David Kessler lost his own child and learned that grief experts don't understand parental loss until they live it. He tells therapists and friends to listen without judgment, stop measuring progress, and never pretend to know the pain unless they've been there.
I'm David Kessler. I've been doing this work for decades. And here's what I know. I thought I knew everything about loss as a grief specialist until my own child died. After that, I wanted to write everyone I'd ever talked to, every parent, a letter saying I didn't know how bad the pain was. Whether you're a therapist, a coach, a family, a friend, no one knows the reality of pain from the inside unless you're there yourself. People would say to me, "Oh, I can't imagine." I would go, "You don't have to. I'm right here. What do you want to know?" And in those moments, sometimes they were thinking of their own loss, of their own children dying. If you know someone whose child has died and you still think they're not doing well and it's been a long time, be kind and be aware of the subtle ways you might be judging that they're not more further along. What if you just love them? And listen to them, right where they are. Is there a moment in your grief someone missed your pain?
