Grief specialist David Kessler explains why "everything happens for a reason" fails people in pain. The phrase tidies up loss and avoids the randomness of grief, offering false safety when the reality is plain horrible. Kessler argues grief is chaotic and cannot be neatly packaged.
Hi, I'm David Kessler. I'm a grief and loss specialist, and I've been doing this work for decades. Here's what I know. Does everything happen for a reason? Someone said this to me once after my loved one died, and I've never forgotten it. Everything happens for a reason. I was like, really? What do you got? I could use a good reason. Otherwise, it just feels dismissive, like you're telling me it was meant to be. It's often a people's way of trying to tidy up the pain. But grief isn't meant to be tidied up with a neat bow. Grief is messy. People often desperately search for a reason because it feels safer than just facing the randomness of loss and death. The reality is, loss happens in life, and sometimes it's just plain horrible. And we don't talk about how uncomfortable it makes everyone else feel. But if we have to deal with the uncomfortableness of the losses in our life, So does everyone else. I'm curious, how did others react to the losses in your life? Did they tell you everything happens for a reason?
