https://www.listennotes.com/e/912c5c5fc8d143e3ad88877cb8660b3f

Hey, James here. Got some news for you. My book is now available for pre-order. That's right, in the show notes, you can go and pre-order it today. And if you do, I'm going to give you some incredible free bonuses. Head over to thehabibook.com that's thehabibook.com to pre-order yours today. Welcome to the Lead on Purpose podcast. I'm James Lachlan, former seven-time world champion and now coach to entrepreneurs, CEOs, professional athletes all over the world. This show is for people who refuse to settle, people who are driven, people who want to grow, who know that there's so much more to learn and want to learn from the world's best. Each week I bring you insights from a special guest who's at the top of their game, whether they're in Formula One, whether they're a billionaire, whether they've started a company from scratch and ticket to the top. I bring them to you so that you can rewire your mindset, take action and lead a A life of purpose. Let's get started. Today we have special guest Joe Smarro. Joe is an American veteran and has went through some unbelievable highs and lows in his life. Trigger warning, we do talk about depression and suicide in this episode. And we're gonna talk about leading with vulnerability, empathy and absolute raw honesty. I hope you enjoy the show. The Lead On Purpose podcast is sponsored by NZ Mortgages. Learn more at nzmortgages.co.nz. Joe, a huge welcome to the Lead on Purpose podcast.

Thank you, James. It's an honor to be here. I'm really looking forward to the conversation.

Me too. I mean, the work that you do is just phenomenal. And you're truly global with your impact. And I just wanted to try and get a bit of time to sit down with you and learn more about where you're taking it. And I guess more importantly, why you're doing what you're doing. So I think that people that are on a mission that put themselves Up on stages, in front of audiences, and in front of global audiences on podcasts as well, I think it takes a lot of courage. And often behind that, there's a deep reason why they're so driven and so courageous to do so. Joe, what's behind why you're doing what you're doing?

James, first of all, I just want to say that in looking into you and doing some research on you as well, I just saw your speaker sizzle reel on YouTube and it was powerful. But I remember you were walking out to the stage and you were talking about the jitters that you felt in the excitement, but you tied it to the fact that it's because it matters. And so that resonated with me when I heard that because, you know, as someone that's very comfortable speaking now, 'cause I do it almost weekly, I still get those like pre-performance jitters where I'm like, why am I nervous right now? But it's because I truly, truly care. The mission for me, the vision of our company is to, its full stop is to eradicate suicide. Now, I go deeper because in business they always talk about like have your niche. And so our thing is I would love to see a calendar year before my death where we have zero suicides specifically in first responders. And because as a Marine Corps combat veteran, and as a former police officer, the first responders are my primary target focus, but it's really people. And if I had to be even more specific, I remember when I was writing the book and the publisher was like, who's your target audience? And men is something that I think resonates mostly with me because, and I'm not super familiar with how it is there in New Zealand with your culture, James, but I can tell you in the States, the Western culture for men, and it's probably the same there, but it's not a very open, welcoming community for men to share what's coming up for them, to share their feelings, to express themselves as being anything other than either happy or angry. And as someone that really focuses on that, how do we level up our emotional intelligence? It's about understanding the wide range of emotions that exist for all people. and how do we explore those? How do we pursue those instead of how do we avoid them? And as someone that, and I'm happy to get into it naturally through conversation, but I've been suicidal since really I was 15 years old. A lot of childhood trauma and as someone that's sat there in the darkness contemplating staring at the other end of my gun thinking that the world would be better without me, my family would be better without me, I'm not worthy of tomorrow. You know, I've realized through a lot of work over 15 years now of consistent work that I am worthy of tomorrow. And so is every one of your listeners. So are you. And I really think that if we could just understand how important we are, how much we matter, how much of a miracle we are that we're even born into existence, that we are worthy of tomorrow. And if we can just find that spark or that thing of hope that keeps us holding on, then it's always worth it on the other side.

Your work is so important. And here in New Zealand, we've got the highest teenage suicide rate in the OECD. And, you know, it's very heavily weighted towards males and certainly post 65, our stats go up as well. I worked at a school and, you know, at that school, there was probably close to 10 suicides in the time that I worked there alone. This year alone, I've lost two friends here in Christchurch to suicide. It's everywhere and it's truly, I would say, our biggest epidemic globally. However, there doesn't seem to be anything that's slowing it down. So I think the work that you're doing is crucial. There was a gentleman I spoke to a number of years ago, Dr. Warren Farrell, who wrote the Boy Crisis. He consults to the White House on boys and men's health. And he said, Look, James, you've spoke with your prime minister and your prime minister of New Zealand said that it was social media bullying, drug addiction or abuse, and sexual abuse in the home. Those were the key reasons that they were finding there was such a high suicide rate. He said, I disagree with your prime minister. Those are secondary factors. He's like, number one factor. The number one outlining factor is the lack of a present male role model for a young man. And he says, that's the defining factor and that shoots things through the roof. So, would you mind if we talked a little bit about your childhood and about how suicide and these ideations have been a part of your life? What drove that?

Yeah, and I just want to say that I agree with the doctor. And just to make a quick parallel, in 2019, I was in New York City at the, it was the Police Officer Suicide Prevention Symposium, and there were 350 leaders from around the world, not just the states there, talking about how do we fix this, how do we improve this? And one of the commissioners stood up and he said, you know, what we're finding is, All of our suicides are tied to relationship issues. And I wanted to stand up and run through a wall because just as the three things you outlined from your prime minister, we get distracted by behaviors. And all human behavior is communication, right? Bullying is communication. Everything, every human behavior is a communication. And too often we get distracted by these behaviors instead of being curious as to the thing driving those behaviors, which is usually coming from a place of lack. And again, a lack of community, a lack of support, a lack of a male dominant role model, which I'll tell you, James is a 43 year old man, still something lacking in my life. My father died many years ago. We were not close growing up, a lot of abuse, which I'll talk about right now, but I still, as a 43 year old man, I'm searching for that male role model that doesn't, you know, just, that's not just impressed by the business that I've created, that isn't impressed by what I can do or what I have and then doesn't want to be on the take of that, but just wants to be a steady presence in my life to guide me and to coach me and mentor me because they see the value in me as a human being and as a man, not as a widget to perform something. So the long and short of it is, you know, my parents married very young, straight out of high school. I have a sister who's three years older than me. I still, with 15 years of treatment, have no memory or recollection prior to seven years old. when my abuse first started. And we were stationed down in Virginia. My dad was in the Navy and he was away on a six month Mediterranean float. And my mom had an affair and that male that she was having an affair with was coming to the house routinely and he started sexually abusing me. And this went on for some time. And I remember telling my mom at some point like, Hey, you know, Steve's doing this and making me do this. And you know, her response was, hey, we don't say those things. Now, as a seven-year-old kid, you can't process something like this. And, you know, I genuinely have a belief that people are doing the best they can with what they have based on what they know. I've learned to forgive my mother. I I truly believe she didn't want to believe that this man that she clearly, that she clearly cared about would do something like this to her children because he was giving her something that was missing. And so I don't think that, you know, she didn't listen to me out of malice. I don't think she wanted me to be hurt, but I think her own selfish desire kind of maybe masked my outcry. And so the reason my work in de-escalation and training on human behavior matters so much is because of what happened next. Because the abuse continued, I don't know, close to eight years old, but it was a weekend, it was during the day, my sister was in the bathtub, my mom was sleeping on the couch and she used to be a smoker. And I went into her purse, I grabbed a book of matches, I went into my bedroom, shut the door and I laid underneath my bed and I was trying to set my bed on fire and I'd light a match and it would go out. I didn't know mattresses were flame retardant. And so I kept trying, kept trying and eventually the fabric caught fire. And I panicked and I rolled out and I went and banged on the bathroom and got my sister out, woke up my mom, we ran outside and, you know, the base fire department showed up very quickly. And it wasn't catastrophic. It didn't burn the house down, but it certainly burnt my bed, it charred the floor and like part of the wall. And I'm standing outside with my mom and sister, not really realizing the severity of what I had done. But this fireman, you know, God bless him. I hope he had a great career in life. But again, back to my statement, he came up to me real aggressive and gave me what we call the knife hand and was just real aggressive saying, Young man, if you ever start another fire again, you'll spend the rest of your life in prison. Do you understand me? And I was like, Whoa, I don't want to go to prison. So I started crying and I tell people when I'm doing my seminars, I say, Hey, pause right here. this is where I wish that that fireman had just graduated one of our trainings where we talk about focus on the person, not the problem. Right? People's problems are what give us permission to have our purpose. That fireman wouldn't have been doing anything if it wasn't for me creating a problem. And so instead of him being frustrated and threatening me, he could have slowed down and said, well, wait a minute, all behavior is communication. So what is this kid trying to communicate? And if he would have pulled me to the side, and I don't know that I would have made an outcry, I get now that Sometimes kids will protect their abusers because they don't want to create trouble and chaos. I don't know, but I just, in hindsight, wish that the opportunity was given to me so that I could have maybe had the opportunity to have that helping hand, but instead of him offering me help or hope, he threatened me. And because my mom and Steve weren't smart enough to make the correlation, the abuse continued. At some point, my sister called our grandmother up in New York. my dad's mom telling her what was going on. This is like 1989. She somehow calls my father, tells him what's happening. He's then given emergency leave, flies home, and all hell breaks loose. I remember, you know, my parents getting divorced. We moved up to New York to live with family. I didn't go to school my third grade year. I got held back because I was in therapy three days a week. I was in and out of court. My parents fought for custody. My mom had no chance, really. She ended up marrying our abuser. and, you know, she had a kid with him. So I have a half brother from my abuser, which has been very difficult as well. And, you know, I, I love my brother Larry, and he's a great guy, but it's just, it's been hard, right? And so my ideas of safety and love and relationships were just totally stripped from me. And my dad learned in a very short window that his wife was cheating on him. His kid has been molested, and he got kicked out of the military with, like, 10, 12 years, and I don't remember exactly. And so he became a heavy, heavy drinker. He was an alcoholic, but also worked a lot. And so he was physically abusive. I never really saw him. And we had no real relationship except for violence. And the same thing, he got into three more relationships after my mom. Every single one of them ended up physically abusing me. They all openly cheated on him. And so this idea that relationships or love was a real thing was just so foreign to me to where in my adult life, I would sabotage anything good. And my vice became relationships. It became women. That was my heroin or alcohol or pills or opiates or, you know, I say that we all have an addiction to something, even if it's TV or screens or the gym or food. We have something. And because I didn't trust that relationships would ever last or that love could be a real thing, and truly, James, I didn't think I was worthy of it. Right? Like my self-worth was so low that I was convinced that I did not deserve to be loved. And so I made sure that that was the case by disrupting every personal or intimate relationship that I had, friends and intimate partners and otherwise, you know, just I would work really hard to make my life as hard as possible because that was just feeding the belief, that confirmation bias, which is I'm not worthy of anything good. So let me continue to rock this boat of my life so that it can stay in a state of chaos because that's where I thrive. And it wasn't until I went to the veteran affairs over 15 years ago now and just learned that trauma is a real thing. And the wild part of the story, James, is that you fast forward, I'll go back to the story real quick because I want it to make sense. My junior year of high school, there was so much violence, so much just fear that I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. And so I left home, I started staying with friends. My girlfriend, 9th grade, 10th grade and 11th grade, her parents took me in and said, Hey, you can start staying here towards the end of our junior year. And I was like, oh, thank goodness, you know, but I didn't have a job. And so I'm like, How can I thank them? And then I was like, and this is a joke listeners of Lead on Purpose, this is a joke. But I was like, oh, I know, I'll get their daughter pregnant. That'll be my gift to them. And it clearly was not intentional, but my senior year, I became a father. And that's why I joined the Marine Corps. It wasn't for any other reason. I wanted to go to college and play soccer. That was my escape. But because I became a father, now it was like, well, I obviously can't go to school. That doesn't make sense. So I joined the service, and that was in the year 2000, pre-9/11. So I joined specifically to help raise my daughter to make sure she had insurance. And then 9/11 happened. I find myself in a combat zone as a 19-year-old kid, and just trauma compounding on trauma. And then I get out, survive it physically, not mentally, emotionally, psychologically. And then I become a police officer and I joined the San Antonio Police Department. And that's where it just kicked into high gear of realizing that, man, I am a victim of my own life. I'm a passenger on my own life. I've given complete control of everything away. And I joined a mental health unit on the police department. It was this Progressive, first of its kind, nationally recognized thing. and I'm on a mental health unit as a massive hypocrite showing up every day telling people, just take your medicine, go to the doctor, follow your treatment plan, and you won't have to deal with the police. And then I'd go home addicted to pornography, drinking way too much, just trying to sleep, going through a divorce. By the time I was 30, I already had three divorces and, you know, just a mess of a human. But it wasn't until I took ownership and realized that the common denominator in all this was me. and I had to learn to forgive my parents. I had to learn to forgive myself. I had to learn to forgive anyone that ever hurt me, including my abuser, because I learned the power of forgiveness and that when we hold it, we're essentially voluntarily holding that poison. And so once I learned to free all that, I'm not gonna say it was easy, but it started to change things in my life. And again, 15 years later, it's still a work in progress, but I'm actively committed to healing my traumas, Learning about the way my brain operates, believing that I am worthy, that I do deserve love and respect and kindness, and that also that I can give it. And it doesn't have to be transactional and it doesn't have to be based in fear. And so that's the journey I'm on now because of the darkness I've been in, for the light that I'm currently experiencing, the bliss that I have now with this business and getting the life that I've created. Now it's like, man, I want to bring other people on this journey with me. and I want to help them navigate their dark moments because on the other side of it, I think is where it's contagious, right? It's contagious when you can give people that experience when they go from hopeless and despair to like joy and bliss and excitement and exuberance for life and not just like dreading the next day but actually looking forward to it because you get to do something that you're excited about. And again, like you said in the name of your show, but to not just lead on purpose but to live on purpose. And that was a huge shift for me.

Hey, James here. I wanted to take a quick moment to let you know about something. Look, I get asked to deliver keynotes and workshops for teams and companies all over the world, from London to Antarctica, from America to Australasia, from armies to small businesses, to large corporates, to sports teams. But I go in and deliver keynotes. around the mindset of high performers, around the habits of high performers, about how we navigate change. If you would like me to come and speak to your team or speak at your conference or deliver a bespoke workshop, please get in touch with my team, caroline@jjlachlan.com will be able to help. I'll also make sure that we put that in the show notes. Joe, thank you for sharing this. I just think it takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to go and share everything about your upbringing, your trauma, your abuse. And I'm sorry that you had to actually experience that as a kid. I've got an eight-year-old boy and I can't imagine him having to experience even a fraction of what you've experienced. And for you to be able to do that and to kind of shine a light on the fact that this stuff does happen and that it does have lasting impact. I mean, I really deeply appreciate that. I'm glad you explained about the military and the Marine Corps. For you, it wasn't necessarily you were going there because of what happened as a child. You were going there because you felt responsible. I'm responsible for a child. I need to go and earn. I often see people who've been abused, particularly males, move towards gangs, crime, or the military. And it's like they're moving in either direction. It sounds like that wasn't the driving force for you, what happened in childhood, but more so a sense of, hey, I'm responsible for this child. So you go to over to Afghanistan and Iraq.

Both. Yes, sir. Both.

Okay. So I can only imagine what that's like. So I imagine there's things that happened there that. would inform the work that you do now around compassion and de-escalation. In fact, I imagine they're probably at odds with each other to some degree. So, when you think of being at war over there as a 19-year-old, a kid?

Yes.

What's something that comes to mind that really has stuck with you, that it has inspired you to go, no, I've got to do the right thing here. I've got to work on compassion and de-escalation.

Yeah, I love this question. And it was the first day, so March 19th, '03 is when President Bush gave the orders that we're going to go into Iraq from Kuwait. We have been there since January. And we have been told numerous times, we're going in. All right, nope, we're not, we're going home. But we're going in. Talk about psychological warfare from our own people, from our own leaders of, you know, just not knowing what was what. And, probably six times in a 60 day window, we were told pack up, we're leaving to go back to the states. And then, oh, no, no, unpack, we're gonna invade tomorrow. And I remember when they told us we were going in, we were so numb to it that we were just like, we're not going. Like, there's no way we're going. They just keep saying this. And then we were loading up into these Amtrak vehicles and we were going. I was like, whoa. And the first night into the next morning was the thing that stuck out most to me of all things. And there were a lot though. I mean, there was a, one of the in our unit ended up taking his life over there. And, you know, our sergeant actually died over there. There was a lot of things that that was terrible. But that first push, I remember really quickly I learned something that's kind of similar in a different sense within policing, which I think is a cultural issue in our country, is when we were we were in these Amtrak vehicles for hours. The tops were closed. We couldn't see anything. There's like a red light in the front, like you're just chugging along. It's loud. It's just dark. and then we come to a stop and they tell us all to get out. We get out and I can see, you know, a couple miles up ahead tracer rounds. And there's clearly some action going on. And they told all of us that we were enlisted to get out of the Amtracs, these armored protected vehicles. And they were going to put us in these like soft back Humvees that had no protection. And they were putting the officers into the Amtracs. And so I was like, oh, we're disposable. like that. When you're enlisted, you're far less important. And that right away hit me. But I didn't have anything to compare it to. And I'm like, okay, so then we. We have our first engagement. Poor communication. Shocking, right? Just has had, as it had been. We were told, do not do anything to the West because that's friendlies. Only focus on the East. And we're passing through this Village, and we're do. We're going super slow. It's just a convoy. like foot off the gas, just idling, moving at the speed of the Humvee in neutral. And I remember we had a gunner on top of our Humvee and it's just, it's you hear stuff, but you don't know and you got night vision and and then the gunner just kind of starts shooting. I'm like, I don't know. And I'm a right-handed rifle. They never trained me how to shoot from the passenger seat of a vehicle of my left arm. So I'm like, already this is unique. And so I'm like, I don't know what's going on. And then our convoy stops. and I'm like, what is happening? Because we're in, like, a firefight and our Convoy is stopping. Now, I don't know anything about military warfare at this time, but they don't teach us this stuff. We just know find an enemy, kill an enemy. But I'm, in my mind, I'm like, why don't we just drive fast? Like, let's, like a drive-by let's just get through this. But they're like, nope, we have to do the takeover. But what they didn't tell us was that 3-1, which is another unit of Marines, had already started clearing. to the east. And now we're effectively shooting them in their backs. And we had no idea. So their colonel comes out, stops our convoy, like, what the hell are you doing? Who's in charge? I, from what I recall, a couple of them did get shot. I have no idea on condition, but they had to get medevaced out. So right away, I'm like, what are we? No one knows what's happening. And then that morning, the sun came up and we're driving along and just to see the carnage, Will never leave me. It looked like Hollywood fake just to see decapitated bodies burnt people onto vehicles, people just shredded in half. And the one thing that sticks out more than anything and something I did a lot of work on with therapy was this young boy. I can see him. You know, it's, I talk about this in the documentary that, that I'm in called Ernie and Joe Crisis Cops. But I see this boy and he's in the street. to be able to help him. And we're moving along very slowly, but I see him face down and I assume he's dead. But then right as we pass, he kind of like props himself up and he just looks and we just peer right into each other's eyes. But he's missing half his head. And now obviously I'm not a doctor, I'm a kid. I don't know anything about anything, but the fact that he was moving, I'm like, well, we can help this kid. So I'm like, hey, hey, Corman, Corman, Corman, calling for a doctor. Like, we can help this kid, let's get him. And the response, destroyed me. The response of like, F that kid. He's going to grow up and be one of them. We're not stopping. This is part of it. And I'm like, where am I? And I do not want to be here. I don't belong here. Like, this is not what I signed up for. I don't want to do this. And so I tell people, I'll never be the combat veteran that like claims to be a hero. I did what I had to do to survive it. And that's been most of my life. But it wasn't fun for me. It wasn't enjoyable. It didn't feel patriotic even, like we're invading another person's country. And to see the death to women, to children, like, and the reason that that haunted me for almost a decade. And through my work in therapy, I think the thing that caused that situation to stick out more than anything my therapist revealed to me was because I was that kid. I was that kid asking for help. and when I was asking my mom for help, for example, and she just kind of was like, no, that's not going to happen. I was trying to be a lifeline for this kid and no one cared. And so I was reliving something subconsciously that I wasn't even aware of. And to me, this is why, like, yes, when we teach de-escalation to First Responders about how to deal with the mental health crisis, I tell them, hey, don't get distracted by the fact that, like, oh, that's just a mental health call. No, if you're a parent, as you shared, James, that you are of an eight-year-old Right? If you're a parent, this applies to you. Understanding that when your kids do something egregious or they're angry, just remember that anger is the mask of depression. When your kids act out and they're stomping and slamming doors and throwing things, it's probably because they're not in an environment where they feel okay to say that they're sad. So instead they become frustrated because their emotions are bottling up and now they're gonna implode. But people react to that and they punish it and they're like, you,'re grounded or, you know, they make it worse by yelling at them instead of just slowing down taking a breath and we have our model of de-escalation. I call it the CCRTC, which is curiosity leads to connection, which develops rapport, builds trust and ultimately gains compliance. And I break this down into like, what is curiosity? Curiosity is focusing on the person, not the problem. Curiosity is asking yourself, what else could be true? It forces you to slow down so you don't react impulsively. Connection is about relationship. It's about reciprocity. Right? I gave a TEDx talk titled I See youe. I would encourage your listeners to watch it on YouTube. But it wasn't about one way, right? It's not like, Hey, hey, James, I'm here with you and I see you. You're a podcast host, you're a seven-time world champion leader, you're all this stuff. But it's like, Hey, also, I want you to see me in return. It's about relationship. And then that's the connection. And then rapport is about dialogue. And there's a science, like, I'm a trained certified host's negotiator. So it's using the science of effective communication and active listening, leveraging Dr. Morabian's theory, the 80 20 rule, like the science of how to effectively engage and talk appropriately. And then with trust, it's about testing. And so I talk about, like, how malleable is this person? Can I get them to stand up? Can I get them to sit down? Can I get them to hand me something? Can I get them to do anything before I go for my big ask? and this is even with our children, right? We just think like, no, I tell my kids to do something, they should do it because I'm the authority figure. But to me, it's the same with police. Can I tell them there's two options? You can be authority and aggression, or you can be compassion and connection. And even as a cop, I was the compassion connection guy. And as a father, as a husband, as a friend, as a person, now that's everything that leads my life is, is through empathy. I focus on the person. It's all, it's always about that connection to develop that relationship because it matters to me. and again, when I say I see you, it's about seeing beyond your mask, your representative self, right? Beyond your clothes, your brands, your hair, your facial hair, what you drive, where you live, what you do, your job, your hobbies, all those things to me are distractions. But like, if the only thing in life that matters is how you feel about yourself when you're by yourself, that's where I want to go. Like, how do you really feel when you're all alone in your head? What's going on up there? And that's where I want to connect with people on because I think that's the stuff that really will move the needle. and we don't have to pretend anymore with each other, right? We can truly trust that if you tell me something or if you share something with me, which is why I share my story so openly, James, is because, you know, they say facts tell and stories sell. But when you can connect with me through my story, when you can see yourself in my story, when you can connect with that, that's going to move more than me just like citing research and, you know, not academics is great, but some people just have academics without personal experience and people have a hard time connecting with that. And so I think that's the, that's the gap that I kind of bridge with our company, with our trainings, with my speaking is like, yeah, I might not be a PhD that's done all this neuro psychological research, but this has been my life. And this has been the hard part. This has been the fruits. This is what I've done. This is what I've seen in other people because I've worked in these specialty units, because I've done these things. And again, people really resonate with that and connect with that. And it's why we've had the success we've had. Yeah.

I mean, I really admire clinical psychologists and researchers, and I have them on the show as well. But there's something special about talking to people in the arena who've been there, who've fought in whatever arena it is, and you've certainly done that. And for the listener and the viewer, I'm going to pop in the show notes the link to the documentary and also a link to your TEDx talk. And let's not forget, you have a best-selling book called Unarmed. So I'm going to make sure that there's a link to that so people can go and buy your book. And I just want to say that that experience you had when you invaded Iraq with the young boy, what you had to look around and experience was disgusting behavior from others and leaders and essentially representatives of leadership within the US military. And it's not good enough and it's not acceptable. And clearly in many different places around the world, not just the US Army, but there's clearly lots of that. that still goes on. And what's interesting, I was thinking about it recently. So, I interview leaders of countries and leaders of different military units. They're often male. And I go, who starts the war? Often male. I'm like, God, okay. So, males are the problem, but then potentially males are also the solution. So, if we can heal these hurt, traumatized, young men before they become adults, then great. We might be able to reverse some things here. So the work that you do, I see, is that it goes deep into how do we actually stop things before they become a problem? And that being, you know, suicide, like when we get to that point and it happens, that's the problem. It's irreversible. How do we bring it back to, well, what does prevention look like? So when was the last time you wanted to take your own life.

The last time I was in a dark space where I thought, so honestly, James, the. It's so hard, and I'll be super candid with you. That's the first time that question's been asked to me, probably in seven years, aside from my therapist. I was in Canada doing a speaking gig probably three months ago. It must have been, maybe August, maybe August. And I was, and it was the morning of, I was driving to go do this, this speaking gig for the Ontario Provincial Police. And it was a beautiful morning. A song came on and I don't remember what song it was, but I remember just driving and I was dazed out and I was like, I don't know if I want to do this anymore. And the thought lives with me and something that I'm very honest with my therapist about is this idea that I love the life that I'm creating that I have. I love my relationship now with my children. I love the place that I'm in in my life holistically, mostly. And The thing that shakes me the most that feels so certain to me is that I don't know when it's going to happen, but I feel like when I do leave this world, it will be by suicide. And it feels certain. And I hate that so much. And again, I'm actively working through it because I don't want that to be the case. But the amount of normalcy that I think that I've created in my head and the amount that I've seen it, right, that I've become so desensitized to it because both in the military and as a police officer, I've seen it so much. that the, the mystery of it no longer intrigues me. The, the idea or the notion about, like, how would I or what would I like? All of that is just solid. So now it's just a matter of, like, the choice. And I have to actively work towards, like, when I get in those moments, I have to really reflect. And my therapist is phenomenal, and I've been with her for over six years now, and I just share with, share this with her a couple weeks ago again of You know, I don't know what it is, but I just get in this headspace where I'm like, man, things are going well in my life. Like financially, I'm better than I've ever been. My relationship with my kids, I'm better than I've ever been. And yet it feels like no matter what I do or how much I achieve or what I accomplish, for me to be the truest, most authentic, real version of myself, It cannot happen without it bringing pain to someone else. And I think that's an old story that I'm holding on to. And that's been the thing that I'm still trying to work through and heal because that's a terrible thought to have. But that feels so true to me is like, I have to always have some bit of armor up or I have to do some level of like posturing or pretending or placating or people pleasing or do something that neglects my truest self because if people really knew or saw who I truly was, they would be hurt by that. And I don't want to hurt people. Like, I think I'm a good person and yet it's like it doesn't come at a cost. And I know that's a weird answer, but that's it lives with me frequently. And the last time I really sat probably with contemplation of like, what if I just do this gig and then head to my hotel and just call it was probably three, four months ago up in Canada. And it was just this idea of like, something about like, Hey, I'm in this other country. I'm here by myself. I'm here for work. I'm going to do my thing. And then, and then it's the curiosity of it all of like, how long would it be before someone knew, like, would anyone care? And that's just the old stuff that's coming up because of course, like right now with my lucid mind and having this conversation, like I can name all kinds of people that would care, right? Like I know for a fact my kids would care, my wife my friends would care. But it doesn't mean that that's those things are not present when you're in those dark moments. And again, as someone that's been there for 20, 25 years of struggling with those thoughts, it's hard to, you know, it's hard to like fully kick them. I long for a life where I can wake up and not just have that kind of sitting on the back shelf.

Joe, thank you for sharing that. Thank you for going there. And I think it's important that we do go there and that as humans, we do talk about that stuff because the people that are left behind are hurt and do care. And often they're asking themselves, what could I have done? Like, what should I have asked? You know, as I said, I have two friends, 150 years old and 118, both male, died this year through suicide. I'm like, Shit. What was I missing? I was in LA at the time, just flying home actually from LA, when I got news of Stu and I was like, God, I just seen him a couple of weeks ago. We were texting just a few days ago. I'm an idiot. I didn't ask him about how his thoughts are and what I can do to help. So I think it's really amazing and courageous and it's very much a service mindset of you going, Hey, I'm going to give and I'm going to talk and it can't be easy. What can we do? People who are around, say, yourself and you are in a dark space, is there anything that helps or anything in the past where someone has said something, done something or not said something and it's actually helped you and you went, no shit, no life's worth living.

Yeah. I think for me, it's, you know, the smallest things matter most. We tend to think, and I appreciate what you shared there, James, is that anytime there is a suicide, I think anyone that cared about that person immediately goes to a little bit of blame with reflection of trying to find, was this a thing that I missed this? Is this my fault? And to me, I don't want to ever be that burden to someone. And the reality is, is that as I look at my rear view mirror of life, it's like, man, all I've been is a burden. Like, to, you know, I've my four kids from three different women, like, you know, I love all of my children. They know that I have these conversations with them, but, like, nothing about it was traditional. None of them planned, right? None of them like, oh, I'm in a committed relationship. Like, would you like to have a baby? It was always out of just a moment of crisis or an affair or, like. And so it's made it very difficult. on myself, but that's 100% my responsibility, right? And I'm not blaming my mother, my father, I'm not blaming any, I truly live life right now by like everything is my fault, meaning I have to take full ownership of everything that's happening in my life. Now, I also learned something that I just want to share with you and your listeners, James, in case no one has heard this, but, and this has been true for me, but it's that I've learned to become grateful for the things I wish never happened. And when I shared my story and you apologized for it, and I genuinely appreciate that because I can just feel your empathy and your sincerity. But I am in a place of gratitude now because it's those moments, it's those stories, it's those trials, it's those mo, it's those dark moments that create this opportunity for me now to like help other people and to love on other people and to, and to see the darkness in them maybe even before they see it in themselves because I've been in that place for so long. But to answer your question specifically for me, it's like, anything that goes beyond the surface level, right? Like we all have, we have our friends, we have our group texts, we have our, you know, our Instagram DMs, we have like all these clicks and these things that it's like, it's kind of rooted in humor or it's very surface level stuff. But if you really think about it, and this is kind of an invitation and a challenge to everyone listening to this or watching this, but when was the last time like you genuinely reached out to someone to just say like, hey, no motive, I'm not asking for anything of you, but I'm just, I'm just checking in. Like, how are things in your life? And I just, you know what? Because I think, and I'm guilty of this, too. I think of a lot of people a lot of times, but I'm like, I hate talking on the phone. Oh, I speak for a living. All I do is talk. I'm talking all the time, right? I'm talking. I'm on podcast. I don't want to get on the phone. And so I'll just text it. But, like, we know that there's a drop off in that, right? So, like, are you prioritizing the people in your life when you have a thought about them? Are you allowing that to not just be good enough of like, oh, I just had this thought and that feels nice, but they have no idea you had that thought. And then even if it is a text that's better than nothing, but maybe don't, especially as men, I think men are very guilty of this, but because we're so uncomfortable expressing our feelings, we resort to humor too often. And we'll play with each other and just be like inappropriate and playful and joke around and, you know, like, kind of like the locker room and bar talk stuff. But that to me is you're missing a huge opportunity. And there's a time and place for that. I'm a champion of doing that. And I think if you were to isolate somebody, call them up on the side, just say, Hey, I was just thinking about you. I really wanted to check in and just see how are things going at home? That question right there, it was a question that I would ask every time I got dispatched to a school. as a police officer, you know, you mentioned you were a teacher, James, every time I got called to a school for a child acting out, every time I would introduce myself, I'd say, Hey, you're not in any trouble with me. I'm here to help you out. But I would say before we go right to the hospital or whatever's got to happen, I just want to talk to you a little bit. And I would always ask them, like, what does home look like for you? Because I want them to know that, like, listen, I believe that the reason you're acting out in school right now is because you don't have a stable, safe place. you're probably hungry, you're afraid, you're being abused. Something is not going well at home. And so this is your place to come and escape and have fun and like, like, do all the things trying to distract and avoid. But the truth is you're hurting and I genuinely want to know. And so, like, I'm giving you this opportunity, but please tell me because I care. But, like, what does home look like? And to see them just break, whereas the school is just quick to punish, quick to sanction, right? Like, oh, they're acting out. They're a problem child. And I'm like, well, well, yeah, but Can you even imagine what's happening in their home? Because this was me, right? My nickname was Smiley in high school. I was the class clown every year in high school. It's in the yearbooks. And I was suicidal at 15 years old. And because I got really good at pretending, everything's great, everything's a joke. Ha ha ha, will you sense of humor? It's funny. But I was suffering miserably anytime I was alone. And so I could see that in children too. And I was like, Hey, I don't want to add to this. And again, I try to practice what I preach, even to my children. If a teacher calls home or I get an email home, like, Hey, your son was talking in class or being disruptive. Right away, I have a human reaction of like, oh my God, they know better. How dare they. I pause, I breathe, I remember like, Hey, what do we teach? And then when I talk to them, I say, Listen, both can be true. I can be disappointed and I still love you. But I also want to know why. like what, what's happening in your life that it was more important for you to get in trouble than it was to do the right thing? Because I know, you know, the right thing. You just chose not to do it. So that tells me something bigger is going on. And the conversations I have with my kids now, it's unbelievable because they're willing to see, like, man, dad has come a long way. And I feel bad for my daughter, who's 25, because she's like, you've never talked to me like this. And I was like, hey, once you know better, you do better, right? And so I apologize to her weekly, but she sees a very different version of me with my, with my boys, because I've been so engaged in learning about myself, healing myself, helping myself. And I think that's just a lesson that everyone could take is the more you do for yourself, the more you can learn to love yourself and heal yourself and process who you are. That's when you can better show up for other people. But showing up for other people and doing for other people and being others centered at the cost of neglecting yourself is never sustainable.

100% agree. And, you know, I want to think for a little bit of it was something you said a minute ago around like placating and placating others and you know, kind of putting on this mask and that often brings you a lot of darkness, you know, what's your greatest fear of being truly yourself?

Yeah, that, that it doesn't come without a cost of creating pain in someone else. That, that, and it's so funny. Um, it's, what's the day? Monday, Saturday. I was in, I was in therapy on Saturday. Having this conversation, this has been my, my, my most recent, but it's been 10, 12 years. But my hurdle has been faith, religion, spirituality. And I want to make this point, because I think it relates to what you said earlier of like, when you have sexual abuse or physical abuse of trauma, you either get into gangs or you may say cults or the military. And to me, yes, I joined the military because it was just like, it was the natural thing. As soon as we found out we were pregnant, my best friend in high school was in the delayed entry program. And so he was a senior, but he was already like doing Marine Corps stuff on the weekends. So he knew, so he told the recruiter, the recruiter showed up. That's why that happened. But I'll tell you that my moment of that was religion. aud I had never been to church growing up. I didn't ascribe to a denomination or a denomination. And after my second divorce, my work partner Ernie at the time was a Christian, goes to a Bible-based church. And he was like, Hey man, I'm worried about you. Like, I really want you to come to church, get saved, like you need to know Jesus and all this. And I've been so desperate for a father figure my whole life that any adult man that's like, hey, you should do this. I'm like, you got it. And I was the guy that's like, I'll join a cult, I'll join a gang, I'll join a religion. And I just happened to have Ernie say, come join this religion. And so the long and short of that is the pastor took to me right away. He's an older guy in his 70s, called him Papa Ron. It was awesome. We were great. And he was fascinated by our work. And so he's like, hey, I want to come on a ride along with you. And so he came to work and did a ride along with me. But as soon as we left the substation, he was like, Hey, Joe, so tell me how long you and Tara have been married. And I was like, Hey, funny story actually, we've been divorced like a year. But now that I've been coming to church, I started bringing her and the kids, like we're slowly starting to put it back together. I was so desperate for my family to work. Like, I wanted to be a good husband. I wanted to be a good father my whole life. And I just fell short every single time. And so I was like, well, maybe this is the answer. And so because I started bringing them to church, he just assumed we were married. And so he goes, pull over. So I pulled over and he's like, what do you mean you're married? Or what do you mean you're divorced? And I was like, yeah, it just, it was not good. And we had broken up three, four times. Our marriage lasted like a year. It was, it was a disaster. And he goes, well, are you guys living together? And I said, no, she has her own place. I have mine. And he said, so are you having sex with her? And I was like, yeah. it was like a 70 plus year old man, right? I'm like, yeah. And the level of disappointment in this man's eyes. And he said to me, he goes, how dare you? How dare you defile God's daughter that way? He was like, Joe, you're going to hell. And I was like, what? Back to my, you'll spend the rest of your life in prison. That same thing, except I didn't cry this time. But I was like, oh, my God, I don't want to go to hell. I don't want to burn forever. I hadn't read this Bible thing yet. Like, I'm, I'm just getting into it for a few months. Like, I thought this was all love and acceptance and suddenly I'm going to hell. And this is a true story, James. He goes, the only way to make this right, call her right now and after work, when we're done with the shift, you guys are going to come to the church. I'm going to marry you tonight. And again, I was so desperate to please a man that I did it. And that night I married her for the second time and it was a nightmare. It was a nightmare. Her and I are in the best place we've been now, but we've been divorced seven years. but I remember when we got remarried that second time, and it was not good. There was a lot of abuse. There was, it was just was not healthy. And I remember I went to him and I said, hey, I need counsel. And he's like, what's up? I said, listen, this is going to ruin my policing career. This is not safe. It's not good for the children. I can't stay in this relationship. And he told me verbatim. He said, Joe, you do not get to leave your wife. He said, I guarantee you if you leave her, your life will spiral out of control. You have to stay with her. And I was like, this sounds like terrible counsel. And so I left, and I took it up in prayer, whatever that meant for me, and decided to file for divorce. And that's it. That's the last time I've been to that church or any church. And it was because I just felt like, how dare this man use his own interpretation of what the Bible says to, like, punish me. they put me in a terrible situation that was not good for me or my children. So I've struggled. And, and that, to me, is how people end up in these situations and predicaments is when we don't have that solid male figure in our life that is guiding us and leading us. It's the same. You brought up the, the, the military. James in the United States of America, only like 13 of the 700, 000 sworn police officers are women. heavily, heavily male dominant. And it's like 5% of all police executive leaderships or chiefs or sheriffs are women. It's so small. And again, it's a lot of the same thing, right? It's a paramilitary structure. It's patriarch, it's all this stuff. And yet we create the problems and then we're the solution to the problems and we don't really see that as astutely as you pointed out, and it's unfortunate.

Thank you for sharing that as well, Joe. I have very similar views with you around religion. I grew up in Northern Ireland and I've seen how divisive religion was and how much death and destruction happened around me. I really truly respect people that have faith and beliefs. I think it's amazing. I've had amazing people on the show that are deeply spiritual and faithful. That's awesome. What I don't like and I won't stand for is when people start to push their beliefs on others and say, you got to live your life based on what we believe and what we're reading and my interpretations. I think it's nonsense. And it's like we should all live our lives treating each other well and with respect and love.

But that's it.

I should have no say over who you marry or who you sleep with.

Yeah, no, he was very, very adamant. And I truly, instantly became like a father figure to me. And so to, to disappoint him so soon, it just felt all too like this is just this. Here we go. Like, yet another father learns out who I am and is disgusted by me, like, shocker. And so that's been the pattern for me, is anyone that gets close will either a, abandon me and leave, or B, be disappointed by something I do or who I am. And so that's just been a real struggle in my life.

Well, just know that you by doing this are being that male role model for many people watching and listening right now. And you give them hope by the fact that you can share openly your journey, share openly that you keep fighting for another day here on Earth. You keep hanging in there. And I think that's just so important. And your mission you said at the start was to witness a year, an entire calendar year where there's no suicides. Well, Joe, I'm here to remind you, you've got to be here to witness that you've got to stay here and you've got to witness it every day.

Amen, brother. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Well said. And thank you. And yes, and I want to be, I plan to be. And it's an uphill climb, right? But it's worth it. And to me, the journey is worth it. The effort is worth it. And you brought this up earlier, but I just think it's fascinating to think about is it's, this is not a resource problem. We've got more resources than we've ever had in the history of mental health. And yet in the United States, you know, last year was the highest recorded suicide rate in our histories, in our, in our country's history. As resources continue to go up, so do the numbers. Staggering. And it's fascinating to me. And you brought up there in, in New Zealand with the, with teenagers. And it's, it's, to me, we're missing a bigger opportunity to throw resources at the problem, to look at the suicide, be like, oh, look, there was a suicide. That's a problem. And to you, James, thank you for sharing about your two, your mates, your friends, the 50 year old and the 18 year old. I'm sorry that that that happened, I'm sorry that you're dealing with that. It's easy to look at the outcome of suicide and think like, that's a problem. But we're not doing nearly enough at looking at the prevention side of it of like, how did they ever get there? What was leading up in their life? And I have a line in my book that's not super popular, especially amongst maybe some devout teachers. And I don't know the world system, but I say here in the States that our public education system is a pipeline into our behavioral healthcare system. because I do not think that we adequately prepare children to live adult lives in our country. I think we mold them into passing benchmark testing and nothing in the real world replicates school. And so it's such an unfair thing that I think drastically increases anxiety and depression. And then we just release these young humans into the world expecting them to figure it out because they hit some age and immediately they're overwhelmed, stressed, feeling inadequate, lost, confused, and it's like, yeah, of course. And so what are we gonna do? We're gonna turn to the fast, easy thing, which is usually alcohol, some form of substance, something that is not going to be good for us. And that's a rapid decline into like, I don't think this is worth it. It's hard. And then we ended up killing ourselves. And I think it's because we do not do a good enough job of shaping and molding the minds and hearts of our children. And so that's something I'm very passionate about as well. And speaking to and loving on as many kids as I can to just, you know, we know that it takes one adult, one interaction, one time to change a kid's life. And so it's important that we make the time to create that. I say kindness is free, but sometimes you got to spend it.

Yeah, 100%. And you know what? You're truly leading your life on purpose. I love the work that you do. It's deeply important work. I'm going to put all of your social channels in the social link in the links in the show as well. Again, your book, I want the listener to go and buy your book and check it out. Also your TEDx talk. I just think this world doesn't have enough humans like you fighting this fight right now, and it literally is a war that it needs to be fought. So I'm glad that you're right on the front lines and really leading the way with it. So anybody that wants to get in touch with Joe, please do get his details are in the show notes. And also Joe, I just want to ask you one last question. I'm mindful you've got another interview tonight in LA. So one last question, I'd like to ask this to everyone at the end. That is, I want you to pretend for a moment that we're going to fast forward many, many years into the future. You're highly aware that it's your last day here on Earth and someone very young who you love dearly comes into the room and says, Hey, Joe, how do I go about leading my life on purpose? What would you say to them?

That is beautiful. It's what I call the recipe to a great life is when you can truly find a hobby, turn it into a skill, and learn to monetize it, you've set yourself up for success. Now, ideally, in a perfect world, again, it, because for me, like, I actually am getting to, now, like, not every hobby should be monetized. Like, I'm an avid golfer. I'm not, I pay to play golf. I pay a lot of money to play golf, right? But, you know, my, I would say like speaking, traveling to speak and do keynotes and all that stuff, that's a hobby. It's fun for me. I really enjoy it. I enjoy getting to know the client, the audience. What do they want as a takeaway? And then how can I create this, this message that's going to resonate with them? But when you can turn that into a skill and learn to monetize it, one, you're going to be less dependent on systems. You're going to create your own life, your own schedule. the more control you have over your existence, the more freedom you'll actually experience. I think we have too many people living the rat race on this hamster wheel. Dr. Joe Dispenza talks about how 95% of your life is a series of automated habitual routines. And all these systems that exist are created on purpose and they need people dependent on them. And so why not you? And if I was laying on my deathbed and a young boy or girl came into me and said, what's the piece of advice that I would say? Find a hobby, turn it into a skill, learn to monetize it. Never, ever, ever forget where you come from. Remember that we're only ever as good to other people as we are to ourselves. That you are worthy of love no matter what you've done in your life, that it is forgivable if you can learn to forgive yourself truly. But yeah, I know you want one piece of advice, but I'm just flooded right now with like 30. I just want to like, oh my God, I want to love on them. I want to give them everything I've got. Because to me, I'm visualizing this right now, James, and I pray that this comes true in my life where when I am on that deathbed, somebody will come in and ask me that question because I think it's such a, we learn a lot from our elders, the people that have lived these long lives and there's a lot of wisdom. And I'll just share this and I'll shut up, but one of the pivotal moments in my life was my father and I did get pretty close before he passed. and he died of cancer at 53 years old, but out in Houston. And I was out there with him on his last days. And I sat on his bedside as he literally died. But he. He died a very angry man, a feeling that it wasn't fair, that the fact that he got cancer, the fact that he was dying before he got to live his life. And I know it's cliche, and we've all heard this, but, like, truly, when. When James asked me that question of, like, many, many years. Like he created this image for me of like, it's decades away. But what if it was today? Like what if today was our last day? Are you living a life that you're actually proud of? Or are you falling asleep tonight shamed, kind of regretful, wishing you did something you didn't do, wishing you talked to someone you should have talked to? You know, we take tomorrow for granted, but what if today was our last day? Is there something that, what if we could give that advice to someone today?

I encourage and challenge all of you to do it. That's so beautiful, Joe. I just want to say a huge thanks for taking the time to share your wisdom, for creating the space to share so openly and talk about your experiences, your lived experiences, and also your mission that you're on. And I know that there's going to be somebody listening right now that wants to help you on that mission. They're going to get in touch with you. And I look forward to sharing the book. I'm going to buy multiple copies of the book and share it. So please keep doing your great work.

Well, let me just make an offer to your audience too, James, before I go, but the first 10 people, no matter where you are in the world, I know James is a world leader here, so wherever you're listening, I don't care where it is, if you connect with me on Instagram and send me a DM telling me that you listened to the show and you've made it this far, and you send me a message that you want a book, I'll personally send a signed copy free of charge. I'll pay for the shipping. to the first 10 people to do that just as a token of appreciation to you, James, for your audience. And a big thank you for sharing time with me today. And it really was a special moment for me of you're the best hour of my day today. And so that's my goal for anyone else as well.

Well, thanks, Josh. So generous of you. I deeply appreciate it. And I look forward to seeing you again soon. Thank you, James. Cheers. The Lead On Purpose podcast is sponsored by NZ Mortgages. Learn more at nzmortgages.co.nz. Thanks for tuning in to Lead on Purpose. If you find this episode valuable, please share it with one person that you think might benefit from it. And if you're serious about leveling up, please make sure you're subscribed to the show and continue to lead your life on purpose.