that's if I don't die from the state that I was in. And so I went through this meeting thing. And at the end, I was like, did I do well? Like, to my support worker, who is an amazing guy. And I was like, did I cry too much? Was I angry? Did I shout? You know, blah, blah, blah. And he was like, no, you were honest, you know, and that's all we want. And so they asked me back for a meeting the following week. And I was like, oh God, I've messed up, you know, like, I haven't, you know, they're going to tell me that I've not done it. And whatever. And went through it again. At the end, he went, right, he says, so you've got a difficult decision to make. And he says, you need to choose what rehab you want to go to. And I was like, what do you mean? So I looked at him and I was like, what? And I just looked at him and I literally just fell to the floor crying. And it was the first time that I'd ever really had hope. And going to rehab doesn't mean that you're going to beat your addiction, by the way. But even knowing that I had the funding to get into rehab was like an absolute weight lifted off my shoulders. And it allowed me the room I needed to actually focus on beating my addiction and coming to terms with everything that I'd been through. And also accepting that I also did a lot of damage during my addiction, not just to myself, but other people around me. And I had to really accept that I wasn't a good person. It doesn't mean I was evil or I was inherently bad, But I made a lot of stupid decisions, um, and I hurt a lot of people in that process. And, um, yeah, it was the first opportunity that I had where I actually saw some light at the end of the tunnel. So I picked to go to the drug capital of Europe, which was Glasgow, against the advice of my support worker as well, by the way. Um, and his term was, that's where you'll see proper junkies. Junkies is a word I hear all the time. Um, but he was like, no, that's where proper junkies go. You're only a ketamine like there's some hierarchical order of addiction, which there is, but there shouldn't be. And I was like, that's where I want to go. Like, that's where I need to— I felt like that's where I needed to be. So I went. Um, and rehab is not easy. You know, you don't go and hug trees and do loads of yoga, which ironically I also did during rehab. Um, but it was hard. You know, you have— I lived in a rehab with 29 other people, and it was all completely— I've never been to prison, but it's from what I've heard, it's worse than prison because, you know, you're locked up 24 hours a day. You have 24/7 support, which is amazing, but you also have to deal with everything that you've gone through. And as I said, you know, that was the first time I really shared about my childhood and spoke about it. And it was, you know, it was a brave thing to do, but also it's what helps you heal. And I'm not recovered, you know, just because I've been to rehab. I don't think I'll ever truly recover from what I've been through, but I'll certainly never use drugs or alcohol or anything, a substance again. But unfortunately, not everybody has the option or the opportunity or resources to go to rehab. But also rehab, unfortunately, has grim statistics as well, just like any other model of recovery. I was in rehab with, as I said, 29 other people. At least 20 of those people are dead today. And I still hear about people dying all the time. People relapsing all the time, people dying all the time. Unfortunately, the world of recovery isn't all positive either. So it's hard. People have this perception if you go to rehab and everyone gives you hugs every day, which also happens as well, but someone may wave a magic wand and you're healed. And that's not— I wish that was true. Rehab is tough. And it's not easy, but also it should be like that. It needs to be like that.
Going back a wee bit there, when you first found out you were going to rehab and you said you kind of collapsed on the floor crying when you found out, do you think you collapsed crying because that was the first time you felt someone had listened and had gone, okay, I'll help you?
Yeah. As I said, it was the first real time that I had hope of actually— I always wanted to get better, but I never really believed that would happen. despite my attempts or despite anything. You know, I always think that— I always thought I would die a drug addict. Um, and it was the first time that I'd ever had a glimmer of hope to getting better, you know. And they always used to emphasize, you know, just because you're going to rehab doesn't mean this is going to get any easier. Um, but it was the first time I had an option other than continuing to live the existence that I was living.
And then at rehab, obviously you're not taking drugs anymore. That kind of— you've obviously been on them for a long time. The withdrawal from that, what does that physically feel like?
So according to the people that work there, some of which are my friends still today, there's no such thing as withdrawal from ketamine. I can assure you that there is. I stopped, obviously not on the second— I went into rehab on the 2nd of November, but I was still heavily intoxicated on ketamine. So I don't really count my— well, I don't count my recovery until the third, which was the next day when I got up. And that's the first day in a long, long time that I'd ever got up and washed my face as opposed to snorting ketamine. And, um, yeah, um, the withdrawals, you know, mentally and physically, I was, you know, I would have ket cramps for months on end. You know, I was pissing constantly. I was passing blood and chunks of the lining of my bladder, which is— yeah, hopefully your breakfast is settled. But, um, you know, I would pass blood.
You said ket cramps there. What, what, what, what does it— can you describe to the viewers what, what does that feel like?
Like being stabbed. I've not been stabbed in the stomach either, but like the pain is excruciating. Um, you can't breathe properly. You, you have like hyperventilation because, because your stomach, especially there, like your diaphragm, you literally, you can't breathe. Um, I can't explain the pain, um, unless you've experienced it. It is the worst pain. Like, you could be kicked in the, in the bollocks and that would be nothing. Um, could even give birth and that. Yeah, that's not testing. Yeah, but like, my partner always says that. I'm like, honestly, wait to see if I get cat cramps. But, um, but yeah, she's also not a drug addict, which is amazing. So, um, yeah, unless you've experienced it, I, I can't explain, but it It is the worst pain I've— like, I used to get rushed into, into A&E all the time, and they instantly thought I'd been stabbed. You know, I'd be screaming, I'd be vomiting, couldn't breathe, and then I'd be put on more drugs, you know, morphine, which was great. You know, I'd be like, oh God, this is amazing. But, um, yeah, um, you know, the side effects of ketamine are, you know, detrimental to your, you know, your physical health as well. Um, Unfortunately, I know people today that still use ketamine, um, and they're wearing nappies and they're incontinent. And these people are in the, you know, late 30s, 40s. You know, I know people that are younger, um, and some of these people have polyamorous drug habits as well. So they're not just taking ketamine, they're taking other drugs as well. But that also increases, especially from, from what I understand, if you drink alcohol as well, you know, that, that ruins your bladder even quicker. Um, And once your bladder's gone, it's irreplaceable, it can't be fixed. And I think if I'd have got to that stage, I'd have just thought, what's the point in living anyway? Which I was already in that sort of mind frame. But yeah, ket cramps are horrendous. And also, have you ever seen The Green Mile, where he's trying to pee and he's screaming? Mm-hmm. Well, that was me for years, which is embarrassing as well if you have a My partner. You know, it was really difficult. You know, I couldn't stand up correctly. I couldn't stand up to pee. I'd have to sit in the shower and just try. And also, when I used to pass urine, it wasn't like a proper pee. I would just pass a few drops and I'd be screaming and squeezing for about an hour to get that. I would literally spend hours, if not most of my time, in the toilet to the point where I used to have to sit on a towel and stuff if I was driving or sitting down because I would piss myself. Thankfully, I don't think I've pissed myself today, so that's good. But a lot of that damage has reversed. I still have issues sometimes. I probably pee more than a normal person, but I'm not screaming or crying or passing blood or chunks or anything. So that's all good.
You said that you went to rehab because your mum and you had a fight.
Yeah.
And you were like, I'll show her, sort of like, was the kind of mentality? I think the words you used. And you said then about the doctor who told you to Google it, it was kind of, I showed— I'll show him, I'll do it.
Yeah.
Both of those kind of motivations come from a place of stubbornness. Yeah, I need to prove wrong. Is that— why do you think that was what was motivating the motivations? That was that.
Yeah, I wish it wasn't. I wish I had some epiphany and I was like, this is bad, I need to change my life. And, and I knew that anyway. Like, obviously every drug addict knows But it takes so much more than that. And for me, the catalyst was the argument with my mum. And also, there was a lot of self-realization as well. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew that I deserved a better life and I wanted a better life. I didn't know what that life would look like, but I knew it would be better than what it was and what it did look like at that point. So yeah, I've always been stubborn, which has sometimes worked to my detriment and sometimes to very
good
effect. This is a good kind of stubbornness.
Yeah.
But also, I've always been really resilient, regardless of— and I know that's hard to say that and be like, well, you can't be resilient when you were using copious amounts of drugs and trying to kill yourself all the time. But I've always been incredibly resilient and stubborn, which is good. But also, I wanted a better life, and that's that. I'd set myself on that, my mind on that.
And then you're, you're in rehab and you're coming off. Like, was your mum happy you'd gone to rehab?
Uh, well, there is a stigma obviously around addiction and also recovery. Um, you know, it's— to me, rehab should not be seen as, as a place of misery and pain. Um, you know, it certainly shouldn't be demonized or stigmatized by society either. Um, you know, if you broke your arm you went to the hospital and they put a pot on it and kept you in, people would be like, oh God, you broke your arm, that's bad, and show you some empathy and compassion. If you went, oh, I completely fucked my life up, I went to rehab, you're sort of ostracized already from society. And I remember when I told a few of my friends, actual normal people, so-called normal, I was like, I'm off to rehab. And one of them in particular is incredibly career-driven. I actually spoke to her the other day and she was like, what are you going to tell your future employers about the gap in your CV? I was like, I'm fucking 6 stone and nearly dead. Do you think I care about my next job? If I'm dead, there is no job, right? There's no nothing. It's very— that's it. Yeah. Do not pass go. That's it. It's very final. And I didn't give a shit about what my CV looked like. I didn't give a shit about having to explain any— all I gave a shit about was getting better. And I didn't care what that took or what I needed to do. And ironically, it became part of my now career anyway, where I do stuff like this. So, hopefully educate young people about the dangers of drugs as well. So yeah, it became, all my weaknesses then became my strengths now. I am the person I am today because of my addiction. Am I proud of that? No. Am I proud of all the mistakes that I made? No, of course not. I can't change it, you know. I can just try and live my life today in a much better way, um,
which
is what I do.
And so take us through now post-rehab, the kind of recovery journey and what that time's like and what happens.
Yeah, just quickly as well, I also refused a detox in rehab, which was the first person that the rehab had ever heard of doing that. So you obviously go to rehab, they give you more drugs, which is great, um, for a variety of different reasons. And I refused them all. So I went proper cold turkey, which is even better, I think. But yeah, I think— and I was in rehab for 6 months, 6 and a half months. And then I went to a place called Reentry, which was in a place called Postle, which is one of the most highly deprived areas of the UK, and where you see crime and addiction all the time. And I spent 9 months in there, which is like rehab. I refer to it as open prison. So you have to be back in at a certain time, but you can go out during the day and do whatever. And sometimes, unfortunately for some people, that means, you know, going take drugs again. Yeah, rehab is very, very hard. You know, reentry was probably even harder because there was more access to drugs and stuff and people, toxic people as well. But once I did all of that, there became a point where I knew I needed to leave that world of, I guess, being in a service. Because you can, you know, there's a thing called learned helplessness and you can become dependent upon a service or help and support. And sometimes you need to, you know, you need to take responsibility for yourself as well. And there was a point where I'd reached, and I knew, I was like, I need to leave this now because I've got everything that I need to do. I've, you know, I've picked up what I need, and I need to move forward and, you know, and go and do what I need to do. And
did you feel in control of it at that point?
Yeah, I realized the day I went to rehab that I would never use drugs again, regardless of whatever. And I'm sure I'll be tested. I have been tested. I've been in touch with people that have openly got drugs out in front of me and stuff, which is stupid, me meeting them in the first place, but also being around that. And sometimes I'll get an urge or a temptation to be like, I might have had a bad day or whatever, but fuck it, we'll fix all this. And that's just a stupid thought, but I don't act on it because I'm able to think, all right, so if you did that, what would you lose? Which would be everything. I'd hurt my son, my partner, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I'd probably be dead within a matter of months. And I'm like, is it really worth it? You know, is it? It's not. So, um, and I'm abstinent. Um, I don't follow a 12-step program. I'm actually quite against that whole thing. Um, I'm— I don't believe addiction is a disease. Um, it's a very complex and multifaceted issue, a societal issue. Um, but it's not a disease. And, and I could talk for hours and days about that. But, um, but yeah, I know what works for me, and that's pretty simple. And, you know, I, I'm now at university. I've gone back to uni, which was Sorry, I've gone back. I never went to uni. And it was always something that I always had ambitions of doing. And I'm the first family member to go to university. Some of them take the piss out of me for it still. But, and I go to quite an elitist institution, I go to the University of Glasgow, which is quite a prestige university. And I fit in. I don't necessarily fit in, but like, I'm capable of the academic stuff. I'm capable of working in a group. I'm capable of being around normal people and fitting in. Yeah. I guess I'd do all the stuff that I regretted not doing when I was younger. And I think I make much more of an opportunity of it now, as opposed to— if I'd have went to uni when I was 18 or whatever, like the normal route, I'd probably use drugs and been kicked out like I was at college. So it wouldn't have changed anything. But thankfully, I managed to turn, I guess, my whole story and journey into a career. Which not everyone does. Um, so for me, it's very easy to speak about. Well, it's not necessarily easy, but I'm— I have the capacity to speak about it and do things like this. Um, which reminds me of how useless and shit my life was as well, but also how grateful I am for what it is today. Um, there's a lot of people that will go to rehab and go back to the job and never speak about it again, and that may or may not work for them. But for me, I sort of live and breathe it as well, which makes it easier, I think, and harder sometimes.
In that journey of recovery, what's been the hardest thing?
Not using drugs, ironically.
That's a very fair answer.
Yeah, especially— sorry, I didn't mean to be facetious. Drugs are so readily available in our society, in Glasgow in particular, You know, as many fast food chain restaurants as there are, it's quicker to order drugs than it is a pizza. And that's a— that's an actual fact, um, which is constantly thrown about in Parliament. But, um, yeah, um, we live in a society where rather than dealing with actually what's going on, it's much easier to take a substance to deal with the pain, um, which is also inherently wrong, which is why the world is as it is. But we live in a society where we're governed by consumerism. So rather than having an issue and thinking, oh, do you know what, I'd actually like to speak to someone about this or address it, it always goes to the doctors and here's— well, not Valium anymore, but here's diazepine or all the different drugs. And we provide, you know, the whole— it's become industrialized and, you know, the whole medical thing. And nothing really treats anything better than a holistic approach, you know, being outdoors. And I know it sounds all very hippie what I'm about to say, but being having, I guess, social capital and using the resources that you've got around you to go out and enjoy life. We live in a society that we don't talk about how alcohol is used so much as it is. And that's a drug, but we don't really look at that as a drug. And obviously addiction and also recovery is heavily stigmatized. I do stuff like this all the time, and if you read some of the comments, it's awful what people say to me. But thankfully, I don't really look at it too much anymore, but I talk about an area that's so demonized and stigmatized because we blame the individual for the addiction. And as I said, it's a multifaceted issue. It's not just the individual's fault. Yes, I chose to take drugs, but also I chose to take drugs because I didn't have any other option. Mm-hmm. I didn't know I could go to therapy or I could talk to someone about it. I didn't realize that I could talk about my— I didn't even know what an adverse childhood experience was or trauma or suffering. I didn't know what any of those things were. So there's a lack of education around addiction and obviously recovery as well. But yeah, I chose to use drugs, but morally it wasn't the decision that I chose lightly.
So I've only got 10 minutes left here, so I'm going to ask 3 questions here. Keep the answers a little bit short, just for time on this one. The first thing, I know you just said you could talk about this for hours, so this is going to be hard, but you said there you don't think addiction is a disease. That's not how you view it. How do you view addiction then?
Addictions, I guess it's a societal failure where people would rather choose to use a substance or take a substance than dealing with the underlying issues. And also, as I said, we live in a consumeristic society where we always have to do something or take something to feel better. A lot of people don't have access to certain resources, whether it be education, whether it be community, whether it be family and friends. You know, people growing up in abject poverty, which I think, statistically, if you grow up in a poorer area, you're 17 times more likely to become a drug addict. That's just because of where you were born or where you've grown up. That's not your fault. You know, it's a societal problem. I definitely don't believe I was born with some hereditary set of DNA that determined that I was gonna be a drug addict. But I did grow up in the right environment that made me believe that I was worthless and useless. And the only way I could find out, the only way I could find any healing at that point was to use drugs to take me all away from it. And there's loads of ways we could tackle it, education being vital. I think we need to teach young people about the severity of using drugs. But more importantly, not really talk about the substances, but talk about why people choose to use drugs. Because I think if you can understand that, then when you're in that situation yourself, you can make a more informed decision.
Great answer. Thanks. And then obviously, we spoke earlier, your dad was an addict.
Still is.
Still is an addict. And you've no relationship with him
now.
No. And then you were an addict and now you have a son. Do you feel a sense of pride in the fact that you've broken that cycle, that there's not like, at least you're not raising a child in that environment?
Yeah, um, yeah, uh, yeah, I'm— yeah, sorry, I'm emotional now. But, um, yeah, I never thought I'd be a father. I never wanted to be a father, um, and not because I was scared of kids or the responsibility, but more I, I didn't want to fuck their lives up like, like mine was. And, um, you know, I never decided to have a child to test that theory, um, it just happened. And, um, You know, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me, other than, you know, sorting my life out. You know, I understand that I have the capacity to fuck his life up. You know, I could ruin his life easily, very easily, without even being a drug addict. You know, I can make the wrong decisions and ruin his life. So I have a great deal of responsibility. But as long as I love him and I cherish him and I, you know, I allow him to fail, but in a safe, you know, in a safe environment, You know, all I really— and I think all any parent wants to do is to raise their children to be loved and cared for. And as long as I do that, you know, I think he'll have a much better opportunity at life than I did. And that doesn't mean that he won't grow up and take drugs either, by the way. You know, I understand that when he grows, you know, when he's older— he's nearly 2 now— you know, when he's 16, 17, 18, I dread to think what society is going to be like then. You know, I dread to think of how accessible drugs will be then as well. And also, by that point, drugs might even be legal. Will he be in a situation where he is confronted by using drugs? Probably. But hopefully, he'll have had the best life ever that he understands that he doesn't need to take drugs, and especially not to run away from any pain or suffering. And hopefully, he can come and talk to me about it, and I'll kill him. If you're ever watching this when you're older, Sebastian, just be careful. But yeah, I won't kill him, but I'll lock him up.
But yeah, hopefully, he'll—
Yeah, you'll know better than I did.
And then my last question is, is that if there's someone watching this video right now who feels like they are sliding into losing control, or they feel like they are an addict, what would you say to them?
Just believe that you can do it. Um, I had no belief ever at all. I didn't believe that I deserved a good life. I didn't believe that I would be anything other than a drug addict. And I also believe that a lot of people go, oh yeah, bags of potential and he wasted it, which is ironically what they say about my father. And yeah, you just need to have the belief that you can do it. And if I can go from being a 6-stone addict that wanted to die, that was happily seeking his own death, to now turning his life around, having a beautiful family, yeah, you can. And no, I'm not just saying you need to have a family to fix everything. For me, having a family sometimes made it worse because it also brings up a lot of the trauma that I went through and how careful I have to be not to pass that on. But yeah, just have the belief that you can do it and have hope. There's millions of people around the world that have beaten their addiction. You can do it. There's nothing that I've done that's special. And I mean that. And there's nothing that I've done that they can't do. So yeah, reach out and speak to someone. Go and ask a doctor and he'll tell you to Google it and all your dreams will come true.
And then that was all my questions. Is there anything more that we haven't covered in this interview you think we should have covered for someone watching at home?
Um, I guess no, not really. Um, obviously ketamine in particular has over the last few years been on an astronomical rise, um, amongst especially, um, you English, the UK society. I blame probably lockdown for a lot of that. A lot of people I speak to used or started using during lockdown and just haven't stopped. Also, I know a lot of people that used way before lockdown that was using drugs all the time. But a lot of younger people now have lived through stuff that we never lived through during mine or your generation. I think we live in a world today that is far more interconnected than ever. But as a species, we're probably the furthest connected to each other than we've ever been. We can pick up a phone and talk or speak to anybody anywhere around the world, but we lack a real true sense of human connection. And that's scary when you think of that. And I think especially with young people, because of the price of ketamine and because of, as I said, the dissociative effects of ketamine, It's very easy to take drugs, especially ketamine, and be quite lonely and isolated. Ketamine especially is not a social drug. So it's very easy to fall into that cycle. It's very easy to get access to and use as well.
Well, great. Thanks very much for joining us today. It was amazing to hear your story and how much you've managed to get through this period, which is— I don't know how you managed. I could not do it. You could. But thank you for coming here.
You're welcome. Thank you very much.
